girls (and guys).. am i wrong? :(

porcelain_doll

But...if payback is what you really want, feel free to send me a sexy text message and let him Discover it.

:laugh:

(He was totally joking about that part, but I'm not sure everyone caught that.)

One more thing: she could have approached him purposely while the two of you were apart. She wouldn't do it while you were standing there unless she had tipped a few back. If he's a nice guy, he's not going to just ignore her. If the tables were turned, would you have ignored your ex if you'd been approached?

Lil_Leah

But...if payback is what you really want, feel free to send me a sexy text message and let him Discover it.

:laugh:

(He was totally joking about that part, but I'm not sure everyone caught that.)

One more thing: she could have approached him purposely while the two of you were apart. She wouldn't do it while you were standing there unless she had tipped a few back. If he's a nice guy, he's not going to just ignore her. If the tables were turned, would you have ignored your ex if you'd been approached?

no, i wouldnt have. we were both pretty intoxicated too, so i think the way we both reacted was overly dramatized due to our copious amounts of alcohol. lol.

RoadDog

Yes, I was joking.

ka_42

Sorry I didn't read the whole thread someone may have already said this but... Maybe she came up to him and he didn't want to be too rude? At least it's better now - If I were you I'd try to put it in the past and not let it bother me. He loves you. Not her. :flowerforyou:

qtwells82

In my opinion, you forbidding him to speak to her just gives her power over you. Basically, be secure in who you are and in your relationship and KNOW that your relationship is stronger than the pettiness. If she's like most women she'll instantly think you are threatened by her if you acknowledge that you don't want them speaking. She will get the impression that you are insecure or somehow worried about her. I say kill her with kindness, speak to her yourself and just SHOW her that your relationship is great!! Just my two cents worth.....believe me, I've dealt with the drama and it's hard to be the bigger person but SO worth it in the end.

Well said!

tolygal

First, I completely understand where you're coming from. I've been there for sure, and I would have felt the same way! However, looking at this from the outside, it's much easier to see that it's kind of unfair to ask him not to talk to her. To begin with, it puts him in a really uncomfortable, crappy situation. He has to be rude to someone and feel like a jerk. Either that or risk your happiness. Also, you don't want her thinking that your insecure and told him he can't talk to her - or worse, that he is worried that you are insecure and he shouldn't talk to her! Even if that's not what it's about, that's probably what others would think. Next time, just try to accept that he had a life before you, and it's natural for people to catch up and even enjoy catching up (depending on what kind of people they are). It doesn't mean there is any threat to your current relationship.

Now.... the text message would have made me FURIOUS!!! My husband's ex-girlfriend was texting him (and he returned them) at one point and I found out about it. He said it was to "confort him over our loss" (we had lost a pregnancy), but it still wasn't okay with me!!! That could have been one simple text - which would have been acceptable. But they continued sending jokes back and forth and chatting about stupid stuff. When I found out, he put an end to it real quick!

fitnesspirateninja

I agree with the people who already posted that forbidding your boyfriend from talking to his ex is setting him up for failure, and gives her too much power over you. That being said, I can totally relate to how you feel. It's annoying to be confronted with a person's past - but we all had lives before we met our significant others.

I think you have a right to discuss boundaries with your boyfriend, and he needs to respect them, but you need to make sure that you're being reasonable. Not speaking to someone that he's known intimately is kind of impossible. Do you guys all hang out with the same people? Do you see his ex often? Or is this just a once in a while thing?

ETA: The texting is b.s. and needs to stop. And he needs to be the one to clearly state that to her.

Lil_Leah

I agree with the people who already posted that forbidding your boyfriend from talking to his ex is setting him up for failure, and gives her too much power over you. That being said, I can totally relate to how you feel. It's annoying to be confronted with a person's past - but we all had lives before we met our significant others.

I think you have a right to discuss boundaries with your boyfriend, and he needs to respect them, but you need to make sure that you're being reasonable. Not speaking to someone that he's known intimately is kind of impossible. Do you guys all hang out with the same people? Do you see his ex often? Or is this just a once in a while thing?

we've only ran into her twice since we've been together (8 months). the first time, there was no communication between the two of them. i was fine with it. i felt ok. confident around her. i knew i looked smokin hot in my little black dress (this was new years eve) but this time was different. i know i shouldnt have been so upset.. especially since he talked to her about US. how happy we are.. but her text message at the end of the night was NOT ok. you guys said your piece.. now dont send him a text at the end of the night, when you KNOW we're together, you dumb@$$.

ultimategar

We all have exes, we're all going to bump into them every now and then, unless something awful happened to cause the break-up, not being able to someone you once shared your life with is pretty sad.

If you can't trust a partner to talk to their ex you've got problems. jealousy and mistrust should be cast off like unwanted body weight (see how i tied that in?

LorinaLynn

They have a past and asking them to act like complete strangers when they are in the same room is kind of unrealistic. They broke up for a reason and it sounds like you guys are very serious if you're planning to move in together. I think you have nothing to worry about and shouldn't let her get to you.

Yeah, this.

I'd personally prefer a guy who could be on cordial, even friendly, terms with an ex. It's being polite and mature about things. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. If you're over someone, you don't need to ignore or avoid them, because they don't hold any power (for lack of a better word) over you.

fitnesspirateninja

I agree with the people who already posted that forbidding your boyfriend from talking to his ex is setting him up for failure, and gives her too much power over you. That being said, I can totally relate to how you feel. It's annoying to be confronted with a person's past - but we all had lives before we met our significant others.

I think you have a right to discuss boundaries with your boyfriend, and he needs to respect them, but you need to make sure that you're being reasonable. Not speaking to someone that he's known intimately is kind of impossible. Do you guys all hang out with the same people? Do you see his ex often? Or is this just a once in a while thing?

we've only ran into her twice since we've been together (8 months). the first time, there was no communication between the two of them. i was fine with it. i felt ok. confident around her. i knew i looked smokin hot in my little black dress (this was new years eve) but this time was different. i know i shouldnt have been so upset.. especially since he talked to her about US. how happy we are.. but her text message at the end of the night was NOT ok. you guys said your piece.. now dont send him a text at the end of the night, when you KNOW we're together, you dumb@$$.

Having to see someone you don't really want to be around isn't too bad. I think of it like family. Sometimes, you've got to deal with people you're not too fond of, like a bipolar alcoholic twice-removed cousin or a jerky stepbrother. If it was someone you have to see often (like at every social gathering), then that would be a little more difficult to deal with. My sister-in-law has to see her husband's ex all the time because he remained friends with his ex and still takes care of her kids. But since you just have to deal with this once in a blue moon, I wouldn't worry about it too much. When you know you're going to see her, do things to take care of yourself first (like working out, doing yoga, drinking lots of water, whatever you need to stay calm and steady). Then, remember to breathe and stay mellow. I know this is easier said then done.

Again, I think your boyfriend should tell his ex that the text messages are inappropriate and need to stop. If she doesn't respect his request, or he doesn't agree to do it, then you just deal with that as it comes. Good luck. I hope everything works out!

Mrs_McFadden

I understand why a woman would hate the idea of her BF talking to an ex, and especially since you two haven't been together for that long (sorry, one year sounds paltry to a 35 year old in terms of 'long term relationship' status).

But you have to realize that you sound insecure. What's the worse thing that could happen if they do talk in a public place where you are? Do you think he's going to be overwhelm with desire to have sex with her again or something? There is a reason why they broke up- he's with YOU now just try to be more rational about it. He hasn't done anything wrong, unless you can prove HE propositioned her. If his ex propositions HIM, well then, it's a case of there needs to be trust and he needs to man up and admit that his ex is interfering. Otherwise, unless this ex is psycho or determined to win him back who cares? In the grand scheme of thing who exactly is warming up your bed at night?

toots99

how do you know she didn't wait for a time when the two of you weren't together and then she came up and started talking to him?

That was my first thought. Maybe he was standing there, she came up and started talking to him. And he, instead of being rude and ignoring her, answered her.

Lil_Leah

how do you know she didn't wait for a time when the two of you weren't together and then she came up and started talking to him?

That was my first thought. Maybe he was standing there, she came up and started talking to him. And he, instead of being rude and ignoring her, answered her.

she very well could have.

sillygoose1977

Unfortunately, it is not a very grown up thing to ignore someone you have once had a relationship with. There is nothing wrong with a "Hi. How have you been doing" kind of conversation. What if he had kids with someone before you? Would you expect him to never speak to their mother? You should hopefully feel secure enough in your relationship that a simple conversation shouldn't bother you so much. If it does, it's possible you have bigger issues in the relationship than him speaking to an ex. I would be happy that he is adult enough and polite enough to talk to her for a minute. He is with you and not her. As far as the text she sent, you can't be mad him for what SHE did.

backinthenines

I totally agree.

I have turned this situation around in my head and imagined I'm at a party where I see an ex and he wouldn't even greet and say hi and pretend not to know me I thought that would be extremely odd. And if I then found out in some way that he had been 'ordered' to ignore me by his current partner, I don't know who I would have less respect for; him or her.

From a certain age onwards whoever you'll date will have had a life before you. It seems a bit immature to expect them to behave like that life never happened.

toots99

how do you know she didn't wait for a time when the two of you weren't together and then she came up and started talking to him?

That was my first thought. Maybe he was standing there, she came up and started talking to him. And he, instead of being rude and ignoring her, answered her.

she very well could have.

Then there you have it. If you trust him, you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't let her get to you. :flowerforyou:

Lil_Leah

I totally agree.

I have turned this situation around in my head and imagined I'm at a party where I see an ex and he wouldn't even greet and say hi and pretend not to know me I thought that would be extremely odd. And if I then found out in some way that he had been 'ordered' to ignore me by his current partner, I don't know who I would have less respect for; him or her.

From a certain age onwards whoever you'll date will have had a life before you. It seems a bit immature to expect them to behave like that life never happened.

and again - i didnt tell him he COULDNT talk to her. i let him know, that if he did, it'd probably upset me. gave him a fair warning that i dont respond well to that sorta thing. its awkward - and i HATE awkwardness.

ajbeans

I totally agree.

I have turned this situation around in my head and imagined I'm at a party where I see an ex and he wouldn't even greet and say hi and pretend not to know me I thought that would be extremely odd. And if I then found out in some way that he had been 'ordered' to ignore me by his current partner, I don't know who I would have less respect for; him or her.

From a certain age onwards whoever you'll date will have had a life before you. It seems a bit immature to expect them to behave like that life never happened.

and again - i didnt tell him he COULDNT talk to her. i let him know, that if he did, it'd probably upset me. gave him a fair warning that i dont respond well to that sorta thing. its awkward - and i HATE awkwardness.

Well, maybe in doing that, you set both of you up for failure. You knew it was likely he would have to talk to her since she would be there, and you decided that it would probably be upsetting to you. But you don't *have* to be upset over it. If you know he's trustworthy, if you know there's nothing to be worried about with her, then you can choose to react calmly and not be upset. Take a deep breath, tell yourself it's not a problem, and let it go.