It's not easy being me (long)

lindsayforlife

I'm morbidly obese. I'm 5'6 and 340 pounds. My main/only realy exercise daily is getting around walking, as i use public transportation.

I've been overweight my whole life. It's not easy being me. It's not easy having being fat be your entire existence. for example, here are some of the things I go through mentally on a typical day (not the physical shoving of food in my face, which of course is the end result):

- waking up full of guilt knowing that yesterday was a disaster food-wise.
- first thought of the day is always weight-related. Always. I don't remember the last time I woke up and thought, "Wow, today's going to be a great day." I mean, it's been decades.
- getting on the bus, feeling hundreds of eyes on me. If I don't get a seat, I feel like everyone is staring at me. If I do get a seat, I worry about people sitting beside me, or having to sit beside and squish other people. Also, if I have the window seat people wont sit beside me because there is not enough room. I feel mortified when people stand beside the small open seat beside me. This happens daily.
- worrying about ordering food in the cafeteria. The looks from the cashiers etc. Sometimes I pack my own lunch, but usually I'm so depressed by lunchtime that I eat out anyway.
- sitting in class and having to pull a chair from the reading room into the class and using one of the chair/desk things as a table because i am too fat to fit into the chairs
- sitting at a table in the lecture hall and knowing that everyone behind me is seeing my fat *kitten* hang over the edge and get squeezed by the arms on the chair

Then there are the larger issues:

- cutting myself off from all graduate school activities because of my weight. (trips to whistler, trips bowling, trips for hikes and walks... I graduate in 9 weeks and have been in school for 2 years. made one "acquaintance" and don't really socialize with anyone else. Feel of rejection and judgement is paralyzing)
- going to eat somewhere, my mind is consumed with fitting into the chairs. i will reject invites out if i have to eat in front of people, especially if i dont know what the chair/booth situation is like at a particular restaurant.
- not travelling because of fear and anxiety of fitting into the seats. I hate the mortification of asking for a seat belt extender.

So, it annoys me when people suggest to "eat less" or "just exercise more". I wish people could understand that being morbidly obese is not just about stuffing your face full of bad food (which, it is... but it's not the biggest part). For many, including me, it's such a deep anxiety, guilt, shame and perpetual self hate that it so hard (aka nearly impossible) to overcome. I want to shout out in the street at the top of my lungs "You don't know me. You don't know what it's like. Stop judging me. It's not easy being me."

And you know what? Being morbidly obese is not a choice. I've been on anti-depression meds, through therapy, weightwatchers, personal trainers, overeaters anonymous, TOPS, and a myriad of other methods. The only thing I have not done is gastric bypass/lapband. I refuse because i know it will not stop the negative self-image, or the compulsive behaviour.

Just wanted to share.
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OceanAddict

((((( hugs ))))))

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how painful it is to physically not 'fit in' with the rest of the people around you.

Can you tell us a little about why you joined up here on MFP and what your goals are?

Your mention of Whistler leads me to believe you're around Vancouver, where I live. Send me a friend request if you want some local support!

LizardIsANerd

I am sure many of the people on here can relate. Keep posting. Keep trying. Keep being yourself.
There is more to who you are than your weight. Cherish the person you are inside!

poisongirl6485

HUGE HUGS From a fellow obese lady! Somehow I've managed to be lucky enough to have a pretty confident F YOU attitude to everybody who judges me or doesn't like me because of my weight...I think a lot comes from my mom raising me to not put up with *kitten*. Lol. And somehow I've always managed to have pretty good friends and happened to have snagged a husband before I really put on a lot of weight (met him at around 200 lbs, and ballooned up to 340).

Anyway, like I said in my message to you, I'm also 5'6 and started at 340 (lost 8 so far), so I know the feeling. But my problem for a LONG LONG time was denial. Like that i didn't look as big as I am, or that the clothes just MUST be made too small and that's why I have to keep buying bigger sizes, etc. I never really self-medicate with food, but instead just enjoyed eating and deluded myself into thinking that eating twice a day but BIG meals was somehow not that much food.

If you ever need to talk, I am here! We can do this together!!!! It's sometimes hard to find someone in the exact same boat as you (especially when you're starting out at a much higher weight than mostly everybody else), so if you need any support etc, I'm only a message away!!!

~Sarah

superwmn

We are here for you. You are not alone.

It sounds to me like you suffer from binge eating/food addiction. Please consider reading the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I read it in January 2010 and have binged ONCE since. The book was life changing for me.

Here's an excerpt from Oprah.com:

http://www.oprah.com/health/An-Excerpt-from-Geneen-Roths-Women-Food-And-God

YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS ADDICTION!!!

Charmagne

suziehomemaker

oh girl big hugs from another big girl.....it is sooo tough to talk about such personal failure and heartache.....do yourself a favour and make a few friends on here.....everyone is wonderful and extremely supportive......we all came from an unhappy place and that is what unites us on here......but we can and WILL make a difference one day at a time.....add me as a friend i want to help you with your weight loss journey......best of luck and hold your head up, we are all beautiful...

Stacey

lookinggreat

Lindsay,
First a big (mental) hug to you!
Second: you are not alone, especially here. You have a lot of potential friends here, who all can relate to what you are going through and can tell you their story too. Feeling worthless, ashamed, all that, we feel it too, whether we have a lot or a little to lose. Even when we sound upbeat, it's still there.
Third: there are a lot of great things about you that you need to see, and that I am sure many people here have noticed: you are going to graduate (not everyone does! that's an achievement!), you have a ticker on your profile, with the # of pounds you want to lose (you have a goal in life! not everyone does! some people are afraid to have goals and YOU are not!), and you are here, even when you say you have tried everything, proving that deep down in you there is a strong and resolute person. And you have the wisdom to know it takes time to lose weight, and that surgery to your stomach would not solve all the self-image issues. You bring a lot of qualities with you. Never forget them.
Fourth (because I have a tendency to be patronizing ): come here often, post often (especially when things are not going well), start topics often, and add people as friends. It is really, really comforting and also empowering.
Please let us know how you are doing!

amehrkens

Hugs to you...you are not alone. I started my weigh loss journey at 320lbs. It is hard but you have come to the right place for support! Add me if you would like.

tater8589

Lots of Hugs, I'm so sorry people have made you feel this way. My family is very large/obese and though I didn't go through some of the thoughts, I was there with them for it. My mom found out after years of struggling that she has Hypothyroid. I understand everyday is hard. I'm here for you as many others are. I wish you the best and hope you can, soon, feel good about yourself.

elliecolorado

So sorry that you feel this way. I have always been a big girl too! I was big in high school even though I was active and played sports. Once I went to college I gained the dreaded 'freshman 15' and have been up and down, weight wise, for most of my 20's. The last couple of years I have gotten heavier than I had ever been and that was my 'wake up call.' It definitely is a challenge changing the lifestyle that you have had for so long, but worth it in the long run. I wish the best for you on your weight loss journey. I sent you a friend request too.