SO SORRY EV1, But I need some help

KcFitCoach

Before I got married, I told my husband that cheating was the ONE thing that for certain would guarantee him I'd divorce him. Prior to marriage, I had experience a couple of boyfriends cheating on me and I needed my future husband to know that was a DEALBREAKER for me.

Fast forward to today. We have two kids in elementary school. My faith as a Christian has grown substantially since I was first married nearly 13 years ago. In my mind, If I found out today that he was cheating (he better not be...I have no reason to think he would or is) it would not be so black and white...like I envisioned when I first got married. There are kids whose very world is sitting on the foundation of mommy and daddy's marriage. With real remorse, a LOT of hard work on both sides (someone cheating probably indicates a marriage problem, not just a problem with the cheater's behavior), and true forgiveness, I do think repairing a marriage is possible.

Is there a way to at least get her to agree for the two of you to sit in a counseling session before anybody makes any decisions? It sounds like you are Catholic...can you two sit with someone from your church and discuss this?

Having said all of this...if she doesn't want the marriage and the hard work ahead, you can't force her. But, just as you are filled with confusion and a gammet of emotions I am sure she is too.

SUCKS that she cheated. I am SO SORRY. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling right now.

Celo24

Sorry to hear about this man, but I love how supportive everyone has been. Please let me know if there is any way I could ever help you out.

My two cents: you are giving her control of the situation by constantly pushing the deadline back and letting her be noncommittal. You need to decide what YOU want. Let me say that again, you need to decide what YOU want. It's not about what your wife wants, it's not even about what your kids want. Ultimately, can you trust her? Can you stay at home with the kids while she's out with co-workers and be sure that she's actually out with co-workers? Can you look at her the same way you did on your wedding day? In my opinion, those are some of the questions you need to answer. Once you do, I think you'll have your decision.

Good luck!

corey_e

I think she has had enough chances to prove she is committed. Of course you have to follow your heart and do what feels right to you. But if she can't say goodbye to him then she's not worth waiting for. I tried counseling with my ex but it didn't help, it was already over and we were just delaying the final break up. Not all situations are the same, but think about your girls. Would you want them to stay with a man who did that to them? And this request for help/advice is totally related to your health here on MFP. This kind of stress and pain can harm your health and if talking it out with your friends here helps then by all means do it! We're here for you. Stay strong. Easier said then done, I know. :flowerforyou:

danlyn

What a terrible thing to have to deal with, I'm so sorry

I just wanted to point out one thing before you move forward. You should not, in my opinion, be waiting for her to decide what will happen with your marriage. She is the one who cheated and she should be the one to be concerned about what YOU are going to, not the other way around. Give yourself enough time to think about what is best for you and your children. Stay strong From what I read in the other posts there are many people who are pulling for you. Best of luck!

mrsewert

The big D is a huge word and it means huge changes for not only you and your wife but also your kids. I've told my husband from the beginning that if he ever cheated on me I would be done, final answer, no looking back. In my opinion once a cheater always a cheater. You are always going to wonder what she's doing, who's she's with, etc. Infidelity is HUGE not only have you stepped outside the marriage you've broken a trust that can't be fixed with a "I'm sorry".

You have to do what's right for you and it sounds like your willing to forgive but it sounds to me like she's not sure what she wants and maybe she does just need some time but you have to decide how long your willing to wait.

Best of luck!

Lisa__Michelle

This comes from Dr. Phil lol, Why are you letting HER decide your relationship and YOUR future?? Think about it for a while. She is unfaithful and still loves this man so why should she have the option to decide?

I have been in this EXACT sitution before (except with no children). I have tried the whole call and tell them you don't want to be together and the same thing happened to me when this person called. It ended up being a cycle of endless cheating and by the 4th person and 5 years later, I just decided to pack and leave. I told them I would never see or talk to them again. 4 years later I kept my promise.

My point is is that if she even has the CAPACITY to cheat ONCE, she has the capacity to cheat again and again! I am the type that believes in NO cheating! Think about it this way, WHY DID SHE EVEN LET HER HEART BE HALFWAY OPEN AT ALL TO EVEN ACCEPT HIS MOVES ON HER IF SHE HAD GOOD MORALS AND IF SHE TRULY WANTS TO BE WITH YOU??????? I am in a relationship and if someone hits on me I let them know right away that I can't do it.

She wants to have her cake and eat it too! I am sooooo concerned about your poor little girls. You need to get them away from their mother for now if she is that unstable as a person in general. I know you love her but sometimes you have to let people you love go and move on for YOU!

robin52077

My personal opinion from a woman's point of view.
If it were me (as the woman) and I had cheated, and was given the ultimatum.
If I really was truly sorry, and felt it was a mistake, and wanted to work it out with my husband, I would NOT even need an HOUR to think, never mind days, I would be crying and BEGGING for forgiveness and promising all kinds of things to make it work.
If I didn't really love my husband or loved the other guy more, I would be doing what she is doing, possibly because she still cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you, but knows deep inside that it's over....

If it were me, it would be over.

hill2302

Tinmamado- I am a catholic, but how you figured that out I'll never know.

I am a lawyer who did family law for 5 years. i know what I'm doing on that front and she knows it too. I know she's fearful of what I can do in a custody dispute. that being said, I have no intentions of doing ianything that isn't in my 3 girls' best itnerests should it come to that.

I read your guys replies and every single one of you have said or typed something I have felt or thought t some point in the last several days. You can see why this is tearing me up inside. I'm sitting here and have shed a tear just reading the replies.

I have called two counselors to see about getting in today. No call back yet. Getting late and I don't think it's going to happen.

We went to a counselor before and I was very optimistic at that time. I put in effort to chane things, but she didn't. Well, iIm sure it was difficult for her to considering she was about 3 months into the affair when we did that. She has seen another counselor by herself once last week before I caught her, when I tracked her down and caught her at his place. She says she'll go through more counselling too.

I dont' want to be walked over and everytime I let her off the hook, that's what I feel like she's doing. And I don't want to close the door on reconciliation, as it could lead to a rejuvenation of our relationship and even stronger marriage than before. I get this feeling like she doesn't want to commmit, but doesn't want to be the bad guy and admit it. That's why I keep giving her deadlines to make a decision.

It's gut wrenching. I never thought she would do that to me. Especially considering she ad always hated her Dad in part because he cheated on her Mom.

And I to take responsiblity for my part in our marriage becoming unhappy, but that's no excuse for what she did. I would've died for her before all this.

poisongirl6485

I think you need to stop giving her the power and make the decision based on what you feel is best for you. She's already proven that she isn't willing to commit, and her excuses are crap IMO. It'd be one thing if she were remorseful and willing to put in 100% to make things right and earn your trust back, etc. But she's not. She's just mad that she got caught.

tater8589

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If you aren't sure you want a divorce yet ya'll can legally separate for a little bit to see how ya'll would handle being apart and maybe go to couples therapy. Otherwise I'd go get the divorce papers and start figuring out what your taking and where you or her will be moving-- the whole 9 yards. I wish you the best of luck whatever your decision is.

And don't appologize for needing to talk, we are all here to suport eachother and emotions definately have an effect on our physical health.

momtozmc

I agree that you need to take control of the situation... I'm divorced because of the same situation... BUT I had to know in my heart of hearts that *I* did everything in my power to keep my marriage together for my kids... so we did go to couseling, etc... and he still cheated.. she sounds like my ex... says she wants to work it out... but won't or can't...

Don't wait for her.

kioga86

From your response to everyone' suggestions, I think you're really in a tough position and are trying to do the best that you can.

My suggestion is to lay things out on the table and be firm about it. It sounds like you really do want to try and reconcile, so let her know that you are willing to, but only if she is willing to do certain things. I would have her attending both individual and couple's counseling as part of the agreement, but if I were you, I'd attend individual counseling too, it sounds like you've lost sight of who you are in this whole thing as well.

I would also not be sleeping in the same bed at this point. If you are in a position where she can sleep in a second bedroom, that would suffice I think. If not, I'd have her stay at a nearby relative's home, a hotel, or an apartment (depending on what you can afford, what keeps her in the area to see your children, etc.).

But most of all, I would want to have some sort of guarantee that she would not be seeing this other guy, and that he would be no where near you, your wife, or your children.

KcFitCoach

Tinmamado- I am a catholic, but how you figured that out I'll never know.

I am a lawyer who did family law for 5 years. i know what I'm doing on that front and she knows it too. I know she's fearful of what I can do in a custody dispute. that being said, I have no intentions of doing ianything that isn't in my 3 girls' best itnerests should it come to that.

I read your guys replies and every single one of you have said or typed something I have felt or thought t some point in the last several days. You can see why this is tearing me up inside. I'm sitting here and have shed a tear just reading the replies.

I have called two counselors to see about getting in today. No call back yet. Getting late and I don't think it's going to happen.

We went to a counselor before and I was very optimistic at that time. I put in effort to chane things, but she didn't. Well, iIm sure it was difficult for her to considering she was about 3 months into the affair when we did that. She has seen another counselor by herself once last week before I caught her, when I tracked her down and caught her at his place. She says she'll go through more counselling too.

I dont' want to be walked over and everytime I let her off the hook, that's what I feel like she's doing. And I don't want to close the door on reconciliation, as it could lead to a rejuvenation of our relationship and even stronger marriage than before. I get this feeling like she doesn't want to commmit, but doesn't want to be the bad guy and admit it. That's why I keep giving her deadlines to make a decision.

It's gut wrenching. I never thought she would do that to me. Especially considering she ad always hated her Dad in part because he cheated on her Mom.

And I to take responsiblity for my part in our marriage becoming unhappy, but that's no excuse for what she did. I would've died for her before all this.

The Sunday Reconciliation part in your post tipped me off to you being Catholic.

Again, I am SO sorry. Please know, in NO way was I implying it was your fault that she cheated. SHE made that choice. I was just making the point of the TOUGH work ahead likely for both of you if you decide to try to make this work.

I agree with a previous poster - as a woman...if I had made that mistake of cheating and was TRULY sorry and in love with my husband and worried for my kids I would be BEGGING forgiveness and willing to cut off all ties with the other guy. But, I have never cheated so I don't know how to put myself in her shoes.

I can't even imagine how torn you are. Her actions have been so selfish. Definitely see if you at least yourself can get in with a counselor ASAP or talk to a Priest or something. Just to at least have some comfort and an unbiased face to face opinion.

(((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))))

mikeyml

This was devastating to read and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I think a lot of people have already made some good points and it really comes down to what you want to do. During times when we are really emotional it can be tough to figure out what the right choices are. Surely this has been a traumatic experience and it's completely normal to suffer from a wide range of emotions including: shock, disbelief, anger, fear, denial, emotional pain, blame, unforgiveness, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. With all of these feelings going on, probably simultaneously, it gets really hard to know what to do.

Given the events that you shared I think the only possible remedy is a separation to collect your thoughts and feelings. You both need some time alone to figure out what is best for your life. She obviously can't commit to you because if she could then she wouldn't need all of this time to think. And you need to think about if you're just fighting for her because you've been hurt or if you really want the relationship to continue.

If this were a one time mistake and she confessed to you out of guilt, then I would say to work through it without a separation But it's a completely different to continue on a long term sexual and emotional affair while deceitfully misleading your significant other and family. And given your experience as a family lawyer I would hazard to guess she might only consider staying in the relationship because she is fearful of losing her life as she knows it and normal contact with the kids.

My advice to you is to ask her to move out for the time being until you can decide what is best. If during that time she decides not to come back then you will be one step ahead in recovering from this. During the meantime you should continue to look for a professional counselor and probably attend twice a week until you get through the worst of it. And surely if you two get back together then you should place some conditions on her. She needs to attend individual counseling - no questions asked. You both need to attend marriage counseling to establish a line of communication. And it's possible your kids could need counseling to deal with the stress and trauma.

Again I'm so sorry and if there is anything I can do then please let me know.

hill2302

Thank you all for your well wishes. At least now I know I'm not unusual for feeling so conflicted about this. I feel just like you all feel as a collective. I've lokoed at this from every angle I can think of and it's maddening.

One thing I don't want to do is jump and make a rash decision. While i do want to do what's best for the kids, i agree that my happiness will eventually be also what's best for my children. No kids want to grow up in a angry and disfunctional household.

I think what I'll do is tell her we need some distance and that she should move out completely for a while. Her mother's place is empty and only 6 minutes away. Then she can have all the time she wants to ponder things and if she wants to reconcile and commit to it, then she can ask me and I'll then decide if that's what I want. I don't know where I'll be if that happens, but I can take my time to consider it if it does.

This sucks!! It would just be alot easier if I didin't love her. I can see now why some people take back cheaters one or more times. We just love too much.

hill2302

UPDATE: Well, I did it. She was 65% sure she wanted a divorce and then was convince by her brother that she should try reconcilation jst for the kids. We had both agreed that we wouldn't reconcile if it was just for the kids, but it had to be about us and our relationship. So I told her no.

I'm moving on with my life and doing what's best for me and the girls. I told her she cuold do all the soul searching and whatever she wants and with whomever she wants. If she find s the love for me someday and wants to try getting back together, she can come begging and I'll see what I think about it then. But she's no longer going to hold my heart and life hostage waiting for her.

She's going to move out for the time being and I'll be taking care of the girls. She'll be able to see them everyday. I just don't to have to see her very much whie we're seperated. It's not much of a seperation if we keep seeing each other.

it's very scary moving on like this, but at least I know I have lots of friends and family who are there to help and support me. I'm also going to continue some counselling to make sure my adjustment to all this is healthy and the best for the girls. Thank you all.

kelsully

While it is never good to have to make these decision I am so glad that you are having the opportunity to do some moving forward. The next period of time will speak volumes. Good luck with it all and I hope that there can e some sort of amicable resolution of it all.

iamstaceywood

Okay, I didn't read all the responses. Here is how i see it. Clearly you want to work this out, since you are giving her time to think. I think, (i probalby shouldn't say any of this) that she dosen't think your serious about leaving. Do you have a friends couch you can crash on for two nights? The problem is, new guy is a fun exciting escape. NO bills, NO kids, no history. Makes it hard to compare to you.
YOu need to know that you are sure before you do anything because things are sooooooooo touchy. I would try either counseling or a trial seperation. Or even both.

yanicka

UPDATE: Well, I did it. She was 65% sure she wanted a divorce and then was convince by her brother that she should try reconcilation jst for the kids. We had both agreed that we wouldn't reconcile if it was just for the kids, but it had to be about us and our relationship. So I told her no.

I'm moving on with my life and doing what's best for me and the girls. I told her she cuold do all the soul searching and whatever she wants and with whomever she wants. If she find s the love for me someday and wants to try getting back together, she can come begging and I'll see what I think about it then. But she's no longer going to hold my heart and life hostage waiting for her.

She's going to move out for the time being and I'll be taking care of the girls. She'll be able to see them everyday. I just don't to have to see her very much whie we're seperated. It's not much of a seperation if we keep seeing each other.

it's very scary moving on like this, but at least I know I have lots of friends and family who are there to help and support me. I'm also going to continue some counselling to make sure my adjustment to all this is healthy and the best for the girls. Thank you all.

I think it's a very good decision. Good luck

Laceylala

I think that both of you made a wise decision to move on and see where life takes you. Take care of yourself.