Shades of Shame

satgsang1

Hi. I just started this process online a few days ago. I really like it and find you all very inspiring. I used to be a competitive international bodybuilder. I used to get alot of attention for my body, I used to surf every week. This is definetly one of those used to's don't count anymore. I gained 90 pounds in the last 4 years I feel like crap even though I do a load of cardio, usually an hour a day at least 4 days a week and weights blah blah blah but it's as if I'm at war with myself I exercise and eat. I read a great book by Geneen Roth called Women,Food and God. Excellent book. I really want to be able to walk without being in pain, tie my shoes without feeling like my breathing is constricted, cross by legs and walk by a store and see myself in the reflection and not want to hide. I keep from seeing friends I haven't seen in awhile because I'm so fat. I didn't visit my father for Christmas because last year he told me he was worried about my weight and this year I'm 10 pounds more. I hate living like this, I have this constant shame, aware at all times of my weight. This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my double chin and thought "when did I get that?" Like I've been is some kind of denial for the last four years. I weigh 242.8 lbs. When I competed I weighed 145 pounds, when I'm in my normal weight which does not feel heavy or too big I weigh 155. It feels overwhelming how much weight I need to lose although I must say just in reading all of you that it's alot easier when I think of it as just 1 pound at a time. Anyway, thanks for being here and good luck to all of you.

superbeffie

All of us made our bad choices 1 lb at a time and we are all trying to make better choices now so that we can get back to ourselves, 1lb at a time. It seems overwhelming if you look at the big numbers, but this year will pass just the way last year did. Either we'll spend it making good choices and getting healthier, or we'll do the same crap as last year.

5lbs a month isn't too much, but in 12 months that's 60 lbs. I think we can do that!!

CricketKate

You can do this! I like your idea of 1 pound at a time. Sometimes that is what we have to do. Take things a day at a time. Decide what you want for today, and then live right today. Then tomorrow, decide again. You'll get there!

MandaLee8908

I used to be 135 and thought I was fat...until I gained 50lbs. It's a hard road, but it's so worth it in the end. Glad to see you are trying to make it back to healthy! Welcome to MFP!

paulettac

Good luck on your journey. Try to set small goals like 5 or 10 pounds. Once that is reached, set another. That's what I'm doing and it seems to be better for me. Add me as a friend if you like.