Feeling so hurt...

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JaneZv
JaneZv Posts: 200
in Chit-Chat
Just found out (from a mutual friend) that my best friend has been gossiping about me behind my back, telling others what I had confided in her and laughing about it. We have been friends for 8 years! Arghhhhh... I'm so mad right now and I feel like an idiot, how did I not see this coming. How could she do this... I don't know what to do... should I confront her, should I ignore her? I don't know, I just feel so hurt. :cry: :cry: :cry:

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  • JulsDiane
    JulsDiane Posts: 349 Member
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    Unfortunately I have had that happen more than once over the years. Some I have confronted, some I have not, but I cut ties with all of them.
  • TabbyJustice
    TabbyJustice Posts: 132 Member
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    What I would do is write it down. What was said, why does it hurt, etc. Give yourself some time to cool off and request to meet up with the gossiping friend. Calmly talk about what was said that got around (don't name names, it makes defenses go up). Address your concern with her that you two are long time friends and you felt hurt by the information that was released. Bring up how you can both work on communication so private matters do not be public again.

    After calmly explaining your side, allow her to talk without interrupting. Address points she says that irk you and then follow up on what she said that you may disagree with. Close the argument with a reassessment of the friendship, and let her know that in the future you hope you can confide in her once again.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    Tough call,losing a friend is devastating but bottling it up inside is going to end up doing the same. :flowerforyou:

    I would probably not make it a confrontation but try to find out somehow why she did that.
  • Mrs_McFadden
    Mrs_McFadden Posts: 1,139
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    I'm so sorry! That is very painful to find out. I can only imagine. I really don't know if confrontation is going to work and it would only 'work' if you remain calm and don't fly off the handle. It would only work if you want your side heard..but not to repair your friendship (obviously).
    Back when I still worked I was very good friends with a male co worker of mine. He and I were two peas in a pod- I enjoyed his friendship and we went to lunch a lot. I found out after I quit through my friends that I used to work with that my entire office thought I wanted to sleep with him and that we were possibly sleeping together! UGHHH the egos! I was so angry. I was totally not into that guy in *that way*.
    Most people will gossip in one way or another about everything. It's human nature, but you should be able to rely on your close friends to have your back right?
  • specialady
    specialady Posts: 2
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    I know what you mean. A friend of mine of 10+ years went behind my back and dated a man that I was dating. And on top of that she told him everything I said about him the good and the bad.
  • aspahr11610
    aspahr11610 Posts: 22
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    Glad you posted on here instead of going to eat a bunch of cookies. I would confront her and tell her you feel hurt and then based off her reply decide what to do. Trusting her right now would be hard and is not expected so allow yourself to be hurt.
  • sars_68
    sars_68 Posts: 308 Member
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    :flowerforyou: Only you can decide what to do really. If it is going to eat you up then you need to talk to the friend about it. However, how much of a friend is she if she can do this to you? You need to work out whether you want to sort things out with her or to cut all ties. Weigh up the pros and cons.

    I really hope you can work it out and that it all goes well for you in the end.

    Take care x :flowerforyou:
  • lthompsn
    lthompsn Posts: 6 Member
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    I too have learned that not everyone who is a "friend" can be trusted with life's struggles and secret battles. I didn't confront, but I did not seek out those individuals. Chalked it up to life lessons, and try to not make those mistakes again. My rule of thumb is, that if a "friend" gossips about other "friends" they are probably going to do so about me.

    Question to ask: What will a confrontation do? Will it heal your hurt or make you feel better, or give the individual more to gossip about? Odds are, you won't feel better, you will never make them see they are wrong nor will you be vindicated.
  • rosebarnalice
    rosebarnalice Posts: 3,488 Member
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    Something similar has happened to me a couple of times, and I confronted in what I thought was an open and willing way: "hey, I heard so and so mention that thing I told you about, and since you were the only one I told, it kinda upset me to hear her talking about it since I thought you knew it was shared in confidence."

    In one instance the response was sincere and apologetic, and we remained friends, and in fact I think it actually made our friendship more open and honest.

    In the other instance, the offender was very defensive, and basically, it ended our relationship. But I didn't miss the person once it was over.
  • Pinoy_Pal
    Pinoy_Pal Posts: 281 Member
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    Sorry to hear this :( "Best friends" don't do that, period. YOU may have seen her as a best friend, but obviously she didn't feel the same. Keep her as a friend, acquaintance, whatever...do talk to her about it. Only you can determine if you still want her in your life. Good luck.

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