Family trouble

ladyhawk00

Totally not related to weight loss (other than the stress created by the situation.)

A family member recently sent money to help with some issues related to my son. He placed conditions on how this money was to be spent, which I did not feel was appropriate in the circumstances (long history I won’t go into – but we’ll just say the person has neglected responsibilities to family for decades and all of a sudden decided to “be involved” when my son came along), but I agreed to because the money would help my son.

This person then got angry because I did not provide a day-by-day update on the money (which was never part of the agreement, or even mentioned.) Now the person is demanding the money be returned. What would you do?

I already know what I intend to do, but I’m curious as to other opinions.

SavannaN

I would just give the money back and tell them that you dont appreciate be treated like you are a 5 year old, and that if they dont think you are responsible enough to utilize the money wisely, then to never give it again.

Mrs_McFadden

Hmm that's kind of vague. Personally- when I lend out money to my family (which I've had to do numerous times) I just kiss it goodbye. I don't want money to come between me and my family or friends.
It's hard for me to figure out what I'd do in your shoes, I would have to ask if you can even afford to just give him his loan back, directly?
I'd either do that if I was too proud to give him said updates, or I'd just try to be graceful (if the money was necessary and I couldn't pay it back) and suck it up and give him some updates.

CalorieNinja

Keep the money, cause an uproar. Give it back and won't have to deal with this said person

2bFitNTrim

Personally, I'd give it back. Money as a gift is one thing (Christmas or a birthday for example), but money with strings attached.....especially from a family member ......is another.

Good luck with whatever you decide. :flowerforyou:

ZebraHead

.

Samana06

I had something similar happen ... but we had a contract and everything drawn up. When the cent by cent was demanded I whipped out the contract and showed them it didn't require me to tell them how I spent every cent. I did however, keep receipts of that and at the end of the ordeal showed them. It took several years for that relationship to be mended.
I'm not sure what to tell you. I guess remind them WHY the money was needed in the first place ... play the guilt card? But I wouldn't return it ... because it is for the most important person ... your son

prettybrownround

I say return it if at all possible. Its seems like this person is power tripping and the situation will only get worse. If this person wasnt around how would you get the $. If there is anyway you can manage w/o taking money from this person, I say good riddens. If not, then you have to humble urself for the wellbeing of ur child.

RoadDog

That's why I neither lend nor borrow money.

I wouldn't borrow, because I don't want to be held accountable.
I rarely lend money. If it looks necessary, I'd rather give it as a gift.

leiamt

i'd probably give the money back find a way to manage and tell the person never to contact the family again i myself have not spoken to my own mother for eight years as she is a very self centered person but she's the one missing out on her 3 grand children if someone wants to help you there should never be strings attached they should do it because they want to not because they want something in return no matter what

ladyhawk00

Hmm that's kind of vague. Personally- when I lend out money to my family (which I've had to do numerous times) I just kiss it goodbye. I don't want money to come between me and my family or friends.
It's hard for me to figure out what I'd do in your shoes, I would have to ask if you can even afford to just give him his loan back, directly?
I'd either do that if I was too proud to give him said updates, or I'd just try to be graceful (if the money was necessary and I couldn't pay it back) and suck it up and give him some updates.

I know there aren't many details - wayyy too many to go into.

It was not given as a "loan" but a "gift" to use in a certain way. I've used it in the way the person wished - most of the money is still sitting there. There was just never any indication that there was supposed to be any kind of accounting or reporting of how the money was spent.

I agreed to provide updates, once the issue was brought up, but basically the person threw a tantrum and said "we couldn't work together" and demanded the money be returned.

jillMoose

i would be infuriated and want to yell.... but really, what i would do is be diplomatic and try to apply to that relatives senses - talk calmly, praise them for their generosity and pat them on the back (yes, im serious), then express your feelings about your child and why the money should be spent a certain way -- i would use phrases like "we have a common goal" and "I appreciate your support during this time" , "to work towards our goal we think the best way to approach the situation is by x, what do you think" your relative will want to feel important and like a decision maker so just persuade them to see it your way --- you can negotiate a long way....... and you will feel much better in the end and you will not stir the pot. too much. "you get more with honey than you do with vinegar" -- also, try and say it in person and not by e-mail (i have gotten totally burned and misunderstood that way!)

kwardklinck

You have to decide how badly you need the money. My dad has provided money to my daughter to help her with expenses while she's away at college. She gripes to me about the lectures he gives her or how much he wants to control her life. I basically told her that when you take the money from someone, you have to put up with the stuff they dish out. This is why I don't take money from him. He's offered it from time to time but I don't like the strings attached.

bloodbank

What a balls situation. I don't know what I'd do with the money, but the person I'd have to say I'd cut out of my/our lives. Nobody needs people like that around.

ErrataCorrige

Obviously their money is much more important to them than their relationship with you or their intentions to help out your son. Point this out to them, return the rest of the unused money, and close the door. I would not pay back the already spent money, since it was a gift, not a loan.

PJilly

Hmm that's kind of vague. Personally- when I lend out money to my family (which I've had to do numerous times) I just kiss it goodbye. I don't want money to come between me and my family or friends.
It's hard for me to figure out what I'd do in your shoes, I would have to ask if you can even afford to just give him his loan back, directly?
I'd either do that if I was too proud to give him said updates, or I'd just try to be graceful (if the money was necessary and I couldn't pay it back) and suck it up and give him some updates.

I know there aren't many details - wayyy too many to go into.

It was not given as a "loan" but a "gift" to use in a certain way. I've used it in the way the person wished - most of the money is still sitting there. There was just never any indication that there was supposed to be any kind of accounting or reporting of how the money was spent.

I agreed to provide updates, once the issue was brought up, but basically the person threw a tantrum and said "we couldn't work together" and demanded the money be returned.

It's no wonder they say hindsight is 20/20. Without knowing any more of the details, I think I'd be inclined to let the person know I used a portion of the gift the way I understood he or she wanted me to. I'd then express my regrets that there was a misunderstanding about what the conditions of the gift were and offer to return the remainder. On the other hand, if the relationship is irreparably damaged at this point and it would cause your son much suffering to return the money, I'd consider keeping it and writing it off as a lesson learned.

cassandra77

Obviously their money is much more important to them than their relationship with you or their intentions to help out your son. Point this out to them, return the rest of the unused money, and close the door. I would not pay back the already spent money, since it was a gift, not a loan.

Ditto... sorry you are going through this Sounds pretty sucky! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Carl01

Personally I would tell them to go scratch.
First off if there was a moral obligation for support even if not a legal one that person should be searching their souls as to why they didn`t.

To put stipulations on it is just a means of belittling you and trying to control you imo.
Spend the money as you see fit,

ladyhawk00

Thank you all - helps a bit just to get it off my chest. HATE this kind of drama and it makes me angry and sad.

mama_mia3

In my opinion, dearest, keep the money. By all rights, even legal ones, that money is YOURS. It was given as a gift, non-refundable. It wasn't a grant by some corporation that would require receipts, keeping close tabs that the money given out is spent for the reasons requested. It wasn't a loan to be paid back with or without interest. It was a gift to YOU for YOUR son. Keep it, honey. If this person hasn't been around before and this pisses him/her off about keeping it and then proceeds to exit back out of your life, what have you really lost? nothing. If you give back the money, this person most likely will leave your life anyway over all this $h-i-tiness, and then what have you lost? your son's money. If he starts talking legal action? don't let that be your intimidator...people always get scared when the word "lawyer" gets mentioned, but call his bluff. No contracts were made, no paperwork was filed, nothing was ever mentioned about paying it back, and fact that it flat out given to you as a gift makes it 100% all yours to do with as you see fit for your son...Ask any lawyer and they'll tell you the same thing. It'll be alright. YOU are his mother, nobody else, and as such you will always know what is best for him, what's in his best interest, and do everything in your power to do right by him. This person wants to control that part of your life....by gifting a wad of cash, he/she now expects to have a say in all your parental rights and conduct. Don't let him. Keep your money. If I were you, I'd put on my war paint and say "bring it, mother *ucker".