my boyfriend's mother

sneakydee

Hi folks,

I need some advice. My boyfriend's mother is a "feeder," meaning that whenever we go over, she has plenty of sugary, salty, and/or buttery foods that she piles on our plates. She lives alone, so when we visit her she always goes overboard on cooking, and she's offended if you don't try it all, and have big seconds of everything. We visited last night, which of course resulted in me going more than 300 calories over my daily max. The last thing I want to do is offend her, but whenever my boyfriend or I mention we're trying to eat healthy she complains that we're already too skinny. Advice, please?

thefreemans28

How often do you go over there? As long as it's not multiple days a week that you are eating like that, you should be fine. I know exactly where you are coming from... except my mother-in-law makes it, and then appologizes for not cooking healthier for me. I guess I just don't expect other people to change their ways for something I am doing. So, if you eat her food once a week or less, you really should be just fine.

mixmastermolly

Maybe let her know you're full and ask that she pack some food to go. I know it's kind of dishonest but that way you can either toss the food out when you get home or eat very small portions over the course of a few days.

quara

Can you sometimes say that you're just so full, or not feeling great, but you'd love to take lots home with you? That way, you make her feel like you want them but you don't actually have to eat them all? (or pop them in the freezer for a later date?)

the long term solution is to talk to her and try to get her to understand you're trying to lose weight and it's nothing personal, but that is difficult to do with some people, I understand!!

GabrielMaestas

If it were me, I'd have a little of those kinds of foods while I was there. Then I'd say, 'That was so good, may I have some to take home?' Then I'd make sure to put those foods in the freezer so they don't call me name all day but I can enjoy them a little at a time )

WhiteStar2351

No offence meant in the slightest, but you are an adult - just say no! My girlfriend was brought up in a culture where a lot of the social activities revolve around food / its rude not to give someone food if they visit so she's always trying to encourage me to eat a lot of bread, olives, biscuits, etc. I just say 'no thanks', and if she continues I just say.....'no thanks'! She still offers me food as she considers it polite to do so but knows I'll decline.

Just tell her you're full up / not hungry and don't want to force feed yourself!

pyro13g

If she doesn't respect your eating habits, don't visit at her place or have visits involving food. She owes you both an apology. Worst case, don't visit. If she gets offended, too bad, isn't that what she is doing to you?

kmunis

My MIL is a feeder too and I still deal with some of these issues with nearly 14 years of marriage under my belt! The best thing you can do is gush about anything she feeds you that is even vaguely healthy. If you tell her about the foods you love (healthy veggies, fruit, lean protein) maybe she will start providing these as meals when you come over. Bottom line that you need to do what's good for you and if she still doesn't get the hint, then you just have to say, "no thanks, I am watching what I eat and I don't want to gain back the weight I've lost"

SW: 215
GW:145
Mini Goals:
1/31 - 207 Achieved!!
2/28 - Under 200
5/29 - 185 (Beach Trip)
8/12 - 172 (Hubby's Birthday)
10/26 - 161 (Anniversary)
12/24 - 151 (My birthday)

dieseljay74

I would just eat before you go over....just like the eat before shopping idea!

tonisteedley

My mother -in-law in the same way, and let me tell you I think she finds the worst things to cook when we come for a visit. She knows that we workout daily and eat healthy. I truly just eat half of a serving and she sometimes does have salad so I eat alot of that, but there is always dessert around somewhere. I dont even eat it. Honestly I think " she will get over it". I always have her pack us some to take home, then I throw it away when I get home. And I mean Immediatley !!! cause if it sits in my fridge, temptation may take over. But ask her to pack you some up, then she dont get too offended. And ditch it when you get home.

sneakydee

You guys have given me lots of good ideas to try, and it's good to know I'm not alone in this situation. Thanks so much!

barefootbeauty

I have the same issue... except it's my Mother. Even though there is a lot of talk about how disrespectful it is, etc - the reality is that some people get great pleasure out of feeding others. My Mom is one of those people. And it is insulting if they can't stuff you full of "home cooking".

What I do is eat a little bit of everything - just a little bit. And then I ask or bring with a to-go containers. After a couple of times of doing that, she started sending me home with "meals for a week" in individual containers. Which are great if I only want to eat one large meal a day - and some days that's all I get with the running around that I do. I also plan for it - meaning if I know I'm having dinner with Mom then I make sure to get in an extra work-out before or after.

S0LYMAR

It is so tempting to it as well because reality is that it tastes good lol At the same time you don't really want to offend her so you might also ask her if you could serve yourself and pile your plate with veggies and salad leaving very little room for other things. Plan ahead and work out that day to earn your extra calories and eat extra light that day in preparation. You will be ok.

TrainerRobin

Oh we've got that in our family too. What's worked for us (especially for those week long visits):
1) Get up before they even wake up (yep, that means running the dark), go for a challenging run that burns a huge amount of calories.
2) Emphasize that it's not a weight or size issue, but a health issue (e.g., cholesterol, heart disease, etc.)
3) Tell them how much you'd love to have some of XYZ but that if you eat it, you'll actually feel bad (e.g., we've been off animal fats like butter for so long that if we eat even a tiny bit, our systems react in a not-so-pleasant way). When they know that, they are okay with us not eating that stuff and over the long run, they actually stop making that stuff for our visit because they know it won't get eaten.
The trick (in our family) has been to make it about health and not about weight/size because the latter option seemed to get them thinking that we don't like their stuff enough to make a short term sacrifice to show our appreciation. It's something that some folks just take personally because of how they were raised.
Navigating it this way has worked for us -- much better than when we used to say we were just watching our weight.

Hope it helps a little.

kimballtracy

i hate to say it but I am that way........ i wasnt brought up that way.... up untill now i would make sure there was food at every occasion...even right now im already planning my daughters birthday party (its 4 months away!) and there will be pizza there for the kids atleast. most of the time the forst thing out of my mouth when someone comes over is "are you thirsty?... are you hungry?" it makes me feel good about my cooking if they enjoy it. i neeed to change!!! ahhh lol.. but it dont hurt my feelings if they say no.

NotAllWhoWanderAreLost

I have a similar issue with my MIL who is definitely a feeder but i have a few good things going for me: 1) she lives overseas so i only have to deal with it (intensely) for a few weeks every other year or so. 2) the foods she pushes in insane amounts/frequency is actually fairly healthy (Lebanese) and 3) we go over when the fruit orchards and veggies are in season and our choices are plentiful.....howeverrrr what i have going against me: 1) i am sorta picky and my kids are EXTREMELY PICKY (one has aspergers w food adversions and the other has several food allergies) 2) i dont speak much arabic and she doesnt speak much english. I rely heavily on the rest of the family to translate and they dont want to stand up to her in the words that i would use to explain how i'm feeling. We can't even have a real conversation about this because of the language divide. Then there is 3) that even though i LIKE a lot of her dishes to some extent, eating a different cuisine morning, noon and night for 3 solid weeks (added to jet-lag and heavy doses of cigarette smoke exposure) really messes with my system. You can like chinese food, for example, but go ahead and eat it for every meal for a month.... see what i mean? lol and now a new thing to worry about 4) i recently learned that my BIL (young 20s) went dramatically from 300+ lbs to being anorexic while at university in Australia Diagnosed anorexic. So i fear MIL is going to be in high-gear in her quest to be a feeder / distruster of weightloss MIL this summer!!