Growing up FAT
Awineburg
Posts: 196
I have missed out on so many things being obese, weighing 370 lbs. at my heaviest. Ah there I said it, I hate talking about my weight but here I feel comfortable doing it. I don’t feel like people are judging me and I don’t feel embarrassed. I know I am heavy and I am making a conscience decision to change for the better. I want to live my life, and not watch it fly by and miss out. It made me re live the past and brought up emotions about being fat and growing up.
Growing up fat was not an easy thing to do either, Anyone else who has been heavy their whole life know this all too well. I was constantly the butt of jokes made by pimply face teenagers who were more insecure than I was. They made fun of me because I was different and didn’t look like the rest of them. I remember 5th grade, me and my friend were playing on the playground at recess. The boys were playing basketball and the ball got away from them and rolled towards us. I picked up the ball in an attempt to help and return it. The boy came at me and pushed me against the fence. I had scrapes and scratches along my arm and hand. To make matters worse this all happened in from of the teacher who did nothing. I personally thought a teacher was there to protect children and prevent this from happening… Guess I was wrong about that. Of course this was not the only abuse I received for being overweight in school, I was tormented on a daily basis and dreaded every day I had to go. I became depresses and I ate and ate and ate. I gained more weight. As I entered high school most of the teasing had worn off, I assume it was because I was with more older kids who are more mature and didn’t care that I was fat.
I never thought 9th grade would start off with physical contact that I know now was highly inappropriate and undeserving. We had our first assembly of the year, how exciting! Me and a few friends sat on the bleachers and watched what was going on below on the gymnasium floor. I felt this hand behind me grab my back. I thought it was just an accident as we were close together sitting there. Then I felt it again. I know that this can’t be a mistake, and look behind me to see who it was. It was him, this kid who was the same age as me. He was grabbing my back and jiggling it and laughing with his friends. I was wearing a bra that was too tight and caused back bulges. He was grabbing me like I was a piece of meat, that I didn’t have feelings. That was the most painful experience I have ever gone through. After that day I became extremely self-conscience. I never thought someone would do that. How could they do that? This was my body, not yours.
It was all downhill from there. I started eating more and doing less. I hated school, and I hated life. I would cry myself to sleep almost every other night. I didn’t want to leave my house or my bed. At that point I contemplated suicide. I did so for the next several years. After high school graduation, I was alone. I had nothing to do all day. I was not currently enrolled in school and that left me too much time to sit around a feel sorry for myself. I became even more depressed and continued to think about suicide. I wanted to hurt myself but wasn’t sure if I wanted to end it all. I am not sure if feeling that pain would make things more real, or what. I still do not know. I tried sticking myself with needles, which progressed to me using a lighter to heat up the needles and poke myself with them. When that didn’t work I moved to something a little more scary. A razor blade.
I took apart my pink bic and held the cold piece of metal in my hand. I was shocked at what I was thinking and not sure what I was going to do. I flicked the razor blade across my skin and causes a small scratch that did not bleed. This time I put more pressure behind it and I got a cut with blood. I immediately freaked out and threw the blade down and grabbed some toilet paper to blot the blood from my wound. I bandaged it up and went to bed like nothing had happened. A few days passed since this scary incident. I again was feeling low and decided to cut again. I don’t know why I decided to do this to myself. I got another razor blade and held it in my hand. This time I held the edge on my upper forearm. I curled over to let my body block what I was about to do. A second passed. No pain, I didn’t feel a thing. I wondered if I had missed? but that couldn’t be I had placed the blade on my skin. I sat up straight and revealed my arm and looked in horror at what I saw. No scratch or even a tiny cut, I had gone much deeper and I could see fat bulging from the sides of my fresh wound. I opened my mouth and could not speak, tears started rolling down my cheek. What have I done to myself? Why did I do this? What should I do. A few minutes past and the blood began to flow. I quickly grabbed toilet paper and held to my arm, the blood was not stopping so I got more toilet paper. What should I do, should I tell someone what happened? Who would I tell? How would I explain this? Am I going to die? I grabbed a towel from under the sink and placed it on my arm and applied firm pressure to my gaping wound. I rocked back and forth as I sat on the toilet crying. The bleeding had finally stopped enough for me to look at the cut, I can’t believe I did this. I stood up and tried to wash the wound in order to avoid infection, I gently washed it under cold water. I couldn’t stop shaking. I grabbed a handful of band aids from the medicine cabinet and placed them along my wound. I gathered my emotions and walked out of the bathroom to my bedroom. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
The anger and confusion I felt I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I never want to return to that dark place in my life where I felt I had nothing to live for. I have a wonderful mother and an amazing dad who has since passed on. My crazy twin sister, life would be lonely and boring without her! These are the things I have to live for! I have friends who care about me, family who loves me. Who could ask for more? Because of that one kid who teased me in school, he made me forget that I am loved. How dare he do such a thing.
I have two inch scar on my left arm that I see every day, I try and hide it but people ask me what happened. I tell them I was accidentally burned on something, afraid to tell them the truth. I am telling you the truth because I know that you have gone through the same struggles that I have. Its hard living like this, but we can change. We are changing, we are losing weight and making our lives happier
Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished, and remember you are loved!
Growing up fat was not an easy thing to do either, Anyone else who has been heavy their whole life know this all too well. I was constantly the butt of jokes made by pimply face teenagers who were more insecure than I was. They made fun of me because I was different and didn’t look like the rest of them. I remember 5th grade, me and my friend were playing on the playground at recess. The boys were playing basketball and the ball got away from them and rolled towards us. I picked up the ball in an attempt to help and return it. The boy came at me and pushed me against the fence. I had scrapes and scratches along my arm and hand. To make matters worse this all happened in from of the teacher who did nothing. I personally thought a teacher was there to protect children and prevent this from happening… Guess I was wrong about that. Of course this was not the only abuse I received for being overweight in school, I was tormented on a daily basis and dreaded every day I had to go. I became depresses and I ate and ate and ate. I gained more weight. As I entered high school most of the teasing had worn off, I assume it was because I was with more older kids who are more mature and didn’t care that I was fat.
I never thought 9th grade would start off with physical contact that I know now was highly inappropriate and undeserving. We had our first assembly of the year, how exciting! Me and a few friends sat on the bleachers and watched what was going on below on the gymnasium floor. I felt this hand behind me grab my back. I thought it was just an accident as we were close together sitting there. Then I felt it again. I know that this can’t be a mistake, and look behind me to see who it was. It was him, this kid who was the same age as me. He was grabbing my back and jiggling it and laughing with his friends. I was wearing a bra that was too tight and caused back bulges. He was grabbing me like I was a piece of meat, that I didn’t have feelings. That was the most painful experience I have ever gone through. After that day I became extremely self-conscience. I never thought someone would do that. How could they do that? This was my body, not yours.
It was all downhill from there. I started eating more and doing less. I hated school, and I hated life. I would cry myself to sleep almost every other night. I didn’t want to leave my house or my bed. At that point I contemplated suicide. I did so for the next several years. After high school graduation, I was alone. I had nothing to do all day. I was not currently enrolled in school and that left me too much time to sit around a feel sorry for myself. I became even more depressed and continued to think about suicide. I wanted to hurt myself but wasn’t sure if I wanted to end it all. I am not sure if feeling that pain would make things more real, or what. I still do not know. I tried sticking myself with needles, which progressed to me using a lighter to heat up the needles and poke myself with them. When that didn’t work I moved to something a little more scary. A razor blade.
I took apart my pink bic and held the cold piece of metal in my hand. I was shocked at what I was thinking and not sure what I was going to do. I flicked the razor blade across my skin and causes a small scratch that did not bleed. This time I put more pressure behind it and I got a cut with blood. I immediately freaked out and threw the blade down and grabbed some toilet paper to blot the blood from my wound. I bandaged it up and went to bed like nothing had happened. A few days passed since this scary incident. I again was feeling low and decided to cut again. I don’t know why I decided to do this to myself. I got another razor blade and held it in my hand. This time I held the edge on my upper forearm. I curled over to let my body block what I was about to do. A second passed. No pain, I didn’t feel a thing. I wondered if I had missed? but that couldn’t be I had placed the blade on my skin. I sat up straight and revealed my arm and looked in horror at what I saw. No scratch or even a tiny cut, I had gone much deeper and I could see fat bulging from the sides of my fresh wound. I opened my mouth and could not speak, tears started rolling down my cheek. What have I done to myself? Why did I do this? What should I do. A few minutes past and the blood began to flow. I quickly grabbed toilet paper and held to my arm, the blood was not stopping so I got more toilet paper. What should I do, should I tell someone what happened? Who would I tell? How would I explain this? Am I going to die? I grabbed a towel from under the sink and placed it on my arm and applied firm pressure to my gaping wound. I rocked back and forth as I sat on the toilet crying. The bleeding had finally stopped enough for me to look at the cut, I can’t believe I did this. I stood up and tried to wash the wound in order to avoid infection, I gently washed it under cold water. I couldn’t stop shaking. I grabbed a handful of band aids from the medicine cabinet and placed them along my wound. I gathered my emotions and walked out of the bathroom to my bedroom. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
The anger and confusion I felt I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I never want to return to that dark place in my life where I felt I had nothing to live for. I have a wonderful mother and an amazing dad who has since passed on. My crazy twin sister, life would be lonely and boring without her! These are the things I have to live for! I have friends who care about me, family who loves me. Who could ask for more? Because of that one kid who teased me in school, he made me forget that I am loved. How dare he do such a thing.
I have two inch scar on my left arm that I see every day, I try and hide it but people ask me what happened. I tell them I was accidentally burned on something, afraid to tell them the truth. I am telling you the truth because I know that you have gone through the same struggles that I have. Its hard living like this, but we can change. We are changing, we are losing weight and making our lives happier
Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished, and remember you are loved!
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Replies
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I wish you all the best!0
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Wow. This is so touching. People can be so cruel. Thanks for telling us your story. You have found a safe haven in MFP. Trust me.0
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Wow...what an experience. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Although I too grew up fat, I was in a fat family where I thought I was normal so thankfully, I did not suffer in some of the ways that you did. Know that you are not judged here and if you ever need support or encouragement, we are all here!
Thank you for sharing! Keep working hard...you can do this!!
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Thank you for sharing what sound like painful memories. You are right, we sure can change, and good for you for taking the first steps. Wishing you all the luck in your journey!0
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you are very brave!
you have decided to do something.
i wasn't big as a kid i could eat what it liked, until i was 18 then i started to get bigger, but i would not see i was big, shops were making cloths smaller, i was shrinking stuff, it wasn't me eating . i wasn't fat, i looked in the mirror and saw me not fat. i got to 245lb, that was the wake up call when my husband went for his 40 year old check and weighed what i did and was told he wouldnt make it to 50 without a heart attack.
its a long journey that will be rewarding. dont put to much pressure on yourself, you can do it
get a picture taken and keep it on your phone or pc,so you can look back and say that was me . and when you are comfortable with showing every one your weight losses you will be an inspiration to others.. we are behind you .x.x.x.x0 -
if you take out the cutting you have my story..except im still in highschool, well homeschooled now...0
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WOW! I am about to cry reading this....
this is very personal and emotional! It was very brave of you to put this all out there! And hopefully a little releasing for you to let it out!
YOU are worth so much more than you were made to feel!
I'm sorry that someone put you thru that, it was so cruel!
I was heavy all my life too and always felt that I didn't fit in and people didn't want to be my friend due to the weight! Thankfully I have always had a very supportive family!
I hope you realize that you are important and that you love yourself enough to take control and be in charge of how you feel and look.
Good luck on your journey and know that there is SO much support on this site!
Here is to a healthy you....body, mind and soul!0 -
You and I have a pretty similar story. I didn't try it until I was about 24. I chickened out the moment I saw my own blood. Thats when i realized something had to be done. I ended up getting psychological help and yet still fought with my weight for years. now... with the urging of my best friends and my own need to be happy and healthy I'm doing this. and I'm succeeding. So i want you to know its possible.
I started a hilarious lil group for my friends on facebook called the chubscouts and we are losing weight together support is key.
I have faith in you!0 -
Wow! Your story brought tears to my eyes. Your story is close to mine without the cutting. I was teased in high school (kids can be so cruel). Now, I am making a difference in hopes that my children have a healthy lifestyle as well. We are in this together!!! Stay strong and keep up the good work!!!
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Thanks for sharing your story. Know that you are not alone in your struggles.You have much to contribute here that will help others. Best of luck to you.0
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Thank you so much for sharing your story with everyone today. Even though it's only online, writing something like this for other people to see takes a lot of courage. I am so sorry for the things you have had to deal with in the past and I am so happy that you are motivated to make your future brighter. I hope the past is something that can drive you forward rather then hold you back. I wish you the best of luck! You can do it!0
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*Bump*0
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I just can't believe how cruel some kids can be. I am sorry to hear about what you went through, it makes my heart hurt. I wish you the best of luck on your weight loss journey!0
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I know what you are going through also. I started gaining weight when I was in 3rd grade and it wasnt till I was in 7th grade I started to get made fun of for my weight. Kids would trip me hit me with keys that were tied on a rope and hit me almost like they were using a wip. I had my head bashed into a locker and kids hit me on the back. I delt with this until about 10th grade. When I was in 6th grade my father devolped brain cancer and dealing with that and gettin teased my self esteem was shot my father by the time I was in ninth grade was bed fast and could not take care of himself. he was a vegetable. My mother and I took care of him at home till I was in 11th grade. I think I was in 10th grade when I was thinking about choking myself but I thought if I did how could my mother take care of my dad. I'm glad I didn't go through with it. My father passed by the time I was in 11th grade. and in the next three years my weight went from 270 to 350. I used food to comfort me. then one day I when I was about 21 I saw my friend get injured and he was about150 lbs. and the emt had a hard time getting him up off the ground. I thought if they had a hard time with him how could they be able to get me up when I weigh 350. So the next day I started to loose weight.and a year later throught diet and exercise I lost 125 lbs through exercise and weight watchers. You will feel so much better almost like you have a new life you will enjoy every minute of it. You deserve it. I know I did. About 10 years later my weight came back on and I am trying to loose the weight again. You need to keep positive. Get a paper and wright yours goals on it and be realistic. Wright all the positve things in your life on paper that will change when you lose weight from getting healthy to fitting into that peice of clothing that you want to fit into. Try to get some positive infuences in your life they will be more than willing to help you get to your goal. Add me as a friend if you need some advice. I hope you acheive all your goals in your life. Good Luck0
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Wow, that was so hard to read. I'm sorry you went through that...and unfortunately I too know how it all feels.
I seriously felt like I just read my own journal.....how scary.
I wish you the very best on your journey, thank you for sharing your story.0 -
Not just children/young people can be cruel, but life itself can be cruel. There are 2 ways that people generally handle situations like that. Like you, I grew up big. I've been big since I was young. I've taken the jokes but I gave 'em right back. It does build up insecurity and does put your self-esteem in a downward spiral...that's just the psychological coping mechanism that the constant conditioning of repeated abuse results in.
Learning to cope with extreme stress manifests itself in many ways, usually in the form of destructive behavior, self or otherwise. And the first step to dealing with life is to accept it for what it is, unfair yet somehow balanced in its own weird way. Setting a positive goal is the second step in dealing with hardships. The next is to map out a plan and ultimately, to take action of that plan with the utmost confidence. As unfair as life is, it will throw challenges your way. Use that confidence to break through those barriers and let nothing stop your motivation. Not even yourself. If you can convince yourself to start something, it's easy enough to convince yourself out of it. Remind yourself why you started in the first place and stick to it.
I sympathize with your struggle and I applaud your bravery. You're taking a step in the direction you've set for yourself. Do it with full force. You have a community of people ready to support you, if your own support begins to waver. I wish you much success on your journey.0 -
i have the same issue with growing up fat....although im now in my 30's i still sometimes feel like i did when i was in school, people still stare at me and i still have a complex about it...but thanks to my children im getting healthy finally, for them and for me....together we can do this...plz add me as a friend so we can motivate and stay on track......best of luck :happy:0
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wow...brought tears to my eyes reading this. 'what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger' and that is the truth. I will add you as a friend and support system! Don't say diet...say a lifestyle change. that really has helped me!0
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Thank you for sharing your story. I remember the pains of being fat as a kid. Actually, I had the trifecta of bully bait: fat, glasses and nerdy. Wow. I got slammed. Luckily, I went to a Catholic school that was right behind a church, so I just had to duck in there after school and wait for the kids to clear out of the yard. Then I could walk home in peace. This was obviously long before 'amber alerts' and parents picking kids up and dropping them off at school. It was like being in a war zone and waiting for the enemy soldiers to go back to their barracks before sneaking across the field to get home.
Lost the weight in high school, and even stayed away during college - but my lifestyle was far from healthy. You can't really live on coffee and cigarettes, but I tried. Now I'm married to a wonderful chef and have to learn to not be afraid of food because of the horrors of youth, but to eat, move and breathe every day as a person like anyone else who deserves to be on this planet and to be happy. I wish the same for you that you can continue on the road to health moving and loving who you are and where you are at this moment. One day at a time may be too big of a chunk some days, but keep going. You're creating yourself anew, so enjoy it. What could be better than re-creation! 0 -
What a powerful story. Thank you for taking the time to write this out. You are on the right track now and you'll find so many wonderful, supportive people here. Best of luck on your journey.0
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