Finally figured out why hubby hasn't supported all of my eff

kwardklinck

I feel really sad writing this. My husband made a comment to me yesterday that really cleared up why families may try to sabatoge our efforts. First of all, we've been married for 25 years. I met him when I was 17 and he was 27. We married when I was 19. We have two wonderful children together. I was telling him how sad it was that my 5th grade teacher recently lost her husband. Hubby and I have been friends, partners, lovers, and parents together for many years now and I can't imagine life without him.
He said, "Oh well with all of the working out you're doing, you'll find someone else after I'm gone." It really hurt my heart, but it makes me think that maybe that's been his biggest fear all along. I told him, "I don't want someone else. I want you here. That's why I bought a gym membership for both of us." I've been trying to get him to go with me but he won't. I think we've been together maybe 3 times since June. Maybe as we grow and change, we should find ways to reassure our partner that we love them and that getting healthy is benefit to the relationship.

sauza

men find sex reassuring , am I right, boys?

MissAnjy

I completely agree. A LOT of men feel this way (or so i've been told by a lot of people). Some men can feel very threatened by a woman's weight loss, especially if he thinks she's "too good for him" already. I hope your husband realizes that you're doing this for his benefit, and truly believes that.

luv2ash

Ya, I have to say my hubs has been loving the new me

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I mean really loving it-LOL WE have been married for 22 years as well with 2 kids, and I work at home and don't get out much so maybe that fear is not set in him---plus when I go anywhere, I always have my kids with me - so maybe that is how he gets his reassurance that nothing funny is happening - LOL!

dracobaby82

I feel your pain, when I start getting back into exercising every day, and now twice a day my man seems distant... and I'm sure he feels like your hubby does, but mine would never go to the gym with me at all lol much less anything healthy... he still eats really unhealthy, and I've stopped eating like that with him and I know it makes him sad.... but at the same time I wanna be fit and in shape and be able to keep up with all the kids!

Good luck with this, I know it is hard... maybe find something you guys can do outdoors together?

kwardklinck

My kids are grown. He loves the new me and keeps calling me "Hot Mama", but I think the insecurity is always there for him. By the way, he looks great for a 54 year old man. He looks better than most guys my age in fact. He's not overweight, he still has all of his hair, and it's not even gone gray at all. I just think he could benefit from a healthier diet and regular exercise. I want to keep him around for awhile.

zorro623

I'm more or less alone most of the time in my efforts to eat healthy and be fit, so I understand that aspect. But I can't understand why anyone would sabotage or put down anyone's efforts to live a better/healthier life. My husband is on again/off again with working out and eating healthier, but I can honestly say that he's always supported my own personal efforts to eat better and workout. I'm sorry for what your hubby said, I can't imagine how I'd feel if mine did the same. Regardless, there is a very supportive community here to support your efforts and please know that the desire to live healthier comes from within ourselves and others don't always understand that desire. Good luck in your efforts!

MrsBehaving

I'm not sure if anyone has said this yet and it is hard to know for sure because I obviously wasn't there, but do you think maybe he actually finds comfort in that? Maybe he realizes that with the age difference that he may not be around as long as you but he wants to know you will be taken care of and won't be alone. Perhaps he made that comment out of love for you and not out of anger or jealousy or fear that you will leave him?

schninie82

Insecure men!!! They are the worst!!! Maybe he needs more than a 12 month Gym Membership card to feel secure...catch my drift...Some sexy underware and a dirty weekend away maybe on the cards...!!!!

MrsBehaving

Oh and the way you put what he said, it almost sounds like he was trying to comfort YOU. Making sure that YOU know that even if he isn't around, you will find someone and won't have to be alone like your teacher. Just another thought.

luv2ash

Insecure men!!! They are the worst!!! Maybe he needs more than a 12 month Gym Membership card to feel secure...catch my drift...Some sexy underware and a dirty weekend away maybe on the cards...!!!!

I actually think there is a lot truth to this, especially as the weight keeps coming off, she is going to feel better about herself and want to do what you stated above, and he will reap the benefits, and then he will be onboard!!! thats how it worked around here.

ErrataCorrige

I started working out because I thought my husband was going to start looking for someone more attractive and younger. (I am 5 years older than him.) Turns out it just made him feel insecure that I would start looking for someone else. Marriage is funny sometimes. :0

It's good that you finally got him to open up about his fears. Maybe putting a voice to them will help him work past them. Sounds like you guys have a really great thing going!

kwardklinck

Thank you for the comfort angle. My husband isn't a mean-spirited person and I don't think he's trying to deliberately sabatoge me. He offers bad foods to me all the time. It was harder in the beginning but now I have no trouble saying, "No thanks." He whistles when I walk through a room and tells me often, "Your butt looks so good in those pants." I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I've just been feeling kind of scared because he's getting older, he has high cholesterol, he drinks a little too much beer, and activity seems to make him breathless in a way it never did before.

rhodes2b

It is unfortunate that many perceive "self-improvement" as a result or intention to move on or find something better. My husband had made comments like that as well. I am lucky since he has come around to support my journey.

There is nothing you can do. He needs to get over his own insecurities and realize that you are doing this regardless.. you might be able to explain to him that you want him by your side on this journey. I had many people tell me to get mine involved in this process. He doesn't do the workouts or anything but I do invite him everyday. He also eats a great of the same meals I eat...just in much larger portions.

I also make sure when I come back from my workouts completely drenched and gross that I lay the biggest hug and smooch on him. He then really can feel all the effort it takes to sweat off this weight.

sbwood888

I'm gonna play Devil's Advocate here. I know how he feels. My husband is also overweight but I think he is a very handsome man. When he loses weight, he is GORGEOUS. Much nicer looking than I am. I have my own fears that he may get a better offer than me someday. We are both losing weight, but I have more of a problem with loose skin than he does and I know that no matter how much I lose, I am still not gonna have a sexy body. He will. I hope his love for me will be enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. I understand how your hubby feels.

Rubie81

Awe, I'm sorry he feels insecure. But it seems like you both have a wonderful relationship and you will be able to reassure him.
Hugs.

kwardklinck

I'm gonna play Devil's Advocate here. I know how he feels. My husband is also overweight but I think he is a very handsome man. When he loses weight, he is GORGEOUS. Much nicer looking than I am. I have my own fears that he may get a better offer than me someday. We are both losing weight, but I have more of a problem with loose skin than he does and I know that no matter how much I lose, I am still not gonna have a sexy body. He will. I hope his love for me will be enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. I understand how your hubby feels.

I think you hit the nail on the head. A few years back, my husband actually said to me, "You look good for your age, but I look good." Ok yeah it was kinda a jerky thing to say but he's not normally a jerk, he just says things stupidly every now and then. Maybe he does have a problem with me looking better than him. LOL.

SuzanneRogers

My parents went through the same thing. My mom lost over 100 lbs and my dad hated it and fought her every step of the way. She didn't tell him that she was cooking healthier, low fat, low calories meals that she fed them both, so he lost weight too and lower his blood pressure and cholesterol without even knowing it. Just feed him what you are eating, ask him to go walk with you in the park any type of activities you can do together is a start, don't push the gym, he will get there when he is ready.

By the way my dad now drives my mom to the gym everyday because she can no longer drive, he is her biggest fan now. She don't give up on him, just keep on your path and he will see how great you look and feel and he will turn around.

Bests of luck.

loupammac

Never underestimate the amount of reassurance a pair of sexy panties gives to a man.

I'm always telling my man that if I wanted to find somebody else, I would have long ago. We've been dating for nearly four years and I think it's safe to say that the window of opportunity has well and truly closed. He's absolutely perfect to me even though most girls wouldn't give him the time of day. Just reassure your man and let him know that you're doing this for you as well as for him. Maybe you two could go for walks together?

nlewis22

Men truly want 3 things in a marraige, besides sex. They want the 3 A's: to be adored, admired and appreciated. Maybe you should tell him how appreciative you are of his support (even if he's not being supportive, maybe the praise for it will make him want to earn that praise). I'm certainly not telling you how to make a marraige work, I've only been married for a year and 9 months, so I know that you should be teaching me, not the other way around. I know I used to be kind of harsh on my husband after he'd ben having trouble getting another job, but when I started praising him for all the work he did around the house and how hard he had been working towards getting a good job, things got better and we're both a lot happier.
Also, men are just as insecure as women, maybe more so at times, so yes, just re-affirm that he is the only man for you and only you know how to do that best.
Good luck with everything!

LG61820

Most people have problems when loved ones make changes. It's a fear of the "unknown" .