Family Dilemma...

Determined120509

I have a dilemma. I have been on MFP for about a month and a half now…and love it! I’ve lost 7 pounds and can’t wait to lose the rest. Now for my dilemma. I have an older sister who means everything to me. She is severely overweight and shows no interest in losing any of it. She eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I talk about MFP with her and she judges me for counting calories. I have invited her to the gym but “something always comes up”. She had minor knee surgery back in September ’10 and is still hobbling because she does not exercise her knee at all. I am really concerned for her health. Not only getting her knee back up to par..but also how overweight she is and how hard that must be on her heart. We live about 2 minutes apart and she always invites me over for supper but I always decline because I know non of it will be healthy…ofcourse she gets offended. Any advice is much appreciated!

That_Girl

I have no advice except that if it was me and my sister, I'd have a long talk about how I feel about her health, how I can't eat at her house and that I love her.

Then...that would probably be it for a while because she'd get upset, etc, etc...

At least she'd know my issues and not think I was just being a big beyotch. Good luck.

ajbeans

My advice is to be an example, but let her live her life. You can't make choices for other people, and she's made it clear that she doesn't want to hear it. Continue on your path, and hopefully she'll learn from your example and want to make changes too. When that happens, and only then, offer your advice.

About the dinner invitations though -- again, you have to choose your own path. You're trying to eat healthy, and you know you won't get that there. She chooses to be offended when you decline the invitation. You are not responsible for that. As long as you're being polite, you've done all you can do.

Vicky14174

I agree with That_Girl and ajweekley. All you can do is let her know that you love her dearly and that you fear for her welfare. Then you have to lead by example. And know you can't make anybody do anything that they don't want to do. It's like leading a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It is out of your control. The only thing you can control is your journey and that's what you need to focus on. Then you have to except your sister for who she is and let go and let God.

Good luck on your journey and we are all here for you.

vkpmusic

Go every once in a while and account for it ahead of time....then return the favor and cook one of her favorite foods in a healthier way.

ckmama

I have the same story. For years even when I lsot 85 lbs and she was encouraged, she still didn't have the motivation to do it.

But now, just recently she has started own her own eating right and exercising with no encouragement from anyone...you know why, she had to decide to do it when she was ready for it.

Not because she needed to but when she was ready to. Motivation needs to come from the inside or you won't stick with anything.

spennato

I have a dilemma. I have been on MFP for about a month and a half now…and love it! I’ve lost 7 pounds and can’t wait to lose the rest. Now for my dilemma. I have an older sister who means everything to me. She is severely overweight and shows no interest in losing any of it. She eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I talk about MFP with her and she judges me for counting calories. I have invited her to the gym but “something always comes up”. She had minor knee surgery back in September ’10 and is still hobbling because she does not exercise her knee at all. I am really concerned for her health. Not only getting her knee back up to par..but also how overweight she is and how hard that must be on her heart. We live about 2 minutes apart and she always invites me over for supper but I always decline because I know non of it will be healthy…ofcourse she gets offended. Any advice is much appreciated!

I have an older brother who showed no interest in losing weight and As everyone kept complimenting me on my weight loss he suddenly joined the gym. What I am getting to is lead by example and hopefully she will follow. Keep up the good work!!!

strandedeyes

How blunt can you be with your sister? When she gets offended, how long does she hold it in and keep that grudge?

I have had similar issues with friends and family but this past weekend, I was just outright blunt to my family. I told them that we all needed to shape up and I had to count my calories. My brother (he needs not to lose weight but to be healthier anyways) laughed in my face but I just pushed through, recorded my cals, measured out what food I could eat, and he slowly shut it. I can be very blunt towards my family and I next did the same to my father, who is a big baby. He acted all offended but since I was very diligent with him as well, he slowly started asking me questions of what I was doing. It happens..

I would recommend sitting your sister down and be very direct if you can be with her. Tell her this is what you are doing and what you are sticking with. If she gets offended or gives you any take back, tell her its working for you. Add in as well that you believe she needs to join in and if she gets offended, don't budge. You obviously love her and care a lot about her. Sometimes tough love is what it takes. If she still doesn't budge, then you have to move on for now and do what you can for yourself. Maybe when she sees the bigger differences, as they will come, she will turn to you then.

Great job on your journey so far and keep it up

jojo_hill44

It's funny, but a friend of mine asked me the exact same question a few weeks ago. She told me that she worked with a girl that was really overweight. The girl missed work a lot because of knee pain - due to being overweight. She wanted to know if I could share any advice to help my friend talk to this girl. I will tell you what I told her.

One thing I have learned in my 10+ years of trying to lose weight is that it won't happen unless you want it to. Yes, for 10 years I hated being overweight... but I really wasn't willing to commit to the hard work it took. I went from diet plan to diet plan looking for the quickest fix with the littlest amount of work required - and you know what happened? I ended up even bigger than when I started.

I knew that my health (or lack thereof) was killing me. I knew if I didn't lose the weight, I'd probably end up dying sooner than I should....I just didn't or couldn't think about changing any of it.

I had people, close to me, tell me over and over how serious my weight was - and that I needed to do something about it. I ended up resenting those people - bless them - even though they were just trying to help. I wasn't interested, and I was tired of people telling me what I "needed" to do about my "situation".

I can't say that I had one major incident that lead to turning it all around. I just got tired of being tired. I was tired ALL of the time. I was in pain (with my knees) ALL of the time. I couldn't play with my kids. So, I decided to just start out small...walking around a track for 10 minutes a day. I started replacing some of the junk with better, healthier options.

I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing your concerns with your sister - but be ready for some turmoil to erupt. No one is going to be able to make her change - until she's ready. Continue to express how much better you feel about your decisions to get healthy. Constantly remark about how much better you feel, look, and how much you've been able to accomplish - but don't try to force it down her throat to do the same....or things may end up worse for her.

nickiesue

I used to be like your sister. My little sister and brother are gifted with very high metabolisms. They can eat whatever they want whenever they want and stay so skinny. (My 18 yr old sister hovers around 115lbs) Since my sister lives with me it was frustrating always watching her eat and eat and never gain. I just didn't care. But last year I bought the three of us season passes to a near by amusement park. After going with the kids several times and discovering that I just had to sit around while they had all the fun I realized "this sucks". I talked to my sister about it and she has rode my case ever since. I discovered MFP from a friend at work and when I told my sister about it she told me "get to it!" So I did! And now by summer I will be able to enjoy all the rides with my siblings!

The point is I think with people that just don't seem to care you have to find their weak spot. What makes them care? It could be family, ridicule from others, not being able to sit comfortably in a venue, not being able to ride that ride, ect... Talk to her, find out just what makes her tick and once you do "hit" her where it counts. Yes it is mean, there are days I want to strangle my sister but I know she loves me and is trying to do what is right so I take a few deep breathes and basically do as I am told!

Good Luck my dear that is indeed a tough situation.

FearAnLoathing

you cant make someone change they have to want to.

Newfiedan

Family is everything to me as well and unfortunately you have to be willing to make the change or hit that time in your life when its "just do it" time. I hit that myself and I am so glad I did, you can try to lead by example and as much as it kills you there is only so much you can do. I would continue on you path and as she sees the results then maybe that will get her motivated to make the change. For me it was a very easy thing to do, I just cut out the crap and since I like eating veggies and healthier anyhow the weight came off pretty fast. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink the same applies to people, I see every excuse in the book from people who struggle, I am kind of hard nosed about it I guess. Its kinda one of those "get off your *kitten* stop making excuses and get your head in the game" things for me. I motivate my wife by giving her flack when she wants to slack off, she does the same for me. If she does not want to make the change (either for some deep seated emotional reasons or otherwise) you can not force her to do so. But do have that talk with her and be honest with her, she may hate you for it at the moment but she will come around in time. Many people once they let go of the reasons why they can't get ahead start making progress in leaps and bounds when they start looking for reasons why they can do it.

becalee26

It's tough! My sister is 100 lbs over weight and a Type II diabetic. She really does not take care of herself and it drives me crazy. We lost our mom to Diabetes so she's full aware of what can happen. I don't harass her about loosing wieght. She knows already but just doesn't have the drive. I tend to think the more you tell someone that they should loose weight, they'll do the opposite. She's an adult and makes her own choices. It is hard when I go to her house though. She lives 2.5 hours away so when I go I spend the weekend. She always has ice cream, brownies, ect.. and I usually pig out. If we lived closer, I probably would encouarge her to take walks with me and when she comes over to eat, make healthy meals.


Good luck!

bhb301

Why don't you go and bring your own dinner? Over the years I have realized you can not push anyone to lose weight. Just do this for yourself and hopefully she will see you and want to follow

Stasia_Niuka

Greetings,

Love and judgement can't fit in the same space at the same time. You'll have to choose if you want to be loving and compassionate with your sister, or if you want to continue to judge her harshly for her choices. Your sister is fat for good reasons that work for her, and they must work for her more than the annoyance of the knee or she would be more interested in losing weight.

I fully agree with the suggestion to offer to make dinner for her and her family at her house or at yours. You should stick up for what you need, and feel free to talk about the calories and how you will track what you eat at her house. I would just eat what she prepares in small amounts that fit in your plan, or bring the food you want to eat.

Eating together is an opportunity to celebrate family and love. I hope you won't stop eating with your sister just because she doesn't want to eat what you want to eat right now.

--Emma