Bad habits die hard?!

losing4myself

In highschool I used to starve myself and when I did eat I would most always throw it up the first chance I got. I hate that I did that in the past because I know I messed up my metabolism and ended up gaining even more weight than if I had just reduced calories, and increased activity. I got such great results though with the weight loss...my pants were litterally falling off me and I could look in the mirror and notice a smaller stomach. Who knows how much I weighed and how much I was losing though...I NEVER weighed myself. I remember my mom looking worried asking if I was using drugs such as meth. HA!! No mom...just throwing up your dinner every night. If only my parents had known. Speaking of "parent"...now that I am a parent blessed with an amazing 2 year old boy whom is the reason I live....keeps me from the dangerous lifestyle I once had...so I thought. I have been on MANY diets since he has been born and I ALWAYS find myself eating less and less food as the days pass. I always end up eating zero calories and wanting to throw up if I do. I don't want to be that kind of person around my child but it's so easy to be that way right now because my husband is in the army and away for training. This only happens when I go on a diet though. Doesn't matter what diet it is. When my husband left on Halloween for the training (2010) I was dieting, I wasn't weighing, I was just trying to get used to him being gone for the first time and trying to just live as normal as possible. Well 3 months pass by and I decide I should I should go on yet another diet and was totally motivated when I weighed myself and saw I had lost 20 pounds in those 3 months (through the holidays and ALL) by just "living my life". So I started my diet, as the days passed ate less and less.....and this time with hubby gone for the first time.....I was able to eat and throw up I am super mad at myself. Two days of throwing up and being the way I used to be brought back too many bad memories of how I physically used to feel. I can NOT live that way. So pretty much...i'm going to "live my life" and NOT DIET. Turns out I lose weight when I don't diet....and gain when I do diet. I know 100% what is healthy to eat and what is unhealthy to eat. I lost 20# in those three months just doin what I do. That's 80 pounds a year and not even DIETING. Obviously things come up and you go off a bit...that is why I am obese nonetheless. I can't fully blame the messed up metabolism and heritage. I am making a personal goal to start using that darn treadmill I have in my bedroom as well. I hate to use it and dread to use it...but everytime AFTER I use it and am so proud of myself and feel great. Okay...so for those of you that actually read this all the way through...you're so sweet, lol. I wanted to get this out in the open and not bottle it inside and hold myself accountable for my mistakes. I think I have a new outlook on life right now!! I have never been motivated before to NOT diet!! Hmmm....we shall see how this goes

losing4myself

.........Halloween for the training (2010) I was dieting, I wasn't weighing

*I was NOT dieting

NikkisNewStart

I applaud you for getting it all out there. This is a judgement free zone. More often than not, eating disorders are not about the food but of control. I want you to know that I have been there too but have now found a better and more healthy form of control. Real control. Nothing feels better than being healthy. Only depending on food for nourishment to fuel your machine of a body. Nothing feels better than being powerful in both mind and body and taking back your life! Food controls you when you have an eating disorder, not the other way around. Friend me and I will keep encouraging you to take back your life! From one mom to another- I promise you it is soooo worth it!

losing4myself

Thank you ClintsWife!! And that is totally what I want...control!! I would just prefer that control to be directed towards a healthier way of living as you were saying!! I'm also hoping to become obsessed (in a healthy way) with excersise in replace of the obsession I had with food. They say working out is addicting and I would love to get hooked on it!! LOL!! My problem is always starting something and feeling like i'm not doing enough. It's important to remind myself that all the things that I am doing is better than what I WAS doing and WILL pay off.