Confidence and weight inversely proportional?

themorse

I used to hate myself when I was thin (5'8", 150lbs, US size 8) and was always self-conscious and trying to lose 5 more lbs. Now I look at photos of the old me now and realize how fabulous I looked. I turned heads everywhere I went. Guys used to hang out car windows calling and honking at me when I'd walk down the street, even if I was pushing my toddler in her stroller (I don't think it's sexist and I don't find it objectifying, I see it as a compliment). I used to spend a lot of time in the gym and had a well-toned Scarlett Johanssen-type figure, but I never felt truly good about myself or comfortable in my own skin. I was always trying to cover up this or that imaginary flaw, and didn't much like to be seen in a swimsuit. It didn't help that my first husband used to constantly make fun of me, and even went out of his way to tell me I was fat (FAT?!) and that he just wasn't that attracted to me on an almost daily basis.

I gained a lot of weight after I had kids and was eating for a lot of messed up reasons, lost some and was at a nice healthy size 12, got sick for about a year and gained it all back, and finally at about 50 lbs heavier and a size 16, I've learned to love myself and feel great about me, stretch marks and all. My amazing body has given life to two beautiful, healthy little girls. I don't envision myself as a fat person in my mind's eye (which sometimes surprises me when I look in the mirror or see photos of myself). I wear a bikini when I take my kids to the beach because that's what I want to wear. I don't feel self-conscious about my size, my shape, or my jiggly bits. Now I just can't wait for my outside to reflect the person I see inside.

I want to be a healthy and comfortable weight, whatever that might be for me, lower my risks of heart disease and type II diabetes, get in shape again (I've gotten addicted to running but had to stop because of shin splints - losing the weight will help that as well), and set a good example for my two little girls. You bet I want to turn heads again walking down the street because it makes me feel great - but one thing I've found is that my reason for wanting to lose weight is not because I feel bad about the way I look. I love me just the way I am and I feel great about myself. Does anybody else have this kind of experience?

amycal

Thanks for sharing. I am sorry you have had so many troubles, I was always thin too until after kids. I was about 130 at 5'6" when I got married. After my second daughter I lost a lot of weight through a low fat/high carb diet (it was mid 90's and that's what people did) but l let 40 pounds creep onto my body in the past 15 years. In 2004 my DH and I went to Hawaii and I was down to about 150 and working out consistently but we moved soon after that and had a lot of financial stress and I got fat!

I didn't always feel fat though then and sometimes wondered how I didn't appreciate my body when I was thinner. I love what you said about loving your body for giving life to two beautiful healthy girls - I feel the same way. Although I won't be baring my stretch marks in a bikini even if I am down to 130 again LOL! I am down to the mid 160's now and working out regularly and I do feel great. I don't know that my stomach will ever be perfect but I feel strong and fit and not so fat anymore.

I hope you stick with your new plan and postive body image. You are lucky to be doing this at your age - I am 46 and regret the past decade that I didn't take care of myself. But I spent a lot of time with my girls and now that the oldest is in college and my younger daughter drives I have time to exercise regularly. I am also feeding my family better although I always did a fairly good job of making healthy dinners. But our kitchen is even "cleaner" now and it is benefiting my daughter and husband.

spacecase76

it is terrible the way we view ourselves when we are younger...that is one reason I am happy to be in my 30's, and I have gained mucho confidence since I was 18..21...23....

It is sad that (some) men can be so uncomfortable with themselves and so unsure of themselves that they put us down. I am apartment-hunting now to separate from husband #2...he does the same crap. When I was 130 pounds, I was fat. After I gave birth to our daughter, I was fat, and apparently still looked pregnant...he is an *kitten* for all of the name-calling and put-downs he has said to me over the years.

BUT, he screwed up.... *I* have confidence...and while he may have put a dent in it over the last 8 years...I am no shrinking violet...he hasn't broken me. Not by a long shot. Had I been married to him at 20...I don't know that I could have said the same.

((hugs)) to you, and grats on finding your confidence

leavinglasvegas

Wow! I'm coming across so many positive and uplifting posts this morning! The boards are ALIVE with a great energy today!!!!!

I have lived with anorexia for most of my life. I too now look back at old photos and think, "Why did I hate that?" I've come to realize that because I had kind of a rough upbringing, I felt that I didn't fit it anywhere. I felt like a failure in so many ways and shrinking was my way of hiding. Anorexia was my only success... that is until after I had my daughter and developed metabolic problems. I gained so much weight and had now failed at anorexia. That was the bottom of my barrel. I realized that I had a choice, keep digging further and further, not knowing what was next... or I could go back the way I came. I still struggle with my ED, but I have found happiness in my life. I love life and live everyday like a celebration, paying attention to the little things that I used to miss because I was so focused on hating myself for every little mistake and flaw. Now I truely see that all f those little mistakes only led to bigger ones because I CHOSE not to see it the other way around. It was never about my weight, but saying I hate my thighs became my way of saying I have nothing else, this is the only thing I can control. But I was completely out of control...

I had a mentor when my daughtr was born. She said the one thing that woke me up. "If you are on a plane that is going to crash and you only have one oxygen mask, who do you give it to first, you or your baby?" We all said our baby of course! But she looked at us and said, "So if you suffocate and your baby lives, who will take care of your baby?" We all thought about it and got it at the same time. If I'm not well, it doesan't matter what I've done for my child. It has to start with me. I take that with me in everything I do. I'm not a good mother if I'm not totally well, mind, body, and soul. Nor am I a good friend, student, employee, citizen, etc.

Thnak you for this post!!!