Dealing with people's reactions

londoneye

OK, so I have an issue, and I don't know whether I need advice, or just to vent.

Basically people have been noticing my weight loss and I get REALLY uncomfortable when people mention it, and I don't know what to say. (By the way, my friends are not the kind of people who see weight-loss as a default 'good thing' - they'll mention it, but as an observation requiring explanation rather than as a compliment per se).

I was only ever slightly overweight, have always eaten healthy nutritious food, and been physically active. I just had a bit of an issue with portion control! I consider myself to be a feminist and am really against the pressures women face to be super-thin and have the perfect body. And here I am, making a conscious, vanity-driven effort to lose weight, and I'm kind of ashamed of that.

Why am I doing it? In a six month period, I lost my job, had a bad break-up, and my parents got divorced. Basically, my self esteem has taken a dive, and I feel like my weight is the only thing in my life I can control (not that I'm starving myself or anything). So, basically, I feel like a hypocrite, and I know that deep down this weight loss is not coming from a positive place. I also feel ashamed of liking the physical changes that come along with it.

When someone mentions my weight loss, I DEFINITELY don't want them to know it is deliberate. I basically don't want to talk about it at all.

Can anyone relate to this at all?!

chaugberg

Definitely! The other day someone at work said I was getting thinner and asked how much I have lost. I kind of got defensive and rude and just said a lot. I know she was trying to be nice but I didn't want her to know how fat I really was you know? I have very low self esteem when it comes to the way I look and my weight but losing it is the only thing that's making me feel better about myself.

mrb_9110

First off, congratulations on leading a healthy lifestyle! You should be proud of getting in shape and eating right.

If those healthy habits lead to an "attractive" body, then so be it. There is nothing vain about liking the way you look and being comfortable with your body; that's part of a healthy body image.

Now, if you have maybe an ounce of fat on your tummy, so you do a hundred situps and run five miles on the treadmill to get rid of it, that's a little bit vain. You just have to take a step back and evaluate your motives. Ask yourself, "Am I exercising to keep my body healthy and fit, or to look better than that girl on the treadmill next to me?"

As long as you don't take it to extremes, it sounds like your choices are reasonable. If people ask why you're so trim, just tell them you want to live a long and healthy life. No questions about that!

I wish you the best!

Trozendaal

I would just let people know that you are trying to be healthy. There should be no judgement in that. If you are eating healthy nutritious food and being physically active, there is NOTHING wrong with that. And just remember, that you are doing this for YOU. If you are happy with the results, that's great!

naebear99

I think you ought to smile big and say, "thanks for noticing!". Even if you don't want the attention, at least show you are pleased by what you are doing. As long as you aren't reaching worrisome levels of thinness, they'll eventually quit asking you about it, and youll have stood up for your own values - which are another thing you can control. Nothing feels better for the self esteem than deciding to do or not do a thing because you chose it, rather than out of fear of what others might say. People offer good advi e sometimes, but you aren't bound to follow it unless you agree.

MisdemeanorM

No matter how they "mean it" - just smile and say "thank you!" or "thanks for noticing". They will get that you see it as a positive thing, that you think they should be supportive, and that you are not going to go into depth on it - all without doing anything more than responding politely!

elainegsd

I can relate. I started losing my weight after a neighbor poisoned my two dogs and they died. It was a dark period in my life. I made a conscious decision to continue the momentum.

Now, about 18 months later, I'm much more able to deal with the comments when they occur (I've lost 90 pounds and still have about 40 to go). When people would comment, my responses would range from "I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller." to "Thank you." to "Thank you for noticing, I don't want to talk about it." The problem is that people see success and want to know how/why. Explaining that life circumstances made it difficult to eat anything is more information than I wanted to give manyof the people in my life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Figure out how you will respond and practice your response before you get the comment so you can say whatever your response is in a natural way without thinking.

kevanos

Stiving for healthy body is a noble objective. You will feel more empowered in a fit body.

Trying to look like the bilboard toothpick girls is vain. Working towards having a healthy body is a positive action, don`t spin it into something negative.

londoneye

Thanks for the responses.

The thing I want to emphasize is that

1) I was already leading a healthy, active lifestyle

2) therefore, If I say 'thanks!' I'm agreeing that being thinner for the sake of it is an essentially good thing. Which I actually DON'T believe!

benitocereno

I can relate, but you're not allowed to diet to look better and be healthier and then get upset when someone notices... that's part of the point

Remember that most people know how hard it is and they say something because they respect and are proud of you. It's something you should be proud of, not ashamed of. You may lead a healthy lifestyle (I did when I started too), but that doesn't mean there isn't room to improve yourself.

And, as you can probably tell by looking at pictures on these forums, the "last ten" make a huge difference with your overall appearance, which is probably why you're getting compliments. This statement isn't meant to detract from the amount of effort individuals with a lot to lose put in, but the lower your body-fat, the more noticeable each percentage point change becomes (really, it's almost exponential). Look at the change from 35% body-fat to 15% body-fat. Then look at 15% to ~10%. That's when things go from "average" to "athlete!"

Here's a reference for that phenomenon:

http://www.naturalphysiques.com/cms/index.php?itemid=144

Anyway, I understand how you feel OP, but I think you should just embrace it and take the compliment for what it is. And by the way... congrats on the compliments

cris12

I can somewhat relate on one thing. If you're stressed about what has been happening recently, diet/exercise can definitely help keep your mind off of things, or at least that's what has been helping me lately. Having something to distract me during the day is great, and if it's helping me get healthier/fitter then it's even better. Like you, I don't have that much fat to lose, but I simply just want to look better (not toothpick skinny). Call it vain or not I just want to feel good. Whenever someone asks if I've lost weight I just go ''really? I didn't think so'' because I almost see it as an insult, implying I used to be fat when I actually wasn't.

Don't let these situations frustrate you, in the end you're doing this for yourself and not them.

londoneye

Whenever someone asks if I've lost weight I just go ''really? I didn't think so'' because I almost see it as an insult, implying I used to be fat when I actually wasn't.

Don't let these situations frustrate you, in the end you're doing this for yourself and not them.

This! I mean, I hate that people consider the fact I've lost a few pounds worth mentioning. I mean, it's kind of my 'project' at the moment, but I don't spend time thinking about anyone elses weight, so I find it really hard to comprehend their interest.

sock_17

"I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller."

Best quote ever!!

londoneye

I can relate, but you're not allowed to diet to look better and be healthier and then get upset when someone notices... that's part of the point

Thanks for the support. But the thing is, I didn't diet to look better or get healthier. I was already pretty healthy and had a good body image. I did it because I felt my life was going crazy and it was the one thing I could control. When people bring up the weight loss, it just reminds me of all the things that triggered it...

londoneye

"I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller."

Best quote ever!!

This is what I need! Witty comebacks! I love it

JennsLosing

hmm now i wonder if i offended my cousin at xmas time...she had gastric bypass and when i saw her and how great she looked i think i may of gotten a little overly excited. i didnt ask her how much she lost or anything i just gave her a great big hug and told her how good she looked.

freerange

Really? Come on you know the truth, you just have to admit it. The truth is when someone says "you have lost wieght", you hear "you used to be fatter".

anubis609

My family and others who knew me when I was obese, look at me now and tell me that I don't need to lose any more weight or keep exercising because I have this tendency to do things in extremes. I tell them I'm not trying to lose "weight," but that I'm going for fat loss. They give me all this blah blah blah about how it's okay to have a little bit of fat on the body and that I'm overdoing it. No. I'm not. I would tell them to stop offering me their food because I'm not going to eat it and I really don't have feelings if they take offense to it. I'm still diabetic, even if my blood sugar is maintaining at normal levels... and it's maintaining because I'm eating what *I* eat. I ended up with diabetes because of what *THEY* are eating.

JennsLosing

I can relate. I started losing my weight after a neighbor poisoned my two dogs and they died. It was a dark period in my life. I made a conscious decision to continue the momentum.

Now, about 18 months later, I'm much more able to deal with the comments when they occur (I've lost 90 pounds and still have about 40 to go). When people would comment, my responses would range from "I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller." to "Thank you." to "Thank you for noticing, I don't want to talk about it." The problem is that people see success and want to know how/why. Explaining that life circumstances made it difficult to eat anything is more information than I wanted to give manyof the people in my life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Figure out how you will respond and practice your response before you get the comment so you can say whatever your response is in a natural way without thinking.

jerks...somebody attempted to poison my cat that i had to put outside because my infant daughter is allergic. the dummies put bleach in her food and water, and after a day i noticed she hadnt touched her food and noticed it looked wet..then when i dumped it i smelled the bleach...then i smelled the water and it smelled the same...some people are no good.

MisdemeanorM

I can relate, but you're not allowed to diet to look better and be healthier and then get upset when someone notices... that's part of the point

Thanks for the support. But the thing is, I didn't diet to look better or get healthier. I was already pretty healthy and had a good body image. I did it because I felt my life was going crazy and it was the one thing I could control. When people bring up the weight loss, it just reminds me of all the things that triggered it...

At a healthy weight and even a healthy calorie intake level or not - that is a symptom of an eating disorder ("one thing you can control"). You should probably have someone to talk to this about - maybe you have a more supportive friend or family member or if you are in university a counselor? Especially if someone mentioning it triggers bad memories or feelings, etc. You don't dye your hair, buy a new shirt, or get a piercing and think no one will mention it. Same thing sort of.

londoneye

Really? Come on you know the truth, you just have to admit it. The truth is when someone says "you have lost wieght", you hear "you used to be fatter".

I don't get your point. I know I used to be fatter!

I don't take these comments as insults or compliments (and they are usually given in a neutral, 'have you lost weight?' kind of way), but I hate feeling like my body is public property, and I hate obsessing over my size in the way I do now and have never done before.

MakingAChoice

Whenever someone asks if I've lost weight I just go ''really? I didn't think so'' because I almost see it as an insult, implying I used to be fat when I actually wasn't.

Don't let these situations frustrate you, in the end you're doing this for yourself and not them.

This! I mean, I hate that people consider the fact I've lost a few pounds worth mentioning. I mean, it's kind of my 'project' at the moment, but I don't spend time thinking about anyone elses weight, so I find it really hard to comprehend their interest.

Odds are the reason people are interested is because they wish they could do it too. You don't have to be comfortable talking about it. Maybe you should talk about it though, it might help someone else learn how to live the healthy lifestyle that you know so well. You can shrug it off and say 'oh I didn't really notice', but they know you are lying. Looking good for yourself is not about the skinny girl syndrome. It is about being happy with who you are or have become. Until you learn to love yourself nothing else will matter.

Lexie71

"I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller."

Best quote ever!!

This is what I need! Witty comebacks! I love it

I like "Are you losing weight?"
"No...how big did you think I was?"
They don't ask again.....

londoneye

I can relate, but you're not allowed to diet to look better and be healthier and then get upset when someone notices... that's part of the point

Thanks for the support. But the thing is, I didn't diet to look better or get healthier. I was already pretty healthy and had a good body image. I did it because I felt my life was going crazy and it was the one thing I could control. When people bring up the weight loss, it just reminds me of all the things that triggered it...

At a healthy weight and even a healthy calorie intake level or not - that is a symptom of an eating disorder ("one thing you can control"). You should probably have someone to talk to this about - maybe you have a more supportive friend or family member or if you are in university a counselor? Especially if someone mentioning it triggers bad memories or feelings, etc. You don't dye your hair, buy a new shirt, or get a piercing and think no one will mention it. Same thing sort of.

Yeah, that has occurred to me, which is kind of why I bought it up here... I know something is not right, even though I'm physically getting enough nutrition etc. I'm just hoping that as the other things in my life improve I'll be able to let go a bit...

Juliane_

People will always have an opinion but ultimately it is your opinion that matters the most. How you feel and what you think about yourself. There is something about being one's own best friend.

Yesterday someone noticed that I must be losing weight. She asked if I was "dieting". I dislike this word. It's sorta negative in my view because I know when people say "diet" they think you are depriving yourself. So I responded to the lady saying that I was exercising which is true.

AngieBoulet

Very well said. I totally agree.

pammbroo

You don't have to explain anything you don't want to explain. A dear friend gave me some sound advice for situations such as these...just say Thank You.

benitocereno

Yeah, that has occurred to me, which is kind of why I bought it up here... I know something is not right, even though I'm physically getting enough nutrition etc. I'm just hoping that as the other things in my life improve I'll be able to let go a bit...

Your problem is likely related to your stress and possibly depression, a councilor or some sort of friendly ear may not be a bad thing. It's entirely possibly that you're projecting hurt onto the people who are complimenting you.

That said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to get more fit or change your appearance (even at a 'healthy' weight: see "skinny fat"), but combined with the other stuff you described it may not be a bad idea to have some sort of short counseling session to see if you could use more... it can't hurt at least . Don't stress yourself out and don't sweat the small stuff, it sounds like you've had a hard enough year without it.

amandakay23

I can totally relate to the part where people comment, sounding as if it is an observation rather than a compliment, mind you, I am at the highest end of my healthy wieght range, but I am hearing a lot of "your so skinny!" (nose wrinkles) What does that mean?? ...I am trying to be healthy and trust me, you've never seen me naked, I am not so skinny! I am a size 10 for crying out loud! Hang in there, know this is for you and your health, just because some bad happenings have caused you to want to be healthy, it is not a bad thing, eating healthy and excersising in a great mood booster, keep it up! :flowerforyou:

tata_rio

I think in the society we live now, losing weight usually means that you are trying and that you are expecting compliments about it. Most people find weight loss to be very hard, as well as eat healthy, so they probably want to find out how you are doing it.

From what I've read, I think the issue is making peace with all that happened in those 6 months. It's a lot for such short amount of time and it's ok to be upset about each one of these things. Losing a job could mean losing current lifestyle, sacrificing choices, struggling financially to make ends meet... Parents divorce shakes the view of the perfect family most people desire and what one wants in their own life. My parents have been divorced since I was 2, so it was a bit easier for me in some ways, but in other ways, it did complicate things too... And, the break-up. It's never fun to spend so much time dedicating yourself to a relationship when, at the end of the day, it doesn't work out. Let yourself be upset and process these things truly...

And when someone comments on your weight loss, just think that by saying thanks, you are really thanking them for wanting to recognize something on you that they think it's an accomplishment. They are complimenting you on being healthy, eating well, taking care of your body. Then change the subject and compliment them back on something else! I don't think any of them would say anything if they knew it was hurtful to you.

Good luck!

Rjperron

What is it with women that we feel like we can comment on anyone's weight, good or bad? I'm a little uncomfortable with these comments too, because even when they're positive, you wonder where they're coming from. I just say thanks and move on. It's your journey, your life, and honestly no one else's business.

As for wanting to lose a little weight, don't feel like a hypocrite. The problem with women loosing weight is doing it for some one else or taking it to an extreme. Sounds like you're just taking a little pride in your body and letting it reach its true potential by eating right and working out....and that's something that all women should take pride in.