pre-midlife crisis

Liatush

I am afraid I will end up turning to food (although I keep reminding myself its not such a good listener), so instead, I turn to you, my dear MFP friends because... well, because 1. I can be straight with you 2. because you all are so supportive and 3. I will lose my mind if I don't...

So here goes:

My firm (law firm in NYC) has made serious cuts to benefits and pay which has caused me to repeatedly hit my PANIC botton (I think I finally broke it). This has caused serious burnout at work as I just don't feel like doing much anymore. I like being busy and proving myself until I get to the point where I feel like it doesnt matter and then I stop trying. Not good. So now I am at the point where I have to talk myself out of bed every single morning. For 30 minutes. Every day!

This lead to me fixing up my resume and starting to look for a new job. Except that I can't leave right now. I have to have double knee surgeries in a few weeks so I better stay put! Can't start a new job and 2 weeks later go on disability. If I go on disability, however, my bonus will shrink from not having worked a full 12 months which will cause more resentment toward my firm. Ugh. The benefit to this whole medical situation is that I won't have to talk myself out of bed for a few weeks... lol (this whole medical issue is also why I can't work out like I used to, gained weight in the first place, and seems to have stalled my weight loss for a couple of weeks now).

So I start thinking about making a whole big change and moving to a place where the sun don't stop shining (FL, CA, TX?). I even began submitting my resumes to firms out there, except they keep thinking its an error since I already live in the great NYC. Now I get to the point where I start thinking maybe I should switch careers altogether? Go from working as a paralegal in NYC to a [fill in the blank] in [fill in the blank]... lol

Mind you, I have a 9 year old that needs mommy to be content and happy. And I'm not. I am doubting everything I ever did or didn't do in what appears to be a pre-midlife crisis.

Add to this that there's this guy I am longing after who would be so perfect for me (and my son), but because of my weight, I am too afraid to say anything to him so I keep putting this possible relationship on hold and just hang out with him as "friends".

I would love to hear from you with any suggestions you can make about any of the things I have listed here... (I know, there are so many, where do you even start?)

laddyboy

Let's see. I would check my priorities 1st. Then the rest should take care of themselves.

1. God 1st
2. Family
3. Everything else.

So you see...what I'm saying is it's a job. We spend 25-35% of our day there I know but it's a job. Your God and Son should be more important. (I know it is), but what I'm saying is don't get so down about it. Thank the God Lord for what you do have that lots of other people don't have.

As far as the guy. He'll either like you for you or it's his loss.

karensoxfan

I don't know what career advice to give, but if your weight is holding you back from letting the guy know you're interested, I'd try to get over that and let him know anyway. The worst that can happen is he won't be interested, and if it's b/c of your weight, then he's probably not worthy of you anyway. At best, he won't care about your weight, and you could end up in a long, happy relationship.

merrillfoster

Go for the guy. Nobody ever got anywhere saying they'd do it tomorrow. Besides, wouldn't you rather know now than waste more time wondering?

championnfl

To live by!
No risk no reward.
No pain no gain.
Whats the worse thing that can happen when you take a chance?
Go for it.
Life is to short not to do what you want no matter the negative impact.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining.[100%]
Always darkest before the dawn.
Every difficult decision is 99% mental & 1% actual doing it!
Finally, how is your child going to remember her Mommy? By your work or time spent with you??

jmcniel

I would have to agree with Karen when it comes to the guy, just go for it.


When it comes to your career, it is a tough situation, and from what it seems Law is starting to dip off. I read an article about 2 months ago about a guy that went to Law School and currently lives in NYC, but he can't get a job; he has now defaulted on his $175,000+ student loans.

Moving across the country is a big step if you decide that, just know that is going to be rough at first and will take time to level out.

spackham

I agree, start making your move and find out if all he wants is to be friends or more. Go slow so if he think of you just as a friend (nothing to do with your weight) you can keep your friendship going.

munchkinbabe

Awesome Answer to put God first. I totally agree!

Painten

You need to really look at what you want with your career before even thinking about this bloke. If your thinking of leaving nyc then starting a realtionship with a new bloke wont be good for you or your child.

Maybe a pro's and con's list, see which is bigger? tbh though from what you've said it might be best to hang in there till you've had your surgeries.

LizzyH2009

I agree with comments. However, Dont even try to think about turning to food for comfort. turn to you friends are even bestest thing you can think of! dont worry about the jobs. I am unemployed for a while and I have BA degree. time are tough and i am try to do my best to not even think about turn to food. I jsut want to try do my best as i can by keep myself busy.

You have young son to take care and stck to your job as long as you can. Live without medical is tough I dont have insurance myself, I just make do without it by take care of my health first by just lose weight and try do my own physical thepary. you should be glad for job, roof over your son's head and yourself, and man that possible love you for who you are. Ask him if He really dont care about what you look like and support you in your journey then He is one for you. He should be not caring about how you looking ever. he shoudl looking at your personablity.

Dont give up on yourself ever! Turn to mfo friends for supports even best of all , talk to your man he would be probably best support you ever have. Take care of yourself and your son. Keep think positive and dont let negative pull you back.

pkgirrl

Well, girly, it sounds to me like you already have a lot going for you!

I feel your pain about the knees, I lived with my aunt last summer who's had very similar struggles. She's diabetic, and at least 300lbs. To top it iff she has scoliosis and arthritis in her knees so bad she can barely walk, but the doctor's won't replace them till she loses weight. (Good ol' Canada). It broke my heart to watch her try to diet the weight away, only to give up every couple weeks or so because she still could barely move, and it really, really took a toll on her self esteem and mental well being. So I can see why you'd be pretty down right about now. Throw in a crapola job and it's pretty easy to get depressed.

It sounds like this firm isn't doing much for you. I'd say stick it out so they can at least fix your knees, and then keep pushing for change. It sounds like you've already got some ideas as to places you'd rather be, so keep pushing for them! You already have the training and experience, and you're clearly self driven, I don't see why any employer wouldn't want to take you in.

As for the boy, if he keeps hanging out with you, even just as friends, he obviously likes your personality. Looks fade. And frankly, from your picture, you don't look that heavy to me. Certainly not anywhere near the realm of "too much" lady curves. I see hefty gals with hot guys all the time at work, so it's pretty obvious that the boys dig their confidence. Being thin won't make you happy, it just sometimes feels like life would be easier if we were. Don't let your self-perceived imperfections hold you back. If you think this guy would make you happy, you need to go after it. If it doesn't work out, there's somebody better for you.

Just stay strong, and live your life. Be happy for the beautiful child and education you do have, and do what you have to to get the rest. We're all here for you, and I bet your little boy thinks you're pretty amazing too

shreddingit

all i see is pure whining and excuses:sad: ...you know theres other ppl that have it far worse that dont have such a lovely job or choices like you and still make the best of every day and dont turn to food:noway: .....you have it good.....you need a reality check
and you can lose weight with out exercise...losing weight is about nutrition, exercise is there to shape you.
sorry I just had to be honest...:grumble:

nashkim

Let me start with saying - great job so far on working toward your goals! There are some great comments here already. I commend you for having a good career, benefits and raising your son. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself, would be my advice. Focus on your health - sticking it out where you are and getting the surgery you need. It never hurts to keep abreast of any career opportunities there may be. Keep in mind it is very tough out there right now. I work for a large corporation and the atmosphere is very often frustrating, but I have many colleagues and friends who found themselves out of work and despite their best efforts and excellent credentials they remain unemployed and it is very tough. So, try to stick it out if you can. Living in the Northeast, I know this time of year is particularly difficult, what with the crappy weather, and all. That will soon change and will help lift your spirits.

About the guy...well it's easy for me to say this, I am 49 years old and past the years when I was alone raising my sons and trying to make it on my own. But I have never forgotten what that was like. I well remember how much I longed for that perfect guy to be a partner to me and to be there for my boys. Having that partner has its benefits AND its drawbacks, so, try to enjoy what you do have right now. If you have feelings you wish to express, go ahead and do so. Don't let fear hold you back. If you find out he feels the same, then great, if not, it's much better to know that so you don't waste your time.

As for turning to food - you already know it isn't the answer - so glad you came here for support and keep doing that and whatever it takes to refrain from relying on food for comfort.

Obviously you have a lot going for you - you are strong, intelligent and beautiful and you are blessed with a son who most likely considers you to be his world. A man would be very lucky should you choose to share all of that with him. Remember how special you are.

I wish you the best!

--Kim

maeadair

all i see is pure whining and excuses:sad: ...you know theres other ppl that have it far worse that dont have such a lovely job or choices like you and still make the best of every day and dont turn to food:noway: .....you have it good.....you need a reality check
and you can lose weight with out exercise...losing weight is about nutrition, exercise is there to shape you.
sorry I just had to be honest...:grumble:

Unless you know this person in "the real world" outside MFP and know that she needs you to kick her butt, this is uncalled for. People come here for support not criticism.

Painten

all i see is pure whining and excuses:sad: ...you know theres other ppl that have it far worse that dont have such a lovely job or choices like you and still make the best of every day and dont turn to food:noway: .....you have it good.....you need a reality check
and you can lose weight with out exercise...losing weight is about nutrition, exercise is there to shape you.
sorry I just had to be honest...:grumble:

That was uncalled for. If you don't like the thread or what she is saying then jog on.

maeadair

Let me start with saying - great job so far on working toward your goals! There are some great comments here already. I commend you for having a good career, benefits and raising your son. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself, would be my advice. Focus on your health - sticking it out where you are and getting the surgery you need. It never hurts to keep abreast of any career opportunities there may be. Keep in mind it is very tough out there right now. I work for a large corporation and the atmosphere is very often frustrating, but I have many colleagues and friends who found themselves out of work and despite their best efforts and excellent credentials they remain unemployed and it is very tough. So, try to stick it out if you can. Living in the Northeast, I know this time of year is particularly difficult, what with the crappy weather, and all. That will soon change and will help lift your spirits.

About the guy...well it's easy for me to say this, I am 49 years old and past the years when I was alone raising my sons and trying to make it on my own. But I have never forgotten what that was like. I well remember how much I longed for that perfect guy to be a partner to me and to be there for my boys. Having that partner has its benefits AND its drawbacks, so, try to enjoy what you do have right now. If you have feelings you wish to express, go ahead and do so. Don't let fear hold you back. If you find out he feels the same, then great, if not, it's much better to know that so you don't waste your time.

As for turning to food - you already know it isn't the answer - so glad you came here for support and keep doing that and whatever it takes to refrain from relying on food for comfort.

Obviously you have a lot going for you - you are strong, intelligent and beautiful and you are blessed with a son who most likely considers you to be his world. A man would be very lucky should you choose to share all of that with him. Remember how special you are.

I wish you the best!

--Kim

Kim has hit every point on target. I could not express it any better. Unfortunately the work world is in a turmoil most places these days with many places cutting benefits. Try to stay and get your knees repaired and get 1 1/2-2 yrs under your belt for experience which looks better on your resume.
We are here for you and I know you will be there for your child. BTW have you thought about a natural light that aides with seasonal affective disorder ( living in NYC, you may have some issue here without realizing it.)

proverbs31chick

I have to agree with the comment above, without God being a priority in our lives nothing else really matters. Not sure what your beliefs are, however, since you posted the question I am telling you what works for me. There are so many troubles and worries in this world and being a mom it seems overwhelming at times. The only thing that brings me comfort is the Lord, try HIM.

kitchentales

I'm sorry to hear about all that is going on in your life right now! It will get better, and in the meantime, some suggestions:
1) Put together a recipe binder of food that isn't bad for you, but is super yummy. Like low-fat brownies and cakes, comfort food, but healthy stuff. And whenever you feel like turning to food for some comfort, grab the binder. That way you're not miserable, and you can eat something that is yummy and good for you as well.
2) Try to stick with the job until you've recovered from surgery. No where will hire you knowing you're off in a few weeks because of knee surgery. If you're miserable at work after you've returned from surgery (and time off), apply at other places in NYC. If you hate NYC, decide if you can move. But you have to look at how much it will disrupt your son's life as well as your own.
3) If you decide to stay in NYC, or if this guy is totally worth it, speak up! The worst thing that can happen is rejection, and by not talking to him and asking him on a date, you're rejecting yourself. You're projecting your own rejection of yourself onto him - maybe he's really into you! If you don't ask, people can't say yes.

Hopefully that helps! And just remember - we're all here for you! xoxo

Liatush

Thanks for the support, all... All of ur words have made a lot of sense to me and I'm going to seriously consider following your advice.. It's a new day and a new reason to smile and keep trying to figure out this thing called life lol