Past binge eater, moving positively forward

amyleader101316

Hi every one, I feel kinda of daft posting this as I have never done anything like this before, but I hope there maybe others in a similar situation and we may be able to support each other. I think if I'm honest I have probably, like many have had an unhealthy relationship with food since about 13 . I went from a lanky kid to being 6inches taller and 'a woman' in the space of 12months with puppy fat for good measure. I was at bording school at the time so I began skipping meals to try and slim down I became obsessed with what I was eating and my parents became very concerned.

As a late teen/twenties I stopped caring so much I had a long term boyfrien/husban and ate alot of junk but we were young enough to get away with it to an extent. I had my daughter at 22 and piled 3 stone on. I went immediately to weight watchers after she was born and got rid of it all and some within 3months. Unfortunately I find that the weight watchers programme is inevitably short lived as there primary focus is getting you to loose weight any way possible and not necessarily the most healthiest way. So the weight sstarted to slip back on as I started to resist the unrealistic and unhealthy 'rules' that were being imposed. I reluctuantly went back after having my son and got back to a weight that I was happy with. I was able to maintian this weight for over a year and worked hard to recognise that this was about slowing down when eating and not having to clean a plate if I know I am full.

I split up from my childrens father about 18months after my second child and that's when my problems began. I went back to work full time so we could stay where we were and so I could build a career in the degree I had begun to part time study at uni. But the stress of leaving my children in childcare, working, studying and living on my own for the first time ever took its toll. I have always believed myself to be a 'big' girl which I am now starting to realise is a self forfilling prophecy. Before my mum passed I saw her struggle with her weight going on diet after diet and failing and had mentally resigned myself to the same struggle. I found that my vice for coping with the stress I was under was to eat as I was at home on my own in the evenings with the kids asleep in bed. As a result I would then feel like crap the next day and barely eating and beating myself up for being such an idiot. This got to the point where I was doing it every night. I wasn't eating anything unhealthy but just vast amounts that made me feel pretty disgusted with myself.

That was four years ago, last year I was fortunate enough to get couselling for my eating disorder where I began to realise that I can forgive myself for the guilt I feel and recognise more positive ways of dealing with stress I am glad to say that I hardly ever binge eat now, but if I do at least I am more forgiving on myself as well and quicker to get back to on track.

My fitness plan has enable me to loose that bit of weight that I put on from binging, but more importantly it enables me to be able to recognise that for the most part I have a very healthy relationship with food. It also gives me the opportunity to vent my frustrations when I do slip. I am now finally starting to realise that I do not have to resign myseif to a life of battling with food.

It would be great to hear from others who have been in similar situations and learning the different mechanisms you have learnt to cope with it.

findingabetterme

((HUGS)) you can do it and you deserve it!

AnneGenevieveS

you're not alone. I relate to a lot that you have posted. Gained weight with my children, then went to weight watchers to lose it, but couldn't live on weight watchers for the rest of my life. Started gaining again. I turn to food when I am sad or bored, I feel regret, then I starve myself... when the hunger gets unbearable, then binge and binge, adding up to way more calories than my starvation can burn. I'm working on it too. I feel like I can never succeed, but I'm hoping to change that.
Trying to give my body a slow steady supply of fuel (food) to beat the hunger and prevent the regret of binging.
I used to work out a lot, then stopped for like past 6 months. I just joined this site yesterday, and I'm trying to get back in to the routine of exercise.

gvarner

I had a similar experience in that somewhere around 13, I dieted for the first time. I was never the tiny petitte girl like a lot of my friends. I was 5'7 and I felt "fat". My parents worked a lot and I ended up being a built in babysitter so I turned to food and found solace in eating junk food to deal with the stress of being a "mother" at 15. Like you, I was able to keep extra weight off because I was young and active. Now that I look back at pictures at that age, I realize I wasn't fat, I just wasn't tiny and skinny. I too went to Weight Watchers the first time in my mid 20's, again thinking I was fat and lost 20 pounds that I couldn't maintain plus, my main thought was to get this diet over with so I could eat what I wanted. Not the right mind set.

I just turned 60 in January and somewhere in living life up to now, I came to the realization that my eating junk food from time to time had turned in to a full blown binge eating disorder. I've been working on this for a few years learning to let go of trying to be perfect and having to get everything done right now. It is definitely an adventure. My new motto is, Progression, not Perfection. I'm not "there" yet but I refuse to give up. I started working out at a gym about three months ago which helps a lot with the stress I put on myself. One day at a time, one step at a time!

jrlenig

I am actually a lifer, and still deal with binge eating. I love MFP it puts it right in my face and has definitely helped me get in under control ( with only the occasional binge!) Thanks for having courage to share your story I have only admitted privately to one other member that I have an eating disorder ( until now, and now the whole world knows...hahaha, probably about time). I only recently understood that putting down a bag of chips, a container of ice cream, several sandwiches, a bag of carrots, and whatever was not tied down...was not normal, and I almost always did it by myself. When I met my hubby I never ate around him, we would go out and I would barely touch my meal, he would say it was a waste of money. What he didn't know was the thought of anyone in public seeing what I would do in private made me sick to my stomach. I did however ( after 14 years of being together) get comfortable enough that he might see evidence of my binge... MFP has been so great i no longer feel alone or out of control, and I know when I eat like that there are really serious consequences. 51 pounds down and happier and healthier because of MFP!

LazyMogg

Hi Amy and thanks for sharing your story.

When I think about it I've had a bad relationship with food for most of my life - I guess most of us here have for one reason or another. Thing is, it's not like drugs, smoking or alcohol is it? We can do without those things but we can't do without food. It's difficult to avoid temptation all the time but I do make healthy choices for the most part. I remember being told at 17 and 5' 6" that 10st 7lbs meant I was fat. That was what kick started my problems I think and the constant struggle to stay thin. Now I'd be happy to be anywhere near that weight again.

I've got a fairly sedentary job but try to make sure I get up and walk about as much as possible. I never leave my mail or copying to pile up, for instance, but always tend to it straightaway - to make sure I move whenever I can.

I've been down the binge eating road too and it's a hard road to get off of. I'm not sure we ever do get off it really but just become more aware of where we're at. Something I've learned is that this behaviour can be a means of avoiding doing something else - usually something I should be doing but don't want to start. Stress also plays a part for me too. I started telling myself that if I finished this job or that task I could stop and have a break or I'd pause and do some breathing exercises. Stress is part of the job but I try to find ways to cope with it, like making sure I go out during my lunch break, after I've eaten.

Developing a healthy relationship with food is taking me some time but I'm working on that. I try to ask myself if I'm really hungry or just bored or doing the above. Sometimes I can talk myself out of the nibbles attack and sometimes I'm overcome but I try not to feel a failure if that happens - I'm just human after all. I also get too focussed on my weight, so I try not to get on the scales too much and I find attending slimming clubs too stressful because of the fear of failure. Too many times I've gone to weigh in and found my anxiety levels rise so much that I don't bother going in - how silly is that? That's one of the reasons that I'm here because I can do it at my own pace and get some support along the way without having to face someone and explain why I didn't lose or worse!

It's a struggle isn't it? I can fully sympathise with anyone trying to make changes but I remember Boots' Chemist campaign to change one thing and I've kind of adopted that and it seems to work - although I'm not perfect and do falter.

I enjoyed your story and hope we see some more from others on here.

Good luck!