I Just Need to Vent

DarkAngel864

This isn't really weight related...just life in general.

I dated a guy a while ago for over a year...he cheated.

Dated the guy who I moved across the country for (my older friends know this story) for a year...he cheated, lied, the whole works.

I met someone around December time and though we weren't serious or exclusive yet, it felt it was going there and all of a sudden HE popped up on Plenty of Fish.com and OKCupid.com

Lastly, I just met someone and after 4 weeks of talking on the phone, chatting, texting and emailing, we finally decide to meet for coffee. I am literally walking out the door when I get a text from him to check my facebook. To my surprise, it was a friend request from him. I accepted, looked at his page and see he is in a relationship and has a NEWBORN!!

What is happening? How am I missing the good ones and getting all these mean, manipulative people? I know people probably think it is sex-driven, but the last two there was no sex involved at all. Hell, the last guy I hadn't even met yet! I'm just getting terribly discouraged and feeling like it is something personal about me. I just need some encouraging words before I swear off dating all together :brokenheart:

tammyquinnlmt

Maybe you should just look around you and re discover the men in your life now. The one might be really close to you and you just haven't recognized it. Not all men are cheaters and users. There are a lot of good ones. You just have to figure out what qualities are important to you. Trust me on this...13 1/2 years ago I married the "boy" I dated in jr high, and I broke up with him because he went around telling people he was going to marry me one day and I was just not that into him! LOL. Hang in there chica

RoadDog

Not all men are pigs. Don't swear off dating. No need to go on-line or hit singles bars. Or actively look at all. Just go about your life doing the things you enjoy doing. When you finally meet someone, chances are you will be doing something you both already have in common.

Does that make sense? I probably shouldn't be giving advice anyway. Haven't been on a first date in over 20 years. Never had much success with men either.

RoadDog

Maybe you should just look around you and re discover the men in your life now. The one might be really close to you and you just haven't recognized it. Not all men are cheaters and users. There are a lot of good ones. You just have to figure out what qualities are important to you. Trust me on this...13 1/2 years ago I married the "boy" I dated in jr high, and I broke up with him because he went around telling people he was going to marry me one day and I was just not that into him! LOL. Hang in there chica

Yep. What she said. There's probably a guy right now in your life that wishes you would quit dating losers and notice him.

SoldierDad

This isn't really weight related...just life in general.

I dated a guy a while ago for over a year...he cheated.

Dated the guy who I moved across the country for (my older friends know this story) for a year...he cheated, lied, the whole works.

I met someone around December time and though we weren't serious or exclusive yet, it felt it was going there and all of a sudden HE popped up on Plenty of Fish.com and OKCupid.com

Lastly, I just met someone and after 4 weeks of talking on the phone, chatting, texting and emailing, we finally decide to meet for coffee. I am literally walking out the door when I get a text from him to check my facebook. To my surprise, it was a friend request from him. I accepted, looked at his page and see he is in a relationship and has a NEWBORN!!

What is happening? How am I missing the good ones and getting all these mean, manipulative people? I know people probably think it is sex-driven, but the last two there was no sex involved at all. Hell, the last guy I hadn't even met yet! I'm just getting terribly discouraged and feeling like it is something personal about me. I just need some encouraging words before I swear off dating all together :brokenheart:

I know how you feel. My relationships all seem to end kind of sucky lately to. Hang in there babe. I am always told there is someone for everyone... Guess we will find out.

artistnan

Maybe you need to change focus off of men and put your life in its place. Get out and do the things you want to do. Go to places that are good for you. Take care of yourself. This way, the signals you put out are not predatory...they are healthy, self satisfying and confident. I'm just sayin'...looking doesn't work. LIVING does!

SueGeer

Sorry you've had such bad luck :brokenheart: There are some good guys out there - hopefully you'll meet one when you're least expecting it

Sue x

catcrazy

I agree with Tammy, don't date for a while and look around at those already close to you. Mr right may not be among them but you will develop your friendships and while doing that who knows what might happen...love has a habit of biting you on the bum when youre least expecting.

As for the previous jerks forget them, they were in your life for a reason and although it might not be apparent now it will be in years to come, often its just to highlight the good ones when they turn up...you will appreciate them more because of the past jerks

FearAnLoathing

I had to date ALOT of losers before I found a great man,they are out there

dian1227

Are you sure you are not living my life?

Listen, I had to take a break from dating and such for a couple of years. Its hard to be on your own, without the bonding and affection that comes in a romantic relationship. But during those couple of years I found out some things about myself. I knew the cheating was going on, could feel it in my core...but just could not admit to myself that someone I had trusted and loved could hurt me so badly. For some, lies and deception are a way of life for them. I had to wait until I was ready to get involved again, but be strong enough not to take the crap, even if it meant walking away.

I got there...met a great guy who is my greatest supporter. But I don't have a pie in the sky view of him either. If he messes up, or hurts me, I will take of myself and do whats right for me.

Take a breath, get involved with some local groups/charities/volunteer...whatever can make you get out and meet new people instead of dating. I promise it will help...and oh...please dump the internet dating sites if you use them. It is way to easy for people to lie to you when you have never met them. The chats and email go on, you expect something according to what they have told you and then you get something else. That does not help.

Blessings and love to you,

Diane

EdAmundson

Good news! You didn't end up married to one of those men. Dating is a natural process of illimination. It beats the "arranged" marriages of the early 20th century. However, I have found the type of fish I catch depends first and foremost on where I fish. The internet is such a risque place to cast out your heart. Bars... well you get what you get. I suggest you turn upward, inward and then outward. If you are not already part of a local church. Check one out. It is not absolutely full proof because there are still "jerks" in church. But there are a whole lot less and many of the guys you find there believe things like: treat others the way you yourself want to be treated. Also, "for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife and they two shall become one flesh." "What God has joined together, let no one separate." "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her." These are the type of "others first" guys you are looking for. I will pray you find someone who really sees the treasure in your heart and reveals to you the treasure in his. It is a beautiful thing! Blessings!

sunshine79

Stop looking. The best relationships happen when you're not looking or 'dating' give yourself a break. God has a n amazing way of blessing you hen you least expect it.

Spend some time concentrating on you, surround yourself with friends and family and occupy yourself with things you enjoy it will do you the world of good.

Rachel_Leigh84

The key is to stop looking. As soon as you stop looking you will wake up one day and he will be right in front of you. I was single for 3 years and desperatley wanted somebody to love but without luck. I finally stopped looking and then on a night out I met the love of my life and i wasnt even looking!!

Hemis_mom

Hang in there I was single for two years (after being in multiple bad/unhealthy relationships) before I met my husband. He is the love of my life and a GREAT guy!! It sort of helped being single and focusing on me for a period of time!! Good luck and remember not all guys are bad!!

Rachel_Leigh84

Ha Sunshine we just put the same thing at the same time-JINX!

JoyousRen

:frown: Oh, sis! I'm sorry you've had such bad luck. I have no advice. I'm happily single and plan to be that way a while. All I have is sympathy and the thought that I adore you. I'm glad you came back and I'm glad your my name sister. :smooched:

mikeyrp

Hmmm - tricky one...

OK, heres the thing - I know not all guys are jerks, because I'm a guy and I've never cheated on anyone. I've been with my wife for 11 years and I had - well - not lots of girl friends but enough so I would have had plenty of opportunities to cheat if I had wanted to.

That said - relationships are not simple - ever. You will always hit points in your relationships where you find things difficult - for example I travel a lot with work and at one point we found that a big strain on our relationship and had to make changes. Furthermore - as we get older we all pick up more baggage - everyone will have a past and everyone will be defensive before making themselves open to a new, committed relationship.

So - you have a few options:

1) Go look for the perfect guy - you never know - you might get lucky
2) Quit guys
3) Quit relationships
4) Stop being so hard on yourself and the guys you meet - Make 'Not ready to commit' an OK thing for a period of time after you meet someone - and that means that you and he are BOTH free to meet other people, go on dates etc. If you are right for each other then - trust me - the other dates just seem like a waste of time. If not - well, you've avoided a relationship that wouldnt have worked out anyway.

... I'm leaning to option 4.

DarkAngel864

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the feedback. Guess I just needed to hear what I should do and stop worrying and overanalyzing that it is something I DID.

mikeyrp

I don't want to get drawn into a religious debate here, but speaking as a committed atheist (and humanist) I can assure you that there are plenty of good non-religious types out there too.

mikeyrp

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the feedback. Guess I just needed to hear what I should do and stop worrying and overanalyzing that it is something I DID.

In what world could any of that have been your fault???? *Hugs*

BigBoneSista

Well I was told growing up is that if you keep finding yourself in the same situations then you have to realize that the common element is you. We attract who we attract and right now in this season of your life you are attracting dirt bags. Maybe you need to figure out what it is about you that allows you to keep making these bad choices. What is it about this type of guy that draws you to them.

As others have said stop looking and work on you. The last thing you would want to do is take baggage from the last previous relationships into a good relationship once you are in it.

traceytoo

Im 43, been through practically every kind of situation with men / boyfriends, abusive, neglectful, untrustworthy, undependable etc .... I didn't find 'the one' until I actually got to the point you are at, I was so fed up of investing lots of time online / phoning/txting, etc, etc to meet them and be disappointed, I well and truly gave up looking, enjoyed going out with my friends just for the pure enjoyment of being out with them and not looking for MR Right to be in the crowd or at the bar - it was a huge relief .... and there he was, I was not looking for him, didn't even see him and he was not who I expected lol, but he was there and 10 months later, he proves himself every day to be 1 million times different from all the others ....

My advice - stop looking .... he's out there, and he'll turn up in his own good time - maybe it'sjust that you are not ready to see him yet :flowerforyou:

Liatush

Take a breath, get involved with some local groups/charities/volunteer...whatever can make you get out and meet new people instead of dating. I promise it will help...and oh...please dump the internet dating sites if you use them. It is way to easy for people to lie to you when you have never met them. The chats and email go on, you expect something according to what they have told you and then you get something else. That does not help.

I agree with Diane. If you go out and meet people, make new friends, it will help you in several ways. 1. you are doing something good for others, or doing something you enjoy so either way, its not a waste of time. 2. You get to know the real person instead of the date mask people put on when trying to impress lol. 3. sometimes, by meeting a new friend, you can broaden your network and they might know of a great guy to set you up with.

Bottom line - its not you, its them. The only thing you can do to protect yourself is ask plenty of questions early on and listen to your gut.

TheMaidOfAstolat

B- I'm in the same boat. I haven't sworn off men and I know there are great guys out there....but I'm not looking any longer and all of a sudden it's as if every guy knows I'm single. I am extreamly choosy and I know that I need possibly loosen up my standards a bit but I just cannot seem to find a guy worthy enough to date...and the guys that are wonderful all live so far away. I can't just pack up and move because I am a single mom and have three dogs. I can only hope that it might become serious enough at some point to justify a move or keep hoping I can find a good man that is at least within a hundred mile radius, lol.
It'll get better...we just have to belive that our 'the one' is out there somewhere...just waiting for us.

SweetPandora

When I was doing the on-line thing, I met alot of creeps, trolls, posers and attached men and when I least expected it I found my boyfriend, we will be celebrating 5 years this June.

Behind the keyboard it is so easy to be deceitful.

Best of luck and don't worry it's not you!

Karen

Sumo813

I think with the Internet, it's a bit easier for people in general to do things they might not otherwise do. I lost faith in true love. I think it (the notion of true love) was something created by hippies that hugged trees. I say chop the damn things down and lets use em to age some bourbon in!

I've been told I chase the wrong ones. Maybe that's true. And maybe most of us do. I just wish (as I'm sure most people do) that there were signs to know who "the one" was. Like, if we all had some sort of neon symbol on our arm like in TRON Legacy, and only one other person had the same symbol as you, and that was your mate. Of course, that could lead to some interesting things if two of the same sex had the same symbol. lol

The unfortunate thing is, your trust in people gets broken. And it's very hard to let down your guard for the one who might truly be your soul mate. Hopefully you dont have to weed through too many more to find the right one. :flowerforyou:

cortez54

There are lots of jerks out there, men and women. I've found that "trying less" and not bumming out naturally attracts good people into my life. Whether they are romantic relationships or just dear friends, it helps. Been there. Trust comes slowly and sometimes is misplaced. Some people tell you who they want to be for lousy selfish creepy reasons. Some are just misguided. Peace, Cortez54 (Jack)

CakeFit21

I dated a ton of losers too before I met my husband, I mean real losers. Anyway, what I did was learn to NOT TRUST MY JUDGEMENT. I figured out I had horrible taste in guys. If I thought someone was right for me, I ran. It wasn't until I met someone who was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE, (I mean opposite) of all the guys I had dated before that I thought I might be on to something. It's true, the common denominator it all those other relationships was me. I had to figure out why I was letting those jerks have the power. My husband could not be more different than those guys, for one he's nice to me, (and he has a job) and I never would have imagined marrying a cute, geeky, computer artist guy. We are an odd pair and everybody says so when they first see us together, but after 5 minutes with us they know we were made for each other.

tammyquinnlmt

I dated a ton of losers too before I met my husband, I mean real losers. Anyway, what I did was learn to NOT TRUST MY JUDGEMENT. I figured out I had horrible taste in guys. If I thought someone was right for me, I ran. It wasn't until I met someone who was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE, (I mean opposite) of all the guys I had dated before that I thought I might be on to something. It's true, the common denominator it all those other relationships was me. I had to figure out why I was letting those jerks have the power. My husband could not be more different than those guys, for one he's nice to me, (and he has a job) and I never would have imagined marrying a cute, geeky, computer artist guy. We are an odd pair and everybody says so when they first see us together, but after 5 minutes with us they know we were made for each other.

I have to agree....most of the time...the geeky guys treat you the best!

RoadDog

I dated a ton of losers too before I met my husband, I mean real losers. Anyway, what I did was learn to NOT TRUST MY JUDGEMENT. I figured out I had horrible taste in guys. If I thought someone was right for me, I ran. It wasn't until I met someone who was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE, (I mean opposite) of all the guys I had dated before that I thought I might be on to something. It's true, the common denominator it all those other relationships was me. I had to figure out why I was letting those jerks have the power. My husband could not be more different than those guys, for one he's nice to me, (and he has a job) and I never would have imagined marrying a cute, geeky, computer artist guy. We are an odd pair and everybody says so when they first see us together, but after 5 minutes with us they know we were made for each other.

I have to agree....most of the time...the geeky guys treat you the best!

**Raises Hand** "Don't let the leather jacket and the shades fool ya!! I'm a geek!!"

tammyquinnlmt

Roaddog, You crack me up!