unsupportive mom

faerybun

i'm 19 and still living at home, i started wanting to lose weight in january and have since lost 14.8 pounds, i was at a healthy weight to begin with, but i want to be thin and in the best shape of my life, i'm nineteen!

my mom is obese and has always struggled with weight... when i told her about my accomplishment this morning (breaking my 145 goal) she just asked "are you going to lose more?" i said "yes, of course, i said 130" and she just walked away.

I could understand if my bmi was dipping below 18.5, or anywhere close to it, but even at 130 my bmi will be 20.1...

have any of you ever dealt with something like this? i hate to call it jealously, but i don't know what else to call it since it's impossible that she's concerned... i couldn't even be considered thin yet, let alone 'too thin'...

any suggestions?

meggonkgonk

If your mom has a struggle with her weight, I would probably not overtly mention your loss unless asked. If she wants to talk about it be prepared- it's kind of her right to be concerned as your mom (im not saying she has the right to make the decision for you but she does have a right to express concern.)

If she does start to think you are getting to an unhealthy weight, or this is causing tension between you make sure at your next check up to discuss your plans and goals with your doctor and keep your mom informed of his/her opinion. Possibly consider getting your body fat % measured as well- when you are in a healthy weight range, BMI really isn't very precise as an indicator of good weight/body composition.

Edit to mention: she could absolutely be concerned you are too thin- I'm only just now getting into a healthy BMI and already people are asking me if I thought I've lost too much.

skinnyme125

She may feel that you are ashamed of the way she looks and that is why you are losing weight so you wont look like her. My mom is similar as she is a housekeeper and gets mad when I say I want something better than that for myself. she thinks I am putting down what she does. Or that I am saying that what she does wasn't enough for us. That is not it at all. I just different, that is better for me.
Just like you and wanting to lose the weight. You are not saying your mom's weight is not good enough it just isn't what is best for you. Every person is different and that is hard for parents to realize that there children do not want to be like them.

xraychick77

its not jealousy. my wifey is overweight and i am very in shape. when ever i mention my accomplishments she gets upset. I think she may feel i'm rubbing it in her face. when in fact i'm not, i am proud of myself and my accomplishments and want to share that. Some people dont see it like that. try talking to her about it. see what the issue is. it'll be tough, and even though i talked to my wifey about it, she still gets upset when i mention it even though she knows why I do. i'm looking for acknowledgement of what i've done. so i just keep my mouth shut.

kappyblu

I think that when a person decides to get healthy and those closest to them are not ready to do that for themselves, they can begin to feel uncomfortable around you. She still loves you, but she may feel "left out" of this part of your life. You are changing without her and she obviously does not like it. Because if she was honest with herself, she would have to face the truth about herself, and she may not be ready to do that. It is a very difficult thing to come to terms with. All of us here have done that. BUT you are not responsible for her feelings. You have to do what is right for you. You could gently suggest for her to join you if she wishes. Maybe if you invite her to go for a walk with you, it could be the beginning. Make her a delicious and healthy meal. Show her MFP and all the great features here. Invite her into this part of your life and she may be more receptive. If she refuses, don't push her. Just continute with your new lifestyle and hopefully she will come around eventually. But you can still do things together. Keep her tuned into other areas of your life so she will still feel "connected" with you.

I am also a mother, so I sympathize with her to a point. She may feel you are breaking away from her and that is hard for a mother to deal with. Even if you weren't changing your lifestyle, you are still at the age where you are sure to leave the nest soon and as a mom, it is really hard to let go. Hope this helped hon, and keep up the good work!! :flowerforyou:

catcrazy

Or maybe shes seeing herself many years back and thinks it could be the start of striving to achieve something that turns into a life of yo yo dieting.

I cannot imagine your mum could be jealous, as a mum you want what is best for your child and maybe at the lower end of normal BMI she just sees you becoming skinny instead of fitter. I supported my eldest daughter when she wanted to lose weight but when my younger daughter with a lower BMI wanted to I talked her into toning up instead. When you are close to your goal weight it really would be a better idea to work on toning, you will look slimmer and leaner but without actually weighing less.

Becky1971

I believe it's jelousy, maybe not exactly jelousy, but it's definitely her insecurities reacting. It's unfortunate that she can't set those aside to support you, at least in recognizing your accomplishments, I mean thats what we are suppose to do for our kids. If there was a concern of health, as a mom she should say so. I don't think it's that at all.

I struggle a lot, I don't want to make anyone feel down on themselves, but I want them to feel encouraged by success. I worry all the time about saying the wrong thing to certain people, ESPECIALLY my daughter, who also struggles with weight. Theres a very fine line between sharing my success with her, so she can feel a sense of it being possible, and sharing too much where she may feel pressured, or feel worse about herself. Definitely If I were you with your mom, I wouldn't talk about it with her at all. If she is unapproachable which it seems, then the only way you could encourage her is by her watching you, and nothing being said. I don't think that will do it either.

Anyhow, I'm sorry it's that way with your mom, I think sometimes theres just so many years they have lived like that, they just can't face it, I don't know.

Marjorielk

I think she is probably worried about you.

Becky1971

I think that when a person decides to get healthy and those closest to them are not ready to do that for themselves, they can begin to feel uncomfortable around you. She still loves you, but she may feel "left out" of this part of your life. You are changing without her and she obviously does not like it. Because if she was honest with herself, she would have to face the truth about herself, and she may not be ready to do that. It is a very difficult thing to come to terms with. All of us here have done that. BUT you are not responsible for her feelings. You have to do what is right for you. You could gently suggest for her to join you if she wishes. Maybe if you invite her to go for a walk with you, it could be the beginning. Make her a delicious and healthy meal. Show her MFP and all the great features here. Invite her into this part of your life and she may be more receptive. If she refuses, don't push her. Just continute with your new lifestyle and hopefully she will come around eventually. But you can still do things together. Keep her tuned into other areas of your life so she will still feel "connected" with you.

I am also a mother, so I sympathize with her to a point. She may feel you are breaking away from her and that is hard for a mother to deal with. Even if you weren't changing your lifestyle, you are still at the age where you are sure to leave the nest soon and as a mom, it is really hard to let go. Hope this helped hon, and keep up the good work!! :flowerforyou:

I totally agree!

I once read a quote that said something like "Nothing makes you feel as insecure as your children will"... I believe this is so true on so many levels. It is very hard to watch our kids grow and become their own people, and do their own thing and separate from us. We have to be willing to readjust the defining of our relationship with our children. And celebrate their independence.

callipygianchronicle

Just know that you don’t own her feelings. You are not responsible for them. She owns her feelings and her reactions. Yes, your losing weight may be bringing up some issues for her. But, it’s her journey to work through. You can support her in that journey, if she asks and wants your support, but she is an adult with 40 years of experience, and really has to resolve this on her own. If we are investing in ourselves for the right reasons, no one has the right to be offended by that. If they choose to view it negatively, that’s their own misery talking. We have enough of our own misery. We don’t need to carry around anyone else’s.

ahsongbird

it probably is a bit of jealousy, mothers are people too they are not immune to envy or jealousy, i know b/c im a mom of three and im one jealous bioottcchh when it comes to skinny girls my age hahaha. My mom is also a jealous one but she flat out tells me shes jealous :P

hroderick

Ask her to help you learn to do the meal planning, shopping, and cooking.
That will demonstrate your maturity and respect for her.
It will also give you a chance to gain control of the diet as you begin taking over those important household responsibilities.
There are many benefits to this approach.

ruthie3110

I told my mum I'd lost 3lbs in my first week and then the next week when I rang to tell her I'd lost another 2lbs the next she told me she'd joined weight watchers again. She is a LOT smaller than me, and I've found that everytime I lose weight she has to go one better. She makes a point of telling me how much weight she's lost and she does blatently rub it in my face sometimes. When I had a chocolate biscuit at her house she literally said "you'll notice how some of us are being good and abstaining"....

So yeah, I know how hard it is when you feel unsupported in your weight loss journey.
Does your mum realise you're upset by her behaviour? Can you talk to her and ask why she walked away? Maybe it just brings to mind her own faults, or she could be worried that her being obese is giving you an eating disorder so you won't look like her.. Extreme I know but it could be she's worried that you won't stop once you get to 130.

faerybun

My mom's the exact same way with being 'one better', when i started sharing my caloric intake she immediately started to lower hers to be less than mine, which isn't very healthy, and i told her that. I've even noticed it with working out now, too! When we go to the gym she'll ask me how many calories I plan to burn, it's usually about 300, and she'll go and do 450! It would be a good thing if she actually saw results, but I hear it gets harder and harder to lose weight when you're over 40.

Thank you all for the responses and advice, it's truly wonderful to be able to hear a third party point of view from people with no bias.

XO A MILLION [: