Self sabotage

jamiek89

I made an absolutly astounding discovery today.... I sabotage myself!!!!
I dont find dieting or losing weight hard, in fact I really like the control & power that I feel when I am on a diet. BUT literally the second I hit my goal weight I eat as much food as I possibly can, so that even if I dont actually weigh myself again, I know that there is no chance that I still weigh that particular number.
At the start of this week I hit a target number that I havent been for quite a long time, & I havent stopped eating since I got off the scales.
Today I realised why.... because Im still not freaking happy!! Because after years of being so unbelievable unforgiving to myself & my body, I know that no matter how much weight I lose, its not going to make me happy. And that scares the total crap out of me! Because if I can find happiness in weight loss & dieting, then what can I find it in??
You know when some one asks how your going? My response has always been based on my weight...
How are you?
*voice in my head* "hmmm, well I just ate a block of chocolate so I feel like a fat heffer"
Oh ok....
How was your day?
*voice in my head* "I didnt go over my calories today & I squeezed in an extra workout on my lunchbreak today"
Yeh today was awsome! I had a really great day today!

Getting my drift??
I know that I'm rambling on like a crazy woman but I honestly thought I finally had a healthy relationship with food & my body. Not great but still healthy. And now I've realised that Im still totally a nut job!

I want to lose weight, because even though i'm not overweight, I am bearing on the heavier side. But I want to be happy. More than anything else I want to feel like my life isnt so damn confusing, want to be one of those people who dont hate themselves more than you could even begin to imagine. I have a FANTASTIC boyfriend, a job I love, workmates you respect me, friends who love me despite my flaws, I SHOULD BE HAPPY!!

OK I dont even know what the point of this post is anymore....

crazymgpilot

I feel your pain. The first step to happiness is acceptance. Acceptance of yourself, who you are, what you like and dislike, acceptance of whatever you weigh now. It doesn't matter what you do or try or achieve with goals, if you can't accept who you are first, you'll never be happy. My wife struggled for years with the same problem. It wasn't until recently that she realized she liked herself and accepted her body and who she was and made an effort to focus on others, that suddenly she was happy, whereas before she wasn't.
Life is a choice. I like to say this all the time, but we choose to be happy; we choose to be miserable; we choose to like ourselves or not; It really is a choice....that being said, I never said it was easy. Going through all this is a journey and sometimes we forget to enjoy the journey that we're on. We're all on here facing the same things. We each have goals that we set. However, we also need to understand that goals can change based on our life changes that we make.
I know what you mean about self sabotage. Every deployment in the past I've been on, I lose twenty pounds, then get back and stop working out, stop weighing in and eat like a pig....and wonder why I've gained the twenty pounds back. Now, though, I'm at peace with who I am and my weight doesn't define me. Through the growth process I've gone through this last year, I've become more disciplined physically and mentally. Again, it's all about choosing what you want and deciding to be happy with it. If you still have troubles, the best remedy I've found is to reach out to others and help them. Helping and supporting someone else does wonders for your self esteem and may help you develop the discipline to not sabotage yourself.

Good luck! keep up the good work and I know you'll reach your goals and BE HAPPY WITH THEM!

crazymgpilot

One other thing...I've seen some people mention the book "Tobal Body Solutions" byTom Venuto....excellent book because he talks about the mental aspect of losing weight and how to be happy with ourselves.

Feylina

We all have the un-fillable hole in ourselves. No matter how happy we are. I can't begin to explain where it's from or why it's there. Every religion, sect and cult has a reason for it no matter how plausible or unrealistic. As long as you're happy and don't turn that little bit of empty into self abuse I think you're doing pretty darn good.
Perhaps it's just that part of ourselves that's afraid to let go. I have no idea but I do know you're one awesome woman and as long as you're doing good and no one's getting killed in the process just keep doing what you're doing.

jamiek89

Thanks for the support guys! I think realising my problem & venting helped alot! Its definately something im going to have to keep working on!
Oh & will definately have to have a read of that book, thanks crazymgpilot =D

Disneygal11

You're NOT a crazy woman!! Oh you are not alone in this. I am the QUEEN of sabotage. I can't quite put my finger on why but I do it all the time. I realized watching the Biggest Loser that so many people with weight issues have underlying emotional issues. Not everyone but many people do. That scares me. I'm afraid of what I'll dig up if I search to deep. I just want to be motivated and have it all fall into place. LOL Unfortunately I probably need to do some soul searching in addition to trying to lose the weight. Not really interested in doing that. I guess that's why I sabatage myself.

JennyBoBenny

I'm with you 100%!! I suggest the book "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson (was one of Oprah's favorite things this year). It is not a diet book. It is not an exercise book. It is a book all about our inner selves and the spiritual path to becoming our perfect weight again. I am in love with this book! I'm on Lesson 7 of 21 and the things she has you doing to discover the root of your self sabatoge is incredible! I'm learning alot and I'm getting to the root of my weight issues!

Good luck!

katschi

The book is actually called "The Body Fat Solution" by Tom Venuto and yes, it's quite good, IMO.

crazymgpilot

Thanks, not only did I typo, but I didn't have it in my gym bag with me and forgot the correct name. Thanks again! Good book.

diviana

You can be in control of your diet and body, but if you aren't in control of your mind, that is where the sabotage comes into play. There is a mental block (and we all have them in varying degrees- myself included), and talking to someone about what's on your mind will help you identify what that might be and help you come to terms with whatever underlying issues exist. Self-help books as mentioned are a great start. Good luck to you :-)

lolabugs

I struggle with feeling like I don't deserve my accomplishments, too. What I think could be important for you is to not be so hard on yourself for being so hard on yourself. It might sound silly, but when you look in the mirror, tell yourself 3 things you like about your body. The more you do it, the more you'll start to believe it and, hopefully, you'll start to see yourself the way you really are rather than sabotaging yourself because you don't think you deserve the success that you've worked so hard to achieve. If you know that you sabotage yourself but still can't seem to change your behavior, I would suggest talking to a professional to work through deeper issues.

I hope this was helpful. I know you can get yourself out of your rut if you continue to be conscious about it. I wish you strength and happiness.

jamiek89

Thanks for all the support guys! Its comforting to know that im not the only one! Looks lilike I have a few new books to read now