Any one else feel this way?

Levedi

About 7 years ago, I was about the same weight I am now. I did WW and in 6 mos lost 55 lbs. Yay, right? Everybody in my family was ecstatic. My parents and my brothers all told me over and over that they were proud of me.

Here's the problem, the more they said that the more I started to feel like my weight and my appearance were what made me valuable to them. My mom put me on my first diet when I was 13. (Two doctors told me as a teen that I shouldn't diet - I should just get a little more exercise to improve my muscle tone, but my mom urged me to diet anyway.) My grandfather told me 6 months before he died that if I didn't lose weight no one would ever marry me. It wasn't the first time he'd said that. My dad has diabetes and eats butter straight out of the butter dish, but I'm the one whose weight was "a problem." Is it any surprise that I've struggled with my body image all my teen and adult life? By about the twentieth time they said they were proud of me, i felt really angry. Like i wanted to binge just to show them I was valuable no matter what I weighed.

I was in grad school at the time that I put on and then lost all that weight. I heard more "I'm proud of you" for losing weight than I did for getting my PhD and landing a full time professorship. Since then my Mom has called me fat more than once. I'm 34, but she still takes food away from me if she thinks I'm eating too much. (Yes,I'm a grown woman and my mom has actually taken food out of my hands.) When I started dating a guy a year ago, she implied that maybe now I'd be motivated to lose weight so I wouldn't lose him. (I broke up with him after a year. Had nothing to do with weight.) I know my family thought they were being supportive and loving. That's what makes this particularly hard. I tried to them all this and they were hurt and defensive.

In the last 4 years I've put on all the weight I lost. It took me the last year and a half of going to therapy and Overeaters Anonymous to get through the shame and the self-hatred enough that I could start exercising and eating healthy consistently again. I haven't told anyone except my best friend that I'm doing MFP because I don't know if I can cope with my family's reaction.

This time I'm trying to do this for me. Not to find a man, not to win my family's approval, just because I want to be a healthy person in my body as well as my mind and soul. But I still have moments when I wonder what I'll say to them when they see that i'm losing weight. (Because I will lose this weight. I will.)

Anybody else have to cope with something like this? How do you handle it?

katcena

I can totally relate. I've always been the "fat" kid in my family. My mom has always been hard on me about it. I also lost the weight a few years ago....then gained it all back...and have dealt with the family (mostly mom) pointing it out repeatedly.
I decided (again) that I wanted to do this for me....I wanted to lose the weight, feel better, and be healthy. And all for me. Not for them...or anyone else. I am LOVING it! I am enjoying the daily decisions of what to eat to best take care of myself and fuel my body. I am loving the challenge of what I can do now physically!
It sounds like you have come to the same realization....it's for you...all about you. And as long as you keep that in mind...you are going to be HAPPY! And that is what really matters!

suzycreamcheese

they f*** you up your mum and dad!

Most eating disorders are caused by our parents IMO. When I was 16 and 5ft 6 and a healthy 9stone (126lb) I had absolutely no concept of the correlation between eating and weight, Didnt even cross my mind. I ate well, wasnt hungry, wasnt fat. I went to visit my dad and all he could keep going on about was "i shouldnt eat this, i shouldnt eat that" "youll get fat" "weve got a tendency to get fat in this family" - All HIS issues, not mine. if i ate some chocolate, he'd blow his cheeks out to imply id be fat.
I remember it so clearly, because after that holiday i started making myself sick after meals, and have battled with that for the last 18 years (not so much anymore. the control over my food that MFP gives me, seems to really help me not feel out of control in that department so ive been LOADS better since i started this)

As you say, A woman seems to get so much more praise over conforming appearance wise, than she does over ANYTHING else.

crazymgpilot

I think you gals are on the right track. Once you take the "appearance" quotient out of it and begin to do this for yourself it totally changes your perspective. Congratulations on a healthy approach to weight loss. I commend everyone on here for wanting to be better, healthier, for themselves and not because their family or others think they should. That's my favorite part about this community...we're all here to support each other for our personal goals.

Keep up the good work. (BTW my own weight gain stems from my parents always telling me i had to clean my plate when i'd eat...so I really enjoy food. Now I find moderation to be helping immensly!)

zacherybinx

Yeah, I think the best advice I can give is to do it for you and the future you(s) that you may one day leave behind. It's not only better for your body and long term health as you said but also will set a good example for others around you regardless of what their own intentions/agendas are. Family and most people in today's world or so it seems care and/or put way too much stock in appearance. At the end of the day if you're working out for the wrong reasons you're just as bad as the people who have been ignorant about it over the years. It's good motivation at times but make sure you do you and do it for yourself. I try and think of my body as a community that I'm in charge of and depending on what I fuel it with and what I do to make it all work better depends on my good or bad decisions. So I consciously try and make an effort to now eat healthy and do more physically. I try and not put much stock in the superficial looks side of it although I know eventually that will come with it, but again I try and make sure I'm doing it for myself. I hope everyone on here is as well...good luck and MFP is always around for support.

Levedi

Thank you guys! It's great to have support like this. it's definitely a girl thing in my family. It reminds me of what David Sedaris said about his own family - the boys' bodies were simply vessels for their minds, so they were free to get as fat and ugly as they wanted to. The girls on the other hand had to keep their looks so they could find a man.

Mind you, I have nothing against finding a guy for myself. I just want a relationship that's based on more than my hip size and my ability to make biscuits.

And Suzy, love the Larkin quote!

Thanks everybody.

joybell32

I agree. " i'm so proud of you! I had no idea you would be this successful! (WHY THE HECK not?) is what i've heard before! BS! My body didnt' get me where I am, my brain did! Be confident in YOU and YOUR decisions! Good luck to you in your journey!