Will somone make me laugh

justsummie

So, a Panda walks into a bar, takes a seat, and helps himself to the bar's complimentary peanuts. After a while the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you gonna buy a drink?' at which point the Panda pulls out a gun and shoots up the bar then calmly makes his way towards the door.

The bartender is obviously distraught but remarkably uninjured and he screams at the Panda "What the hell was that, I just asked you if you wanted a drink!"

To which the Panda replies, "Look man, it's nothing personal I'm a Panda, it's what we do, look it up."

So, the bartender grabs his encyclopedia and sure enough the passage reads "Panda: eats, shoots, and leaves."

JEK717

Advantages Of Being A Woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Shannoncore

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. the bartender yells "hey we don't allow pets in here " and the man said its no prob he is very clean and we bath him everyday. the bartender said it was fine as long as he does not get in to anything. well the monkey jumps on to the bar and starts eating all the limes oranges and olives. the bartender was like "this is not a buffet get your monkey off my bar." the bartender reassured the man that he would pay for everything. just then the monkey jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball. the bartender threw a fit and the man said he would replace the whole set. after paying the man took the monkey and left. about a week later the man with the monkey comes back and the monkey jumped off his shoulder and picked up a cherry put it up his butt , pulled it back out and ate it. the bartender gagging asked why the monkey just put a cherry up his butt pulled it out and ate it. and the man replied that ever since e ate the cue ball the monkey learned to measure everything first.

newnormal2010

Then there's this one, as told by my 96-year-old great aunt to my 11-year-old son:



A man gets onto a bus on a hot afternoon and sits down next to a nun. He sighs and says, "T.G.I.F. Thank God it's Friday!"

The nun shakes her head at him and says, "S.H.I.T."

As his eyes widen in shock, she goes on, "Sorry, Honey, it's Thursday!"

newnormal2010

So, a Panda walks into a bar, takes a seat, and helps himself to the bar's complimentary peanuts. After a while the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you gonna buy a drink?' at which point the Panda pulls out a gun and shoots up the bar then calmly makes his way towards the door.

The bartender is obviously distraught but remarkably uninjured and he screams at the Panda "What the hell was that, I just asked you if you wanted a drink!"

To which the Panda replies, "Look man, it's nothing personal I'm a Panda, it's what we do, look it up."

So, the bartender grabs his encyclopedia and sure enough the passage reads "Panda: eats, shoots, and leaves."

Have you read the book, "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves"? I think it's the funniest book I've ever read, and it's about punctuation mistakes! I started reading it when I was sick, and I had to put it down because I kept laughing so hard that I would start having a coughing fit. :laugh:

princess4mimi

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I wasn't. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time while I drove by it at a snails pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


Sent from Funny Jokes: http://bit.ly/1DOFTl

holli_walker

this one always makes me laugh.

why couldn't the little pirate go to the movie?

cause it was rated aarrrrrrr.

Levedi

Oh my gosh! I'm laughing so hard I can barely sit up straight. You're awesome. Here's my little joke:


Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

cuddlegrl

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cuddlegrl

A guy goes out drinking with his buddies. The next morning he wakes up, fully dressed, in his own bed. He's hung over and his face hurts. He crawls out of bed and looks in the mirror, to see that he has a huge black eye. He makes his way out to the kitchen, where he finds his favorite breakfast on the table with a flower and a loving note from his wife, saying that she's gone out to get some things for him and will be back soon.

The guy still doesn't really remember anything about the night before, so he asks his teenage son, "What happened last night? Do you know how I got this black eye?" The boy says, "Yeah, well, you came in pretty drunk. You tripped over the coffee table and crashed into the door -- that's probably when you got the black eye."

"OK," says the man, "that kind of makes sense. But what's with the breakfast and flower and love note from your Mom? She usually gets pretty mad if I have to much to drink."

"Oh, that!" laughs the son. "Well, after you fell down in the living room, Mom took you in to put you to bed. She tried to undress you, but you kept yelling, 'Keep your hands off me! I'm a married man!'"

LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!

KristenAnn711

LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that 'Laugh My Boob off' ??

rharris86dc

I really hope some of these cheered you up, because I am DYING over here!!! The one with the scale in the driveway and the drunk guy are hysterical!!!

Brucifer55

I was driving up to the mountains to take my Grandmother to get some new eye glasses, when I heard on the radio a circus train had derailed near the town where she lived. Several elephants had escaped and traffic was being re-routed. I was going to call her to say I would be a little late, when she called me. She said, "You have to get up here, RIGHT NOW!!!". She was just frantic. "There's the biggest, ugliest mule I have ever seen going down the middle of my garden, pulling my cabbages up with his tail!!!"

I said "What???"

"He's backin' down the rows, wrappin' his tail around my cabbages and snatchin' 'em right out of the ground!!!"

I asked, "What's he wanting with your cabbages?"

She said, " Lord Almighty, you wouldn't believe me if I told you!"

antfefe6

I just went to DAmn you Auto Correct....I am laughing so hard my eyes are watering!!!

deeharley

Oh my word. These are hilarious! I just got a mini workout laughing.

pressica

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/

Always makes me laugh (usually uncontrollably till my boyfriend looks at me like I'm crazy)

Oh my gosh, I checked this website out tonight while the boyfriend was sleeping. It was sooo funny that I was crying from having to hold in my laughter. Thanks for sharing!!

holli_walker

LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that 'Laugh My Boob off' ??

It means: lmbo-Laugh my butt off

MzDazie

Ok so here goes I am a 911 dispatcher so one day I am dispatching fd to a call. Well we have a street in or city that is Bonner well I had just started and got confused I said boner on the radio. The fd guys didn't even get on the radio because they were laughing so hard. Hope that helps you smile or atleast get a chuckle out this is a true story :-D.

I dispatch state troopers, and we have got some really odd names in our post region. We have Moon Rd, Lick Skillet, Wet Cat Rd, Buster Cherry LN (I think someone had a sense of humer with that one) and my all time favorite... Garcia BLVD intersects with Deadhead Ln.

MzDazie

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/

Always makes me laugh (usually uncontrollably till my boyfriend looks at me like I'm crazy)

OMFG! I have tears running down my face.. I have teenagers, how did I not know about this site before?

Voncreepy2

Oh my gosh! I'm laughing so hard I can barely sit up straight. You're awesome. Here's my little joke:


Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q:How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A:Tame Way!!!!!:laugh: