Need an agony aunt!

jodie_t

Y'all will know how emotional stuff makes you eat .. well I need some advice before I seriously overdo the chocolate.

Here's a hypothetical and I really want your opinion. Your mother dies ...and your father is really sick with dementia - but not so sick that anyone has taken over their affairs just yet, you are all trying to just help him get along..... your brother starts to bully your father for cash - your father has already paid off their ex from a disastrous marriage, has started paying his mortgage, & his kids school fees (cos they couldn't possibly go to a SHOCK HORROR state school, that would be unthinkable.. even tho the brother has obviously no cash himself to pay those fees) and now the brother is bullying your sick father for a huge sum of money for a future pension. EVENTUALLY you have to make the brother sign a LEGAL AGREEMENT (!) to stop bullying your father, it is the only way to stop him, and your father has nothing left but his house because the brother has got everything else out of him while your father has been sick.

So... your father has died and the dust has settled. Your brother now wants to be welcomed warmly into everyone's home for fun and company and for everyone to treat him as if he never behaved like that. (!!!) WTF??? Is it just me that finds this gobsmackingly unreal?

The person this has happened to is my hubby and the 'nasty' in this case is actually his sister - I turned her into a man for the story, cos I've never known a woman to behave that appallingly. This is hubby's only sibling so he wants to carry on as if everything's lovely and none of this ever happened. I don't ever want her in my house while I'm around, cos she's also seriously rude to me - hubby won't have that, he wants her round as if nothing is wrong...so we're rowing...

But what I really want to know is .. what would you do if it was your father, being bullied like that by your only brother/sister? Would you really want to carry on an affectionate normal family relationship after that - as if nothing had ever happened??

marielw

No, most definitely not. I just couldn't carry on as normal whether it was my brother, sister or sister-in law. Some things just can't be forgiven. All the best to you x

catesalim

I think when we carry resentments, we're the one's who suffer the most. The resentment is like a little seed that grows each time we relive our memories of the events.

Your brother's behavior was horrible. Eventually, talking with your brother, and expressing your anger over his behavior is what is going to help most. Stuffing down that anger is only going to hurt you... it won't effect him one little bit. Forgiveness is tough, and depends on your spiritual beliefs, but it's what will eventually help in the long run.

sofaking6

I'd invite her over with open arms and then spend the whole visit talking about what an evil witch she is. If you're gonna be fighting with your hubby over her anyway, might as well make it worthwhile!

zydratethief

To be honest, id have never speak to the person again, but its different since there is a third person in the equation.

Does she want more money?
If she does then i suggest you wash your hands off her.

But im not really one to comment, since im one of seven siblings, and my mother has always drummed this into us

"Family first, everyone else after"

In this case, its your husbands family, and by extension your family. Id have a chat with her, set some ground rules - No money, no rudeness, a bit of respect, and then we can work on the rest.

Also kids - your children should get to know thier cousins, they are family after all.

But thats my opiniong

catcrazy

Jodie I'm so sorry. I really can't offer any advice but I sort of know how you feel. My now ex partner never stuck up for me against his vile mother, used to sit there and hear her slagging me off (in our house) but never said a word. He got with a new partner and cut her off within a couple of years, totally cut her off!

Personally I couldn't, wouldn't want to try carrying on as normal and it would choke me to pretend.

Does hubby believe you when you say she is rude to you? If not then get the proof and if he still insists on her coming over take yourself out or into another room. She sounds like the kind of person that would take pleasure from stirring up trouble between you and I'd do all I could to make sure she didn't see that.

KrystiR

I could not do it. How could anyone forget such revolting behavior. To take advantage of someone is bad enough but to do it to your father who raised and loved you, and who was in a volunerable state with a sickness he has no control over. Its sickening. And the fact the witch who has the gall to be rude (disrespectful) to you in your home. What Nerve!

sidenote: I wouldnt trust her because of her past behavior either. Hubby should stick up for you and tell his rude sister if she is going to be disrespectful to you then or she isnt welcome in BOTH of your home........(sorry. I dislike people being rude, just to be rude).

jodie_t

>>Does she want more money?
If she does then i suggest you wash your hands off her. <<

Yes, she has dropped hints that she expects US to contribute to her finances - should she ever need cash in the future. And she's far wealthier than we are!!

>>I'd have a chat with her, set some ground rules - No money, no rudeness, a bit of respect, and then we can work on the rest. <<

I can't talk to her, I'd be too angry - I would actually have to email to make myself comprehensible. But if I did that hubby would go ballistic. He ( like a lot of guys, present company excepted :-) ) seems utterly blind to her rudeness and manipulations, women are so much better at it, waaay more subtle and much nastier, and very often guys are just left confused, they really cannot see what's going on. Although hubby had to force her to sign the legal document so even he was obviously totally aware of that stuff.

Good replies folks, thanks, my thinking about my responses to this is gelling together, which is calming me down & less likely to be heading for the fridge ..
Any more thoughts, lemmee know please x