My Private Fire

porcelain_doll

**I wrote the following in a new blog post yesterday. However, there seems to be some issues with new blog posts showing up on the site. So, this is the next best thing, I guess..... Please keep in mind this is more "blog-oriented" than "forum-oriented." Either way, I hope you enjoy the read. **


I recently went out to lunch by myself about a week ago, which is uncommon for me as I usually eat lunch with the same people every day. But that was the thing - I eat lunch every day with the same people in the same room inside of the same building - and I reached a point where I thought one more day might cause my head to pop off my torso and begin turning at a full 360 degrees at about 75 mph. I needed some time alone that day.

So I drove up the street to a nearby Wendy's that has a terribly-designed drive-thru lane for itself and the conjoined Tim Horton's inside, and made my way to a distant parking space with burger and fries in hand (my favorite meal) once I figured out which of the 15 lanes to navigate my car through to the food window. My guilt for abandoning ship and leaving my lunch buddies behind had stayed back with my dust as I sped out of the work parking lot just ten minutes earlier; at last, I had some peace.

My radio and engine were both turned off, allowing a full onset of quiet and harmony to settle in. As expected, my thoughts began to wander. And wander. And wander...

Suddenly I pictured so many things at once: beauty, laughter, bright skies, rainbows, angels, hugs, kisses... I thought about things of the past and things to come, and the feeling of achievement that I sorely missed. My mind took me back in time to writing poetry and short stories; painting in the art studio at school; long conversations with my gorgeous art instructor; the freedom I felt as I pushed the nozzle down and spray-painted my entire vehicle; learning to dance the salsa and merengue; the intense pleasure as I badly damaged the driver's side door of the truck owned by my childhood bully; the beloved dog I trained; the late night swims I took; the dear friends I made; the tears I cried; the life I had once lived.

Soon after, I realized that I needed to return to work as I gazed out my windshield amidst a private fire of memories that had invisibly engulfed me inside of my vehicle. My visions continued as I drove back to work, and lingered as I sat in my parking spot not wanting to go back inside just yet. I felt like I was in the midst of a dream I did not want to wake up from.

I turned around and looked back at the building, and thought about what it'd be like on my last day. That day where I could walk out and never come back after saying all my "good-byes," given all my hugs, cleaned off my desk, walking out that front door one last time and letting the door quietly shut behind me. Would it be a sad day? Is it something to be scared of? Absolutely not. In fact, the imagined feeling of leaving sent a surge of energy through me, making me jump out of the car and walk quickly back inside, as if doing so would make my imaginary departure more speedy.

I believe memories are gifts that we give to ourselves to open in the future; jolts of delight that refresh and remind us of who we are. They also serve as places of refuge; shelters from the dark clouds that stalk us as we fight to run against storms and winds that attempt to knock us down.

Travel to them whenever you wish; nobody can take them from you or prohibit you from going. They are there to invigorate, enlighten, and enjoy. And they are yours forever.

RoadDog

I understand you completely. I walk everyday at lunch. About 35 minutes. On the weekends I walk early in the morning. Sunrise. Usually walk for about 5 to 6 miles. It's quiet and I can reflect on past memories and future hopes. It helps to realign me.

Sometimes Jan or Holland want to walk with me. Those are the days I walk twice, because the first walk is just for me. I think about my parents. My younger brother's last days. Holland's future. Retirement. Loves that I have had. Loves that I have imagined. The love that I have. How much better off the world would be if I was in charge. Sometimes I just picture my wife's sacral dimple. Holland's smile. The last time Tara and I went to Disneyland. Lynyrd Skynyrd with Nicole. Rolling down the road with the guys. It's good.

Probably going to be thinking about your lunch at my lunch.

Thanks.

Fitzpoppa

Very awesome.... invigorate, enlighten, and enjoy, these are words to live by.