Totally OFF subject, but wasnt sure where to post...I need s

boobee32

WEll, there wasnt a board to post things non diet related, but am hoping that this post will maybe get me some support and feedback...

I have a 13 soon to be 14 year old daughter, that I have just found out is drinking and smoking pot. I am totally floored, as I would never expect this behavior from her....however I am aware that things are quite different now than they were at my age...but my god...I never did this kind of stuff at that age. 16? yes, I did my fair share...but 13?
I am just at such a loss at what to do? Start making her stay home instead of going off with her friends? Not sure WHO she has been doing this with, just know that she has.
I am going to confront her about this today, but right now it has me in such a funk...I am just ready to get off work, go check her out of school, and take care of it!!!

I know...realistically...if she is going to do this, there is no way I can have complete control ...she will find a way....and that makes it harder!!!!

What to do?? What to do??

lesley1981

I don't know what it's like where you are, but I work for Social Services and we get calls from parents about this on a regular basis!

Your local authority should be able to provide you and your daughter with the necessary supports, whether it be counselling or advice.

tkcasta

I'm 25 and the first time I tried pot was when I was like 12. It's not all that uncommon. For me, I did it and just wasn't thrilled so it wasn't a big deal. Honestly I think the best thing you can do it talk to her openly about it. Ask her why she is doing it, how it makes her feel etc. The worst thing you can do it get angry, then she isn't going to talk to you at all. After you ask her questions (non accusatory of course) just let her know that it isn't something that you think is right, and that you would rather she didn't do it.

I'd personally be more concerned about the alcohol, and with that again all you can do is make sure she knows that if she ever gets into a bad situation that she can call you, no questions asked, no punishment.

I guess my biggest question is, how do you KNOW that she is doing it?

EdAmundson

I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings

spitfire1962

In my area we have a group call CG Alliance. CGA is against alcohol and drugs and refer parents to social services and counseling and education on the effects of drugs and alcohol. "Pot" does cause damage to the brain and slows your reflexes. The worst thing you could do is think "Well, she's going to do it when I'm not around." Let her know it's unacceptable, take her to counseling and join a support group. Find out who her friends are and weed them out. Most kids start drinking and doing drugs due to peer pressure. Try to get her to join clubs, and positive support groups where she can make new friends. Let her know how much you care and how concerned you are about her. You sound like a very good parent. Some times we just get too busy and don't realize how hard it is to be a kid now a days.

boobee32

I'm 25 and the first time I tried pot was when I was like 12. It's not all that uncommon. For me, I did it and just wasn't thrilled so it wasn't a big deal. Honestly I think the best thing you can do it talk to her openly about it. Ask her why she is doing it, how it makes her feel etc. The worst thing you can do it get angry, then she isn't going to talk to you at all. After you ask her questions (non accusatory of course) just let her know that it isn't something that you think is right, and that you would rather she didn't do it.

I'd personally be more concerned about the alcohol, and with that again all you can do is make sure she knows that if she ever gets into a bad situation that she can call you, no questions asked, no punishment.

I guess my biggest question is, how do you KNOW that she is doing it?

I KNOW because of the email messages I read on her Facebook Account. She does not know I have her password by the way. Something has been goin on with her and I went in this morning just to see if it is something I should be concerned with..and I find these emails about really enjoying the way it makes her feel...and her drinking and stuff and liking that as well.
You are right, in that I dont need to be angry with her...because that is going to make it worse..I know that...but I have a tendancy to get that way....maybe i better take a xanax before i talk to her...seriously....

amymeenieminymo

For future reference, you can post non-diet related stuff on the "chit-chat, fun and games thread (I know this isn't a fun topic, but that's probably the best place for it) :happy:


I don't have kids, so I'm not sure I can help. But I was a fairly good kid, and I credit it all to the way my dad raised me. My mom was around when I was growing up (she's since passed) but my dad did most of the raising and discipline for reasons I won't get into here.

As much as you may want to, try not to get mad and yell at her because that's just going to turn into a screaming match....the more you tell a teenager that they can't do something, the more they are going to want to do it. The best thing my dad did to set me straight on things was A) He showed how disappointed in me he was when I didn't do something right (I haaaaaated to know he was disappointed because my dad was my hero), and he explained the ramifications of my actions. I rarely got grounded or in actual trouble, because knowing I screwed up in my dads eyes was punishment enough. I hope this helps some!

Sunshinema

I have the same issue. her dad and i are divorced which is more of a challenge. she was grounded, took away all her computer access, ipod touch, etc. she had TV and that was it. we had to show her we meant business. She has spent the better part of hte last year stuck with me, her dad, or me and her sister. she hated it. we didnt yell or anything we just searched her room and then showed her the evidence. it is very difficult and not an easy thing to deal with.
remember you did not fail as a parent. sad to say that this happens younger and younger. we have told her she needs to show us some responsibility and earn our trust back. s he has taken some positive steps but also some not so positive. for us we tried to get her to not see the friends she was hanging with and that back fired on us so i would follow your gut on that one since i dont know your situation. i truly wish you the best as i am living this hell right now.......
there is no right or wrong answer per se but do reach out for support as you will need it.....

ramseyrose

Hi there, I know how you feel. My daughter is the same age and all though she hasnt tried them (as far as I know) we had an issue with lovebites (hickies) a couple of weeks ago. I sat her down and told her that I dont agree with them and that they are not good for your reputation. She hadnt realised how she would be perceived by walking round with them. My worry was had they gone any further - they both swear not.

We have allowed our daughter to try alcohol at home (very occasionally) as others have told me that kids feel less inclined to drink outside the house.

My goddaughter went to a party at the same age and got hammered and ended up in hospital for a few hours to keep an eye on her. She learned her lesson and hasnt got in that state again during the last three years.

Its a nightmare knowing what to do. Where I live we have drugs/alcohol and family counsellors that you can turn to.

I agree, try not to get angry.

Good luck and keep us posted

tkcasta

I'm 25 and the first time I tried pot was when I was like 12. It's not all that uncommon. For me, I did it and just wasn't thrilled so it wasn't a big deal. Honestly I think the best thing you can do it talk to her openly about it. Ask her why she is doing it, how it makes her feel etc. The worst thing you can do it get angry, then she isn't going to talk to you at all. After you ask her questions (non accusatory of course) just let her know that it isn't something that you think is right, and that you would rather she didn't do it.

I'd personally be more concerned about the alcohol, and with that again all you can do is make sure she knows that if she ever gets into a bad situation that she can call you, no questions asked, no punishment.

I guess my biggest question is, how do you KNOW that she is doing it?

I KNOW because of the email messages I read on her Facebook Account. She does not know I have her password by the way. Something has been goin on with her and I went in this morning just to see if it is something I should be concerned with..and I find these emails about really enjoying the way it makes her feel...and her drinking and stuff and liking that as well.
You are right, in that I dont need to be angry with her...because that is going to make it worse..I know that...but I have a tendancy to get that way....maybe i better take a xanax before i talk to her...seriously....

That's kind of what I thought. Well, since that is the case you can't really let her know that you KNOW or she's going to shut you out. (Granted, I'm just assuming because I'm remembering how I was with my mom). If you have general conversations with her - I liked the idea the pastor had about taking her out on a girls day - and just talk about everything, it's going to sink in. But you can't tell her that you were snooping (no matter what is going on - I respect a parent right to do this, but I also know that if she knew you did it, she would never talk to you again - until she is like 25).

All I know is that my mom really just told me what she didn't want me to do, but she was very honest about things - and I got into more trouble at 13 than I did at 16. I think now is just a really important time to build that trust because it's natural that she is pushing like this.

Our brains aren't fully developed until we are in our mid 20's - and we don't really have any idea, we aren't conscientious until then. So plant the seeds of what you think is appropriate behavior without punishment. I bet she'll talk to you if you can stay cool. If she knows that she can talk to you about anything without being punished then things will be much better, and when she makes mistakes, which of course she will, you will be able to tell her about how you feel about it, and how you think she should handle the situation.

That being said, I understand you are freaking out and that it's really scary to think of your baby doing stuff like that, but also keep it in perspective. It's just pot. Is it great, no, but it's just pot.

Atlantique

I'm not a parent, but I don't know that I agree with all the mollycoddling being advocated in this thread.

I didn't get in trouble as a kid because I was deathly afraid of my parents! There was no way, no how that sort of behavior would be tolerated. And I knew it.

My siblings did a little experimenting, and the hammer came down hard on them, which put an end to it.

boobee32

For future reference, you can post non-diet related stuff on the "chit-chat, fun and games thread (I know this isn't a fun topic, but that's probably the best place for it) :happy:

Well...i didnt consider it just fun and games..so thats why i didnt.
Thanks for your advice.

tkcasta

Oh and I just want to say, I'm only speaking from my own experiences, I realize every kid and every parent is different.

boobee32

. Well, since that is the case you can't really let her know that you KNOW or she's going to shut you out. (Granted, I'm just assuming because I'm remembering how I was with my mom). If you have general conversations with her - I liked the idea the pastor had about taking her out on a girls day - and just talk about everything, it's going to sink in. But you can't tell her that you were snooping (no matter what is going on - I respect a parent right to do this, but I also know that if she knew you did it, she would never talk to you again - until she is like 25).

That being said, I understand you are freaking out and that it's really scary to think of your baby doing stuff like that, but also keep it in perspective. It's just pot. Is it great, no, but it's just pot.

You are DEF right in that...I dont want her to know I was on her facebook, but yes, as a parent I DO feel that I have that right if I so feel the need...and I did...and this is where it got me. I was expecting boy trouble...ha!

FearAnLoathing

You need to crack down on her HARD!Compleatly limit her activities stop it in its track at home drug test her whatever you need to do.
I started doing meth and lsd at 12 i didnt stop till i was 29.my parents knew what i was doing,but said i really cant control everything she does.mabey if they had taken a stronger stance with me when it started it wouldnt have gone so long.of course they took no stance with me and i did what I wanted.

tkcasta

. Well, since that is the case you can't really let her know that you KNOW or she's going to shut you out. (Granted, I'm just assuming because I'm remembering how I was with my mom). If you have general conversations with her - I liked the idea the pastor had about taking her out on a girls day - and just talk about everything, it's going to sink in. But you can't tell her that you were snooping (no matter what is going on - I respect a parent right to do this, but I also know that if she knew you did it, she would never talk to you again - until she is like 25).

That being said, I understand you are freaking out and that it's really scary to think of your baby doing stuff like that, but also keep it in perspective. It's just pot. Is it great, no, but it's just pot.

You are DEF right in that...I dont want her to know I was on her facebook, but yes, as a parent I DO feel that I have that right if I so feel the need...and I did...and this is where it got me. I was expecting boy trouble...ha!

Lol, it's going to be ok. The fact that you care is the most important thing. Honestly, oh my god I'm having horrible flashbacks, 12-15 were the years when I was the biggest jerk and idiot. You know, then I got a job and started to focus on other things, I think there is just SO much pressure at that age, that I don't know if it's really as bad once you are 16+. Especially now! There is this like huge push to grow up. I remember being 12 and one day smoking the pot and the next I still wanted to play with my Barbies. Things are so messed up nowadays! I wish my mom had cared enough to really want to talk to me about things, she did and then she just kind of let me go (mainly because she remarried an authoritarian) and then I graduated, left home, and didn't talk to her for 2 years, because - hey she didn't care anyway.

Talking to her, over and over - is always the right thing. You can never go wrong as long as you don't give up. And you certainly sound like you aren't going to give up!

boobee32

You need to crack down on her HARD!Compleatly limit her activities stop it in its track at home drug test her whatever you need to do.
I started doing meth and lsd at 12 i didnt stop till i was 29.my parents knew what i was doing,but said i really cant control everything she does.mabey if they had taken a stronger stance with me when it started it wouldnt have gone so long.of course they took no stance with me and i did what I wanted.

I think in the end...you are right about the in home drug test. I am goin to sit her down and talk to her...tell her how I feel..that I dont want her doing it...and I KNOW..god how I DO know about the peer pressure.....BUT...it is not acceptable...and I am goint to let her know...I will test her every week if I have too....and if she refuses....she will lose priviledges....and if she fails..she will also lose those priviledges.

rfcollins33

I have to say, I agree with the pastor on this one. I did plenty of stupid stuff and if I'd have actually known or felt that my mom really cared, I think it would have changed a lot of the decisions I made. I'm sure from the way you are describing things, she knows you love her, but as the pastor was saying she's your daughter and if you want to go get her right now, do it! I see a lot of good advice on here. Good luck, hon!

neelia

I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings

I semi-agree with this. I agree that you should be proactive and go ahead and deal with the situation and not wait until it arises again.

When my 13 year old son recently got caught for doing the same thing, we took EVERYTHING away from him- TV, phone, computer, everything... We also took him to the sheriff's department where they have a program for kids that have been suspended and/or have gotten caught with drugs (either by law enforcement or by their parents). We are also sending him through the "Get Straight" program through Bradford Health Services to really bring the message home.

I also agree with another poster that if you don't crack down on her HARD, she will simply keep doing it. I did the same thing when I was younger!

No matter what you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!

boobee32

]


Lol, it's going to be ok. The fact that you care is the most important thing. Honestly, oh my god I'm having horrible flashbacks, 12-15 were the years when I was the biggest jerk and idiot. You know, then I got a job and started to focus on other things, I think there is just SO much pressure at that age, that I don't know if it's really as bad once you are 16+. Especially now! There is this like huge push to grow up. I remember being 12 and one day smoking the pot and the next I still wanted to play with my Barbies. Things are so messed up nowadays! I wish my mom had cared enough to really want to talk to me about things, she did and then she just kind of let me go (mainly because she remarried an authoritarian) and then I graduated, left home, and didn't talk to her for 2 years, because - hey she didn't care anyway.

Talking to her, over and over - is always the right thing. You can never go wrong as long as you don't give up. And you certainly sound like you aren't going to give up!

Thanks...so much. I am goin to talk to her...probably a bit sedated to keep the anger down....but in the end....I am goin to drug/alcohol test her...every Sunday...if she refuses...lose priviledges....if she fail..she will also lose priviledges.
Honestly, I dont think the girls day out thing is going to work...we are close now..but things have been drifting apart recently, and now I see why. And yes, I will tell her she can always call me in any situation....BUT that does not make things acceptable...I will not just turn the other way and play dumb. Peer pressure is out there..I know it..I know alot of the little guys she is friends with does this...I just dont know where they get it..and where they do it....geez....

tkcasta

]


Lol, it's going to be ok. The fact that you care is the most important thing. Honestly, oh my god I'm having horrible flashbacks, 12-15 were the years when I was the biggest jerk and idiot. You know, then I got a job and started to focus on other things, I think there is just SO much pressure at that age, that I don't know if it's really as bad once you are 16+. Especially now! There is this like huge push to grow up. I remember being 12 and one day smoking the pot and the next I still wanted to play with my Barbies. Things are so messed up nowadays! I wish my mom had cared enough to really want to talk to me about things, she did and then she just kind of let me go (mainly because she remarried an authoritarian) and then I graduated, left home, and didn't talk to her for 2 years, because - hey she didn't care anyway.

Talking to her, over and over - is always the right thing. You can never go wrong as long as you don't give up. And you certainly sound like you aren't going to give up!

Thanks...so much. I am goin to talk to her...probably a bit sedated to keep the anger down....but in the end....I am goin to drug/alcohol test her...every Sunday...if she refuses...lose priviledges....if she fail..she will also lose priviledges.
Honestly, I dont think the girls day out thing is going to work...we are close now..but things have been drifting apart recently, and now I see why. And yes, I will tell her she can always call me in any situation....BUT that does not make things acceptable...I will not just turn the other way and play dumb. Peer pressure is out there..I know it..I know alot of the little guys she is friends with does this...I just dont know where they get it..and where they do it....geez....

Well, I think you're doing the right thing. You have to do what's right for your family. Everything will be ok. I hope all goes well and that it all works out! Good luck to you, and tell your daughter pixie sticks and code red (long story ) are way more fun. And legal!