Struggling Slightly

ej_xo

Hey Guys!

So, it's been a great couple of weeks for me in terms of my recovery - and I would associate much of this progress with all of the support, encouragement and motivation that I get from all of you! I am happier than ever, and I suppose that I am regaining health too.

My struggle is this:

- I have been working my way back up to AT LEAST 1000 calories a day.

- My body is only used to having approximately 500... though it was often far less or NOTHING...this went on for just over a year and a half.

- I increased my intake in increments. I am now fully able to comfortably eat around 800..but if I surpass this, or eat too much at once it hurts A LOT for A LONG TIME.

- The main issue with that is that one of my main problems are those "guilty" feelings one gets after they perceive they have eaten too much. So when I feel the food slowly going through my system for hours and hours, all day, everyday it becomes extremely hard to overcome/forget/ignore those thoughts. Thus, making it very hard to progress because I am more than often left feeling very ashamed of myself.

- So, as my intake increased, so did my exercise routine. At this point, I am almost obsessed with that too.
The obsession came to be because I also suffer from clinical Depression and the exercise helped release plenty of endorphins which made me feel on top of the world (comparatively speaking, to when I was starving myself).

- I have tried to cut down on exercise and attain the allotted 1200 calorie minimum - today I came very close.

- However, as great as that may seem, my NEGATIVE-THOUGHTS are running viciously through my mind. I just don't know how to deal with it.

This is supposed to be good, this is supposed to be healthy, I'm supposed to be getting better. Yet I feel so lost and confused and scared and anxious and awful and disgusting and fat.

Does anyone know of any good tricks or self-talk that may help?

*P.S. I am seeing many doctors, nutritionist and specialists, so I do have expert advice...I just wondered if people who can relate to weight-issues or food-guilt may know something I haven't come across yet.

Thanks to everyone in advance.
I love you all

Heather75

I have never been through what you are going through, but I think you are amazing. I'm glad you are making progress. This might just be one of those situations where you have to take it day by day (or hour by hour) and keep reminding yourself that you are doing a very good thing for you.

Well done. Be proud of yourself.

kirstinkrueger

First of all, I am proud of you for what you are doing and overcoming this! I have never been through what you are going through but the thoughts seem to be the same just backwards I feel like since I want to loose weight i shouldnt eat as much as I do. When I eat the full amount of calories, I feel bad about myself, even though as you said, it is the healthy thing to do. You are already on the right track getting help, asking for support and trying your best. don't be so hard on yourself. If you are doing your best then you should be proud! I know it seems cliche and DUMB but I loom at myself every morning and point out 3 things about me that I proud of. maybe it's that I look healthier, maybe it's that I simply seem happier. Every morning it is something different but it has taught me how to embrace the good and focus less on the bad. Keep up the good work!

bbygrl5

OMG! I don't have advice honey.... but I do have to let you know how proud I am of the progress you're making. I've seen your diary get better and today your exercise was less of a burn than it has been the last couple of days. I wish I knew the things to tell you, but I feel very unqualified to say anything.

Just know that I'm happy to have you here as a friend and I'm always here to listen when you've had a hard day. *hugs*

carlybarley22

My mom went through the same thing. I am proud of you for putting your foot down and taking the move to be healthy; I know it can be rough. Whenever you feel a little guilty for eating what you may think is too much food, just remember that YOU DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY, because you are a beautiful person .

Lyadeia

I haven't gone through this exactly, but I have had those waves of negative thoughts rush through my mind 24/7 about other things than food/exercise/weight issues.

What I have taught myself how to do is first, write a notebook of only positive things about myself. I add at least 2-3 things to that notebook everyday, even if I have to force myself to think hard about it for an hour or longer. Second, I force myself to speak outloud when a negative thought comes into my head. When something bad runs through my mind, I immediately say the opposite of whatever it is outloud. I repeat it again and again until it overpowers the thought. When you speak, it IS more powerful than your thoughts, and eventually it will take the place of your thoughts. Keep it up long enough and you can actually replace all those negative thoughts with positive ones (of course that takes a long time, but it is worth it). Sometimes I even write down the positive things that I am saying outloud in that notebook...because that notebook is all true stuff, and I feel like if I write something down in there whether I really believe it or not, it will become true since I am changing my thinking about it.

I wish I could help you more, but that's about all I got right now. The only other advice I would give would be reported to the post police, but I guess I could word it like this...seek the help of whatever faith you have. There, that wasn't exclusive and offensive, I hope? Anyway, I find that this also helped me A LOT with things that I was going through.

SoFLYFireman

dont be scared to say it

God, prayer, faith, determination, and strength... It's all there for you as well as many amazing people

you're beautiful inside and out, you deserve a healthy life, you're strong

missmilarae0213

Hey there,

I DO know what you are going through. I was bulimic for 13 years. I've been recovered for a year and half. There IS hope for you. So never give up. The guilt can be overwhelming, but you are seeking professional help for that. I have no doubt the struggles you are going through are monumental. The trick is to reset your resolve everyday. Don't let the overwhelming task at hand get to you. Each day is a new chance to success. When you have an eating disorder, like any addiction, it tends to become the primary focus of every task in your life (either avoiding it or feeling guilty about it, wanting it, hating it...) You would probably benefit GREATLY from daily yoga practice. This is a great way to focus again, concentrate on your health, and reset your resolve. I do yoga 3-5 times a week. Especially when I get frustrated and want to binge or feel guilty because I over did it, those are the times its most important.

I wish you amazing strength in recovery . You are a beautiful person even if you're the last one to see it.

Emily

ej_xo

This is all so amazing! Ladies, I guess the answer wasn't to find tricks specifically, although the tips provided are AMAZING and I will be sure to try them! Thank you!:happy:

But seriously, I am brought to tears...HAPPY TEARS! I guess I just need reminders sometimes.
Yours were all beyond helpful!

So, with happy thoughts and lots of smiles and encouragement...I AM GOING TO SLEEP REMARKABLY WELL TONIGHT!
Tomorrow will be a new day to be even healthier and even happier - all thanks to you :flowerforyou:

ej_xo

wellyourenotSKINNY

You're doing amazing sweetie! don't worry, this is all in baby steps.
When I was recovering, I found I was a lot less stressed if I ate extremely healthy and never really filled myself (the full stomach was a huge trigger and made me feel so guilty)
Exercise is great, but of course in moderation, so don't try to cut it out. Exercise is necessary in healthy lifestyles.
If you want extra HEALTHY calories without feeling much, eat nuts. honestly, they were, and still are, my life saver. A handful of them have tons of calories and they make sure you feel full, but not in that "too much food, I'm stuffed like on Thanksgiving day" feeling.
Also, try to start to have a relationship with your food. I mean this to say that you should try (and I know its hard) to fall in love with what you're eating. Play around with recipes, go crazy in the grocery store, try different restaurants. I always found the more I loved something, the easier that was to nibble on, especially when I did NOT want food anywhere near me.
Just remember, you're doing great and Rome wasn't built in a day .

ej_xo

dont be scared to say it

God, prayer, faith, determination, and strength... It's all there for you as well as many amazing people

you're beautiful inside and out, you deserve a healthy life, you're strong

:happy: = ME ALL NIGHT

sarah44254

I'm so glad you are here and trying so hard to better yourself. You are doing so fantastic in your progress so far

I also have the very negative thoughts, though lately (the past half year or so) they have been relatively quiet. I read that you should spend 5 minutes in the morning, thinking about something good about yourself.

Don't let the bad thoughts creep in. If you enjoy the way your eyes look, think about how beautiful they are, how amazing they can see, how fantastic your eyelashes are to keep all of life's junky bits out of your precious eyes.

Spend 5 minutes thinking about this good thing, then start your day :happy:

During the evening, trying to sleep, think of another, different thing you like about yourself. Say, "I made it to 900 calories today, and it felt good." Or something like that. Just keep mentioning it to yourself. Sometimes saying it out loud will help even more!

Please keep trying, you are worth every effort you are putting in!

Nigel99

Congrats on the progress you have made so far! Don't let the negative thoughts take you over and slow you down. You seem to be doing great, and I'm really happy for you!

Tzavush

I don't have any sage advice unfortunately. But I just want to tell you how wonderful an accomplishment you have made.
Be proud of yourself.

Lyadeia

dont be scared to say it

God, prayer, faith, determination, and strength... It's all there for you as well as many amazing people

Nah, not afraid to say it at all. But last few times I said Jesus or God or Christian in a post, voila, they were magically removed from the thread the next day...

And I felt like what I said was too important to have some offended person report me instead of just moving on. :flowerforyou:

sissimay

I have most of my life been over weight so I cannot say that I know what you are going through except the other way around. I do want to encourage you to keep going and when those negative thoughts come around think about something positive in your life. It could be outside the realm of health and fitness. Maybe a special relationship or something you recently accomplished that brought you joy. Just think on something that will take your mind off the negativity.
When I was a little girl I was afraid of the dark and my mind would wonder and make it worse. I started thinking about the thing that made me the happiest and at that time it was Mickey Mouse and Disney Land. I always feel right to sleep.

If you happen to be a Christian in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5: For though we live in the body, we do not wage war in an unspiritual way; since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly, but are powerful through God for the demolitions of strongholds. We demolish arguements and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowlege of God, taking every thought captive to obey Christ.

Now I recite verse 5 and say: Father in the name of Jesus I bring all my thoughts captive to the obediance of Christ. Think about the words captive and obediance in their context; they are very powerful.

I certainly hope you do not give up whatever you believe or in whatever direction you take to accomplish this very courageous goal.

SoFLYFireman

dont be scared to say it

God, prayer, faith, determination, and strength... It's all there for you as well as many amazing people

Nah, not afraid to say it at all. But last few times I said Jesus or God or Christian in a post, voila, they were magically removed from the thread the next day...

And I felt like what I said was too important to have some offended person report me instead of just moving on. :flowerforyou:

Good point props! :flowerforyou:

zilla

I'm recovering from anorexia. It's hard. I don't really know what to say other than *hugs*

Jonesie1984

I just want to say I'm so proud of you! I've seen you progress and I'm excited for your healthy lifestyle that's taking root. As for advice, I love the idea about the positive words in a journal. I had a period where I struggled a LOT and had a very unhealthy relationship with food. Maybe if you put flashcards with affirming words on the bathroom/bedroom mirror (ex: "you're beautiful", "you're strong", "overcomer") and meditate on that. Also the joy of the Lord is my strength and He's ALWAYS there when you wanna talk..read psalms message me anytime

chrisdavey

I've known people with ED and could see how tough it was to recover from. Coming here and getting support will help greatly. GOod work on your achievements so far

megancx3

I'm having the same problem right now, as you know, I can't even sleep right now because I'm so scared about all the food I'm probably going to eat tomorrow.

We just need to stay strong, if you every need to talk/vent whatever I'll listen.
Don't forget how far you've come, you are going to beat this. I have faith in you

SortaBadass

I feel for you all who have overcome ed or are struggling with it now. *hugs* You guys are so strong! I know you can do it.

EJ, if you have rituals surrounding your eating, maybe you could try to break those by using healthy food? For instance, if you always eat alone, you could try eating something healthy that you normally would eat by yourself with a friend around. If you never eat past a certain point in the evening, you could try eating something healthy later. The idea would be that if you break your rules in ways that you don't consider "bad," it will (hopefully) lead to a more relaxed attitude about food overall.