OK! You Win!

randyv99

Following a devastating car crash on 02/22/2011 in which I suffered very minor physical damage and much more intense psychological damage, I grew impetuous, complaintive, withdrawn and increasingly unhappy. Naturally this lead to underperformance in the majority of my exams following this accident (which also happens to be the majority of my exams in this part of the semester) whcih further fueled my feelings of helplessness, worthlessness and all the other "-lessnesses" one can think of. Having had to miss my cousin's wedding owing to the car crash and the need to study for the aforementioned exams, I grew even more reticent and reclusive. My confidence, like the most precious and delicate of gems had been shattered and now lay in a million glittering pieces at my feet. A number of times, I tried to pick myself up, spearheaded by the support and encouragement I received here but to no avail.

Eventually after some good 'ol fashioned self-pep-talking, I decided that I'd turn my luck upside down, party it up and get back into the work-school-life game full speed ahead. Only, I am not quite as young resilient as I once used to be, so on 03/13/2011, I fell asleep while driving and got into yet another car accident. This time, the only injuries were to my car, my ego, and my wallet. I would have been less upset about this accident if I'd have been drunk or under the influence of some illicit drugs. But sleeplessness was my drug of choice that night, a drug that not even swing dancing or water at the bar (the "fun" I was supposed to be having) could cure. Having felt al the feelings I could feel after the first accident from less than a month before. I resigned myself to waiting until Spring Break to recharge/reorient.

From 02/22/2011 - 03/24/2011, I consumed anywhere from 600-6000 calories daily. With the average for the month being nearer to 3000/day. I figured (in my misguided state) that since everything else was going wrong, I might as well punish my body. Naturally, that month was perhaps the worst month in recent memory. Between nightmares of my nephew screaming as he was the night of the first accident and thinking I was driving while I slept (and thus continuously waking up at night) I did not sleep very well. Poor sleeping and poor eating resulted in poor general health. Heart burn, diarrhea, chest pains, headaches, stiffness etc. were just some of the side effects of the slow suicide I'd selected as suitable punishment for myself.

But then I went to see my fiancee's parents and they commented on how much I'd slimmed down. I spoke to some friends from high school and they seemed to recall how much of a genius they thought I was. These small things let me realize that I never lost any control but rather I gave it away. Catalyzed by folks noticing how I'd slimmed (even at the tail end of a binge month) and by my fiancee noticing how much I'd been eating (as evidenced by her asking if I was depressed), I deicded to stop the moping and excuses and take my health back into my hands.

I got on the scale and took measurements and was surprised how little a difference my binge month had made. I was left wondering: "how did I ever get so fat"? One month later, finally with new resolve, new spirit, new joie de vivre and having finally found my raison d'etre once again (and other poorly utilized french phrases) I have to look at myself in the mirror and say: OK! You Win!

I'm back in this for real now guys and thanks for waiting and helping me get back here!

Tennessee2019

I'm sorry that it took 2 accidents that could have killed you to give you a wake-up call - but welcome back.

themommie

so sorry to hear you have had such a rough couple of months. But glad that you are back in the game and ready to reach your goals. You can do this. Just hang in there