Do you comment to friends that don't ask?

WarmDontBurn

I have a "friend" I don't normally look at diaries but happened to look at hers today. I have noticed that some days she is only netting 500-800 calories. I don't want to preach or sound like a know it all (because I sure as heck don't) but maybe she really doesn't know about NET and really I don't know her situation..maybe she is under doctor care or whatever.

Do I just let it be or would you mention something? On one hand of course it isn't my business but on the other hand if she just doesn't know then I am letting her go down a possibly distructive path.

♥♥YoungMrs♥♥

I remove friends from my list if they are starving themselves..they seem to have completely different fitness goals than me so they just get the boot lol

chanstriste13

ooohhh...tricky. i'd probably mention it - i have a big cyber-mouth. that way, if she doesn't know, she'll have learned something new, and if she does know, you'll know to refrain from comment in the future. even though that eating style is probably going to come back and bite her in the *kitten* eventually - unless it's something doctor ordered, like you mentioned.

but what a sticky place to be! good luck!

LeeKetty1176

the site is all about helping ............i say run the risk............ what the worse that can happen??? your friend says "yea i know".

on the other hand you could really help them. tell them that you noticed and thought you would mention it just in case.

lee.

WarmDontBurn

Thanks

sarahs440

You could maybe send her a personal message. Just word it very carefully. Let her know you are concerned. Good luck!

bettyboop573

yes i agree...send her a personal message...

cgavin77

Are you sure she is logging everything? I know for me sometimes I will not log dinner if I have like 400 cals left and I know my dinner will be around there... Its possible she's not logging all of her cals ALL of the time.

CherylYMerritt

There are often question on MFP regarding how many calories to eat. I for example have set my caloric intake at 1200 calories. by exercising it is easy for me to get at that 500-800 calories a day. For the first three weeks I didn't realize that I had to "eat back" my exercise calories.

Do you think this is what could be happening to her? If so, you should definitely tell her.

If that is not the reason....well...I would still tell her. It is not healthy to try to live on such low calories.

Hope this helps!

skinimin

I get really annoyed when people make comments about my exercise or calories. Like when I get excited about a run and write an update on it and then I get people giving me fitness advice and saying about interval training etc. I know they are trying to help but what they don't realise is that I AM doing intervals at a very high intensity all the time but it's easier to just log it as "power walk/running". I know what exercise I did, I don't have to break it down for my mfp friends. Another time someone wrote me a big long message saying they thought I was at risk of an eating disorder and I got really angry because they hadn't seen my food diary, they don't know my genetic background or the type of body I have always had and they don't know my fitness levels or lifestyle (I was told by this person that I was over exercising to the point of obsession, I exercise for an hour a day and I am a student so an hour is not very much time from my day. I am also very very fit so I can burn more calories in a short time frame). My best advice, if you are really worried about this person, would be to send them a message and just say "hey, not meaning to get in your business but I saw your food diary and you're net calories and I'm concerned." ask them a bit about their exercise regime and the kind of lifestyle they have. It's when people come across as preachy or know it all that I get mad because I'm usually already well aware of whatever they're telling me. I'm Australian, healthy lifestyle and knowledge of health is pretty massive here.

sarahazelnut99

I remove friends from my list if they are starving themselves..they seem to have completely different fitness goals than me so they just get the boot lol

I'm with you its sooo annoying. theyre are so many people out there that have no idea what theyre doing...the whole point of using a website like this is to research the food that your eating and to really see where you need to make a change.

i have days where ive only had about 600 calories and ive left status like "need to find a quick meal before bed" and have gotten responses like "you don't need to force yourself to eat, the less calories the better"
I'm sure we've all had those days but when you notice it as an all the time thing and the person barely needs to lose weight just delete it because it will bring you down

and incase you havent notice, this website is a haven to alot of girls that are anorexic, who are trying to get adds from other girls that are supportive of them doing that...so she probably doesnt want you as a friend either if your concerned no offense

bugnbeansmom

I agree a personal message but I would be clear that you were just poking around and let her know that you have had some success by eating X amount of net cals. Of course you don't want to assume that she is starving or this is a bigger deal than it is. You said it was her net cals so it is not like she is not getting her base calories for the day. I would say that is a much larger risk. Just out of curiosity, is this a normal intake for her or was it just one day? We all know we have days that we struggle to get the cals. Maybe she has been ill and not really wanting to eat. I think it is just important that it is not assumed that she is restricting. Could just be one of those things. Good luck.

Imthatg1rl

You don't know someone's situation, mentioning it may make something worse.

time2runnn

Yes I do, out of concern if it's a daily tend. I've looked at diaries whose days totals (not net even) are below 1000 frequently. Maybe it can be something like, " I hope all is well, I've noticed you aren't eating that much..." Or more direct you can recommend something to eat to boost their day's calories to give it the fuel it needs for all that hard work they've been doing. Yes you can personal message her too, but the reason I will leave a comment sometimes is because some people will leave a trail of "WTG" and so forth without ever looking at that person's food... and I never want to unintentionally cheer someone on to starve themself or eat poorly.

Atlantique

I will sometimes send a personal message asking if everything is OK. I would NOT put that in their profile wall.

Sometimes there really is an issue with eating disorders and the like, but often the person has some special dietary requirements or is going through a rough patch unrelated to food that's affecting their appetite, or some medication is affecting their ability to eat, etc. I don't jump to the conclusion that someone is intentionally undereating as it's usually not correct.

Kind notes asking if everything is OK and offering support are rarely received poorly.

twooliver

Just ask her about what type of program she is on. Say you've noticed how low the calorie intake is and wondered if she was on a restricted plan. Naivete goes a long way....act innocent and curious - rather than judgmental and all-knowing...

shreddingit

If her net after exercise is low, leave it alone, MPF is not right about everything

lalilalu

I'm Australian, healthy lifestyle and knowledge of health is pretty massive here.

Really interesting comment, I've been sitting here for 5 mins trying to decide if I agree with you or not. I'd tend to say that I disagree, but I think it does depend on the people you mix with.

My sister is studying health and nutrition at uni and we often chat about the research she does into trying to better educate the generaly public. I also have heard statistics about the number of obese Aussies, also now going shopping with my toddler I am painfully aware of all the junk food that is directly marketed at her, and she's only 1.5 years old, but the things that she can reach on the shelves are all terrible sugary snacks....

anyway, it's got me thinking....

Chrissieneave

Just ask her about what type of program she is on. Say you've noticed how low the calorie intake is and wondered if she was on a restricted plan. Naivete goes a long way....act innocent and curious - rather than judgmental and all-knowing...

I agree with the above, sounds like a good plan

shaunarlr83

I don't think you should judge anyone off of their diaries, many people do not log everything! Liquids for one can have many calories but a lot of people do not log them, on the other hand some people consume great amounts of liquid and I am sure it is hard to stuff your face full of food after that. i was never one to drink very much during the day, hitting 6 glasses of water a day is a great feat for me, but I have seen people drink whole pots of coffee and up to 20 glasses of water, there is no way I could eat 1200+ cals on a day like that! I also have had a few days when my nets were extremely low but usually I snack late into the night and add that as I go.

audjrey

Yes. I do comment. I mean, after all, what are friends for if not to express concern? Besides, it's not like you have to become anorexic or starve yourself to support someone else who is. Nor do you have to support another in her abusive decisions. You simply have to have compassion and understanding.

When I comment, I don't allow concern to sound negative, critical or condescending. Instead, I pick something they are doing well, healthy, and praise it. And when I am truly concerned, I say so. I will write something to the effect, "I am concerned about you and your under-eating."

As far as I'm concerned, people who eat incredibly few calories may be anorexic in their thoughts and actions and don't need anymore criticism than someone who over-eats and is obese in her thoughts and actions.

Of course it could be that this person you speak of is not anorexic in her thinking but is simply believes that in reducing her calories drastically she'll lose the weight fast. And she just might lose weight that way, albeit unhealthy.

The thing is we all try in different ways. Some of us try to do things our own way and seek out people who support our thoughts and actions and quickly reject anyone who is not in line with our thinking. Others try by gravitating to any new fad out there. Still, I think most of us try through trial and error, by asking questions, doing research, being somewhat receptive to other people's suggestions and persistently changing our approach until something works for us.

Expressing concern towards someone you think is on an unhealthy path is a loving act of kindness. However, not everyone is receptive to these loving acts and can become defensive or worse, attack. Personally I seldom if ever allow other people's attacks against me prevent me from expressing my loving concern. That said, once I've stated my concern, I leave it up to the person what she wants to do with it. If she roots it out and throws it away, so be it. I'm not trying to 'change' her, merely bring her attention to what can be unhealthy.

If you express concern with the intention of being right, you'll never win anything. However, if you express concern with the intention of caring, you can never lose. And even if the person rejects your concern you still don't lose because you weren't trying to win anything in the first place. You will have been true to your intention - to express caring concern. Ultimately it's still up to her what she's going to do.

MeolaCharles

I would respond in a private message out of concern, being very clear and precise about my concerns. I do not get annoyed when people respond to something I am doing. This site is all about support, motivation etc. Even if someone comes off as a know it all, people assume what ever the heck the want to assume. What's important, is I know the truth and what I am doing. I have done the research and what I do is not harmful to me. Not to speak in defense of anyone else causing harm to themselves. Because there are some that are doing massive harm to their bodies. It's hard to read that some people that responded, won't even attempt to help. Immediately judging the person with the assumption "oh they're starving themselves" DELETE. Really!!! That is sad!!! One person said, "she could have been sick and had no appetite for a few days" that is a possiblity. And yes, there are the obsessed anorexic on this site as well. But the bottom line is to support each other as best as we can. If you aren't willing to reach out or take comments, regardless of the type of comment, (and this isn't directed to you) then don't accept friends. Do it alone and just do what you have to for you, there's no law against that. When you make yourself available for the rest of the world to see, then people are always have something to say. Letting it get to you won't help your situation. So, if you (the questioner) are concerned, express it privately and be very precise about your concerns. Let her know that you have no intention to appear judgmental, you are just cocerned. If she is clear that she is aware of what she's doing, respectful send her a private message explaining that her destructive behavior is a bad influence on what you are trying to do to better yourself and you will have to respectfully decline her friendship. We are not Psychologist or Psychiatrist on here, perhaps some are, but anorexia is a psychological disorder and has to be treated professionally. You can talk until you are blue in the face, it won't make any difference. Reach out and we'll see what we see.

MeolaCharles

This lady couldn't have said it any better!
Yes. I do comment. I mean, after all, what are friends for if not to express concern? Besides, it's not like you have to become anorexic or starve yourself to support someone else who is. Nor do you have to support another in her abusive decisions. You simply have to have compassion and understanding.

When I comment, I don't allow concern to sound negative, critical or condescending. Instead, I pick something they are doing well, healthy, and praise it. And when I am truly concerned, I say so. I will write something to the effect, "I am concerned about you and your under-eating."

As far as I'm concerned, people who eat incredibly few calories may be anorexic in their thoughts and actions and don't need anymore criticism than someone who over-eats and is obese in her thoughts and actions.

Of course it could be that this person you speak of is not anorexic in her thinking but is simply believes that in reducing her calories drastically she'll lose the weight fast. And she just might lose weight that way, albeit unhealthy.

The thing is we all try in different ways. Some of us try to do things our own way and seek out people who support our thoughts and actions and quickly reject anyone who is not in line with our thinking. Others try by gravitating to any new fad out there. Still, I think most of us try through trial and error, by asking questions, doing research, being somewhat receptive to other people's suggestions and persistently changing our approach until something works for us.

Expressing concern towards someone you think is on an unhealthy path is a loving act of kindness. However, not everyone is receptive to these loving acts and can become defensive or worse, attack. Personally I seldom if ever allow other people's attacks against me prevent me from expressing my loving concern. That said, once I've stated my concern, I leave it up to the person what she wants to do with it. If she roots it out and throws it away, so be it. I'm not trying to 'change' her, merely bring her attention to what can be unhealthy.

If you express concern with the intention of being right, you'll never win anything. However, if you express concern with the intention of caring, you can never lose. And even if the person rejects your concern you still don't lose because you weren't trying to win anything in the first place. You will have been true to your intention - to express caring concern. Ultimately it's still up to her what she's going to do.

MeolaCharles

I love your response.

JohnnyNull

I'd say something, even if you feel you need to be gentle. That's a pretty unhealthy thing to do, at least over the long term. So I would not even consider not saying something. You're looking out for them. Now, if your advice is turned down, I'd clam up and drop 'em.

Toniteach

As someone who is on a doctor-supervised, with medical care (labs, etc) diet that is low carb and very low calorie (ketosis-invoking) diet, I would say not to mention anything to her, since you may not know the circumstances. Unless you know her personally and think she is in danger, then you make the call.

Great thread, great advice and discussions!

~Toni

ajbeans

I look at my friends' diaries when they close out for the day (most of the time). If I have a concern, I will point it out gently, or ask if they have a reason for doing things a certain way. If it's something that I feel is truly dangerous, I'll say so. I say my piece just one time. But at the end of the day, it's not my life. I try to applaud my friends for reaching their goals, even if I don't happen to agree with those goals. And if I feel that I truly just cannot support someone in their choices, I just remove them from my friend list. It's none of my business, and if they're happy, they're not going to listen to me anyway because I'm not a professional and I don't know their individual circumstances. It's not up to me to badger them into good health.

callipygianchronicle

I will comment, if it is a friend that normally eats well but suddenly has a low calorie day.

If it is someone who seems to under-eat daily, I leave no comments on their diary, period. The number of people who need to be on severe-calorie-restricted diets is far smaller than the number of people who practice this as a weight-loss technique.

Like others have stated, I tend to remove contacts who eat like this, as our goals and strategies are too incompatible for either of us to support each other. It’s not my job to police anyone else’s journey, but I am pretty protective over the kinds of influences I allow to come along on mine.