UNsupportive partner/spouse

MindyLynn77

So, 2 different days this week I text my girlfriend about wanting to eat something super bad but trying to make myself be strong and eat HEALTHY instead. I get no reply either time. So last night I asked her if she'd gotten the texts. Ofcourse she had. I asked why she didnt reply. She said "what am I supposed to say to that? you told me what you were eating for lunch.... ok" ..I said maybe be a little supportive huh? Her reply to that, "I dont tell you every time I eat a bag of chips do I? I'll just start saying awesome to everything you tell me".. So needless to say, I started crying, my feelings were hurt. I get that she doesn't understand what I'm going thru or how hard it truly is for me to eat and be healthy, she weighs 125 lbs and has NEVER struggled with weight issues. As I'm sitting there crying, I told her... If your dad, or your sister were to quit smoking, and they text you that they wanted a cigarette so bad but didnt smoke all day, youd SO be telling them how proud you are of them and you know it... Her reply to that "I've been supportive for you, I bought you the treadmill that you DIDNT use, I tried to be supportive in the past and it was just a waste of time. Do you realize how much time I'VE invested in you trying to lose weight?" And yeah, she's right. I have tried before, but I'm also 44 pounds lighter than I was when she met me, so I dont find it was "wasted" time, apparently she views it differently. So needless to say, I WILL NOT be going to her for support and encouragement thru this. And that seriously makes me cry, because no matter what, no matter how many times a person tries and fails, shouldnt the person youre in a relationship with BE there for you, NO MATTER WHAT??? I think that she thinks I'm going to fail again, so why bother. I don't want to say I'm gonna do this to prove her wrong, because I'm doing this all for ME, not for HER. I'd just like to know that if I need to cry, I can. If I need to vent, I can. I'm seriously putting forth an effort with this like I never have, and it's like, she just feels like, "whatever, youve said it all before"... I just want a little love and support and encouragement from my freaking girlfriend, and I DONT think I should have to ASK for it, she should WANT to be supportive of me!!!!!! Oh well, its whatever I guess..........

dlangenfeld

She's horrible...you need to find someone who supports you in WHATEVER you do. There is a blog on here I just read this morning about a husband who is supportive in everything she does. Read that. You deserve that. My husband would NEVER say anything like that to me. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HER!!!!

leilaphoenix

That sounds awful. No matter what is going on in your life, whether its work, personal or weight related your other half should be there to support you. It sounds like your gf doesn't really care - but maybe this is because your weight doesn't matter to her and she doesn't know how you feel about it or that it is important.

My boyfriend was initially very unresponsive to my "oooh I'm going to lose weight" conversations. But a few weeks in, he can tell I'm taking it seriously this time. Give it some time and prove to her that this is important to you and you are going to work at it - if she doesn't change her attitude then - well....then that's not good.

*hugs*

CoryIda

I posted my response to this issue in a blog a few weeks ago: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/CoryIda/view/it-s-up-to-me-76999

I'll also paste it here:

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I've heard a lot of people say they are struggling with their weight loss because their spouse doesn't support them. That is really unfortunate, but I wanted to share my perspective based on my experience.

I've been on this journey back to health since mid September and at first my husband just humored me. I honestly don't think he thought I could actually do this.

I met him 6 years ago and I quickly gained a LOT of weight (about 70 pounds). He's only ever known me as fat. Furthermore, he's fat, too. He likes pizza and ice cream and chips and seconds and thirds of his meals. I didn't do the pizza or ice cream because I am allergic to milk, but I certainly did other greasy, fatty foods in massive quantities.

I wasn't exactly the poster child for self control, so it's no wonder that he wasn't 100% behind me from the beginning. He didn't discourage me, which is nice, since some spouses do, but he didn't do a lot to help, either.

I think that's actually a good thing because it forced me to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my choices. I could choose to eat healthy, even if he didn't. I could choose to limit my portions, even if he didn't. I could choose to get my butt moving, even if he didn't.

When it comes down to it, our spouses/significant others are not responsible for our health. We are.

I've lost almost 65 pounds now (**Actually, as of today, it's almost 75 pounds), and my hubby is becoming more supportive and has even dabbled in getting healthier himself. He's not quite ready to commit, yet, but he is reaping some of the benefits of my lifestyle in that he really doesn't have a choice about eating healthier, since we really only keep nutritious foods in the house now and I'm the one who cooks. He even occasionally works out, though not often. Oh, and of course there's the bonus benefit of having a more attractive wife -- I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind that side effect.

I think that if I had relied on my husband to support me and challenge me to get healthy, I would have failed because, the moment he stopped pushing, I would have reverted back to my old habits.

Instead, I made the decision to get healthy and have acted on that decision by practicing self-control in what I eat and how I move my body.

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poustotah

I go through something similar with my husband. Before I got pregnant this time (i'm 7 months along), I lost 90 lbs. Well, it's become a big deal to me and at some point I had to stop and realize that this journey is truly about me and I don't need support from anyone. I also recognized that sometimes I do need someone to help me be accountable and that's come from sources outside of my spouse. If you need someone to vent to, feel free to send me a message. I'd be happy to help any way I can.

dlaplume2

I'll probably get lambasted for this one, But I think you should cut her some slack and have a heart to heart when you are both in a better mood.
It sounds like she has been supportive in the past and maybe she feels unappreciated. Maybe she was having a bad day and needed something for herself. We all have those days where we just need to B**** and we take it out on the wrong person.

I think you should thank her for the support she has given you in the past and tell her you appreciate it and you have lost 44lbs since you first met her. In the future tell her what you want. Sometime you just need to say it to someone to get it out and if you tell you want a bag of chips, you are just looking for her to help distract you.

Part of being best friends is communicating. You can't assume the other one will always read your mind. I hope you can work it out with her and get the support you need.

Best wishes.

mnaquin

It sucks that you have to go through that. But I hope you know that your family and friends are here to support you throughout this endeavor, we know that its important to you and you will succeed.

LorinaLynn

I'm with Corylda and Dlaplume2... It's too much of a burden for anyone to be accountable for your happiness or success. Having someone who always has your back is nice, but it's still all on you. You still need to make the choices to eat right and exercise, or sit on the couch and eat bon-bons. (Which, honestly, sounds like a perfect choice today, but I'm still going to get my tush to the gym in a bit.)

And you can do this. You're already doing it!

MindyLynn77

I know ya'll are.. And it means the world to me, so THANK YOU so much..... Youd think I'd have learned my lesson by now huh??? wtf am I thinking?!?!?!?!?! ugh... I know Ive got to get myself together....in EVERY way!!!....Im working on that

erisfreenici

My boyfriend doesn't really know how to respond when I say things like "God, I really just want to eat a Big Mac and large fries and wash it down with a large coke." He is proud of me in being more healthy, but I think that me saying the craving out loud makes him confused on how to respond. Really, I just want him to hold my hand and say "we'll make it through this together", but ultimately I have to make the decision on my own. He is not a stupid person, but sometimes he's just not in the right frame of mind to respond the way I want him to. And yes, I said *want* not *need*.

Hopefully your girlfriend comes around after she sees you putting your all into something. It also could be that she doesn't understand what kind of undertaking it is to cut calories, eat healthier and get your butt moving. To her, she eats what she wants and stays the same weight. Maybe have a calm talk when you're not angry, and try and communicate that to her. Hopefully she will meet you halfway and text back with "I know you can do this!".

kittyinaz

I think that's actually a good thing because it forced me to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my choices. I could choose to eat healthy, even if he didn't. I could choose to limit my portions, even if he didn't. I could choose to get my butt moving, even if he didn't.


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I COMPLETELY agree with this. My boyfriend is not unsupportive but he's not exactly supportive either. I think he didn't think I would do it since I had tried in the past and failed. This time I've come farther than all the other times and lasted 3 times as long. It took me a while because I kept waiting for him to be supportive and possibly even go on this journey with me.

It finally dawned on me that I have to separate my food choices from him and everyone else. If they are not on the journey with you, they want NO part of it because they want to eat their ice cream, fast food, pizza, etc. The sooner you can learn that you have to take control, the easier it will get.

I am very sorry to hear that you guys fought about it. I agree to talk about it when you're both in a better mood. I hope you can work it out

dekarlo08

So here's the thing... You know her, you know how she is. Why on earth did her response surprise you? I know you want her to care more and show more support but it's just not who she is. You keep expecting her to change and it's not gonna happen. You're not going to be doing this on your own and you know that. I love you and I'm here whenever you need me, but don't expect her to hold you up. That's your job!!!

mariaroslaug

Just my perspective.

I think you need to look at this as a challenge for you to learn how to be your own support. You cannot change other people or control their words or actions, but you CAN control the way you react to tough situations and tough conversations. It all ultimately comes down to yourself. You choose what you eat, regardless of the temptations or lack of support around you.

I'm absolutely sure that you'll be able to find that strenght inside you and I hope you'll succeed in your journey.

MindyLynn77

I dont feel like I NEED her support, but it would be nice to know that the person you are with has faith in you and believes in you.. I know I can do this on my own, because I am doing it for ME, but still, when I have a bad day, need to just cry and vent and let it out, SHOULDNT she be the one I do it with? Isnt she supposed to want to support me atleast emotionally if nothing else?? I am very fortunate that I have a VERY supportive family and VERY supportive friends that I KNOW will be there for me day or nite, and I am VERY thankful for that......... maybe ppl just dont view relationships the way I do.. I've been thru alot with and for my girlfriend, things that other ppl would have bolted a long time ago with, but I stuck it out, I supported her mentally, physically, and emotionally... I still do, every.single.day! And Mitzi, I know shes just that way, but the want for her to care will never go away, it just wont

michelegbowman

Hi Mindy,

I have a solution for you -- lean on your MFP friends for support with dieting. Tell the blog "ARGH! I really need a cheeseburger rightnow. HELP."

You will get lots of support.

Then lean on your GF for things that she can give you support on.

I understand how you feel. I felt like my mother should have been supportive of me, instead she is always trying to force food down my throat...and I tell her -- you're hurting me. So I just don't go around her house anymore, instead inviting her to mine -- where there is little to tempt me.

So my advice is -- go to the people you know will give you support in an area where you feel confident they will give it to you. Go to others for different things.

She bought you a treadmill -- that's supportive. SOunds like love to me. So I am not advocating you end your relationship -- just try to figure out for yourself who you can go to for specific help. Do you see what I mean?

and let me reinforce...everyone on MFP is sooooo supportive of your weight loss goals, challenges and so on. Come here when you need us.