Just want to scream

cbratthauer

It's times like now that I would normally sit down with some ice cream or chocolate of some sort and wonder what am I going to do now... My parents went through a divorce last spring, after being married for 25 years. It didn't end in a very civil manner. I love my mom don't get me wrong but I think she needs counseling, I think she's bi-polar (I used to be a psych major and I'm going off of what I have learned in the last 4 years). After she left my dad she moved to Alabama (we live in Iowa). Well I am getting married in September, and my parents agreed they were splitting the costs. I have nobody up here to help me with things an I'm doing it all alone. Neither parent would set a budget for me so I am trying to be as cost efficient as I can. But every time I need money for something I have to ask my dad because my mom just starts crying and says she doesn't have the money! She recently told me she could order favors and have them shipped to me. So this weekend I thought heck why not she's offering she must have the money set aside, so I gave her the website and how many to order thinking everything was good, right? WRONG! My dad calls me saying mom called him saying she doesn't have the money and can he send her the money for them and what is she talking about. So I explain to him what I need, to which he replies this wedding is getting expensive! Well yes it is because he's the only one that's been paying for things. So I start feeling bad and tell him I'll order the favors, which I can't afford because I have already footed the cost for quite a few things as well. I know he isn't upset at me, he tells me to order them and he will send the money. Before we get off the phone I can tell he's crying. I'm so irritated with my mom right now. To top it off I am going to start needing to pay people off in full and I feel bad asking my dad for all of this money. It's the only stressful thing about this wedding and I feel like I'm in the middle...

jsmith2377

I know how frustrating it is. My mom was the same way with my sister's and my wedding. She didn't help out financially but had a huge list of demands. She even refused to go to my sister's wedding a week before because she demanded to be the one to walk my sister down the aisle, not my dad. She ended up going but not before sending my sister into a major anxiety attack. I elopped after too much drama made me crazy. Just keep your head high and think about how much fun it will be on your wedding day, despite the drama. Go out and run as hard as you can until you're too exhausted to do anything else and take it one day at a time.

skinnylizzard

Geeze, what a mess, talk about bad timing for everyone to have a meltdown. Divorce can be very emotionally and mentally draining, especially after such a long time together. I was married 16 years and my kids were 12 and 9. Looking back now I can see how self absorbed I became just trying to deal with it all. I wasn't always there 100% for my kids and I feel very guilty about it now that they are grown. Your parents are going through some major adjustments right now, so it's hard for them to be focused on your big day.
I'm sorry you're dealing with all this.

ouryear002

I feel for you. It doesn't sound like your mother has the finances to be able to help you with this. I'm sure your mother wants to be able to support you. Try to find ways that doen't involve money for her to participate. I know every girl dreams of an amazing wedding, but it doesn't have to be expensive. A marriage is about the rest of your life, not one day. My husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves. We were married outside, so had no flowers except for the bouquet. Why compete with nature? We wore clothes bought off the rack. We had food and the wedding cake catered from the local grocery store. It was tasty, beautiful, and economical. We had a very small wedding with just family and a few friends. Everyone there has said it is the most beautiful wedding they have ever been to. I credit this to the love and sense of family present, not how fancy something was. Remember what the day is actually about when making decisions on purchases and you will be happier with your choices.

hwilliams519

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know that's got to be super stressful! I had to pay for my own wedding, and did not get help from my mom either. It was like pulling teeth just to get a little money for the photographer. I really don't know what to say. I'm a big bargain shopper, so I always watched for sales on the things I needed. And if you get a little creative, you can think of lots of ways to save on your wedding. And trust me, no matter what, it will be a wonderful & beautiful day!!!

andiimarie

Hang in there girl! I'm getting married on May 7 and am experiencing some stressful situations too. My fiance's family is extremely dysfunctional and he and I are paying for everything. I'm ready to just enjoy the day and be done with it. It sounds like both your mom and dad want to help, but unfortunately they are in a tough position right now too. What I have done to help keep costs down is recruit my bridesmaids and friends to help with as many tasks as possible, including craft projects for the flower girl dress, ring bearer pillow, welcome bags, etc. Making some of the things helps keeps the cost down and giving the girls some tasks takes a little pressure off of me. Also, remember it is about you and your groom, not the guests. The people that love and support you will show up no matter what the venue or favors or decorations.

jchecks

oh my gosh girl. im so sorry you're going through this. i just got married last year and i know how stressful everything is...and to put all of that on top - very sorry to hear about it chica. defintiely keep your head high. at the end of the day...no matter what you do...it will be the perfect day for you. just think about your future husband-this is your day...its something between you and him and it will be so special! your dad sounds like an amazing man - just let him know how appreciative you are of what he is doing as it sounds like he is going through a whole lot.
everything will work out and it will be a beautiful day for you and your hubby!

cbratthauer

I feel for you. It doesn't sound like your mother has the finances to be able to help you with this. I'm sure your mother wants to be able to support you. Try to find ways that doen't involve money for her to participate. I know every girl dreams of an amazing wedding, but it doesn't have to be expensive. A marriage is about the rest of your life, not one day. My husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves. We were married outside, so had no flowers except for the bouquet. Why compete with nature? We wore clothes bought off the rack. We had food and the wedding cake catered from the local grocery store. It was tasty, beautiful, and economical. We had a very small wedding with just family and a few friends. Everyone there has said it is the most beautiful wedding they have ever been to. I credit this to the love and sense of family present, not how fancy something was. Remember what the day is actually about when making decisions on purchases and you will be happier with your choices.

There's not much she can help with really because she is in Alabama... As far as the costs go, the main thing killing us is that we have over 500 people invited!! but 90% of those people are all family, we both have HUGE families! We have only invited our closest friends. I am cutting corners and going cheaper routes with a lot of things which I don't mind doing at all, it's just that gigantic guest list. That and the fact that my dad has paid for everything thus far makes it feel to him like it is costing more than it really is, and I do see his point as well. I think he didn't realize how much stuff actually costs because he's never had to do this before.

ouryear002

Wow! That is a huge wedding! That is going to hurt the pocket book no matter what you do. It might be a good idea to push your dad for a firm number to spend. You don't want to have any unpleasant surprises later when things can't be paid for. My heart goes out to you having to deal with family strife at this time. :flowerforyou:

Soupskin

I'm sorry to say this but if you mom is bipolar and not receiving treatment you cannot depend on her for anything. You can graciously accept whatever she does give you, but she cannot be relied upon. Not only is a bipolar's love very fickle, but their ability to manage finances is nonexistent.

Hang in there.

pearlsgirl96

It's times like now that I would normally sit down with some ice cream or chocolate of some sort and wonder what am I going to do now... My parents went through a divorce last spring, after being married for 25 years. It didn't end in a very civil manner. I love my mom don't get me wrong but I think she needs counseling, I think she's bi-polar (I used to be a psych major and I'm going off of what I have learned in the last 4 years). After she left my dad she moved to Alabama (we live in Iowa). Well I am getting married in September, and my parents agreed they were splitting the costs. I have nobody up here to help me with things an I'm doing it all alone. Neither parent would set a budget for me so I am trying to be as cost efficient as I can. But every time I need money for something I have to ask my dad because my mom just starts crying and says she doesn't have the money! She recently told me she could order favors and have them shipped to me. So this weekend I thought heck why not she's offering she must have the money set aside, so I gave her the website and how many to order thinking everything was good, right? WRONG! My dad calls me saying mom called him saying she doesn't have the money and can he send her the money for them and what is she talking about. So I explain to him what I need, to which he replies this wedding is getting expensive! Well yes it is because he's the only one that's been paying for things. So I start feeling bad and tell him I'll order the favors, which I can't afford because I have already footed the cost for quite a few things as well. I know he isn't upset at me, he tells me to order them and he will send the money. Before we get off the phone I can tell he's crying. I'm so irritated with my mom right now. To top it off I am going to start needing to pay people off in full and I feel bad asking my dad for all of this money. It's the only stressful thing about this wedding and I feel like I'm in the middle...

Hey there, I don't know if your mom has a good job or not but if your mom depended on your father for most of the household income then it is probably extremely hard for her to handle the little bit of money she has. My parents divorced when I was 17/18 right when I was graduating high school. It was horrible because even though my mother had a full time job her salary was very low (under 30K per year). Basically my mother was a housewife and stay at home mom. She did not go to college and only started working part time again when I turned 12 yrs old to help out with the bills. Other than that my dad "brought home the bacon". My parents were also married for 25 years as well until my dad decided to have an affair and I and my mother caught him. The divorce did not end too civilly either as my dad did not want to pay my mother much alimony nor did he want to pay for child support or my college tuition. The point I'm trying to make here is that when there is a divorce more often than not, unless both parents have good salaries that each can live off of independently, most people end up with huge financial issues after a divorce. And its usually the women who have the troubles more than men because traditionally women usually make less money thanks to our society. It may not be possible for your mom to afford a lot of things in her life even though she really, really wants to give you what you want. Maybe you should talk to her to get her to open up about it. She may feel really bad and embarassed as a parent that she doesn't have money to help you. If she is bipolar it may make things even harder for her to open up about it with so many emotions going on. Now... I'm saying this from a point of not knowing anything at all about your mom or other things she spends her money on so... You would know best. Just saying from what I have seen from my own parents divorce and other divorces it can be extremely tough for women both emotionally and financially. Its hard to go from knowing you have the support of another income from your spouse to being alone and the only one you can depend on for survival is yourself. It also requires a huge lifestyle change that no matter how disciplined someone is with spending can take a year or more to adjust to.

cbratthauer

It's times like now that I would normally sit down with some ice cream or chocolate of some sort and wonder what am I going to do now... My parents went through a divorce last spring, after being married for 25 years. It didn't end in a very civil manner. I love my mom don't get me wrong but I think she needs counseling, I think she's bi-polar (I used to be a psych major and I'm going off of what I have learned in the last 4 years). After she left my dad she moved to Alabama (we live in Iowa). Well I am getting married in September, and my parents agreed they were splitting the costs. I have nobody up here to help me with things an I'm doing it all alone. Neither parent would set a budget for me so I am trying to be as cost efficient as I can. But every time I need money for something I have to ask my dad because my mom just starts crying and says she doesn't have the money! She recently told me she could order favors and have them shipped to me. So this weekend I thought heck why not she's offering she must have the money set aside, so I gave her the website and how many to order thinking everything was good, right? WRONG! My dad calls me saying mom called him saying she doesn't have the money and can he send her the money for them and what is she talking about. So I explain to him what I need, to which he replies this wedding is getting expensive! Well yes it is because he's the only one that's been paying for things. So I start feeling bad and tell him I'll order the favors, which I can't afford because I have already footed the cost for quite a few things as well. I know he isn't upset at me, he tells me to order them and he will send the money. Before we get off the phone I can tell he's crying. I'm so irritated with my mom right now. To top it off I am going to start needing to pay people off in full and I feel bad asking my dad for all of this money. It's the only stressful thing about this wedding and I feel like I'm in the middle...

Hey there, I don't know if your mom has a good job or not but if your mom depended on your father for most of the household income then it is probably extremely hard for her to handle the little bit of money she has. My parents divorced when I was 17/18 right when I was graduating high school. It was horrible because even though my mother had a full time job her salary was very low (under 30K per year). Basically my mother was a housewife and stay at home mom. She did not go to college and only started working part time again when I turned 12 yrs old to help out with the bills. Other than that my dad "brought home the bacon". My parents were also married for 25 years as well until my dad decided to have an affair and I and my mother caught him. The divorce did not end too civilly either as my dad did not want to pay my mother much alimony nor did he want to pay for child support or my college tuition. The point I'm trying to make here is that when there is a divorce more often than not, unless both parents have good salaries that each can live off of independently, most people end up with huge financial issues after a divorce. And its usually the women who have the troubles more than men because traditionally women usually make less money thanks to our society. It may not be possible for your mom to afford a lot of things in her life even though she really, really wants to give you what you want. Maybe you should talk to her to get her to open up about it. She may feel really bad and embarassed as a parent that she doesn't have money to help you. If she is bipolar it may make things even harder for her to open up about it with so many emotions going on. Now... I'm saying this from a point of not knowing anything at all about your mom or other things she spends her money on so... You would know best. Just saying from what I have seen from my own parents divorce and other divorces it can be extremely tough for women both emotionally and financially. Its hard to go from knowing you have the support of another income from your spouse to being alone and the only one you can depend on for survival is yourself. It also requires a huge lifestyle change that no matter how disciplined someone is with spending can take a year or more to adjust to.

My mom actually has a better job than my dad does. My dad farms and really doesn't bring in a huge income after you subtract what he puts back into the farm. I think I actually made more than my dad this year. My mom moved to Alabama because she took a promotion. She works for the Corps of Engineers and got quite a large bonus when she moved. She also got quite a large alimony check from my dad. She bought a very fancy house in a very expensive neighborhood, but she spends her money on things she doesn't need. She has never been one to save she's always been one to spend. My dad was always the saver in our family. I believe this divorce hurt my dad financially more than my mom, but he has been the one to be there and help me with the wedding things. My mom was supposed to fly me to Alabama in March to help her pick out her dress, then one day called me crying because she didn't have the money to get the ticket. The ticket was not that much, it only cost $300 round trip, so I paid for it because I felt guilty. But that's what she does, that's what she's always done, she knows how to work people to make them feel guilty so she can get what she wants. Sometimes she will act like a five year old. I told her I didn't want to hurt her feelings but that I'd rather have my bachelorette party be friends only which turned into me not loving her or caring about her. I've been in therapy because of it before. It's like she messes with my head and I don't know how to stop it.

Soupskin

Sounds like some classic bipolar behaviors to me.

Might want to see if you can find a local support group for people with bipolar family members.

I intimately know everything you have described.

Stay well, focus on yourself, your fiance and your event. This is your time, don't let her take it away from you.

cbratthauer

Sounds like some classic bipolar behaviors to me.

Might want to see if you can find a local support group for people with bipolar family members.

I intimately know everything you have described.

Stay well, focus on yourself, your fiance and your event. This is your time, don't let her take it away from you.

I had never thought about looking for a support group, thank you for the advice!