Support means supportive right? Maybe not.

Kjarlune

So I have been sitting here for the last couple of hours reading posts. Some amazing...93 pounds in five months wow. You should be so proud. Some really not nice...Almost hurtful, and it brought me to a misunderstanding.

I get that we are all different, from different backgrounds. Have different goals, but a friend of mine told me once that it doesn't matter if you have 5 pounds to loose or 500 it all feels the same way.

We might all go about it a little different in order to get to our "perfectly healthy" selves but are we not all here doing the same thing?


Here we are all busting our butts, working hard, giving it our best and yet we pick and judge each other..

Whether you have 5 pounds or 500 it still feels the same. When you look in the mirror and you are not happy with what you see it feels the same. When you think you are not good enough because of how you look it feels the same. When you are too shy to share what you are really feeling it feels the same....

We are in competition every where we go, does it have to be here? I don't want to be judged here..DO YOU? I am not going to judge you...are you going to judge me? and if you are for what purpose? What great end result? How do you feel better hurting others? Making others feel stupid? Making others feel like even on a computer, in a program they have found to learn in, grow in and work on themselves in, they are still the geeks left to sit on the other side of the lunch room???

See here it should not matter how much money you make, who you sleep beside, what you do, or what you know. Here we are all equal...Here we are all trying to better ourselves. Learn from each other. We all need the support.

Whether we are here to loose 5 pounds or 500, we all feel the same way. We all have good days and we all have bad. Here we are equal, so why do we keep hurting people?


Just had to ask.....I thought support and motivation meant be supportive and tell them they can do it. I thought weight loss meant we were all doing it....

I won't judge, if you are here be proud....

kdao

LOVE this post!

baisleac

I'm happy to be supportive. But I refuse to be an enabler.

DiggerBenson

Hi Kjarlune,

I just read your post on supporting each other. Bravo!! to you. You hit the nail on the head. Perfectly stated. Losing weight and getting healthy is SUCH a struggle, and we all DO NEED to support each other.

And I support you and your message. I wish everyone saw things as clearly as you do.

jquinte4

So true!!! Thank you for posting this, I feel the same :flowerforyou:

Kjarlune

Enabling??? really....No one on here is better than anyone else....We all have bad days...You don't have to respond when you think someone is not doing what they should....

Teebowen

truth spoken and well said!!!!

LJCannon

When I first joined MFP, there was~~in my opinion~~ a LOT of Judging going on. Because of that I was not very active on the site, and I really almost quit this site completely. Luckily I found another site where I felt much more accepted and understood. I still dropped in here occasionally and left a comment or two on message boards and made a few Friends.
In the past few months I have noticed that there were a lot more Friendly people here, and I have been a lot more active
. The only problem now is that I spend too much time on the Computer:laugh:

DiggerBenson

Keep spending time on the computer, Jeannie! It is obviously working for you. What a wonderful, incredible, awesome weight loss!! You must feel soooo good about your progress.

Stay strong!

kdao

*sidebar*......you look AMAZING, congrats on your accomplishment of 173 pound loss.

When I first joined MFP, there was~~in my opinion~~ a LOT of Judging going on. Because of that I was not very active on the site, and I really almost quit this site completely. Luckily I found another site where I felt much more accepted and understood. I still dropped in here occasionally and left a comment or two on message boards and made a few Friends.
In the past few months I have noticed that there were a lot more Friendly people here, and I have been a lot more active
. The only problem now is that I spend too much time on the Computer:laugh:

cenafan

Supportive to me, means telling my friends if I think they are doing something unhealthy or harmful. Being a friend means being brave enough to say what you really think rather than giving a false high five. I believe completely in supporting people. But not if it means they are doing something that is not positive. And I expect the same from my friends.

Blanket woo hoos on "was under her calorie goal" is not always helpful or honest. If you saw that someone only ate 400 net calories that day would you say awesome to them? or would you be concerned?

Elzecat

I agree pretty much with everything you've written here...that being said, if someone posts publicly wanting help or suggestions, and then says no or refuses to even have an open mind to those suggestions that are made...it's kind of like, why did you post asking for help, if you don't want to listen? I think people get frustrated because they feel like they're wasting their time. If someone doesn't want to "go public" it is very easy on here to stick with a few friends and have private support.

I have to be totally honest and say that I get frustrated when people post how they are starving themselves or doing liquid diets and promoting truly unhealthy ways of losing weight. This site seems to be focused on health and fitness and that's where I keep my focus...I'm not trying to be judgemental, but I was there doing those liquid and starvation type diets when I very first started gaining weight in my 20s...I would lose weight briefly then gain it all back...and then some...they are unhealthy and I will be vocal when I tell people why I would stay away from those quick fixes.
(please note that I KNOW some doctors have morbidly obese patients do supervised liquid diets, that's a whole different situation and I am not referring to those select few)

Kjarlune

Supportive to me, means telling my friends if I think they are doing something unhealthy or harmful. Being a friend means being brave enough to say what you really think rather than giving a false high five. I believe completely in supporting people. But not if it means they are doing something that is not positive. And I expect the same from my friends.

Blanket woo hoos on "was under her calorie goal" is not always helpful or honest. If you saw that someone only ate 400 net calories that day would you say awesome to them? or would you be concerned?

I don't mean that at all....I am talking about judgement in posts...

Elzecat

Supportive to me, means telling my friends if I think they are doing something unhealthy or harmful. Being a friend means being brave enough to say what you really think rather than giving a false high five. I believe completely in supporting people. But not if it means they are doing something that is not positive. And I expect the same from my friends.

Blanket woo hoos on "was under her calorie goal" is not always helpful or honest. If you saw that someone only ate 400 net calories that day would you say awesome to them? or would you be concerned?

Thank you for saying what I was trying to say, only better

MochaMixAZ

I respectfully disagree... sort of.

The rest of my post does NOT apply to people who are intentionally hurtful for the sole purpose of tearing others down to try to build themselves up. I am not referring to the people who are spiteful, mean-spirited, or rude.

However.

I think support takes many forms. While we are all here to get healthier, we are NOT all the same. We do not have the same goals, pathways to get there, eating habits, exercise habits, or family. What is your stimulus to eat may or may not be mine. What makes you feel satisfied, happy, or safe most likely differs from does the same for me.

I do NOT find blanket "great jobs!" useful. I do not think it's helpful to see a "yay you" posted when my eating plan wasn't stellar, or when I made poor choices, or I skipped a workout. I DO appreciate constructive criticism that helps me keep my eyes on the prize. My friend list contains people who want the best for me, are compassionate, and WILL tell me, "Wow, you had a bad day today - tomorrow will be better. What's your plan to ensure it?"

Just the other day I changed my profile picture, and one of my mfp friends emailed me and asked, "Mocha - you look 'off' in your picture. I've noticed you're not tracking your foods like usual. What is going on?" Others commented that I wasn't giving 100% - what was going on? And while it may have stung at the time, that's what support looks like to me. I'm here to learn. I'm here for support. I'm here to here to have my diary judged (it's why it's open to all) and advice offered... and kudos provided when I'm doing great.

As for the bulletin board, well - they're public. Some people are just mean, others are just idiots, others are helpful, and others are supportive. You've got to be able to filter between the lot. I think you've got to have thick skin to be public (which, honestly, is what all this is). It's a risk, but hopefully it's worth it.

So, all said, while I respect your opinion I don't agree. Again, this is NOT including the people who truly are hurtful. But honestly, I just don't care what they think.... so I keep scrolling to someone I think can add value to my experience.

Best of luck to you.
D.

thomalr6180

very nicely put. :flowerforyou:

adellepuppy

I love this post. I have reached my goal as of a month ago. It's due in no small part to the support I got along the way here. When I did it right, I got applauded. When I stumbled, people picked me up almost before I'd posted the status. Support was public. It was private. Always it was genuine. Maybe I just lucked into an incredible group of friends.

I feel so strongly about the support I got and the success I feel in arriving at goal, that I have no intention of leaving this site. I'm staying til I cheer everyone of them on my list across their finish line.

I hear the arguments about enabling and calling people out. Sometimes you see things that are so far off it's painful. But then I have to remember that I probably presented the same thing myself too. And I probably will again. I know when I stumble there is some other reason - emotional, circumstances, wrong place and no time to find something better to eat. There are ways to redirect without confronting. For example, when I see someone go far out of bounds I'll pull out a vegetarian recipe and post it on my blog as a way to let the newsfeed show a better way.

We are here to be our best selves. And, hopefully, we are here to honor everyone else who's trying to do the same. We all arrived here to correct how we lived before. Of all the online communities out there, this is the only one I've ever seen with an honest common ground. And we should bring our love to it.

MochaMixAZ

I'm happy to be supportive. But I refuse to be an enabler.

I agree with you. It's not about being better than someone else, it's about being supportive and HONEST. I do think we have to be careful not to provide unsolicited advice. And I believe constructive feedback AND compassion are not mutually exclusive.

Kjarlune

I do not believe that one should be just respond with great job....I am talking about calling people stupid in a community post because of what they are doing. Judging someone when they have not asked for it.

Help means help it does not mean belittle..

You are right we are not the same...but it does not mean are struggles are not similar... It is great to respectfully disagree....that is supportive. Saying how we see it, not judging. huge difference...Just like we all did on this post. We are each others support system.

I have just seen so many nasty unfair hurtful posts.....

Adellepuppy...NICE reaching the goals...Love it.

Kjarlune

I'm happy to be supportive. But I refuse to be an enabler.

I agree with you. It's not about being better than someone else, it's about being supportive and HONEST. I do think we have to be careful not to provide unsolicited advice. And I believe constructive feedback AND compassion are not mutually exclusive.

Absolutely agree. When it is asked for.

donicagalek

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

If someone has an idea to be healthier and it isn't going to kill them I say let them do it. Encourage their spirit. EVEN if you know it will fail (unless they are specifically asking if you think it will work). When it fails, still be supportive of them and congratulate them on the lesson learned.

And there is no harm in telling someone WTG when their daily exercise consists of ten minutes of standing in place. If they LOGGED it then we have to assume that it's important to them. At least they went to the effort of coming here and making note so they have something to look back on and use to determine where their lifestyle needs adjustment.

Regardless, unless it's life threatening ANY time spent here putting interest in one's own health is NEVER a bad thing. If you need someone to support your new exercise regime of tapping your fingers during work or your new hot pepper diet - I'm with you. As long as you don't give up on yourself in the end.