It's all in my head...

stephding

It is so hard for me to just not starve myself. I've done it before and I have a terrible pattern. Starve myself for a couple of months, lose a nice amount of weight only to then binge to the point that I gain the pounds times 2. But it's so hard mentally to not just quit eating. It's easier to just ignore food than to balance it. I am finding this very very frustrating. So how did this begin?

I have been overweight since 3rd grade and dieting since then too. I started my starve/binge pattern then, which looking back, is very sad. So being slightly overweight, turned to being overweight, turned to being obese, turned to being morbidly obese. When I was 18 I weighed 140 (I am 5'0 tall), I starved myself got down to 120, binged went up to 160, had my daughter and was 170 (2002), starved myself got down to 150, binged got up to 200, starved myself got down to 180, had my son, went up to 270 (my highest in 2005), starved myself again got down to 240, which I stayed at. Had my daughter (March 2011) gained 1lb due to hyperemesis. Was 227 after having my daughter and am now at 225 and I just have this urge for some reason to starve. But with starving comes the inevitable binge. When I binge, I closet binge. I will eat in middle of the night, hide the evidence. I'll eat cold spaghetti o's straight from the can, bags of chips, anything I can get my hands on. If I wasn't so grossed out by vomit I'd probably purge. Yes, I've sought professional help before and this is the sole reason I have the strength right now to talk about this and not just simply start the starving process. But maybe, there are others who have experienced the same and I won't be alone out there in this journey that is just as much mental as it is physical.

mandyschalk

*sigh* I know exactly how you are feeling. I too have struggled with weight problems all of my life. I would go from over weight to not eating and being much too under weight, then I started to binge and binge and binge. I have also had three kids and gained just a crap ton each time. I was at my lowest in years right as I got preggers with my twins... Like 130 or something like that I shot up to 210 by th end of the pregnancy. Now 2 years later I reached 220.
I know that they urges to stop eating to lose a quick few pounds is strong and can be overwhelming and very convincing at time but just keep in mind that doing that does to thing: leads to binges and can put your body into "starvation" mode in which it stores fat.
I know that you can get over this it is so hard I know but you can totally do it! Reach out to those around you for support, let them know that you need it and may at times lean super hard on them.
Something else that I have had to do it pretty much get rid of all the snack stuff from my house, I will buy a treat for my self on occasion so that Im not depriving my self of the goodies but then it makes it much harder to go on a binge.
Stay strong!

tashajasmine

I'm sorry to read about your struggles. I promise you aren't alone. Keep moving forward and stay on this path. You're doing good.

JMRGrant

Hang in there! This is a great site and the support here is wonderful. I've been over weight all my life and have yo yo dieted (without starve/binge but with every weight loss "thing" you could find to include diet pills) for years! MFP and all the support it proves has helped me greatly. I'm eating healthier and excerising (never, never did that before) and have currently lost 21 lbs. I log faithfully every day! Please try to stick with us here - I think you'll find success in a healthy way. GOOD LUCK!

jennfur

I don't think I've ever been to the point where I can literally starve weight off myself... I love food way too much. But in my severe down times, I have been known to purge when I feel guilty for what I've eaten.. even if I had 4 oz of chicken and a small salad, it's in my head, I'll have a depressing week and suddenly feel like the fattest person alive and be so grossed out with myself that I'll force myself to throw up.

I've bought snacks and goodies and hidden them throughout the house or in my car and then stuff my face when my husband isn't around. I've gone on a grocery trip by myself just so I can sneak in some ice cream or a candy bar.

I'm doing MUCH better now. I got a gym membership at the local YMCA. As of a month ago I'm doing Body Pump classes 2x a week to build the muscle that will burn the fat. Now that I've gotten my strength up, I've started spin class this week. Yesterday was my first day, and I hurt, but I'm forcing myself to go back tomorrow.

Losing weight feels good, regardless of how you accomplish it, but honestly, after years of up and downs (since I had my son 3 1/2 years ago) I finally realized how sick it was making me to be treating my body like that. I am also diabetic so weight loss is super tough. The high I get from realizing I am building muscles and making my body better in a HEALTHY way, is just amazing. Honestly, it sounds like you need a good support group. I am trying to involve myself more in the myfitnesspal community to have that extra push and motivation, but it also helps to take group classes or find a workout buddy.. some people that will hold you accountable and tell you they WILL see you tomorrow, so that you can't just say, aww I don't feel like it.

You can get past the mental part of it!

jasonroeser

Its not easy to open up like that, good for you, that's a big first step. I think the name of the game here is slow and steady wins the race. The first day and days will be the hardest, as your body gets used to the dietary change it will get easier, not easy...easier. There are a lot of really good low cal/healthy foods available these days, way better than it used to be. Plus stay active and earn more calories. Just stay in the game one day at a time, You Can Do It!!!! - J

JulieF11

Dear Steph,

Are you another me... perhaps?? I am so there with you!!! But I think I am getting the hang of this... I'm at the point in my life where I have just HAD it with the nonsense! I know better! It's a sick mind game we are playing. It's really no surprise though... an eating disorder is an eating disorder regardless of whether you eat too little or too much. Purging, binging, starving... it's all a mix of the same issue of control and handling our feelings.

Wanna get better????

TRUST this program. It really works... Eating the allotted calories daily is the only way you can make this a lifelong plan. You already know that. One thing that I've done, is I'd eat practically nothing all day and then binge at night! How stupid is that?!? I ruined a whole day being in pain, angry, and hungry, and then blew it at night! We know better don't we?!? Yep. If you want to make a lasting change Steph, you can, but you need to do what the experts are telling us to do. But you can save enough calories each night to have a "real" sweet... like a guilt free sundae, or piece of pie! You can! How do you think those skinny B*!#@s are able to eat like they do? It's because they learned the secret... that ONE splurge was it for the day, or the weekend, if the case may be.

You are on the right track! You wouldn't have posted that if you weren't. You are going to do it right this time... a lasting change. Read posts from those who have lost over a hundred pounds or so, and kept it off for years. I know a couple of people personally who have lost a ton of weight and kept it off. Meanwhile, I knew better and kept it on! Yes, they ate their calories, I starved myself and then binged. I'm ready to try it the right way... are you?

stephding

Thanks for the support everyone.. I was having a really really bad day yesterday. Had a job fall through, wasn't seeing results and my husband is dropping pounds like it's nothing. Today will be a better day!