Spousal Sabotage!

BeyondApril

I am trying to lose just 7 more lbs. by June 23rd. I am having foot surgery June 24th and will be off my feet for 4-6 weeks, and unable to hit the gym.

My issue is the feeling that my husband seems to always be trying to sabotage my efforts to eat healthy. He does not care too much about what he eats ie: he thinks eating 1/2 the fat ice cream is as much as he needs to do to be healthy. (He's not all that healthy! ) I am 47, and we have been married over 25 years, and our marriage is great but this is a sticking point with me!

He does not like that I go to the gym or that I eat healthy. He does not actually say it to me, except if I say "Oh, I'm stopping at the gym after work" he might say "Again???" like I am there 24/7, when actually I am lucky if I make it there 2x a week. When we go out to eat, if I order fish and ask that my potato takes a hike and get double veggies and can they be steamed, he rolls his eyes and says "Oh, eating that crap again!" It is getting very old.

I just don't understand his issue with this. Well, I understand a little. He is always saying "I don't like scrawny women" - well, I am 5'2" and just would like to be in the high 120's, so certainly not scrawny. Healthy and strong is where I would like to be! I could stay at the weight I am at and be fine, but I know when I am recovering from the surgery he will be buying me ice cream and other treats to "make me feel better" because that is how he copes. I will eat (somewhat) what he gives me, so I am sure the weight I lose will go right back on, but that is ok.

I spend plenty of time with him, and we are going away alone again this weekend to a beautiful hotel (where they have a fantastic fitness room). I just would like to hear from other women who perhaps get the same reaction? He does encourage me in other areas (like going back to school at night), but this is important to me and I really enjoy the gym and working out. He refuses to go to the gym with me, or even for a walk. It's always too hot, too cold, too damp, etc.

HELP!

TLC1975

I had a similar spouse(we aren't together anymore)...he sabotaged me for 10 yrs...whether it was getting healthy or going back to school..he too would comment and accuse every time i wanted to exercise or eat healthy..he kept me 50lbs overweight..for the longest time I couldn't figure out why he didn't want me to improve myself, want me to be happy...in the end it destroyed us, and what he had being fearing all along came to light, he was scared of losing me, scared of me wanting more than him...
Unfortunately, your hubby seems very insecure, and you eating well and getting fit scares him, why I don't, but I don't think he will change that behavior unless he realizes what he is doing and gets some help..sounds like a self esteem issue.

Good Luck, stay strong and be who you want to be!

tiger87lilly

It's difficult when the people we care about don't get it. Although my husband is very supportive of my journey he some times feels left out....this could be what your husband is feeling. Now with that said I have invited him to the gym with me and he always has an excuse. I know he wants to get back in shape, he's always been active and fit up until recently....(new job, stress, turned 40). As easy as it is to say it's their issue it's not! I know that our spouses what the best for us however they are only human andhave conflicting emotions.....esp when they see us changing and that can be scary.

Well not sure if that helps but know you're not alone.

Nikstergirl

I think you both need to sit down face to face and talk this out! Tell him how it makes you feel when he says and does some of these things. He might not even realize how much he hurts you! Sometimes people we love just don't like change and it scares them a little. Tell him (again if needed) that you're doing this to get healthy so you can live a long and happy life for him! That he has no reason to worry or be threatened, but rather that you would like to do it together so you can enjoy the rest of your life together! It's hard for me too, my hubby is OTR truck driver and about 100 pounds too heavy, but doesn't seem to care! When we are both home, I exercise on schedule, which he's supportive of, and when we eat he asks "what can you eat" and I'm like.. whatever I want!!!! We go out a lot when he's home because neither of us feel like cooking and cleaning up, so I eat a lot of healthy stuff but he never belittles me. I encourage him to try new things, but he hasn't been willing as of yet. I'm still hopeful.

Communication is totally key here. Maybe even before you go away this weekend. That way you can both enjoy the time together and not have this conversation looming overhead! Good luck!

missy1970eb

agree he's probably feeling insecure

ColinJStewart

Hi

I know you wanted to hear from women in a similar situation, but I thought I'd share my experiences as I am ashamed to admit I had a similar issue to your husband in a previous relationship, which I identified after I took counselling.

What is clear is that your husband considers your decision to be healthy as some sort of threat to his lifestyle. This could just be simply that he isn't spending as much time with you as he wants, or that he feels limited in the foods he can eat at home. Perhaps he feels under pressure to join in and change himself.

Or it could be something else. For me, and I am ashamed of this, I felt that my ex-wife's drive to lose weight was in some way linked to her wanting to be attractive to other men. All in my head and I ddodn't really have any grounds to doubt her, but I felt it anyway. By 'keeping' her overweight I was, in my head at least, ensuring that she would not stray.

It's a terrible thing to admit, but I did feel at the time that it would be better (for me) for my ex to be overweight and miserable than to be slimmer/fitter, happier and more outgoing (and risk losing her). Naturally this was not a healthy state of mind and we divorced. I took counselling after the divorce so I could explore my feelings towards my ex and try and identify the root of my insecurities. Ultimately it boiled down to trust on my part.

Thankfully for me I am now in my second marriage and in the happiest place. The trust issue has disappeared. My wife started a health program in March, and I am delighted that she is not only losing weight, but getting out more (I am seeing her less) and she is happier with herself. A big step. I may have been with the wrong person before, but I think I've made a lot of progress to address my insecurities.

Very best of luck. I hope you are able to come to a happy resolution.

jmathews

I could have written your post!!! My husband and I aren't on the same page at all...heck we're in different books! I try to communicate but it's not well received AND it gets old having to revisit the subject every few months.
The funny thing is the more fit I become the more insecure he gets. I just keep trying to encourage him and that's all I feel that I can do at this time. If I say something about his portions I get the rolled eyes. It would be nice for him to throw a compliment my way every now and again instead of hearing it from my friends. I'm always having to draw one out of him. Maybe he doesn't like how thin/fit I've become...

ItsCasey

Or it could be something else. For me, and I am ashamed of this, I felt that my ex-wife's drive to lose weight was in some way linked to her wanting to be attractive to other men. All in my head and I ddodn't really have any grounds to doubt her, but I felt it anyway. By 'keeping' her overweight I was, in my head at least, ensuring that she would not stray.

This is probably the root of it, since you say your husband is not very healthy himself. He may think that because you're making the effort to get healthy and he isn't, that someday someone else will catch your eye, and you'll wonder what you're still doing with this man who doesn't seem to care about his body or his health. My dad went through this when my mom lost 50 lbs a few years ago. He didn't mind other men noticing her, but he did worry that she was going to lose interest in him.

If your husband is not the jealous type, it could also be that you are a constant reminder to him that he's not making good decisions for his own body and his own health, and he feels guilty about it when you say you're going to the gym or when you order a healthy meal at a restaurant. He knows he should be doing the same things, but he just can't bring himself to do it.

Lastly, I would say that men, in general, just don't like change unless it's a change THEY decided to make. Men like stability in their lives. They like to be in control of what's happening to them and around them. Seeing you change (physically, mentally, emotionally) probably scares him because he knows you're doing it without him ... without his help, without his advice, without his "permission." (Not that you need his permission to lose weight, but you're obviously doing it despite the fact that he's not supporting you, and that likely makes him feel powerless).

ColinJStewart

jp2122 - I think you just described my insecurities much better than I could!

BeyondApril

Wow, thank you all so much for your posts!

I should point out that while this whole situation can get annoying, mostly I just tolerate it - it's not going to be a relationship breaker, I am just trying to understand it.

Yes, it has crossed my mind that he is a bit insecure about this. I have tried to reassure him that I am doing it for the HEALTH aspects, and also to look better to HIM, but he does get jealous. Also, we do not talk about it very much, but I am younger than him by 11 years, so I am sure that crosses his mind that I will be noticed by and attracted to somebody else.

Colin, good for you that you were able to identify a problem, address it, and do some work to correct your issues! Your lucky 2nd wife gets the perfected model, so to speak!!

I will continue trying to get him to join me at the gym, and offerring healthy choices along with the standard "comfort food" fare that he prefers. Who knows, one of these days he may surprise me. I try not to say anything to him about fat content or portion size - he has made it clear that he is happy with his size and I should be too.

I love him to death, and hopefully he will remember that I have had various health issues for which I carefully watch what I eat. (I've had gout, kidney stones, gall stones, and get migraines, so I watch my rich foods, fats, sodium, and I don't eat chocolate).

And yes, Jmatthews, it would be nice to get a compliment now and then. I'd respond much better to "hey, nice butt!" than to "I like you better with love handles for me to grab onto"!! LOL!