People are treating me differently... sad but true

SolidGoaled

This has been a recent shock for me, too. I've been overweight most of my life, so I never really knew what it felt like to be "checked out" all the time. But now that I've lost 80 lbs, it happens a lot, and it is very uncomfortable.

I was in Best Buy the other day for a grand total of 10 minutes, and during that time, FOUR different sales guys came over and started hitting on me. One of them was particularly obnoxious and proceeded to stand half an inch away from me the whole time he was talking to me. Even when I would take a step back, he would move closer. By the time I left the store, I truly felt nauseated. I don't like that sort of attention at all.

Yah... you know, we were out with friends last weekend and someone that should NOT have been "checking me out" was DEFINITELY checking me out.... and I was checking right back, just for the fun of the game. I am not used to that kind of attention at all.

xtina1982

When I was in 8th grade, I lost 10-15 pounds, dropping from 130 to 115 and finally leveling out at 120.

It was as though I had appeared out of thin air. Classmates who had ignored me - some cruelly, some just not even realizing i was there - suddenly wanted to talk to me, get to know me. Boys started paying attention to me.

And that's a sad reality that I had to internalize at a very young age: it does matter. It shouldn't - I was still the same person, even 10 pounds lighter - but it did. Cue the therapy-worthy self image issues. :grumble:

I'm incredibly lucky to be with my husband...he's seen me at all stages of my life and loves me no matter what I look like, and supports whatever I need to do to be happy with myself. So at the very least I've got that going for me.

OP, no ground breaking insights here - just commiseration. I really feel for you; it's weird and sad and kind of yucky. BUT - be proud of yourself, and as others have said, if friends are going to be jealous and snippy about what you're accomplishing here, it may be time to let them phase out of your life.

Best of luck, and keep up the good work! :flowerforyou:

ItsCasey

I am starting to look different - really look different. And, I feel exposed or something - like I"ve been hiding behind a big curtain. Not to sound dramatic, but this is really how I am feeling. I have a lot of confused feelings right now. I really need to keep focusing on the weight loss because I can tell if I let it, this fear could get the best of me and ruin this.

I feel the exact same way. I have changed a lot in the past 15 months, and not just physically. It has been a scary thing because I don't know where it's all going. It's almost like I don't know this person I have become (or, more accurately, the person who was always hidden inside the fat girl). I'm not in "mourning" for my old self, but I am not comfortable yet with all the ways I have changed.

Two things in particular that I worry about: becoming too self-involved and becoming arrogant, either about the way I look or about what I've accomplished. I devote so much of my time to choosing and preparing the right meals and to working out that I often feel guilty about not taking enough of an interest in what's going on with my friends and family. They don't really understand what I'm going through. They've been supportive, but I know there are times when they're annoyed and thinking I'm obsessed. And while I definitely have not reached the arrogant stage yet (I still think of myself as a chubby girl, even though I know I am not), I do find myself looking at random overweight people and thinking "Is that what I looked like?"

Even on MFP, I see threads like "People with 60+ pounds to lose," and I think "Yeah, that's not me anymore," and it's surreal. Or I see before/after photos now, and I think "Yep, I've pretty much done the same thing," whereas they used to really inspire me and make me think "I can do that!" Well now, I have done it, and it's just strange to think about. My mind is still way behind my body.

JennsLosing

Yeah, I notice this, too. I'm 100% introverted, so the attention makes me a little uncomfortable. Probably one reason I didn't mind gaining the weight in the first place.

I have a friend who has told me she's jealous... but when I try to talk to her about how I'm doing it and how it can work for her, she just rolls her eyes or dismisses me.

that doesnt really sound like a friend.

SolidGoaled

Does anyone else find themselves putting off things they want to do until they lose "even more" weight? I have friends I'd like to visit - places I'd like to go - social situations I'd like to be part of - but I feel like I am putting it off until I lose a little more and move further away from my fat version of myself. Wierd???

donicagalek

I don't know if I repeated because, um, the replies are really long and, um, well...Ok:

1. Wait until someone throws the same insults at you now that they threw at you a million pounds ago. That's funny when it happens. It's like, oh, ok - so calling me an ugly fat*ss just means that I p*ssed you off? Really? X-D

2. You'll be so disappointed but not when you fit into a "little black dress" and expect the world to turn their head and it doesn't happen. There's a reason for this. It's because it looks good and natural on you now. :-D Seriously. The first time I went out in public in the dress in my profile pic (which is knee length) I felt just *naked* because I've never worn anything like that in public. It wasn't a biggie though.

ItsCasey

Not weird. I'm not that way anymore because I'm so close to my goal now, but I definitely went through a phase where I didn't want to do certain things until I had lost more weight. For instance, my family wanted to take a big family photo last summer when we went on vacation, but I begged my mom to wait until Christmas because I didn't want to be fat in yet another family photo. I also found myself not wanting to be seen in public whenever I went back to my hometown to visit my parents and other relatives. I didn't want anyone I knew in HS to see me and think "wow, she really got fat."

There are plenty of other things I do now, without hesitation, that I wouldn't have done before. It's pretty amazing how we limit ourselves because of our weight. We don't want other people to judge us by our "covers," but we do it to ourselves all the time.

CalPolyBronco

It is true. You're absolutely right. You're going to get different attention from different kinds of people when you're "thinner" then when you're heavier. I remember back in high school & post-high school for a few years when I was a normal weight. I *felt* personally that people approached me more easily & I felt like heavier people hated my guts. I would talk to people in class and I just sort of felt like I was hated b/c I was, well....healthy I guess....after I put on about 100 lbs from my lowest weight. ALL kinds of different people talked to me w/ease. Those same people that used to ignore me started to trust me and started talking to me. It's weird but....it's almost as if they felt like I had no personality before & after the weight gain I suddenly did? I was sort of offended on every level when I gained weight. Worst of all I was hating myself for who I had become...why had I let myself go? Why are people so strange about heavy vs thin weights?? After I lost around 35 lbs last year and a little more this year I've currently lost 40 + lbs. About 1/2 way until goal. Again....people are starting to change ( a little ) and I am having different people talking to me b/c what, now I'm more approachable again? It's weird....it's REALLY weird....just know that people that really love you will be with you through thick and thin (no pun intended).....

ItsCasey

I admit to having misconceptions about thin, pretty people when I was fat. It was especially hard being on a college campus full of beautiful sorority girls and hot frat guys. I just assumed they were all shallow and that appearances were all that mattered to them, but I became friends with several of them, and they didn't care at all that I was overweight. They thought I was cool, and I eventually got over myself. One guy even told me he had recently lost 90 lbs, which blew my mind and totally changed the way I viewed him (i.e. as a nice guy and not someone who is probably a jerk just because he's good-looking). And that was just as wrong on my part as it is for a pretty person to assume that someone who is overweight isn't worth noticing.

myofibril

Finally, whilst I can completely understand why some women in particular are longing to be noticed once they lose the weight but I can assure you it is not all its cracked up to be. Too much attention is just as bad as none at all. In fact it can be worse. I know from women I have known that beauty can be more of a curse than a blessing. There's a lot to be said to for being just ordinary and happy...

I want to hear more about this ^^^^^^^ Care to elaborate?

Sure. People see the upside of being slim and attractive, and let's face it there are lots of them. Getting more attention, generally being treated better, getting invited to all the cool parties.

What a lot of people forget is that there are also plenty of downsides. The grass is always greener? No, the grass is just different. What if all that attention becomes oppressive? That you can't go anywhere without someone hassling you or trying to pick you up. Or people being uneccessarily nasty to you because they perceive you must be arrogant or full or yourself. Or having difficulty finding or maintaining a relationship because people feel intimidated by your outward appearance and not seeing you for the person you actually are under the skin..

I have known some very, and I mean very, beautiful women in my youth simply due to the social circles I mixed in. Look behind the veneer or glitz and glamour and you will find a lot of loneliness and unhappiness. Not in all cases but in many and it is heartbreaking. The problem is that unless a person has a strong and clear sense of self, and understand who they are as a person and what they believe in it is easy to be conditioned by your environment and the way people react to you. This can cause a whole host of issues where you become distanced from the person you want to be at heart due to external influences.

Losing weight isn't the end of the journey. It is just the beginning....

SolidGoaled

Finally, whilst I can completely understand why some women in particular are longing to be noticed once they lose the weight but I can assure you it is not all its cracked up to be. Too much attention is just as bad as none at all. In fact it can be worse. I know from women I have known that beauty can be more of a curse than a blessing. There's a lot to be said to for being just ordinary and happy...

I want to hear more about this ^^^^^^^ Care to elaborate?

Sure. People see the upside of being slim and attractive, and let's face it there are lots of them. Getting more attention, generally being treated better, getting invited to all the cool parties.

What a lot of people forget is that there are also plenty of downsides. The grass is always greener? No, the grass is just different. What if all that attention becomes oppressive? That you can't go anywhere without someone hassling you or trying to pick you up. Or people being uneccessarily nasty to you because they perceive you must be arrogant or full or yourself. Or having difficulty finding or maintaining a relationship because people feel intimidated by your outward appearance and not seeing you for the person you actually are under the skin..

I have known some very, and I mean very, beautiful women in my youth simply due to the social circles I mixed in. Look behind the veneer or glitz and glamour and you will find a lot of loneliness and unhappiness. Not in all cases but in many and it is heartbreaking. The problem is that unless a person has a strong and clear sense of self, and understand who they are as a person and what they believe in it is easy to be conditioned by your environment and the way people react to you. This can cause a whole host of issues where you become distanced from the person you want to be at heart due to external influences.

Losing weight isn't the end of the journey. It is just the beginning....

Thank you so much for explaining - I have been checking all day to see if you expanded yet. Lots and lots to think about. Were you also overweight once? I am intrigued.

myofibril

Thank you so much for explaining - I have been checking all day to see if you expanded yet. Lots and lots to think about. Were you also overweight once? I am intrigued.

Yes, I was overweight as a kid until a discovered weights and rowing in my mid teens. The "puppy" fat came off quickly after that and I have had a reasonably good physique for most of my adult life. There have been a few short term blips along the way which tied in with periods of acute stress but I never reached the stage where I was considered overweight and the excess weight never hung around for too long

Losing a significant amount of weight over a short time frame at such a young age was bewildering. I was still exactly the same person on the inside but the way I got treated changed dramatically. In reality it took me many years before my mind and body synchronised but after that my confidence rocketed and has remained in a very good place ever since. Sometimes I wonder if I now just have a little too much of the stuf...

I am happy and content being me. My life is ordinary but there is a lot of beauty and wonder in day to day life which routinely gets overlooked in our quest for bigger and better. The celebrity lifestyle which so many seem to aspire to is simply a facade. People are just people, be they famous or not, beautiful or plain, rich or poor. They have the same fears and insecurities if you can look beyond the surface.

meganjbennett

What a very intersting thread! I have found sort of the opposite to be true that many would expect. I have found people to be friendlier when I am heavier than when I am slim...to a certain point. When I am 20-30 lbs overweight strangers are much more chatty and friendly and even men are more relaxed around me. When was much thinnner, I think (as someone said earlier) that people assumed I was full of myself and people invited me out less because they said they assumed I was busy! My male patients seem much more comfortable around me. I don't know if this is one reason I haven't put much effort into losing weight over the past year or so, but it is a strange observation. I don't think my personality is any different either way. I am a few years older than I was when I was thinner so I wonder how that plays into it as well.

SolidGoaled

. In reality it took me many years before my mind and body synchronised but after that my confidence rocketed and has remained in a very good place ever since. Sometimes I wonder if I now just have a little too much of the stuf...

Ha ha! I love this... so how do you know when you have a little too much of that great stuff called "confidence"?

MyNameIsNotBob

Yeah, I notice this, too. I'm 100% introverted, so the attention makes me a little uncomfortable. Probably one reason I didn't mind gaining the weight in the first place.

I have a friend who has told me she's jealous... but when I try to talk to her about how I'm doing it and how it can work for her, she just rolls her eyes or dismisses me.

that doesnt really sound like a friend.

No, it doesn't, does it? But I think it's really just dissatisfaction with herself.

myofibril

. In reality it took me many years before my mind and body synchronised but after that my confidence rocketed and has remained in a very good place ever since. Sometimes I wonder if I now just have a little too much of the stuf...

Ha ha! I love this... so how do you know when you have a little too much of that great stuff called "confidence"?

It's actually quite difficult to explain. Most of it is belief in myself leading to a lack of self consciousness and being at ease in situations. My actions seem to flow naturally without me having to overthink them and they are congruent with how I view myself. I'm just....me.

Don't get me wrong. I do have moments of self doubt and I can be monumentally arrogant and blunt at times but that is very much the minority

This has been a fascinating discussion (now why do I think that when the conversation turns to being about me I wonder?) but it's late here in the UK. A boy needs his beauty sleep. I don't stay this pretty by accident you know...

Stay strong.

M.

Tree72

I definitely know how you are feeling. It wasn't all that long ago that I was having similar fears and questions going through my head. Fortunately I have a very good friend I could talk to about all of it. He helped me realize that it would all work out ok.

I definitely wondered, and still do, how much of the people-treating-me-differently is due to how I look versus how I act. I know that I'm generally a lot more friendly myself, not just because I weigh less but because I exercise regularly now. Regular exercise has a huge impact on my mental outlook. And I think of myself differently now, which probably shows. It's not a very nice way to put it, but I think of myself as "normal fat" now rather than somehow unacceptable. I still have no idea how it will feel to be a completely normal, healthy weight. That worries me sometimes, but you can only live life one day at a time. There's no point in dwelling on it at the moment.

So, know that you aren't alone. Many of us obviously have similar fears and questions. And take it as a positive sign. You decided to make changes in your life because you weren't happy as you were. This is a sign that it's a real change, you are now thinking differently. It may seem strange and a bit scary at first, but you'll eventually grow accustomed to the "new" you.

Cella30

This has been a fascinating discussion (now why do I think that when the conversation turns to being about me I wonder?) but it's late here in the UK. A boy needs his beauty sleep. I don't stay this pretty by accident you know...

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

SolidGoaled

. In reality it took me many years before my mind and body synchronised but after that my confidence rocketed and has remained in a very good place ever since. Sometimes I wonder if I now just have a little too much of the stuf...

Ha ha! I love this... so how do you know when you have a little too much of that great stuff called "confidence"?

It's actually quite difficult to explain. Most of it is belief in myself leading to a lack of self consciousness and being at ease in situations. My actions seem to flow naturally without me having to overthink them and they are congruent with how I view myself. I'm just....me.

Don't get me wrong. I do have moments of self doubt and I can be monumentally arrogant and blunt at times but that is very much the minority

This has been a fascinating discussion (now why do I think that when the conversation turns to being about me I wonder?) but it's late here in the UK. A boy needs his beauty sleep. I don't stay this pretty by accident you know...

Stay strong.

M.

Wow... thanks for keeping up with the thread today. I want my actions to relect who I am - I am not sure how to check that? I do find myself doubting conversations I have, actions I take, things I say... very very often. Goodnight.

SolidGoaled

You know, I wonder how many good friendships I've lost out on through the years because I've been afraid to put myself out there just to get rejected - because of course (I would think to myself), no one would want to be friends with a slob like me.

I'm not saying no one would have wanted to be friend with me - I am saying, that was what I THOUGHT so I didn't bother to try. It will be interesting to see how I perceive myself a year from now.

justsummie

Does anyone else find themselves putting off things they want to do until they lose "even more" weight? I have friends I'd like to visit - places I'd like to go - social situations I'd like to be part of - but I feel like I am putting it off until I lose a little more and move further away from my fat version of myself. Wierd???

No, this makes "sense" at least emotional sense. For people who are significantly overweight being fat can be like an emotional safety-net. (Think people don't like you? Blame the fat. Didn't get the job? Blame the fat. Afraid to socialize/go back to school/leave the house? Blame the fat.) Once the fat is gone there are no excuses left and it's up to us to face our fears.

There are even psychological theories that suggest people subconsciously gain weight on purpose so to avoid such circumstances. It's like literally building a wall (with your body) to keep people out.

I think it's something that most introverted people really have to work on after a huge weight loss. I know I do.

SolidGoaled

Bumping cause its so darn good...

JennyJogger

I've experienced this too, so don't feel alone! It was really weird the first time someone made a big deal about my weight loss, I felt so uncomfortable, & they were just being nice. For example, I went into the salon where my sister works to get a haircut & when I was walking to her chair she said "Look at how much weight my sister has lost!" to all of her co-workers (who had clients in their chairs) & then they all started staring at me. My sister was just proud of me, but I was shocked by how naked I felt. When you keep losing weight and looking better, people are going to notice, comment, & in some cases treat you differently, it definitely takes getting used to! Hang in there

kaymac1908

On previous weight loss attempts I got comments a couple of times from "friends" who insisted that I would just put the weight back on. One person told me I was not "built to be thin". Unfortunately I believed them, but there are always more chances to do things better as long as I am breathing and I am not accepting negativity any more.

The people who truly care for you will celebrate your success with you and support you if you should happen to fall. Keep your head up and "do you"!

MyNameIsNotBob

There are even psychological theories that suggest people subconsciously gain weight on purpose so to avoid such circumstances. It's like literally building a wall (with your body) to keep people out.

I think it's something that most introverted people really have to work on after a huge weight loss. I know I do.

ITA.