I'm frustrated...and trying to make peace with it. Help?

elaine8255

This morning, my husband turned to me and said "you know your alarm keeps going off but you don't get up...it's killing me".

The truth is, i didn't even hear it go off. I'm a very heavy sleeper and after starting out this workout routine i find that my body is craving sleep. I have every intention of waking up at 5am to sneak in some cardio before the day starts, but i just can't seem to wake up. Instinctively, i said to him "ok, well i guess i just won't work out in the morning" (which is now frustrating the hell out of me that i would even say that...because i feel like i'm letting myself down and slipping into that "everyone else comes first" mentality again)

I think that this morning's events have opened the floodgates of dammed emotions because now...

Here's what's tweaking my nerves:
- i feel resentment because my gut reaction is "well, if you only helped out around the house more, i could _____ (fill in the blank with the million different things i do for the house and for the family)"...but i second guess myself that i'm having an only child "woe is me" moment
- i asked him to spot me while i was doing free weights, and to go for a walk with me on my cool down ... and his gut reaction/facial expression made me feel like an obligation
- he keeps telling me to eat (so that i don't go hypoglycemic ... i'm diabetic) but i'm trying to be mindful of what i'm consuming
- I need help, help with the house, help with just handling everying around me but i'm already sounding like a broken record and i don't know what else to do other than just suck it up and just get it all done

Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated. I really just don't know what to do. Am i being unreasonable? I keep swaying between feeling righteous and guilty.

=T

Newfiedan

Well that depends more so on what your needs are from your partner, if he came into the relationship expecting you to do all those things then its up to you to change that. There are lots of men whom do not help out around the house, I do it because it makes my relationship stronger with my wife, I cook, clean and help out with our son and I enjoy it, it give my wife more time to focus on her weight loss and our relationship needs. You can not carry a relationship all by yourself, the partner needs to be involved and in many cases for men they need to chip in more and have a partner and not a mother type who does everything for them. I am sure that many men will hate me for saying that but suck it up guys we are in times that require more of us than drinking beer, bringing home a pay check and having the woman do it all.

bebababy

This morning, my husband turned to me and said "you know your alarm keeps going off but you don't get up...it's killing me".

The truth is, i didn't even hear it go off. I'm a very heavy sleeper and after starting out this workout routine i find that my body is craving sleep. I have every intention of waking up at 5am to sneak in some cardio before the day starts, but i just can't seem to wake up. Instinctively, i said to him "ok, well i guess i just won't work out in the morning" (which is now frustrating the hell out of me that i would even say that...because i feel like i'm letting myself down and slipping into that "everyone else comes first" mentality again)

I think that this morning's events have opened the floodgates of dammed emotions because now...

Here's what's tweaking my nerves:
- i feel resentment because my gut reaction is "well, if you only helped out around the house more, i could _____ (fill in the blank with the million different things i do for the house and for the family)"...but i second guess myself that i'm having an only child "woe is me" moment
- i asked him to spot me while i was doing free weights, and to go for a walk with me on my cool down ... and his gut reaction/facial expression made me feel like an obligation
- he keeps telling me to eat (so that i don't go hypoglycemic ... i'm diabetic) but i'm trying to be mindful of what i'm consuming
- I need help, help with the house, help with just handling everying around me but i'm already sounding like a broken record and i don't know what else to do other than just suck it up and just get it all done

Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated. I really just don't know what to do. Am i being unreasonable? I keep swaying between feeling righteous and guilty.

=T

while i am no therapist i have been married for 21 years so here we go! lol:
-really sit down with your husband and share your goals and tell him that you really NEED his support and this is exactly how he can help. remember to include how you emotionally want him to support you ie words of encouragement ect. spell it out, make it simple. men do not pick up on inferences.

-it does sound like you are overwhelmed and resentful that he hasn't noticed or voluntarily pitched in. 2 choices (1) don't be the hero and think you can get it all done, all day everyday, and (2) ask for the help you need and be specific. have an open and clear conversation about why it's important for him to help you so that you can meet other goals in your life.

-lastly and most importantly YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON. TAKING CARE OF YOU SHOULD NEVER BE AN AFTER THOUGHT. you can't take care of others if you are run down, tired, unhealthy ect. working out, eating right, being centered makes for a better you and that better you can give in a more meaningful way.

take time for you. you are worth it. good luck. add me as a friend if you like.

Nomomush

I've been married for 15years and there is only ONE thing that ALWAYS works...communication. Seriously, if you sat down with him and just told him all these things (calmly) without placing blame, it makes a world of difference. We can't expect our spouses to "know" what we want. I start my sentences with ... When you said __________________, it made me feel like_______________.

Good luck to you.

mom23nuts

COMMUNICATE ALL OF THIS WITH HIM!!!!! Seriously, we think men get it but they don't....just try saying something like, I would really like to start getting to workout int he morning and get in better shape but I am so tired. Would you mind helping inspire me and maybe if you could help me out the night before with some chores I can really get on a roll with AM workouts and have that much less to tackle before even getting to the gym/workout/walk/whatever.

I would really feel so grateful for your help. It means a lot.

Seriously I think my hubby will get it too and now I just tell him that I have a busy day tomorrow and the laundry is started can you let the clothes run through and then throw them into the dryer and then bring them up before you head off to work in the morning...and he does....but if I throw the laundry in and they are on pause and don't tell him guess who has to wait for it all....me and only my fault because I didn't ask him to pitch in.

sunshine79

When you're feeling calmer tell your husband how you feel. Sometimes with men, if you don't tell them - they don't know. I know it seems obvious to you but it probably isn't to him. Once you let him know how important his support is to you I am sure he will be willing to support in whatever way he can.

However, you MUST put yourself first. Remember the reasons you want to lose weight, visualise it. Just how important is this to you? Only you can decide. If you want it only you can make it happen, with or without the support of your hubby.

You can do it:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

rosieflo

I can understand what you are saying. Here's my disclaimer...my husband and I are very "by the book" people. We approach things very analytically most of the time, and not very emotionally. (Only in problem solver mode, not in life in general.lol). Anyways, here's my words I would use. You can use them or not, but I can only share my pov. "Husband, you know that my losing weight is important for all of us. You know that my diabetes will improve when I lose weight. You know that our quality of life will improve to. So, that being said, if I'm going to get up at 5:00 to work out, I need to be in bed by 9:00. I need 8 hours of sleep to properly care for my body. We both know that I can't get to bed by 9 if I'm doing x, x, and x. Would you be willing to pick up one or two of those responsibilities? It would help me, and in the long run help you." I know this sounds cheesy, but this is honestly how we attack issues in our house. LOL. Best of luck to you.

Awineburg

Asking him to help is not bad, he should be helping. Its his house too.... Some people just aren't morning workout types, dont feel bad about it. I work out at night because of that lol! Just take a deep breath, its just an off day. I feel very irritable today, and If i hear my co-worker scrape the side of her bowl with her spoon one more time... we'll you get the point. Tomorrow is another day, try and wake up early tomorrow

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

TashaP2011

I could totally copy paste everything you just said in my life. It is frustrating. I feel like everyday I get up and never stop moving all day long, and look around at the end of the day and can't point to one thing I accomplished since there is still so much left to do.

I started getting up at 5:00 a couple of years ago to exercise. I go to a local rec center that has classes at 5:30. There is no way I could motivate myself to get up and workout on my own, but the classes provide a community of people that I look forward to seeing, and fun workouts. It has worked for me for over 2 years now. Do you have anything like that in your area? Or even some friends in your neighborhood who would work out with you at that time? If your husband is not in to giving you this kind of support right now, maybe you can find a friend who would do this with you. It really helps knowing someone else is out there in the cold and the dark waiting for you to show up!

Good luck!

DeniseGdz

You can not carry a relationship all by yourself, the partner needs to be involved and in many cases for men they need to chip in more and have a partner and not a mother type who does everything for them. I am sure that many men will hate me for saying that but suck it up guys we are in times that require more of us than drinking beer, bringing home a pay check and having the woman do it all.

AMEN and thank you!! Losing weight while having a family is not easy and it is a joint effort!! If I didn't have my husband in my corner helping & cheering me on there is no way that I could get this done!! Maybe it's time for a heart to heart conversation so everyones on teh same page???

Good Luck and I'll keep you in my prayers!

EDesq

OO...Time for separate bedrooms. You would be surprised how many couples in the world sleep in separate bedrooms and it DOES NOT effect or affect the relationship, in fact it makes it better. Also, I really believe for the Most part, "We Show people how to Treat Us," They treat us like we let them treat us. Stop expecting people to make "sacrifices" for you, make "sacrifices" for yourself, No One wants to Live with a Martyr. Finally, it is important to KNOW what is IMPORTANT and Then DO Them (put First Things First and Do Them); Individual HEALTH is ALWAYS #1, even if you have kids...Your Kids Can Not be well taken care of if MOM is not well (Spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally...)

Take Control and Responsibility for Your Own Life!

jk051861

Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is. Explain how important this is to you - beyond just losing weight. You want to look nice for him, you want to be more healthy, you want to build muscle to protect your bones in the future, etc. My partner was against me losing weight at first. he likes a bigger girl. But I had a bout with breast cancer and he read that losing weight to get to a healthy weight could help prevent a recurrence. So now, he is very supportive. Remember, there is a difference in losing weight and getting healthy. good luck.

road2peachtree

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, but it doesn't really sound like the issue is with the husband. I mean I agree with everyone else, you should talk to him, but at the end of it all it's about you and the chic in the mirror. Over the past 10 years or so my husband has helped me, motivated me, angered me, ignored me and everything inbetween with this weight thing and until I really sat down with Me and had a heart to heart it never worked.

At times, he's annoying. "You should probably eat this" or "You shouldn't eat that" or he'll come home with cake because of HIS urge but I'm strong enough now where I shrug it off or say what I need to say and let it go.

As far as house stuff--honey, I have a pile of folded clothes sitting on my couch from last night because I had to work out. I walked past them, went into my room, changed my clothes, and went to town. I am the most important to Me. Not those clothes, or dishes, or the dogs, or the kids, or my husband. If I'm not centered then my family isn't either. My husband and I can't function properly if I'm always in a funky mood or if I neglect myself. I can't focus on my children either and give them what they need when I'm not getting what I need.

Get YOU together and everything will start to fall into place. I have to get up at 4 am (when I don't oversleep) to get in my time. I also invented a day--Sommer Sunday to be exact--that I get 2 hours to myself to do whatever. Most of the time that whatever consists of sitting with my girlfriend at Starbucks, but sometimes it's napping, sometimes is reading or surfing the internet or listening to music on my ipod or watching a movie. I HAD to have that time. I have found if I don't get it, everyone in the family rubs me the wrong way. LOL

Think about why you are doing what you are doing, make yourself a schedule, and just do you. Talk to the husband, express what you need and then keep it moving. He'll catch up and if he doesn't then it's his loss.

tlschlp

I definitely agree with the others --- COMMUNICATE! EVERYONE deserves some time for themselves without feeling like everything will to go "hell in a handbasket" (sorry, old expression ... I got it from my mother). The only way you can feel good about things you do for yourself, is by having help getting the things for the family done. Since your husband is part of "the family" he should be expected to do 'his part' ... whatever it is.

Like you, my husband did "his thing" while I took care of the house & kids, etc. My working out took a backseat and I gained weight and resentment because of it. Unfortunately, when I communicated with him, he would change his ways for a few days, then go back to his old ways.

I lost a quick 174 pounds after that -- I divorced his dead weight and concentrated on myself and my kids! (There was A LOT more to the divorce, but his "dead weight" was a significant factor.) I'm raising my boys to realize that EVERYONE matters! I might have to remind them to help out, but they are more willing to help so I can workout and continue losing MY weight!

Good luck!

elaine8255

Thank you everyone for your perspectives. It's definitely alot to digest and think about. What resonates the most (at first blush) is that i need to really work on placing myself on the priority list and having a more (direct) and calm communication with the husband.

...i guess i'll have to put my plate throwing practice on the backburner. (kidding)

elaine8255

There are lots of men whom do not help out around the house, I do it because it makes my relationship stronger with my wife, I cook, clean and help out with our son and I enjoy it, it give my wife more time to focus on her weight loss and our relationship needs.

You give me hope! *high five*

elaine8255

I can understand what you are saying. Here's my disclaimer...my husband and I are very "by the book" people. We approach things very analytically most of the time, and not very emotionally. (Only in problem solver mode, not in life in general.lol). Anyways, here's my words I would use. You can use them or not, but I can only share my pov. "Husband, you know that my losing weight is important for all of us. You know that my diabetes will improve when I lose weight. You know that our quality of life will improve to. So, that being said, if I'm going to get up at 5:00 to work out, I need to be in bed by 9:00. I need 8 hours of sleep to properly care for my body. We both know that I can't get to bed by 9 if I'm doing x, x, and x. Would you be willing to pick up one or two of those responsibilities? It would help me, and in the long run help you." I know this sounds cheesy, but this is honestly how we attack issues in our house. LOL. Best of luck to you.

My husband is very logical and analytical too. Sometimes i feel we debate more than argue....or rather i want to argue and he just debates me.

This kind of dialogue will probably make more sense to him than how i would traditionally have chosen to phrase things. Thank you for the suggestion

MissNicholas

...i guess i'll have to put my plate throwing practice on the backburner. (kidding)

Nothing wrong with brushing up on your skills just in case... ;-)