Revelation/Confession/Question

yenohamk

Revelation/Confession: I am proud of myself. When I had to pull late nights studying or when I was bored (and even when I wasn't), I would eat. I would eat just to eat. Just because I had the money and the means to eat. I would drive out to McDonalds or Jack in the Box late at night, order a full meal, and sit in the car in the parking lot and eat it. Then I would roll down the windows and take a drive so that no one would smell the evidence in the morning. Then I would stop by the local 7-Eleven and pick up 3 king size Snickers: 1 for now, 1 for tomorrow, and 1 for my dad (because I wanted to harm him, too =/ ). I used to stop by my favorite donut shop when specials were on and get a dozen donut holes and a carton of 2% milk. I would eat/drink the whole thing before getting home, which was less than 5 minutes from the donut shop. I used to finish everything on the plate, and because of that, I used to fill my plate to overflowing, and I never (NEVER) took home doggie bags.And if I told myself that tomorrow was going to be a new day where I would do better, be better, and kick the bad habits, I would take the rest of the night and reinforce those bad ones with more food. And now, I'm just proud that I can focus on my schoolwork without needing a bag of cookies to keep me company. I'm glad that I can sit in front of a computer all day and all night and still finish my MFP diary with calories to spare. I'm proud. Because before all of this, I was scared that I couldn't do it. But I'm strong. I'm proud of where I am, and I pray I never get back to the above. Being a closet food junkie sucks. It's lonely. It's not worth the time or the money. I hope I never make it back to that place. But how can I make sure? I don't want another failed attempt at this. And yet I've had 3, which tells me I'm not Superwoman, I'm human. How are you going to make sure that you don't fall again? How am I?

hush7hush

I am proud of you.

tross0924

You don't have to make sure you don't fail again. You have to make sure that when you trip you don't stay down. That's the real failure. Tripping over a donut, or ice cream, or even a 4th plate at the buffet is just an obstacle that you have to get over. The failure comes in laying on the ground and giving up. Shake your head the first time the thought "it's too hard", or "I can't do this" comes into your head. Acknowledge it for the load of cr@p it is and stand up again. Because it IS a load of bull. You CAN do this, and you WILL, but not if you're laying face down in the dirt.

GL on your journey, and remember to rise each time you fall.

JoAnnLeahMurphy

Thank you for sharing. I was reading the first part and remembering doing the same, how I loved doing it, enjoying it, and almost tasting it...but then I remember the guilt, horrible, sick feeling of shame once it was done...I am struggling with losing weight and when I read your post about how much you accomplished, I thought wow, if she can do it, so can I...so thank you for that.... Just try and remember the after feelings that come with those late night snacking...it is not worth it... I know I am struggling night time not to snack, I get grumpy and just want to give in..but I don't and I go to bed. The feeling in the morning when I wake up = I am proud of myself = success! Yes, it is a struggle and will probably always be, but live for today, and today you are healthy, you are in control of yourself and that is the new you. So that is how you are going to do it., one day at a time!

NoAdditives

I think you, and the rest of us, just have to take it one day at a time. It's hard to resist temptation but we all have to try our best. I think the most important thing is to take it slow. Make small changes one at a time. Don't expect to ever be perfect and don't try to overhaul your life all at once. Take baby steps and accept that it's going to be a long journey.

pinkgigi

Yeno, you have a talent for writing, I really enjoyed this. I would like to hear what finally clicked and how you changed your habits?

Tross I love your post, we should not be afraid of failing, as that is where we learn compassion, patience and forgiveness.

GG

callipygianchronicle

I’m proud of YOU for writing this.

Just remember, your previous attempts weren’t failures. We are all fledgling birds, growing feathers, learning to fly, and sometimes (often) falling. But we are destined to fly. We simply have different air speeds. And sometimes it takes our feathers a while to grow in.

It is all a part of the process. Never judge it. Just evaluate it, learn what you can from it, and fly on.

Even if we find ourselves parked in a nest for years, with flight a distant memory, on any given day, we can step to edge and take the leap again.

yenohamk

You don't have to make sure you don't fail again. You have to make sure that when you trip you don't stay down. That's the real failure. Tripping over a donut, or ice cream, or even a 4th plate at the buffet is just an obstacle that you have to get over. The failure comes in laying on the ground and giving up. Shake your head the first time the thought "it's too hard", or "I can't do this" comes into your head. Acknowledge it for the load of cr@p it is and stand up again. Because it IS a load of bull. You CAN do this, and you WILL, but not if you're laying face down in the dirt.

GL on your journey, and remember to rise each time you fall.

This is great, thank you! The bolded is my whole thing. It's the reason I ballooned up again. And again. I slipped up on Monday, and I've been hungrier than normal since but I've been fighting this time! I just don't know why I didn't fight in the past, but at the same time, maybe the past is better left there and I just need to keep fighting.

yenohamk

Thank you all so much for your wonderful posts!! I really do have a problem with focusing on today; I'm always lost in my head, thinking aka worrying about tomorrow and next week rather than just taking in what's right in front of me. So that will be more homework for me.

barbmpac

Yeno-Thanks for telling my story. Putting it right out there. One thing I know about secrets is they fester until they die in the light of exposure. You do have a gift for writing. It is imperative to stay in today. Not only to have success with eating well but so your spirit fluorishes. When you regret your past or live in the shame, your present is poisoned. If you worry about your future you are not available to enjoy the wonderful things right in front of you this moment. It also allows you to make an immediate decision to choose healthy. When I blow it, it may only be for a day or it may go on for years. I never know. All I know is that pattern got me to well over 300 pounds with arthritis, DM, and all the other amazing things that go with it. Having slips or detours from your decision is a normal part of this, the shame is in not getting back here. Standing up and saying you are SOOOOO worth it. Now that's loving yourself. Thanks again.

barb