Depression.
EricJonrosh
Posts: 823 Member
After a week with a cold and throwing my back out, and subsequently not exercising, now I'm in a total funk. Yes, I've been to the gym, but not for my usual high impact, high heart rate workout. It has been low and slow, and each day harder not to over eat. I had a chocolate chip cookie and panda express today, but I'm still under my limit.
This bares a striking resemblance to every time I've ever started losing weight. At the two-month point, I begin having trouble. Even with progress, compliments, noticeable weight loss, something comes along and sideswipes me. Soon my goals hold no more excitement to me than if they were somebody else's. Just as my back pain remains hidden until I start a new program and regularly exercise, something else remains conspicuously under the radar.
Is it depression? That's a statement more than a question. I read so many success stories and wonder how anyone got fat in the first place. And out of the hundreds, I see one saying: "losing weight won't solve your mental problems." It hit me like a slap in the face. Is this me? Do I see the silhouette of something horrible materializing as my 2 pounds-a-week slowly melts away? If so, what is it?
If you're a Behaviorist, you believe changing one's activity will cure mental illness. Conversely, the Determinist believes something made you this way, and you have to go into your mind with a wrench and a screwdriver and change beliefs. I never trusted behaviorists, because their camp welcomes people who are in denial. "Just get up and wash your car, you'll feel better!" By denial, I mean of things that need to be confessed, but are kept at bay by a carefully created life, a routine, a counterfeit reality where you make the best of everything and never open the door to that little room upstairs where such and so happened.
How many times do you rehash your story? And when you do, your voice is deeper, your choice of words, inflection and tone, have changed. The same thing, stamped in history for me, might have happened to you, and we both plugged the dam with fried rice and cookie dough. Behaviorism, like a good Band-Aid on your boo boo, makes you feel better. But a Band-Aid won't eradicate what made you fat. The "OP" is right. If I think the activity of losing weight will make me happy, I am in as much denial as any behaviorist. I am trying to sneak in under the radar and be like the 95% who lose weight and say "whew, glad that's over!" and live happily ever after.
Do I post this because I have achieved some nirvana? No. Right now my body is frantically looking for a replacement for whatever food used to do. I'm short tempered, hungry, lazy, unmotivated and verbally caustic. My body says, "If you don't fill these cracks with food, what are you going to use? The dam is leaking more and more every minute!"
It's the two-month point. Two months and 29 pounds, and time to plan what to do with this new body. Behavior. A new mind is yet to be Determined.
This bares a striking resemblance to every time I've ever started losing weight. At the two-month point, I begin having trouble. Even with progress, compliments, noticeable weight loss, something comes along and sideswipes me. Soon my goals hold no more excitement to me than if they were somebody else's. Just as my back pain remains hidden until I start a new program and regularly exercise, something else remains conspicuously under the radar.
Is it depression? That's a statement more than a question. I read so many success stories and wonder how anyone got fat in the first place. And out of the hundreds, I see one saying: "losing weight won't solve your mental problems." It hit me like a slap in the face. Is this me? Do I see the silhouette of something horrible materializing as my 2 pounds-a-week slowly melts away? If so, what is it?
If you're a Behaviorist, you believe changing one's activity will cure mental illness. Conversely, the Determinist believes something made you this way, and you have to go into your mind with a wrench and a screwdriver and change beliefs. I never trusted behaviorists, because their camp welcomes people who are in denial. "Just get up and wash your car, you'll feel better!" By denial, I mean of things that need to be confessed, but are kept at bay by a carefully created life, a routine, a counterfeit reality where you make the best of everything and never open the door to that little room upstairs where such and so happened.
How many times do you rehash your story? And when you do, your voice is deeper, your choice of words, inflection and tone, have changed. The same thing, stamped in history for me, might have happened to you, and we both plugged the dam with fried rice and cookie dough. Behaviorism, like a good Band-Aid on your boo boo, makes you feel better. But a Band-Aid won't eradicate what made you fat. The "OP" is right. If I think the activity of losing weight will make me happy, I am in as much denial as any behaviorist. I am trying to sneak in under the radar and be like the 95% who lose weight and say "whew, glad that's over!" and live happily ever after.
Do I post this because I have achieved some nirvana? No. Right now my body is frantically looking for a replacement for whatever food used to do. I'm short tempered, hungry, lazy, unmotivated and verbally caustic. My body says, "If you don't fill these cracks with food, what are you going to use? The dam is leaking more and more every minute!"
It's the two-month point. Two months and 29 pounds, and time to plan what to do with this new body. Behavior. A new mind is yet to be Determined.
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Replies
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Depression is something that needs to be addressed. If food is your 'cure' then you need another one. I know there are plenty of medicines that have different effects depending on the outcome/symptoms you discuss with you doctor. But depression shouuld never go untreated... you will find your balance :flowerforyou:0
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If you figure this out CrazySteve, you'll be a very rich man : )
I don't know how old you are but I've been losing the same weight over and over again over time for lots of years. What CAN replace food in our lives? I'm here trying again maybe, hopefully for the last time. It's all we can do and I think the right thing to do.0 -
I really enjoyed reading your story....today I felt really depressed myself,I was excited to get on the scales after working hard the past days n going below my calorie intake and also my sodium intake that I have a battle with at times.....then to find out I have only lost 1 lb.....Seems every week its either to lose 1-2 lbs or stay the same...what do I do to just reach a loss of 4 lbs for at least 1 week ?? I worked harder trying to do that ...and changed alot of my food habits (bad habits) but still to find myself getting the 1s n 2s and staying the same.....then I remember how Courtney from the biggest loser always said...if ur losing then ur heading in the right direction
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A friend once told me when we feel depressed....if it gets us heading towards the fridge then always find something healthy to stuff our face with lol .....and keep in mind,today may be a depressing day but tomorrow shall be a new one 0
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I read this and sat and cried like a baby. This is so where I am at this week. It is almost like reading my life story. I have been doing this for nearly 90 days and am down 45 pounds and BAM!! I panic, I worry, I start to gain.
I have dealt with all the crud of the past as I knew in order for this to work i must do that first (I've had entirely too many attempts that didn't work because I only changed my eating and not the psychological end). I got that out of the way and now have hit a new wall. I reach a certain weight and it is like my body says, "oh enough, no more". When I reached this weight 8 years ago I gained 17 pounds overnight and landed in the hospital for 2 weeks and a year of no exercising and restricted water intake along with intense physical therapy (all per doctor order). So I ask, am I going through this again?!? Is my body once again rejecting the weight loss or am I just psychologically allowing my body to think it is. I gained 4.8 pounds over the course of last night (from when I went to bed and got up this morning).
CrazySteve, I am right there with you!! You are NOT alone in this intense struggle to get the mind and body to work together and get through this.0 -
After a week with a cold and throwing my back out, and subsequently not exercising, now I'm in a total funk. Yes, I've been to the gym, but not for my usual high impact, high heart rate workout. It has been low and slow, and each day harder not to over eat. I had a chocolate chip cookie and panda express today, but I'm still under my limit.
This bares a striking resemblance to every time I've ever started losing weight. At the two-month point, I begin having trouble. Even with progress, compliments, noticeable weight loss, something comes along and sideswipes me. Soon my goals hold no more excitement to me than if they were somebody else's. Just as my back pain remains hidden until I start a new program and regularly exercise, something else remains conspicuously under the radar.
Is it depression? That's a statement more than a question. I read so many success stories and wonder how anyone got fat in the first place. And out of the hundreds, I see one saying: "losing weight won't solve your mental problems." It hit me like a slap in the face. Is this me? Do I see the silhouette of something horrible materializing as my 2 pounds-a-week slowly melts away? If so, what is it?
If you're a Behaviorist, you believe changing one's activity will cure mental illness. Conversely, the Determinist believes something made you this way, and you have to go into your mind with a wrench and a screwdriver and change beliefs. I never trusted behaviorists, because their camp welcomes people who are in denial. "Just get up and wash your car, you'll feel better!" By denial, I mean of things that need to be confessed, but are kept at bay by a carefully created life, a routine, a counterfeit reality where you make the best of everything and never open the door to that little room upstairs where such and so happened.
How many times do you rehash your story? And when you do, your voice is deeper, your choice of words, inflection and tone, have changed. The same thing, stamped in history for me, might have happened to you, and we both plugged the dam with fried rice and cookie dough. Behaviorism, like a good Band-Aid on your boo boo, makes you feel better. But a Band-Aid won't eradicate what made you fat. The "OP" is right. If I think the activity of losing weight will make me happy, I am in as much denial as any behaviorist. I am trying to sneak in under the radar and be like the 95% who lose weight and say "whew, glad that's over!" and live happily ever after.
Do I post this because I have achieved some nirvana? No. Right now my body is frantically looking for a replacement for whatever food used to do. I'm short tempered, hungry, lazy, unmotivated and verbally caustic. My body says, "If you don't fill these cracks with food, what are you going to use? The dam is leaking more and more every minute!"
It's the two-month point. Two months and 29 pounds, and time to plan what to do with this new body. Behavior. A new mind is yet to be Determined.
CrazySteve - I also have lost 29 lbs and am at the 2-3 month mark and have the exact feelings that you have. Reality is setting in that 1) I really am able to lose weight when I try and take the proper action and 2) I still feel like a f'ed up person in spite of this success. What does it all mean, I do not know - where will I end up if I lose 29 more lbs??? I am going to try to find out - and I really want you to try to find out, too. I think being overweight gives us an excuse to stay "checked out" of our lives - like we're in the back of the room with our hands raised saying, "Hey, I'll be the fat girl (guy) with the weight problem" so that we don't have to deal with whatever our other issues may be. Skinny people have problems too.
Your post really hit a nerve - you were able to articulate thoughts I've been having for weeks. Every time I lose 25 or so lbs, once people start to notice, once the clothes start not to fit anymore, once I finally have moments where I catch myself (instead of eating) crying, or screaming, or feeling a panic attack - that is when the weight sneaks back into my life. Not this time, my brother! NOT this time!0 -
CrazySteve: Very thought provoking blog. My mother, who was the worlds best mother, fed her family to show love. Food=Love. More food, more love. Dieting= Denying yourself love? hmmm That is how my wires got crossed.0
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WOW! So many things can replace overeating in our lives! Our lives are unlimited once we undo the denial the food is keeping us in. The food is keeping us from freedom to be who we truly are, to do what we really want to do in life, we are so much more than simply what we eat.If you figure this out CrazySteve, you'll be a very rich man : )
I don't know how old you are but I've been losing the same weight over and over again over time for lots of years. What CAN replace food in our lives? I'm here trying again maybe, hopefully for the last time. It's all we can do and I think the right thing to do.
Changing my habits has been so freeing, it's opened up a whole new world for me, I'm far more open to meeting new people, trying out new unique healthier foods, going new places, I feel the sky is the limit now.
I'm so sorry you're feeling stuck Steve, changing things up somewhere in my life helps me get unstuck at those times. Sometimes it has nothing to do with food, but more about looking inside and realizing I truly am worth it whether I'm a lower weight yet or not. I think sometimes we can get so caught up on the trip down the scale it trips us up on the fun of everyday life. I used to think 'When I lose weight..I'm going to...' but I realize now I can do any of that now, no reason to wait.
I think a switch actually goes off in our heads at some point and that's where the freedom comes in.:drinker:0 -
^ This! ^
I think being overweight gives us an excuse to stay "checked out" of our lives -0 -
Sounds like you are depressed and should seek some help. Life is hard, yes- but when you keep losing interest in it and feel overwhelming anxiety and guilt on a regular basis, you probably suffer depression, making it tougher than it needs to be. Can't hurt to check it out. I consider mental illness like any other treatable disease- you need therapy and/or medicine to overcome it just as a diabetic needs insulin to survive, folks with these issues need medical help as well. Living healthy helps for sure, but better to deal with the depression and then work on living healthy- it will be easier to maintain a routine. Best of luck to you, the first step is asking the questions about yourself that you have put forward.0
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Sorry for another post, but my mind is still turning over your post.
Yes, there are certain people that just seem to lose the weight and its all just a superficial process that causes them to feel "better' with each pound lost, ending in them riding off into the sunset with their new, healthy body, full of energy and positive feelings, with no turning back.
But for some of us, its just not that simple. This 29 lbs I've lost has changed my life a little - if I lose the other 55 lbs I need to lose, the my life will change ALOT, and that scares the hell out of me. I don't know why - it just does. Lately, CrazySteve, I've been turning on my "autopilot" and regardless of whether I believe in myself or regardless of how I am doubting I will actually succeed this time, I just do it. I just do it without thought. Like a machine. Can you maybe put yourself on autopilot as well and just keep plugging along and let the deep stuff wait?0 -
go to the "reports" tab on the upper right, there you can see your activity over the week in a graph.0
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I've recently realized that depression is often expressed through physical symptoms rather than emotional. A few weeks ago I talked to my doctor regarding my weight gain, lack of energy, joint pain, and other physical symptoms but all bloodwork came back completely normal. He suggested I try a mild antidepressant "just to see if it helps." I never even considered depression because I am a generally happy person and believed that depressed people are sad. I also hate taking medication of any kind and instead try to find more natural solutions but I was in so much pain that decided to try the meds. I've been on them now for over a month and I can't believe the difference it has made. I have energy to play with my kids again, sleep well and am almost pain free. The only side effect I've personally had is a little dry mouth (so I drink more water lol) and vivid dreams. For anyone considering depression I highly recommend talking to your doctor and finding out more information. Hope this helps 0
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I've recently realized that depression is often expressed through physical symptoms rather than emotional. A few weeks ago I talked to my doctor regarding my weight gain, lack of energy, joint pain, and other physical symptoms but all bloodwork came back completely normal. He suggested I try a mild antidepressant "just to see if it helps." I never even considered depression because I am a generally happy person and believed that depressed people are sad. I also hate taking medication of any kind and instead try to find more natural solutions but I was in so much pain that decided to try the meds. I've been on them now for over a month and I can't believe the difference it has made. I have energy to play with my kids again, sleep well and am almost pain free. The only side effect I've personally had is a little dry mouth (so I drink more water lol) and vivid dreams. For anyone considering depression I highly recommend talking to your doctor and finding out more information. Hope this helps
bluemiki - what brand are you taking? If you don't mind me asking?
Also, on the topic of antidepressants, I just have to add that I have had a very negative experience with them, personally, so proceed with caution. I have tried paxil, celexa, and wellbutrin. I dealt with weight gain (last thing I need!) numb feeling (no emotions at all) and sexual side effects - then when I decided to get off of them, it was hell on wheels. Took me months to get off of them, all the while I felt nauseated, dizzy and sick like someone detoxing off drugs. They aren't magic for everyone - just sayin'.0 -
Sorry for another post, but my mind is still turning over your post.
Yes, there are certain people that just seem to lose the weight and its all just a superficial process that causes them to feel "better' with each pound lost, ending in them riding off into the sunset with their new, healthy body, full of energy and positive feelings, with no turning back.
But for some of us, its just not that simple. This 29 lbs I've lost has changed my life a little - if I lose the other 55 lbs I need to lose, the my life will change ALOT, and that scares the hell out of me. I don't know why - it just does. Lately, CrazySteve, I've been turning on my "autopilot" and regardless of whether I believe in myself or regardless of how I am doubting I will actually succeed this time, I just do it. I just do it without thought. Like a machine. Can you maybe put yourself on autopilot as well and just keep plugging along and let the deep stuff wait?
Autopilot is exactly what I'm on. I wrote this post and went right to the gym, on autopilot, because that has been my "Behavior" for the past 2 months. But the biggest lie that has sold a million Phony Robbins books is that creating some new habit can heal your insides. God won't be mocked. If so, then anyone could treat anyone however they wanted, and twenty years later hand them a book on NLP (neurolinguistic programming), and all would be well! A monkey can learn habits, but we still have to wrestle angels and fight dragons. That's our lot. It can be good. It can be great. But if we could act our way into happiness (Tom Cruise + couch) we wouldn't need God, speaking of. I won't put off the deep stuff. My body won't let me. The dam needs a spillway. No habit or Band-Aid will do.
(PS-...and you will lose that 55!)0 -
Hey Steve!
I admire your determination to keep pushing at the gym even though you feel this way! You have to dig deep inside and push through this....and you are! There is nothing anyone can say to pull you out of this. You have top fight your own demons. Just know that everyday you log on here there are people going through the same trials and tribulations as you...some worse some not to bad. Someone said something to me once that put it in perspective for me. They told me to remember that "The weight you are now is SOMEONE else's goal weight" So...as you struggle achieve the weight you want there is someone else pushing just as hard or harder to reach the weight you are now ! I just want to let you know that I am so happy to have you as an MFP friend. You always offer encouragement to me and others on here! YOu CAN DO THIS!0 -
Sorry for another post, but my mind is still turning over your post.
Yes, there are certain people that just seem to lose the weight and its all just a superficial process that causes them to feel "better' with each pound lost, ending in them riding off into the sunset with their new, healthy body, full of energy and positive feelings, with no turning back.
But for some of us, its just not that simple. This 29 lbs I've lost has changed my life a little - if I lose the other 55 lbs I need to lose, the my life will change ALOT, and that scares the hell out of me. I don't know why - it just does. Lately, CrazySteve, I've been turning on my "autopilot" and regardless of whether I believe in myself or regardless of how I am doubting I will actually succeed this time, I just do it. I just do it without thought. Like a machine. Can you maybe put yourself on autopilot as well and just keep plugging along and let the deep stuff wait?
Autopilot is exactly what I'm on. I wrote this post and went right to the gym, on autopilot, because that has been my "Behavior" for the past 2 months. But the biggest lie that has sold a million Phony Robbins books is that creating some new habit can heal your insides. God won't be mocked. If so, then anyone could treat anyone however they wanted, and twenty years later hand them a book on NLP (neurolinguistic programming), and all would be well! A monkey can learn habits, but we still have to wrestle angels and fight dragons. That's our lot. It can be good. It can be great. But if we could act our way into happiness (Tom Cruise + couch) we wouldn't need God, speaking of. I won't put off the deep stuff. My body won't let me. The dam needs a spillway. No habit or Band-Aid will do.
(PS-...and you will lose that 55!)
CrazyStever - I am eager to hear what the next "phase" of your journey is like - the one that comes right after the "autopilot" phase. Keep digging at the deep stuff. I'm so glad I read your post. It was like a fast forward button for me. You put a lot of things on the table today/last night that would have taken me months to materialize and construct into something I could really analyze. Up until now, its been a fuzzy, vague, dark cloud hanging over my head. So thank you! 0 -
I am on wellbutrin. I've heard good and bad things about it. My experience has been great but my husband tried taking it to quit smoking (called Zyban but the same drug) and it made him crazy. It was the opposite for Champix. He did great on it and I felt like I was on speed. My suggestion is to keep trying untill you find the one that works for you.0
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