Back handed compliments from friends...why are some women so

petithamu

So I'm venting...

Not a lot of people in my circle knows I belong to a weight loss community and have been trying to lose weight. Apart from the boyfriend and a very few really close friends, I don't exactly shout to the world that I've been working out and eating healthy for the past 4 months. I don't link MFP to Facebook either because I feel like I can share a lot more about my weight loss journey on MFPs than on Facebook, you know, like minded people and all.

There are two couples that my bf and I hang out with regularly. When I say regularly, I mean the 6 of us meet up about once a month, have a dinner party and whatnot. It's been a while since the 6 of us did this since we're all busy so today was the first time in about 3 months that we all were able to meet up in a pub.

One couple, I'm quite good friends with the boyfriend and an okay friend with the girlfriend. Never really had a problem with her or anything, she can be slightly intimidating and high strung from time to time, can also be competitive and whatnot but never really got to the point that it bothered me. Today, her comments really annoyed me.

At first she was really nice and said, 'wow, your shoulders look great! What have you been doing?' I said, a butt loads of shoulder raises thanks to someone called Jillian Michaels. She asked, in the gym? I said, nah, just home DVDs. Then I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was in the middle of saying something about me in the gym. Months ago, I met up with her in the gym and she was working out in the 'women only area' because she 'didn't want the guys gawking at her'. I said something like, 'Oh, I just gawk back. I mean, gym sucks already so what's wrong with a little bit of eye candy.' Obviously I was just having a conversation, not really mean anything of it. When I came back from the bathroom, I actually heard her said to my boyfriend, 'didn't you know that Tiff likes to look at men in the gym? I mean that's what she does you know. I don't do that, I prefer the women only part so I can focus.' (side note: She hasn't been to the gym since that time and that was in early Jan!) I sat down and said..um...what are you trying to say? Then she just brushed it off and said, oh nothing, just gym talk. So I let that one go.

Then she continued on something else. I have an eye infection so I've been forced to wear my geeky glasses for 2 weeks. I don't like them, they don't look great on me and I feel uncomfortable. She said, 'so you're wearing glasses now? You should wear them everyday. You look better with glasses on.' I said to her again...um...these are 10 years old, they cover half of my face...there is NO WAY IN HELL I look good in these.' She just shrugged. She then took out her bag of make up and started 'touching up'. I said, are you guys going somewhere after this, why you touching up? She said, 'I just like to look good for my boyfriend *enter kiss here from her to bf*.' WTH?!?

So then we move on to other topics. I mentioned something about a dress I saw in Sex and the City and that a similar dress was on sale on some site and I was gutted it was sold out. She then said, 'I don't like flashy stuff like that, that's not my style.' *Enter kiss from bf to her*.

I don't know why but I felt like everything she said to me today was some form of attack? I asked my bf about it and he said cuz she's jealous I've lost weight and I'm taking care of myself. Apparently when I was in the bathroom, she was trying really hard to tell my boyfriend that I only go to the gym to check out men and how did he feel about that!

Is this what happens when you lose weight? Your circle of female friends suddenly turn on their competitive mode and see you as a threat?! Is she just going to hate me now once I get to my goal weight?!

The horrible thing is she hasn't been the only one throwing these comments around. Another friend of mine, another Chinese girl, I don't really have any Chinese friends so she is a rare breed in my circle. She's 25, young, pretty and fun and I've always looked at her like a little sister. She saw my new profile pic and said, 'you've lost weight. Are you way skinny now? Are you trying to give me a run for my money?" Excuse me?!?

Okay, I'm just venting. I just don't get women. I don't have a lot of female friends and I grew up hanging out with boys so I'm just not used to all of these backhanded comments. My guy friends tell me when I've gained weight, they comment when I've lost weight, you don't get any of these *****y attitude from them, ever. This is just a very new territory to me...and I am really annoyed...

Okay..sorry...end rant....

Shadowcasting

I understand the comments to your boyfriend being an issue (and justifiably so), but is it possible that you are being overly sensitive? Maybe her make-up-ing and comments about her style weren't about YOU?

Achoooo

Sounds like my mother-in-law - jealous, has to come back on everything you say and put a negative spin on it.
Yes, IMO a lot of women can be like this. I choose not to have a lot of female friends, to be honest. I had one that claimed to support me but everytime I lost weight and she didn't (we were weight loss buddies) she'd start putting down what I do. Forget it. Not worth my time to be around such negative, hateful people.

I'd tell the other one point blank, I dont care if it was a joke, but I want to be healthy and this isn't a competition.

mrphil86

I have that problem too. I get backlash from my friends who laugh that I am part of a weight loss community. (This is not my first.)

"You're not fat. Why are you on there?"

I do it for myself because it just makes it that much easier to live a healthier lifestyle.

But I love when they come to me for advice. I'll make them feel five inches tall when they do that.

red01angel

This is exactly why most of my friends are men.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this..it's definitely not fair.

loriannmartin

awe hun i dont know how to give you and answer but woman are catty/... im sure she is not confidant .. just know you know who you are... and she is just jealous and insecure and likes to be the center of attention herself... XOXOXOX

lori

petithamu

I understand the comments to your boyfriend being an issue (and justifiably so), but is it possible that you are being overly sensitive? Maybe her make-up-ing and comments about her style weren't about YOU?

I thought about that as well and maybe I was after she pissed me off about the other comments so I just kinda got annoyed with everything else she said.

Like I said, I'm just venting...

Galathea

I so feel ya. Women can be such $%&%& :laugh:
Personally I get along much better with guys. I think it's because women define themselves a lot through the way they look and how others see them. So if they see another woman changing her look to the better (not only weight losing, sometimes all it takes is a new haircut), they feel threatened. You don't fit into the old picture anymore.
Personally I wouldn't even pay attention to it, except ... maybe you should see it as a motivation. You do great and therefore other women see you as a threat. They try to make your success smaller by saying such things, so they can feel a bit better about not trying to make changes for the better.
I don't think most women do it on purpose. It's just the way our brain is programmed.

Heather75

Some people feel threatened by others who are doing well and they prefer to see them fail because it makes them feel better about their own lives. There is an entire tabloid industry based on this concept.

Surround yourself with positive people as much as you can. Also, calling the passive-aggressive negative ones on it usually shames them into shutting up. Just know that they will still probably do it behind your back.

Lots of people just aren't nice, I'm afraid.

petithamu

I have that problem too. I get backlash from my friends who laugh that I am part of a weight loss community. (This is not my first.)

"You're not fat. Why are you on there?"

I do it for myself because it just makes it that much easier to live a healthier lifestyle.

But I love when they come to me for advice. I'll make them feel five inches tall when they do that.

Haha, awesome. The girl that said if I was giving her a run for her money, she came to me to ask me what I've been doing cuz she wants to lose 14lbs and when I said to her, exercise and eating clean, she then said, forget about it, I don't want to talk about it anymore, you make me feel bad. I just wanted to shout at her, 'then don't freaking ask me if you don't want an honest answer!' Grr...

mz_tonya

Pure jealousy... Woman are catty... we all get jealous when someone loses weight and we can't - or we feel someone is starting to look better. Some of us have enough cooth (sp?), however, to keep our comments to ourselves. Keep in mind, you asked her why she was "touching up." Truthfully, that is not really your concern. Personally, I would have taken it as a complement that she felt she had to freshen up to compete with my looks - or perhaps she's just shallow Just a thought.

iamhealingmyself

Wow sounds like these "girls" are not really your friends. Consider them acquaintances you tolerate for the sake of your real MEN friends. As for the gym/eye gal, she may not be flashy (the dress) but she's obviously HIGH MAINTENANCE with gawking at her face all the time. If a guy can't accept you for who you are NATURALLY then he's not worth having around. What a lot of women don't realize is that makeup is supposed to ENHANCE what God gave you not give you something you weren't born with.

Too bad there isn't a make up for behaviors!

You keep doing what you're doing and maybe consider changing you're get together pals if it really gets to you. If the guys aren't strong enough to step in and stop that kind of thing, it's not worth your time and effort to keep having these gatherings. You're worth so much more than that.

staciekins

Yes, it is a jealousy thing with women. It's like you always see that not so hot/fat chick in a group of friends. They all like her, but never feel threatened by her cuz she is the "fat friend". This friend always hears the "Oh my god...that guy is totally checking me out." Now say fat friend loses an *kitten* ton of weight (pun intended). The other girls will feel more threatened by her because attention is now drawn towards her...and all hell breaks loose if they see a guy staring at her!!!

iamhealingmyself

I understand the comments to your boyfriend being an issue (and justifiably so), but is it possible that you are being overly sensitive? Maybe her make-up-ing and comments about her style weren't about YOU?

Yeah they're obviously about her own INSECURITIES and issues.

Dee1006

people like this have their own issues and feel the only way to feel better about themselves is to be a *itch and put everyone else down. Had those in my life a time or two as well. Shrug it off bc it is not about you, but her. She needs to deal with her own issues. Keep going you are doing great!!!

guppygirl322

She sounds so insecure. I can't think of any woman who would make comments like that unless she was. YOU know you're doing the right thing for yourself so don't worry about what anyone else says or does to try and make you feel bad just so they can feel good.

shaheerahs

I don't believe in acting that way, do take heart that all women are not that way. Truthfully to me th first girl you mentioned doesn't sound like a real friend, someone that really cared about you would be happy that you are taking steps to become healthier. Also a friend wouldn't try to stir up trouble with your boyfriend.

The second girl just sounds maybe like a joke gone bad. maybe you should just mention to her that her comment made you feel bad.

Be proud of what you have accomplished and don't let anyone's negativity get you down.

petithamu

Pure jealousy... Woman are catty... we all get jealous when someone loses weight and we can't - or we feel someone is starting to look better. Some of us have enough cooth (sp?), however, to keep our comments to ourselves. Keep in mind, you asked her why she was "touching up." Truthfully, that is not really your concern. Personally, I would have taken it as a complement that she felt she had to freshen up to compete with my looks - or perhaps she's just shallow Just a thought.

Yeah, you're right, it really wasn't my concern. It just seemed really odd because I've known her for 3 years and never once has she taken out an entire make up collection at a table to start piling it on. When I asked her, she gave me this look like, 'I like to look good for my boyfriend, too' face then they proceeded to have a very um....'involved' kiss...the whole thing was just so odd!

sparkleypinkshoes22

I've got to agree with everyone else's comments on here, I've experienced the catty comments from other females too and not just in relation to weight/looks.

The best way that I deal with these things are to remind myself that their nastiness is a bad reflection of them and their insecurities, and really nothing at all about me........... and in this particular situation I would remind yourself of the other positive to come out of this.....the opportunity to widen your circle of friends to include more boys!!! :happy:

elizzzzzabeth

She sounds like she is quite jealous, but she needs to back up riiiiight now!

I am not a fan of people who compliment you, but turn it into a negative. Those are just little people though, who need to do something like making others feel bad about themselves, so that they can feel grrrrrrrreat about themselves, which I think is quite sick!

Its funny, women can be very catty, and I just do not get it. If someone is wearing something and I think it looks great, I let them know. I guess it all comes down to jealousy though, and it shouldnt!

Keep up the good work though! & try not to let this chica get to you, shes just a hater!

catcrazy

I understand the comments to your boyfriend being an issue (and justifiably so), but is it possible that you are being overly sensitive? Maybe her make-up-ing and comments about her style weren't about YOU?

Ditto. I think your guard was put up at her talking about your time at the gym so probably were a little over sensitive (understandably)
Let it go, she does sound like she's insecure, not just of you but in herself.

The other girl...yep, sounds like she might like having "bigger" friends, makes her feel better about herself...many people do this in one way or another. For some reason all my friends have been much shorter than me but also much more self assured, I guess i'm hoping some rubs off on me (not happened yet!)

petithamu

Thanks you guys. I really am thankful for all the comments. This is why I come on here because I could never post something like this on FB because I'll get virtually murdered!

I do have a small handful of female friends and these are the people that know I've been working out and they've been nothing but supportive. My boyfriend said to me these are the true friends and they'll always be by my side like I am always by theirs. I don't want you guys to think I 'shun' women, I don't...just today...grrr, she just really freaking annoyed me! Haha

Anyway, thank you again

cheshirechic

I agree w/ above: it's pure jealousy.

Also, I think you said that you were kind of friends with her, but not as close. To keep things in perspective, she IS in your circle, but she seems to be a tangential part of it. It also seems like you don't see her very often, either. While some women will be uber-jealous and catty and horrible, know that it's not the norm. Sounds like you have a very supportive bf and close circle of friends. While she's being an awful person, you're diffusing the situation as best as you can instead of escalating it, which is the best thing you can do. I hate it when people act like that, and I can truly empathize with you.

You're doing AMAZING if even a hater acknowledges your changes. Know that a lot of the women on here (me included), are truly happy for other MFP members who reach their goals. Feel bad that she's that insecure with herself, which is in itself a horrible thing, and know that you're not only fitter, but a better person.

Feel free to message or add if you want some genuine positive female support!

(I love Jillian, too! I have her to partially thank for my arms as well....haha.)

skramer13

All the little showy kisses after each nasty comment makes it sound like she might feel threatened in her relationship now that you're losing weight and looking good. It sounds like she doesn't have very high self-esteem and might be worried her boyfriend will start looking at you instead of her, so those little comment/kiss episodes are her way of putting you down, highlighting herself, and trying to subtly reinforce the fact that he's hers with the kiss. It's just a show for him and a territorial thing for you. Don't pay her any mind. If I were you, I'd limit my interactions with her for a good while while she gets her own issues sorted out. Congrats on the weight loss, by the way!

guppygirl322

I do have a small handful of female friends and these are the people that know I've been working out and they've been nothing but supportive. My boyfriend said to me these are the true friends and they'll always be by my side like I am always by theirs.

Your boyfriend is 100% right! One of my friends lost a lot of weight. Of course I was jealous, but I told her I was and begged her to tell me all her secrets!:laugh: I encourage her all the time because that's what friends do. When she gets frustrated that the weight loss has stopped I tell her not to get discouraged, just hang on and keep doing what you're doing to get past the plateau. Maybe I will finally be able to get my weight down this time, maybe not. But it isn't a competition between us and if she gets there first or I never get there at all I'm happy for her and proud of her.

pope8890

Thats's so strange how women can act. When I saw a friend lose weight, that gave me the confidence to start losing weight. I believe you should be around other women who can encourage you to do better. Anyone who shuns you is not a true friend, they feel threatened by you, in one way or another. Congratulations on your weight loss. Keep up the good work.

JE55Y

That woman sounds so b*tchy! I wouldn't go out with her again.

Couldn't you have acidently bumped into her and sent her flying over the table, where she gets covered in food?

BunnybeeJG

your chinese friend was probably just joking around so that one you should just have a laugh with and be like you know it

They don't really sound like back handed compliments as much as her just being a tattle tale and a biitch.

my grandmother is the QUEEN of backhanded compliments. Lol so its always fun to ..on a daily basis get to hear something really nice and then something else really horrible. Some people don't realize they are doing it ... others sincerely think they are being nice.

then theres people like the gal in your post. she seems like she thinks she's just better than you all around i have a friend like that... its ya. no explanation needed on that one lol Some women are fake and pretend to be friends seems like maybe she doesn't like you but shiite she's not worth the time just ignore her when you can.

next time be like..
wow ... that dress is fantastic on you... but do you really think that's your color? it's kind of hideous.

:drinker:

zeeeb

not very good friends if they aren't supportive and enthusiastic for you.

i saw a friend (acquantance reall) for the first time this year and she was so encouraging, telling me to keep up the good work. i wouldn't waste my energy or time on people who are going to be vindictive.

sure envy is fine, but there is nothing wrong with saying "you look great, i am so envious of you!" without any loaded comments and efforts to sabotage (by trying to get your boyfriend angry at you, what? in hope you'll dig in to the nearest bucket of friend chicken).

she sounds like a "class A b!itch"

RonieLisbeth

when ifirst lost weight my bf didnt even notice lol, his mom did n said ilooked great. teachers in school said da same thing. my friends were like you're soo pretty, you look so tiny quit trying to lose anymore weight lol.
i do think shes super jealous of you. its obvious she is, me and my bff lost weight at different times and we were never like that with each other.
you're "friend" is the reason why women get called *****es lol
if iwere i will be mad too
she was trying to start a fight between you and your bf. a relationship is for 2 people and she has no right to ask him how he feels about you going to the gym shes not a therapist to be asking him that.
anyways whatever negative things your"friends"say to you you need to brush it off. if they cant be glad for what you did then you shouldn't listen to them
ps: once you reach your goal weight, wear the sexiest, flashiest thing you have in front of her, so she can be even more of a *****, if she's going to envy you for losing weight we might as well turn her green .
dont cha think? (;

shreddingit

Oh hell nah girl!! there would be some cat fighting up in there if it was me!!
I have not had female friends since I left college back in 2006!! my 2 sisters dont even know how I look now!..sisters can be bad too...lol...
about facebook I keep a personal one with my face on it only no body pics for family...but I have a fitness facebook to meet like minded people there no friends or fam....but I have lost a "friend" on my fitness FB cuz of my success i guess she wrote in a message "im jealous" and rarely hear from her when it use to be everyday...:(

we women are something!! :ohwell: