Advice on loneliness

SoldierDad

So lately I have been dealing with a lot of loneliness and I am not sure why. I am always an upbeat/optimistic/out going person. I believe in bringing joy into the lives of those around me. But lately I just feel horribly lonely. Let me give a little of my story. I am a single dad of two amazing kids. I have full custody. My kids are my whole world. They are my heart beat, my soul and I love them more than life itself. My son is almost 8, and my daughter is 19 months. I work full time managing a grocery store and I am a former soldier. I am very blessed that the kids grandmother lives a few blocks away and comes over to get my son off to school and watches the baby during the day. I pick up the baby everyday by 250ish and then pick up my son from school. From that point on my day is all about the kids. We just have a blast playing, and doing projects and going places. I coach all my sons sports and I am part of the leadership in scouts. I am literally surrounded by people most of the time. I even get asked out some. I just never do go out (I did go out a with a lady for a little while a few months ago but it was a LD relationship and just didn't work out). I don't trust my kids to daycare and I wouldn't dream of asking their Nana to watch them so I could go out at night. Besides the idea of missing time with them breaks my heart. Anyway, everything is fine till they go to sleep at night. Then the last couple of weeks I get lonely beyond belief. Does or has anyone else gone through this? Any advice. I work out most evenings (I do not watch tv, not into it) but that really doesnt distract me much from being lonely. Sorry to sound whiny or wussy.

Love & Blessings :flowerforyou: ,

Ed

Heather75

I don't really have any advice for you, because I haven't ever been in your shoes, but I think everyone knows what it feels like to be lonely.

I sympathise. You have a lot on your plate and you are managing amazingly well. Maybe try online dating and plan the dates for after the kids are in bed? Don't ask Nana to babysit - just get a sitter.

twooliver

I do know the pain of loneliness...I wonder if this new life style invites us to sit in the pain rather than turn to that old trusted friend - food! I tend to believe that if you are meant to meet someone, they will cross you path - you don't have to go looking. In the mean time, maybe fill the quiet with a new hobby of some sort? Write that book; read a great novel; be the person you would want to live with!!!

azlady7

Hi Ed, I am sorry your feeling lonely. I have gone through that myself. It was awhile ago, but I can totally relate. When I had my son, for the first year and a half of his life it was all about work and him. The loneliness was consuming at night. I dont know if you go to church or not, but that might be a good way to meet other people and set up adult time a few nights a week, at your home after the kids go to bed. Card night, movie night, karaoke night are some ideas. It is hard to meet like-minded people in your situation since they are probably at home feeling lonely themselves and dont want to leave their kids either! I hope this helps and good luck!

atabt

Hi there,

Wow, you sound like a great Dad! Maybe I can share some advice that has come my way many times since I first became a Mom about 6 years ago: "You need to make some time for yourself in order to be the best mother/father you can to your kids." And from the sounds of it you are lacking an adult social life, as so many parents do!

I hear you about the babysitting. I have no family nearby and didn't feel comfortable leaving my young kids with a teenager that I didn't know real well. But I came up with an idea that worked for me and it might help you. I hired a girl down the street to come over every Thursday from 4-6 pm and play with my kids while I did stuff around the house. It technically wasn't babysitting because I was there, too, and available to the kids. But they really got to know this girl as the weeks went by, and more importantly, I got to know her too. I got to see how she handled the kids, and she got to learn from me how I wanted things to be handled (e.g. if the kids weren't cooperating about something). She picked up on my approach and I got to see her in action.

Eventually I graduated from tidying up the house and making dinner while she was there to going out to pick up a few groceries, and then once in a while booking a 1-hour massage during her visits. I knew that I could trust her to handle the kids while I was out for a little while, and I knew my kids were comfortable with her and saw her as "in charge" when I was out. And inevitably she became a Saturday night babysitter for us so my husband and I could go out to a movie once in a while.

Maybe this might work for you and once you have a babysitter you can start to take up some of those women on their invitations for a date! It's probably exactly what you are needing.

Best of luck to you.

Lauriek70

I can understand your feelings of being alone especially at night, not sure what advice to give. You may just need to give yourself permission to hire a babysitter for the evening and go out with a friend for a little while even if it is just for coffee. The idea of a on-line date may work for you as well. Just remember that you deserve some adult time without the kids- it is okay. (As a teacher, I spend a lot of time with children and I look forward to spending time with adults and hope to find someone to start a relationship.) Kudos for being so dedicated to your kids, you sound like a great parent. Have a great night.

ejohndrow

I deal with loneliness all the time, only it's a different situation than yours. I am a 12 hour drive from any friends or family in any direction. I rarely get invited out and when I do go out apparently I seem "unhappy" so I'm not invited out again. I've only ever had one boyfriend and that last for 13 months. I have no kids, and I live in a room and share a bathroom with my headmate. Work is everything to me. Even when I complain and have a bad day I still love that I get to work so much because that, and going places like the store are how I get my human interaction throughout the day. On top of that my job recquired me to have PRP-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personnel_Reliability_Program. It's ridiculous the kinds of things they will take you off PRP for (loneliness is one since they feel it is a dign of depression). I had to explain to them that taking me away from people will only make me truly lonely, that work is pretty much my life.

Anyway, our lives are totally different, but I do understand the way you feel. I'm sorry I have no advice, but I can say that just coming on this message board, and PMing/talking with the people here has really helped my attitude in the past couple of weeks. I hope you can find some way to overcome this feeling of loneliness you have.

peteyTwang

Know that so many of us have gone or are still going through the same thing and that it will pass, things will get better and you will definitely meet new partners. Count your blessings. Remind yourself how lucky you are to have your kids, and that they aren't going to be that young for very long... so enjoy this magic time with them while you can.

froglegjack

You have gotten some excellent advice here. The best of which so far has been getting a baby sitter. You can go slow, go at your own pace until you are comfortable with The sitter and then please do go out. Also Parents without partners is a wonderful group and a lot of their events are organized so the whole family attends. They do fun things and then they do do things for the adults as well. You could meet a lot of friends that way. I know how you feel I raised my children alone. And most parents alone or together know the pain of loneliness when their children become adults and begin their lives. So the best thing to do is to continue living yours at the same time that they are growing up. Make sure that you have your much needed adult time.
Mary

sam23030

Perhaps you could find some groups or places to go with your kids as well that can give you some adult interaction. This could lead to meeting other single parents who could also use some company, perhaps you could go on play dates and if you build up a good relationship with them you could take it in turns to watch each others children on the odd evening so you can each go out.

jsteras

I completely understand the feelings of loneliness. I am for the first time in my life alone. I got married when I was eighteen and had my two children. I proceeded to raise them , work, take care of the house etc. Forward 23 years , when my sons were teenagers I decided to go back to school and get a degree in nursing. I finished school and have been working as a nurse for a few years. To make a long story short, both of my sons have their own homes and in February of this year I caught my husband cheating and he moved out. So for the first time in my life I am alone. I go through feelings of peacefulness which can suddenly turn to loneliness. I really just try to stay busy and thank goodness I found MFP in March , I had been going out to the local tavern almost every evening to avoid the loneliness , but I now realize I have to face it and make peace with being alone. I say take one day at a time and try to find friends that will help you, and to make time to interact with adults it is important for your emotional well being. You are to be admired for what you are doing.

NatalieWinning

I never lived near relatives, and moved a lot, so never gathered a core group of friends I could trust to ask to babysit. My first family was 3 little kids and a husband always gone for work. When he was home he was emotionally absent. I divorced and worked my butt off when kids were 8, 10,and 12. Having never had a social life before or then as an adult. Like you it was always all about the kids only.

I remarried and swore it was going to be different. More balanced for me. I'm not good at it, still. I have one 10 yr old, and we hardly ever go out. It's his first and he feels like we should always be doing something with the kid. But it's hard work to make sure there is a social life! Actually, truth is, the kid loves babysitters. She thinks it's a treat! She's sorry we don't do it more often. Someone new coming to play with her is like a hired playmate just for her.

I'll bet if your Nana knew you might like to date she would be relieved. She must know you need it, and would be thrilled to help you get out once in a while. Or get that occasional person you can trust. Ask the other people in scouts who they use. Other parents of kids your kids age will have people they can recomend. The kids will be glad to have a well rounded happy Dad. You don't have to bring all the ladies home, just go out once in a while and see how you feel about it. I am always in a hurry to get back to my kids, but that's also a good feeling.

dwellsouth

First, congrats on your weight loss! Be sure you're getting enough nutrients, especially fats to oil your brain, since the lack of these can cause depression.
A single parents' group is a great place to meet people. Some churches have parents' night out too where they watch the kids for a few hours. When my kids were little and I was single, I did online dating (met my now husband that way) which is a nice way to get to know somebody on a schedule - meet for dinner or a movie at 7:00 and be home by 9:30 or 10:00. You definitely NEED adult companionship with males and/or females to stay sane. Hang in there!

shandygemini

I am definately going through the same thing. I live in mesquite (Dallas),but I do not have a car or a job and that isolates me. It will get better though
!