DH's 'friend' extremely disrespectful to me -

taiyola

To be honest, I would probably join in and make a crude joke back. Probably one that's crude enough to have him shocked. That's just the way I am. I wouldn't find it offensive. And no, I do not have a 'personality disorder' :huh: LOL (what the hell?!). Everyone is different. Although if it went on and on and on, I would probably start to get annoyed.

If you are finding this offensive, which you obviously are, I would either rise above it, or have it out with him. Good luck!

bzmom

DH=Dear Husband

what does DH mean?

ZebraHead

what does DH mean?

Normally I think it's Dear/Darling Husband but in this case it may be DUMBASS husband...

reese66

Ben is an *kitten* and needs to be put in his place, just turn it all back on him, taking some ones power away from them usually calls them down.

No comment on the husband, nope no comment at all...:noway:

Atlantique

I'm going to be blunt.

I've read few of your posts about the problems you have with DH and frankly, I don't understand why you are still there. He is controlling. He's undermining and manipulative. He has no respect for you. I can't see what you possibly get out of this relationship other than having him emotionally abuse you instead of your having to do it to yourself?

Yes, *Ben* is a *kitten*. No man who truly respected you would let any man speak to you in this manner. If you respected yourself, you wouldn't allow it either--you'd tell Ben exactly what was inappropriate about his behavior-ONCE- and then you'd never deign to be in his presence again. EVER.

I'm sorry that you seem to feel trapped here, but the only person who can solve these problems is you. By getting up and walking out the door and rediscovering your self-respect and self-worth. Staying in this situation with your husband steals a piece of your soul every single day. It's VERY hard to get those pieces back, and it becomes harder every day that you stay.

bzmom

what does DH mean?

Normally I think it's Dear/Darling Husband but in this case it may be DUMBASS husband...

kevanos

Given the situation you have been endurign I take it confrontation is not your thing, but it is the solution. You have to be blunt and clear with him, you can even be a bit insulting if you want. Tell him what you think about him and to to stop talking to you that way, demand it. Expose him for the *kitten* he is.

Once you do that he will stop.

azlady7

Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).

Good luck with this.

This is very good advice!

ZebraHead

Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).

*LIKE this ^^

RoadDog

Nobody talks to my wife in this manner.

The fact that your husband allows this to happen speaks volumes. It's his friend and if he had any respect for you at all, he would shush Ben with "extreme prejudice."

LorinaLynn

I would not wait for my spouse, I would take care of the situation personally, and publicly at the top of my voice with no misunderstanding about what I was trying to convey.

Word up!

I would ask him just what you asked us, "What the (insert favorite word) is your problem?" I'd probably also make references to his own inadequacies, because I'm a b-word like that.

bunny888

Hi,

I've just read your message and have so much sympathy with you. What an appalling way for Ben to behave. I completely agree with you that Ben's comments are inappropriate and disrespectful and he doesn't seem to have any comprehension of the boundaries of social acceptability. I do wonder what your husband gets out of this friendship. It must be very upsetting that your husband is stuggling to understand why you find Ben's behaviour and comments upsetting. It is a shame your husband isn't backing you up more with this. Perhaps with just coming out of hospital he is avoiding the stress of tackling the problem and he clearly feels some loyalty to Ben (from their previous shared history and perhaps strengthened through the support he has offered your hubbie during his illness and hospitalisation).

Could you sit down with your husband and try once more to have a serious talk with him and explain how much Ben's behaviour is upsetting you and that it is socially unacceptable, inappropriate and embarrassing for you and anyone else witnessing it. Could you suggest to your hubbie perhaps that if he wants to continue seeing Ben he should see him separately but that you would like him to no longer invite Ben to general family occasions when you will be present. You can say you understand he feels a loyalty to Ben but that it is extremely important for your future happiness that he backs you up on this.

I wonder how Ben would feel if someone spoke to his girlfriend like that. I'm not sure whether you are right about Ben resenting your relationship with your hubbie and that is the root cause of his behaviour or whether it's the old schoolboy thing of teasing someone and winding someone up because he actually has a thing for you.

Also, one more thought. Could there also abe other issues at play here.......I have read that it's a common thing for people who have been sick for a long time to sometimes 'turn against' their carers as the carer or former carer reminds them of their weakness/sickness. Just wondering if that could possibly be why your husband is not supporting you as much as you might normally expect.

If you do find yourself in Ben's company again and he starts making inappropriate comments again I would say quite loudly in front of other people, 'I wonder why you feel the need to try to embarrass/humiliate me like this' and then try your hardest to act as though what he has said hasn't bothered you and calmly walk away and find someone else to speak to. I know that is a recommended technique for dealing with 'bullying behaviour in the workplace etc' and it may also work in your situation. Worth a try. Alternatively, excuse yourself to nip to the loo or something and then do some deep breathing techniques to help you stay calm and help with your anger and frustration eg breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4. Repeat until you feel calmer and more in control.

Also, to help generally with your own frustrations and to help you maintain focus maybe you could try a spot of meditation if you have the time.

I wish you the very best of luck in resolving this problem and my best wishes for your husband's continued recovery.

Stay strong and keep smiling.

X

RoadDog

Nobody talks to my wife in this manner.

The fact that your husband allows this to happen speaks volumes. It's his friend and if he had any respect for you at all, he would shush Ben with "extreme prejudice."

By the way, I doubt I would ever have to say something to a friend of mine. First off, if they are in my group of friends, they show the same repect to my wife and children as they do to me, and, secondly, my wife would rip into them unmercifully, knowing full well I am cocked and all she has to do is point me and pull the trigger.

reese66

Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).

*LIKE this ^^

Me too!!!

Phoenix_Rising

Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).

Good luck with this.

Woah, this is SUCH a great idea! And you could use this for any inappropriate comment. "I'm sorry, did you just say I need to watch what I'm eating?" or, 'I'm sorry, did you just tell me my plans for the weekend are 'gay'?" (YES I had someone say that about me going on a women's retreat).

THANK YOU!!!

I love this idea.

Phoenix_Rising

Maybe its just me, but Id have no qualms with punching him

Or a swift kick to the junk

cmriverside

Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).

Good luck with this.

Woah, this is SUCH a great idea! And you could use this for any inappropriate comment. "I'm sorry, did you just say I need to watch what I'm eating?" or, 'I'm sorry, did you just tell me my plans for the weekend are 'gay'?" (YES I had someone say that about me going on a women's retreat).

THANK YOU!!!

Songbyrd's addition here is so great, too.

Lots of times we get frozen when someone acts inappropriately, and then think of these great responses later.

This suggestion makes it easy - repeat it back to them as a question (prefereably loudly and with an incredulous look on your face.)

suemar74

I'd have to ask him why he has a fascination with your husband's d**k.

Improvised

Lol, Suemar, it's a legitimate question.

brewingaz

The way to deal with it is this:

Next time this Ben guy brings this stuff up in front of you and your husband, you reply:

"Every time you mention something, he's not getting **** from me for one week"