Can I get some opinions on a semi personal matter? (non wei

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  • silhouettes
    silhouettes Posts: 517 Member
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    I have always lived by the motto, when it comes to money, if you let someone borrow money be prepared to kiss it goodbye. the same goes with cosigning a loan or any other thing for that matter. It is a hard lesson to learn. If this guy is still hanging around, the only one it is affecting is you. Don't let him him have that kind of control on you mood. He is not worth it. Life is too short to let something like that get on your nerves.

    I have learned this the hard way.. Like I said the guy lived with us for awhile.. he was Josh's best friend, he broke that bond.. that trust. I realize the money will never be paid back. I accept that.. Even if I ever forgave him or gave him a second chance... I am not holding my breath for the money.

    The how part about it that hurts me more than anything that I am having a hard time forgiving is trust, betrayal. I always knew he was childish... but I never knew how low he could go. I find it hard to forgive when my trust is shattered so much.

    Trust and truth is so big for me and he knew that and he betrayed me. That hurts the most and still does to this day.
  • Li_Willi
    Li_Willi Posts: 96 Member
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    Might I add that forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean that person is supposed to be back in our lives either.... just a thought.
  • kristidem
    kristidem Posts: 160 Member
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    I agree with this. What good will it do to give wrath and pain and questions? Sometimes it's just not worth it. Simply stating to this guy that what he did was horrible, it's in the past. You could also say that it would be really great to you and your hubby if he could help pay some of the remaining debt. If not, let it go. Let him be your hubby's friend and not yours.
  • Ms_Natalie
    Ms_Natalie Posts: 1,030 Member
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    Maybe he's trying to start the ball rolling to pay you off?? If not then...

    Have you thought about taking him through the courts for this money he owes?

    If he were a close friend then I would maybe try and come to an agreement....but it doesn't sound like that.

    Life is too short to hold grudges but he cannot think that getting close to your OH will earn him brownie points...do you think he may be trying to do this?

    I'm not sure...none of us know the situation personally, only you can decide what you want to do...maybe take a few days away from it and then revisit the situation?

    :flowerforyou:
  • Li_Willi
    Li_Willi Posts: 96 Member
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    Being a Christian I would try my best to forgive him, as I've been forgiven for things I've done. We've all treated God badly, ignored and hurt him but He forgave us and died for us. Jesus tells us to love our enemies and forgive seventy time seven times. Many people may tell you he's a jerk and doesn't deserve your forgiveness, that may be true but how can you expect forgiveness if you don't give it. I'm sure you have or someday will do something that puts you in a position that you need forgiveness. Don't keep carrying that burden around. So where I'm coming from I say you should forgive him :)

    Where's the "Like" button when you need it? :-)
  • Bridgetc140
    Bridgetc140 Posts: 405 Member
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    Um, he doesn't like confrontations because he is a user and a coward...I just don't know what talking to him will do for you...so, he's sorry...big wup...if he were sorry, he would attempt to make it better and put up some $$$$.

    AGREE!!!
  • Li_Willi
    Li_Willi Posts: 96 Member
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    ,
  • silhouettes
    silhouettes Posts: 517 Member
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    I will post our conversation here.. I made the first step and he answered me within 15 minutes.. here is our conversation so far.

    ME: Josh said you wanted or was willing to talk to me. I was going to message you sooner.. but didn't know what to say, I still don't.

    I am not making the first step.

    I won't lie and say I'm not still mad, but I will listen.

    It's up to you... you can contact me here or I can give you my email.

    HIM: I understand completely. I dont really know what to say either. I understand completely why you are and were upset. What i did i think we can all agree was soooo irresponsible and disrespectful. I had 2 really amazing friends before i ruined that relationship. It sucks a lot and i wish it had never happened. I think about you guys and talk about you guys lots and it hurts lots too. I wish i could take it back but sadly it doesnt work that way...i just know that i am soo terribly sorry and i just want my friends back. if thats not possible ill still understand!

    ME: I have been waiting all these years for you to make the first move.. before I even decided if I could ever forgive you.

    In my eyes you did this... you should make the first move.

    I realized though you weren't going to do that.. when Josh mentioned me emailing you.. I guess I kinda knew that all along... you always hated to be confronted by people.

    But in order to even start to fix this.. if it's even possible at this point your gonna have to do just that. I am still angry.. and I still have questions and heck I'd probably scream alot... and I'll promise you it'd be awkward... but I can't see any other way.

    I don't want to start something you will back down from. I still remember the time you ran with Josh's car because you didn't want to face him afterwards. You have to be willing to face this no matter what... or I don't even want to try.

    HIM: Yea i hate to be confronted. but i would be willing to work this out. i dont know how much i can do but i can always listen talk and work it out. whatever you would have to say i would listen carefully and as for awkward...well i am used to that. haha but seriously i am down to fix it.

    ME: I will say right off the bat.. that this isn't neccessarily about the money.. I mean I was pretty ticked about that and I am still am... I still owe my parents.. but it was my mistake trusting you, I learned... what hurts the most is the betrayal and the trust being broken... you should have known more than anyone else how important trust is to me.. and it's so fragile...

    Anyway I won't rant now.. now's not the time. I will talk to Josh. I will have him set something up with you so we can talk. I think no matter how awkward this has to be face to face. This can't be done online... I wish it could... no offense but seeing you is hard and I don't know how this will turn out.. but I can promise I won't try to murder you, good enough? hah.

    Let me talk to Josh, I'll either give you our number or get yours and the two of you can plan something and we'll all meet somewhere sometime somehow. We can even bring a 4th party like Zack (I think he knows most of it indirectly I never actually talked about it to him) if you want or not... I don't really care, it can just be the 3 of us.. just trying to figure the best way to make this as less awkward as possible... but lets know what we are getting into before we do.. I don't want to show up to a room full of 20 ppl I wasn't expecting.

    Oh and my parents are even less forgiving than me... we moved to their old house so I'd avoid coming out here... no offense again... but I like my head still attached to my shoulders.

    Sound ok?
    That's it so far he hasn't answered. Do you guys have thoughts on this? I have no clue how seeing him again will be.. I don't know if I can handle it... but I decided to try.

    Do you think he really is sorry like he says he is?

    How would you go about this "meeting"?
  • silhouettes
    silhouettes Posts: 517 Member
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    Oh the part out my parents.. we co-own this house. They treatened to call the cops if they ever seen him again.. they are after all the one out money since we haven't paid them back yet. I didn't want him to show up unannounced and get me in deep trouble with my family over him.

    He's not worth it. At least not right now. Maybe not ever.
  • kirstinkrueger
    kirstinkrueger Posts: 346
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    If you want answers, write him, ask him to explain, tell him you expect an apology and hope he writes back.
    If you are ok with moving on, let it go and don't even bother trying, if he is really sorry and wants to talk to you he will.
    So it just depends on what you want to do. I am in a similar situation, but she wrote me, apologized, and said she wanted to start over, I told her thank you for finally saying it but I wasn't into giving second chances, I forgive but I don't forget! Good luck girly!


    **editied to say the other posts came up after i posted this haha**
  • kirstinkrueger
    kirstinkrueger Posts: 346
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    i wouldn't meet him, but thats me. no way no how!
  • mufiey
    mufiey Posts: 38
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    tell him how you feel. write it out in a personal message on Facebook not on the wall for everyone to see. doing this will allow you to get the feelings off your chest. once you have done this be done with it. don't keep on at him. get it all out then and let him know that's what you are doing. then FORGIVE him yes i said forgive him. see you forgive someone so you can let go of it not so they can. you can forgive someone and never tell them but forgiving them helps you move on . now remember though just because you forgave him this does not mean you will forget! ! ! ! never make that mistake with him again and be on your guard with him concerning any other type of decisions he could take advantage of you in. because he sounds like a sleeze and you will probably never get your money back. and never let him stay with you.
  • chasingskinny
    chasingskinny Posts: 54
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    Okay, as everyone else said, he is a liar a coward, and just a real dirt bag. That being said, not forgiving him is eating away at your emotions. (I remember a quote by someone that said "forgive - not for them, but for yourself" - it's so true) My advice? Forgive him, let him and your hubby be friends. Heck, even let him come over every now and then if he wants. Make sure he knows you know what he kind of person he is and you are choosing to be civil in spite of it. DON'T EVER trust him, and don't forget the past or you'll end up repeating some version of it.
  • koosdel
    koosdel Posts: 3,317 Member
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    If I may, my opinion on forgiveness.
    I know its hard, I know sometime it doesn't seem right for you to be the one who steps forward.

    Forgiveness isn't about the crime, it isn't about 'them' it isn't about regret. It is about you and your well-being. When you forgive someone, you don't have to put stipulations on it, you don't have to bring this person back into your life, and you don't have to talk about what they did.

    It's all about you. Not, well you did this so I did that. It's just about you. I'm not telling you to forgive this person, honestly I didn't read the part of your post about what they did. I only read how it is making you feel. I can say that if you are still dwelling on their actions, maybe it is time to forgive and forget.

    I really hope everything works out for you.
  • aliciadpo
    aliciadpo Posts: 69 Member
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    1.) Forgive. You should always forgive. This does not mean you forget what happened. I have a situation with a friend from high school (she still thinks I haven't forgiven but I have)....which leads to #2
    2.) Detachment - you have to detach yourself from the situation. You have to detach for yourself and for no one else. If you are like most people, you have enough going on in your life, you don't need anyone elses DRAMA. You don't have to be friends with or hang out with anyone you don't want to but you can forgive and always be cordial with someone. Let go and let God :)
  • aliciadpo
    aliciadpo Posts: 69 Member
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    Also, you don't have to tell someone, "I forgive you". You can forgive without having to prove it to anyone
  • silhouettes
    silhouettes Posts: 517 Member
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    Thank you for all your answers. I have decided to let him have his say because I can't find myself to forgive him without talking to him. I have tried and I just can't.

    We are going to meet, him, me, my husband and a mutual friend on Friday (after a Church event no less.. apparently he goes to Church alot now) and talk. I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel I have to do this face to face or not at all. I will be seeing him in person after this.. no longer avoid going with Josh's to his friend's outtings because I am afraid I will see him.

    I figure get all the awkwardness out in the beginning. I can't lie I am nervous... but I feel I have to do this.

    I will let you guys know how it goes.. wish me luck... I think I need it.
  • silhouettes
    silhouettes Posts: 517 Member
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    The "meeting" still hasn't happened so I have no news... with all the holiday's I am clueless to when it will if it does happen.. but I'll keep you guys updated.
  • bigjon1784
    bigjon1784 Posts: 1 Member
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    In my opinion, I agree with previous poster that you should forgive him, or at very least let go of the anger. HOWEVER, he is still one to keep at arms length, and , unless he makes a huge change or trun around, then don't make this person part of your life. There are many people that we rub shoulders with that don't change OUR values or principles, so go on with your life. I am sure your husband will and should understand. The thing that puzzles me is that why would he continue to be friends with this person if his standards are I expect higher.
    Move on and don't let it consume you, your better than that!
  • chantel14
    chantel14 Posts: 128
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    I would say forgive him for your own personal reasons... But I definitely wouldn't want someone like that in your life.

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