My Neverending Quest for Approval

amjmomma

The last time I looked in a mirror and REALLY felt great was Christmas of 1997. I can remember the experience as vividly as if it had happened five minutes ago. I was 18, I was home for break from my first year of college. I had spent most of the three weeks home in bed because I had mono, strep throat, and a staff infection all at the same time. It was miserable. Before I had gotten sick, I was weighing in at a healthy 160. I had lost the freshman 15 rather than gained it. Then, while I was stuck in bed, I lost another 10 pounds. Not the best way to do it, of course, but I sure did feel great. Anyway, I was standing in a Victoria's Secret with my friend who was returning some underwear. By principle, I NEVER go into Victoria's Secret. I loathe that store!! It makes ordinary women feel inadequate. That's another message, though. I was standing in line with her, and I caught a glimpse of myself in one of their many mirrors from the side. At first, I had to do a double take because for a split second I wasn't even sure it was me. I can remember feeling this sense of euphoria that I had never experienced before.

Like a lot of us here on MFP, we have been conditioned all our lives to believe that we aren't good enough the way we are. My parents always praised me, but there was always one area where I was completely lacking and that was my eating habits and my weight. My mother commented endlessly to me and my sister and to this day, she still does. I can understand her motivation and her intentions, but if I could change her approach I would. I always told myself how ugly I was. " You can never be as pretty as Sarah, Lindsay! (Sarah was, and is, an exotically beautiful friend of mine. Ironically, she hates the way she looks, though. I guess no one is safe from their demons.) You can never be skinny, Lindsay! You are a failure, Lindsay! You are ugly and fat, Lindsay!" The insults kept coming, and even though I know none of those statements are true, I truly believed them. I still do to some degree...

Now, I am fortunate in that I have a husband who is always telling me how beautiful I am. After having four children, my stomach hangs like a deflated balloon. I have a few chins and my thighs rub together when I walk. But, he still tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. I wish I could believe him. I still think those horrible things. My husband has never lied to me. He always tells me the truth. My children tell me the truth. They all tell me that I am beautiful just the way that I am. But, I never seem to believe them. My inner demons are much more cunning, much more convincing then the sweet words of my loved ones. Every day since that December day in 1997, I have been trying to feel the way I felt when I looked in that mirror. I don't know how it will go. Will I FINALLY reach my goal and all of a sudden those evil thoughts will disappear? I doubt it. Like I have read so many times on here, this is a journey, one we learn so much on while we do it. I would love to think that if I can get to 150 again (I am 5'8") I will look in the mirror and truly be happy. But, I would love it even more if I could look in the mirror now, at 203 pounds, and love who I see. Someday...

SusieB01

WOW!

I can identify with your feelings, but I think that there are some things that we just have to work through before we can feel good about ourselves. I don't know what it is, but quite a few women I know aren't satisfied with themselves. Most guys don't even think twice about that. I don't mean to be offensive--just the opposite. Most males I know have a generally healthier attitude toward themselves than women do. Why can't we be like that?

reese66

You are beautiful!!! Thank you for telling your story...

Have faith in yourself, with dedication and hard work you can reach your goals!!!

denisecc

I really relate to what you say..My husband tells me all the time how beautiful I am, I just don't see it. On the positive side I know that if I keep eating well, and keep with the exercising I will finally see what I can love some day. Just think of the positive outcome you will have, and you will see that beautiful woman in the mirror you seen before. It does take dedication, I am here to tell you. I have been doing this since January, and I have had ups and downs and I have wanted to give up, but I read stories on here and get such nice motivation from friends on here it helps me. You can do this. I look at your pic and see a very beautiful young woman, don't ever think of anything less of yourself.....

bassetthree

What a well written description of how so many of us feel. I have tears welled up! You are beautiful... truly beautiful. I think we all just want our outsides to match our insides and be just as flattering from every angle. We want our spouses and partners to be in awe of our bodies and be proud to have us on their arm. I am glad your husband already feels that way.

Thanks for your post. It is a heartfelt reminder of some of reason we are doing this. For health reasons.... absolutely but for vanity reasons as well. Its human nature to want to be your best possible self.

I wish you every possible success on your journey.
Karen

Behavioral

I can see in your picture that you are very beautiful. Your family is telling the truth. Believe it.

Tzavush

Thanks for sharing Lindsay!
I'm always so amazed to hear that other people fell and experience the things I feel and think and see in myself.
You are beautiful, and caring and wonderful and its so truly inspiring that your family sees that and shares that with you.
Its so easy for us to think that we will just flip a switch and be perfect when we reach the goal weight, but I think its more than that. I think the switch will gradually move AS we change.

You are fabulous Lindsay!!!
And you will find the beautiful person who is sitting there inside you- hopefully you will find her long before you ever reach that magical number on the scale..because the number on the scale is just a number, the beautiful person has been there all this time just waiting for you to finally realize she is there!!

doobabe

Well, this is obviously a common thing with us girls. I, too, am told on a regular basis how beautiful I am by my husband but I cannot see what he sees. Instead, I am always finding SOMETHING that needs to be "fixed".

Honestly though, I have NEVER been happy with what I saw in the mirror and I am a model! I think it could be considered "normal" to have these feelings, especially in the society that we live in today.

However, our crazy girl feelings aside, we ARE beautiful. Even if no one else thought so, it would still be true. And, lucky us- the most important people in the world are very happy with what they see and that is all that really matters in the end. What I am trying to say.................. is that, I dont think our human nature will allow us to be completely happy with our appearance and we should value the opinion of those who love us most!

bugnbeansmom

Oh sis! You are not alone! I think this might just be a people thing. I struggle with body image as well. I have started trying to focus on one thing that I REALLY like. For me it is my back and always has been. When I am feeling down about my love handles or bat wings, I turn around and check out my back. Strong and lean. I figure it is just setting the example for the rest of the part I don't like so much. The thing is, as I have gotten older, I have learned to look at everyone that I meet or know and have made it a point to really look at the feature on that person that is beautiful. I believe everyone has one. So my nose is big. Oh well becuse my eyes are a strange hazel color that is uniquely me. So that lady has a larger than average mid-section. Oh well because her legs are AWESOME! Just remember. Someone like me is looking at you and wishing they had that one thing that makes you uniquely you and beautiful! Keep your head up. And here is to the beautiful you! :drinker:

SmashleeWpg

What a poignant post! I think almost everyone (especially on MFP) can relate to your words in one way or another - and you expressed yourself beautifully. Thanks so much for sharing, and reminding us all about what is really important

amjmomma

Thanks everyone for your support! We should issue ourselves a challenge that every time we look in a mirror, we need to say something about ourselves that we love. It can be physical or mental or emotional, whatever. People might think we are crazy if we are at a public restroom or something talking to ourselves, but hey, if that's what it takes for us to finally see in ourselves what everyone else sees, then so be it!