How to Handle an Upsetting Comment

BflSaberfan

Maybe I'm odd but I would prefer alittle honesty. My boyfriend tells me I look great no matter what I wear ....ugh...THAT gets frustrating.

But it does sound like he was being insensitive the WAY he said it. He could ahve easily said something else that meant the same thing. He needs to learn how to speak to a woman.

RecliningFigure

I love good cheese and will not give it up. I just limit myself to special occasions, and save my calories to the moments of when I can have my favorite cheese (maybe after a week of great exercise so I won't feel guilty).

Now in terms of that comment, I can say that my husband would never say that to me (and let me tell you he can be insensitive). But if your boyfriend used the word fat, then I think it's an indication of a few possibilities. 1) He is clueless when it comes to knowing you and how to communicate with some tact. This is the not so bad scenario but it's not good. It probably means that if he is at least mid-20s, then he will probably not change. I don't really believe in "I can change him" possibilities. If you've been together for a while and he still doesn't know that saying such a thing would hurt you, then he's not going to learn permanently. 2) He knows better but doesn't care to think about your feelings. My husband knows better and would never use that word with me. He's made a comment that I can use it, but he can't (and he's right). He probably would have said something like "that outfit isn't very flattering on you." Same information, but without the hurtful result. And when he notices that I'm not doing what I need to, he has said "You were doing so well last week, are you sure you want to go for that...." Although I have to say it could have been worse, and rather than putting the blame on the outfit, he could have outright call you that. In his mind, he probably thinks that so long as he didn't call you that, that it was ok.

Now how to handle it. Talk to him and tell him that what he said really hurt you. Tell him that this is something that not only that you're struggling with but that it's also something that you're sensitive about. And when you are made to feel bad about yourself, and that IS how you felt when he said that, then not only is it more difficult to do what you need to do, but that you don't feel that you have the kind of support in your relationship. Then if he can't respond in the right way (meaning understand what he did and try to make up for it/instead get defensive and more insulting... and of course it depends on how to present this to him, to be honest and not blaming... "you're words made me feel this way and I haven't been able to shake it off..." Not "you were really mean to say that...." ) so if he can't respond in the right way, then it's time to move on and find someone who can act in a respectful and supportive way.

byHISstrength

I don't know about anyone else, but I have said things that later felt bad about. Maybe your boyfriend was upset about something else and just acted out on you.

I'm sure anyone who is married can attest to the fact that our spouse has said or done something that just is plain mean. We are not perfect.

You just have to pay attention, and if this kind of thing becomes a habit, THEN re-evaluate your relationship.

Blessings!

randa_behnam

:flowerforyou:

Thanks Everyone for posting however I didn't realized it would just be a bunch of posts to Murder him or ditch him. After 6 years of being together this is the first time he has ever been anything but supportive.

I was looking for advice on how to talk to him not break up for him and now I'm just more hurt by the lack of support on here. I am not emotionally or verbally abused and ALL OF US have said something stupid in our lives so remember that. Please only post if you have a constructive thing to say.

I thought my comment was ok, like i said, why dont u ask him to help you with your weight loss? I know everyone is saying that hes out of line etc but he may not know the exact words to say. If he asked you "do you think you look ok" then what did you reply? if yes then good for you. he will accept that you are happy as you are, if the answer is no then he is probably just trying to open your eyes up. Has anyone ever asked you that before or said that to you before? i know from my experiences that i never get anywhere if all i ever hear from people is "yea you look fine" or "nooo your not fat" when you know they dont want to be honest and hurt your feelings.

Also the last thing i want to do is go out looking hideous in something that is too tight or unflattering for me. Again you are the only one who can sort your weight loss out, but to me it sounds more like hes trying to push you in the right direction. Maybe some tough love is what you need? he is probably helping you without you even knowing it, because its pushed you to admit your cheese addiction hasnt it? :flowerforyou:

nehtaeh

Honey, you did not put all that information about his years of support in your initial post. Out of context, people could only comment on what you wrote and how we would handle it. If you want help on how to explain your feelings to him you should have written that instead and I'm sure those are the responses you would have received.

Go to him and tell him how his comment made you feel. Let him explain what he was trying to do and inform him that 'tough love' doesn't work on everyone and for you it makes things harder because you feel depressed and like giving up. Suggest some things he can do that would make losing the weight easier since he wants to help. Things like working out with you or helping make or try leaner recipes. Tell him that you respond better to positive reinforcement so commenting on the things you do right really motivates you. Hope it helps.

By the by, my husband would never say anything like that because he would never think it. If I wanted cheese he would buy me cheese and elastic pants.

Good post...OP - if you had put all that in your initial post you would have gotten different responses. We don't know your situation. We don't know if that happens all the time or if he's abusive - because that could easily be a really bad statement given the circumstances.

If you don't like how he said it, talk to him and ask him to rephrase. Maybe say that you'd look better in something else or that is not the most flattering outfit. If he's concerned about your weight, ask him to help you by not getting junk in the house and by helping you workout - even if he doesn't want to. Maybe he just doesn't know how to talk to you about weight. This obviously upset you so talk to him about how he said it.

AlwaysWanderer

I say to my husband
Me: "I'm fat
Hubby: You are not fat
Me: I know I am, why you keep lying to me?
hubby: Cz I know you'll kill me if I say otherwise"
Meaning - you are fat but I'm too smart to say it aloud
I've convinced him now to say the truth as it is. If you cant take it from your bf/husband, how could you take it from strangers?
No doubt you're like me, always complaying about being overweight. Maybe your boyfriend's response was simply saying - do something about it! If you are unhappy as you are, then he probably isnt happy about it too. If being supportive didnt work, he's trying different approach - sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Just talk to him - say that you need help loosing weight - not just "you are doing great!" type, but going for a walk together, maybe taking up a sport... And tell him not to call you fat again

Plumpqt

To all of the people say brutal honesty blah blah blah there are many ways to say choose something else without being hurtfull
You do not need to hear your fat at any time, if your overweight even a little bit im sure you know it nobody is that blind to it especially woman who are totally body conscious. It was rude and uncalled for! NOT ACCEPTABLE EVER! its a hindrence not a help

millymoozie

I've been dieting since Christmas but haven't really exercised so I've only lost 8 pounds, 5 before myfitnesspal and 3 on it. I have just really started exercising now that the weather is better but I love certain foods like anything cheese that I'm having trouble "giving up"

Last night my boyfriend told me I "look fat in that outfit" and asked me if I feel good about myself. :embarassed: I'm not so much mad because I needed a good kick in the butt, however now I'm feeling like he is watching my every move. How do I handle this?

"CAN EVERYONE PLEASE STOP POSTING THAT I SHOULD KILL OR BREAK UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND. I'M LOOKING FOR SUPPORT FOR A COMMENT AND THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED"
ok so now im upset too with your comment ,like you think the people giving you an answer are interfering in your life & giving you wrong advise & no support ,you posted this & want peoples advise on what you wrote ,you got peoples opinion which is what you wanted & some of us told our life story ! you know it wasnt a nice thing for him to say & thats why your troubled by it & thats why you posted ,he may well of had good intentions ,but it has affected you ,right ! think! before you post ,or, word it better so people understand what support you are asking for & i think your comment to the people that have answered is maybe a little hurtfull to them ,just like your boyfriend ,even if the comment is the truth there is better ways to word it .