are you allowed to get angry?

keljo05

I'm having the continuation of last weeks bad week and really want to just hide under a rock until whatever planetary disturbance ( or whatever else is creating this) goes away. This is a rant/vent. I need to spill somewhere and can't show that I'm angry to those around me as they all tell me I'm wrong.... I may end up removing this later.. but for right now needed to at least write it out.

Had a horrendous day at work yesterday and while eating within my calorie limits... I'm still eating too much sugar and chocolate. Working to stop that today... however ended up working an extra 3 hours yesterday ( salaried so no extra $$) because my boss is in one of her obsessive moods. I have 6 weeks left to the 10year mark and then I think I'm moving on. She had a career ending injury last year and has become progressively worse over the last 16 months. I unfortunately share an office with her and get the brunt of it all. ugh.

Today was the day my husband had to go back in to correct either the loose screw or the bad lead on the cardioverter device he had put in last week. His dad took him in so DS and I could stay home. It was supposed to be a minor thing and he was potentially supposed to be home today.. tomorrow at the latest, although we were all hoping for today.

Well by the time he got to the hospital he had mild chest pain.. and was disoriented. they are admitting him for observation to make sure his blood enzymes are ok and that he doesn't have another infection in his body. The disorientation was due to his blood sugar being 57. Granted this isn't a huge delay. If they can they will do the surgery this afternoon.. at the latest tomorrow and the latest he will come home in saturday.

but no one seems to get why I'm so angry. it's not him per se... its the health issues and how it impacts me.. and with no one understanding or letting me be angry.. it invalidates me. I'm having a hard enough time with that feeling with other things at home and work this week. I really just need someone to say that I have a right to be angry and that it's understandable and healthy to express it. As it is I can't show how much I want to scream or cry ( or both)

I'm 41... my husband is 36. I'm caregiver and breadwinner and caretaker of the house and our son. I didn't ask for any of this. He goes into the hospital and thats it. I get grief from my IL's over watching our son if I have to work.. heaven forbid my boss let me take a sick day.. my mom watches DS when she can.. but she works overnights in a jail ( she's a nurse) and is 66... its not easy for her.

my IL's get to go home and just talk to DH for updates or general things. He doesn't tell them how angry or frustrated he is.. but I hear it all the time ( please.. not back to why I stay.. this is not a post for that today)

I can absolutely trace all of the health issues for the last 6+ months back to nearly 3 years ago when he didn't properly take care of diabetic foot ulcers. Its really clear. He didn't monitor his sugar ( you can't force someone when they refuse to take care of themselves).. his ranges were 400-600+ back then... he got the ulcers.. basically put bandaids on them.. told me podiatrists had no clue on what to do and were useless. this was August. by january was the first hospitalization for a bone infection. Then his retinas started with massive bleeding... several surgeries for that... then another bone infection in July. we separated for a few weeks at that point because he was told to not work anymore and this was all preventable if he had tried! If he had tried and this all still happened, yes I would view things differently. He chose to ignore his health and do part of the work ( ie never, ever finished any of the antibiotics that have been given to him time and time again). fast forward now to november and the massive heart attack and multi system organ failure. At one point one of his sisters was screaming at me because of the lack of oxygen to his brain during the heart attack and that I shouldn't sign the surgery consent to drain the massive infection that resulted in the heart attack. She wanted to keep his leg whole and let him die instead of potentially cutting his leg off at the knee ( he was sedated thru all of this and in the end he did keep his leg.. yet another miracle considering they removed a gallon of infection at bedside) The thing with the oxygen and the heart attack was that he coded AT the hospital - they had no idea what was wrong before that... we didn't know at that point that a blood clot was 100% blocking a main artery to the front of the heart. His condition at that point was so severe there were never less then 6 people in the ER room. He coded and I saw the nurse jump on the table to administer the cpr.. THERE WAS LITTLE OXYGEN DEPRIVATION!!! ugh... after he got out of the hospital he went back in from the external defibrulator going off (machine malfunction of all things.. wasn't him).. then back in again for a severe pinky toe infection... that resulted in a 12 day stay and the ultimate removal of his pinky toe. WHen he came home from that.. i had to do IV antibiotics every night for about 5 weeks..... after that.. he had 2 heart related issues that ended up in one ER visit with them discharging him same day ( can't remember if he went via ambulance that time) then another ambulance ( they are getting to know us so well) and admission for the congestive heart failure... and now this.

oh and foot ulcers are STILL there albeit very small now. He was supposed to start skin grafts tomorrow to finally get them closed and gone.

can't I be frustrated? can't I be angry? why can't people see how this is hard on me too? how the constant uncertainty and unstability of a normal predictable life is a lot of pressure. The constant wondering of 'what's next'.. the constant wondering how long DH will live for. DH doesn't get it even with the now running joke that he has to be in the hospital for a 3 day minimum to get visitors... Our son is only 4... not the easiest age to be in and out of hospitals.. and he's getting awful separation anxiety now with me because of it. I can't even take him to the gym kids club. Leaving for work some days is torture. I joined the gym in February for two reasons... first to get healhthier.. second was stress relief and I haven't been able to go all week btwn home things and work.. and tomorrow is uncertain as of right now. If my FIL watches DS all day then I'll go at lunch.

arrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shannon023

I'd say you're WELL within reason to be angry, frustrated, upset and fed up! I would be and would be resentful at the people not offering me any support. :flowerforyou:

Don't feel guilty when you take time to do things for you. You need to be fit physically & mentally for yourself and your son.

abbie017

You can definitely be angry! Find a minute to yourself at home and just scream at the top of your lungs and let it all out. Best wishes to you and your family...

ZachyABaby

i am. **** em all

anemoneflynn

I"m so sorry to hear about the struggles you're going through right now. I can identify with several of them, and I understand how frustrating and stressful it can all be. I'll be praying for you, and hopefully your husband will wake up to what's going on and start doing a better job at taking care of himself and you. !

kjensen15

You have every right to be angry! You are taking on A LOT! You seem like a very strong woman!

Just keep taking time for yourself!!!

keljo05

thanks.. you may be online.. but sometimes I just need to be understood and have people say its ok and that I have a right to be angry without having to defend myself on why I'm angry... whichis ironic as it makes me angrier, lol

I'm looking forward to having a fun afternoon with DS.. we are going out to lunch and then to see the movie Rio. My son LOVES the Angry Birds games ( have the original and Rio version on my phone) and I found out yesterday that RIO is loosely based off the game, lol.

Mojo3929

Get in your car by yourself, lock the doors, and scream. Keep screaming until you feel like it's mostly out. It will never be all out until the situations resolve.

If you weren't angry, you would be wrong. You are doing everything you can, and it sounds like you're swimming in emotional poison. If your husband's family chooses to yell at you again, cut them out of the process. They may be hurting and scared, but they have no right to take it out on you. Make sure they understand why you're cutting them out, and tell them you wish they were more supportive of your entire family, not just their brother.

It sounds like leaving the job you have would also be a healthy thing for you. Can you put on headphones at all to drown out the boss?

You've got my prayers.

lindalee0315

Wow. There is a lot here to respond to. First, I'm sorry that you're going through such a terrible time. Second, you are perfectly normal to be angry. It's not "just" your husband's constant health battles, it's that they have a huge impact on your life, and that impact is minimized. I get it. My father was very sick last year, and ultimately lost his battle with cancer. During his last illness, I was with him constantly, but while I couldn't imagine being anywhere else, I also felt tremendous guilt. I have a 2 year old son, whom I was neglecting. A job that I took a leave from (and a corresponding financial hit for my family). My husband's family was a huge help, but there was drama there, too. No matter where you go, you feel guilty because you are not somewhere else, doing something else for someone else. Everyone pulls at you, and you get angry because you simly cannot do it all, and you are so worried that someone you love is failing fast. Plus, you have the added component that much of the health issues were totally preventable. I didn't have to deal with that aspect. Frankly, your husband's failure to take care of himself is a bit selfish, as it's placed a huge burden on you. Yes, it's no picnic being sick--but it's no picnic being the single mom, breadwinner, housecleaner, transportation logistics manager, etc. So, let it out. Cry, scream. You're being perfectly normal and reasonable.

Mamoonie

I hear you!
Of course you are allowed to get angry! You couldn't prevent it anyway...

With all what's going on in your life, you need to make some free room for yourself, you need some "me-time". Even if it's only 15 minutes per day, but have them "every" day! Use them to have a bath, or read a book, or chat with a friend, or do some workout... whatever frees your mind for a short time.
Even if your son has some anxiety right now, he will learn that if he lets you have this short break, you'll be "better" when you "come back", you'll be more peaceful, more relaxed, more patient...

Take some time for yourself, take a break, insist on doing it! It'll do you good!

MM

joybell32

best of luck to you! you have every right to be angry..ALL of it could have been prevented! I went thru the same with my mom. She was a severe diabetic, non-compliant except for when she had her CABG surgeries. Best of luck to you! Take care of you and your precious boy!

perrytyra

Vent away. I am sorry you are going through this. Sending prayers.

Atlantique

Of course you have a right to be angry! You are carrying an awful lot on your shoulders even without being a caretaker!

Is it at all possible to get some help? Sometimes insurance programs provide more home health aide or visiting nurse support than people realize. It might be a good idea to call the insurance provider and ask about this benefit, in case it's available to you and you just didn't know.

But it also might be a good idea to talk to someone-some sort of counselor or a support group for other caretakers.I know it must seem impossible to find any time for such a thing, but it would probably be very helpful for you to have a place to speak freely and see that you aren't alone or somehow a 'bad person' for feeling frustrated and angry at times.

Good luck.

sofaking6

Yes you are allowed to get angry. You have every right to, as the one bearing the brunt of all of this trauma.

Is there anyone you can talk to in person?? Do a couplefew shots with?

Many hugs to you...and I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this crud