Too skinny for him....but not for me ;(

she_elf

He very well might have a valid point. Perhaps he's jealous, perhaps he just likes curves. But maybe you are actually starting to look too thin. Keep in mind that you will almost always see yourself as bigger than you actually are. It's actually a built-in human cognition. So perhaps you look at yourself and see all the fat you still need to lose, but in reality you're there. Or perhaps you're simply fixated on that number and ignoring how you actually look.

Has anyone else close to you expressed concern? Talk to some of your closest friends and have them give you their honest opinions about how you look and/or your goal weight. Talk to your family. If some of your friends and family think that you are getting too obsessive about being healthy or getting too skinny, maybe you actually are. If they think that you're right on track, then it could be that he's just worried about you losing your curves or something like that.

If, after talking to close friends and family, you determine that he's the only one who feels that way, I would honestly suggest talking openly and honestly with him. Ask him what he's afraid of. Is he afraid of you attracting other men? Afraid of you pushing yourself too far? Afraid that you'll lose all your feminine curves? If, after talking to him, he still isn't really giving you an answer other than "I think you look fine now and would be too skinny at 130", then I would recommend going to see a marriage counselor. As a psychology major, I think everyone should see a therapist now and again anyway. I know there's a lot of stigma surrounding counseling, but remember that it's not you saying that there's a major problem in the marriage, or that you can't handle it yourselves. Counseling can be a really good way to deepen your bond and grow together.

Perhaps you could also see a nutritionist or just go to your regular doctor and discuss your weight loss and weight loss goals. Does your doctor think it's healthy? Maybe take your husband along with you so that he can hear it straight from a doctor.

crystal_sapphire

It has ben statistically proven that men prefer curvy women over rail thin women. yet women seem to think that they have to be rail thin to be found attractive by a man.

ugh.

1. some women don't have curves in their shape. it's called having a rectangular shaped body where your hips waist and bust have the same measurement essentially

2. She's not getting to some "rail thin" weight. she's getting down to 130 and it short. nothing wrong with her weight goal at all. i don't even get where you're getting that from to be honest.

3. not all men prefer curvy which doesn't equal fat btw.

this is coming from someone who is pear shaped. women have different body shapes that should all be celebrated

rnprincess

Since he is supportive, and definitely not the jealous type, I think you definitely need to keep going-until you get to the size that YOU feel best at, it may be your goal weight-a little more or a little less, but you will not know if you do not keep going. If you are like me I tend to obsess with getting everything written down, and counting everything he may be concerned that you are just going to the extreme. Maybe don't talk about it so much. If he loves you and is as great as you say he will continue to support you.

sinclare

keep going! you are doing awesome! maybe just don't talk about it so much, or bore him with details.
he sounds nice, he probably just wanted you to not push yourself so hard.
maybe that's his way of being supportive?
just random thoughts

Ladydi1982

Totaly not the jealous type at all gals.....trust me, the absolute right amount of caring and understanding in our relationship.
the big question is, " do I keep going and reach my goal, or do I stop now cause I know it might make him happy?"

It might be a good idea to keep going. In my personal opinion, he might be afraid you will be too skinny when you get to your goal, but he really doesn't know because he hasn't seen the results yet. When you get to your goal weight, let him know how you feel about how you look. Who knows, he just may surprise himself and love the new you!

Pretty_n_Pink

Totaly not the jealous type at all gals.....trust me, the absolute right amount of caring and understanding in our relationship.
the big question is, " do I keep going and reach my goal, or do I stop now cause I know it might make him happy?"

If you stop now, how will you feel about yourself? Are you the type of person that if you don't complete a goal you'll feel bad about it or be angry with yourself? If you are you might be setting yourself up to gain your weight back. I don't know how often you "report" your dieting/weight loss to him, but maybe if it's a constant topic of discussion he might be tired of hearing about it. You say he's not jealous, and very supportive then maybe you are just talking about it so much (which I think you should, you've done a great job), but maybe he just doesn't need to hear about it all the time.

And if he really is one of those guys that like a little cushin, pudge, whatever you want to call it, and if you are happy with your current weight figure then maybe it's time to maintain, just as long as both of you are happy.

annieemmons

I agree w/Elizabeth C34! Think about all the extra energy you guys will have for your special alone time! My husband's always been a bit large, but when we started dating I was super skinny, 5'2, 98 lbs. He's not had issues with my weight or attractiveness at any weight, when we got married I was 165 and a sz 14. My goal and height are very close to yours, 135 lbs which would but me pretty much in the mid-upper tosection of my "ideal weight range" per BMI. Your weight goal sounds healthy. Just remember, the weight itself isn't necessarily the only "goal" you can shoot for. Personally, I'd like to be about a size 8, which is about what I was when I last weighed 135 lbs and the size I honestly thought myself most attractive. Plus, muscle gain is likely with serious lifestyle changes too and you may find yourself gaining some and not quite reaching your goal, but still loosing more in the waist. Overall, I think you have a good goal. Plus, when you feel more physically attractive and have more energy due to your progress, you're more likely to want some more "special alone time" and that is sure to make him happy Might be a fun topic to discuss with him yourself.

robertf57

You know, the psychobabble of this thread is alittle disturbing. The poster noted her man was not pushing her in any direction or being a jerk, yet a pleurality of the responses talk about asking him about what he is afraid of, etc! As a man, I suspect he prefers a little more meat on the frame. Particularly since that was your condition when you two met.

Ultimately, this journey is yours; but remeber he is along for the ride and I would express clearly how you feel about your goal and try and garner his continued support for your efforts. I know if you came to me and asked me what I was "afraid of" I would probably be torked off.

bonjour24

i don't know. i can understand both perspectives.

for me, i don't ever want to be too skinny. i love having curves- but that's just me. and my hubby loves me however i am (either at 80kgs or 100kgs- i've never been any smaller than that). but my current goals are for me and not for him.

is it that you are actually getting too skinny? i don't think that the numbers matter- it's how we actually look and feel about ourselves, so based on that i don't think a goal weight is that helpful, and it should really just be a guide. are you going too far? do you need to take a pic of yourself to see how you really look, rather than how you think you look.

but if all of the above is ok i think you should keep going, but just do it discretely. then when you got there, reassess. you can always chub up again!

SabrinaJL

I just started, so I haven't lost much, but when I told my husband that my goal was 134 lbs (I'm 5'6") he told me he thought that was too low and that I should go for 150. I honestly only chose 134 because 100 lbs lost sounded like a good number. When I get to 150, I'll re-evaluate. But if I still want to go for 134, I will. It's my body and I'm the one that has to live in it. If he loved me at 150 lbs and still loved me at 245 lbs, I'm sure he'll love me just fine at 134.

crystal_sapphire

You know, the psychobabble of this thread is alittle disturbing. The poster noted her man was not pushing her in any direction or being a jerk, yet a pleurality of the responses talk about asking him about what he is afraid of, etc! As a man, I suspect he prefers a little more meat on the frame. Particularly since that was your condition when you two met.

Ultimately, this journey is yours; but remeber he is along for the ride and I would express clearly how you feel about your goal and try and garner his continued support for your efforts. I know if you came to me and asked me what I was "afraid of" I would probably be torked off.

and if you look at the timestamps of everyone posting including the OP, we were all posting within a few minutes of each other so not all of us saw her replies.

i'm concerned about your psychobabble of thinking 130 is not an unreasonable goal for someone who is 5'3. for goodness sakes, you could get own to 110 and then you'd be considered on the low side of a healthy weight. her goal is reasonable and doable. with that being said, if she does want to be at the weight she is now then that,'s awesome too. however, it should not be up to her spouse what her weight is. she has a strong head on her shoulders and there are some awesome comments in this post. words have meaning so obviously his worry of her becoming too thin come from somewhere

monkeybuttsmommy

You asked for my advice so here it goes... The independent woman in me says "Get over it dude! Its my body and I will do what I want! If you love me you will accept me as I WANT TO BE!"

Now, here's the rational me who actually went away from this post and gave it some thought. Men need to feel they are heard. They seldom give input unless we ask and even then it makes them uncomfortable like when we ask if they like a certain dress or handbag. They could give a **** most times and usually a caring man wants you to just be happy and not upset. Now if you husband brought this up and to your attention it is obviously something that is bothering him. You should take his thoughts and feeling into consideration. This does not mean give in or stop losing weight to please him. But you probably should get to the core reason because I doubt it has nothing to do with your frame and looking "too skinny". Most likely your getting hotter and he is noticing other people noticing and by "other" I mean men. Men are at heart teritorial. They don't want other men drooling over thier girlfriends and wives. They may be proud for a little while with the looks and glances but as you change those looks and glances get more intense and happen more often. Insecurities have NOTHING to do with rational thought.

So have a talk, or two or three. Tell him you respect his opinions and make him understand how much you love him. Tell him he is improtant to you but that you truly want this for yourself. Talk about fears, his and yours. If he still contends that its just that he thinks you won't look right tell him you appreciate the feedback but don't agree and you need to do this. But if he happens to admit to any isnecurities or thoughts that you might get too much attention or maybe leave him for anther man, talk to him about it calmly and with a lot of love. Good luck to you both.

rockinbettygrl

I thank you all for your time and words of wisdom!!!!!! I think my game plan shall be to get to my goal weight and not tell him about every week I weigh in. I really want to get to my goal because I started this journey for ME He knows I love him, and I know he loves me ( like I said I'm not concerned we are going to get a divorce over 13 lbs or anything)...I think I'm just too close to not try and go all the way!! ya know?...So I'm prolly just gonna keep quiet about my caloric intake when around him for a lil while and see if he chills out about the whole thing. Maybe when I get to 135 we can come to an agreement
Thank you again! All of you!!!

matt7988

This is a very common problem amongst couples from what I've seen.

Most of the time when it's the girl losing weight, it can make the man feel a little helpless, especially if he is not in shape. Jealousy can hide itself rather cleverly.

However, as you have put it, you don't think this is a problem with jealousy. It could be possible that he truly prefers you a little heavier. I tend to prefer women very thin. Other friends I know would not date the same girls I would because they're not thick enough. It's all a matter of preference.

In the end, it sounds like staying where you are will make your husband more happy. But, are you happy? Is completely sacrificing your own sense of accomplishment worth pleasing your husband (and maybe only slightly)?

I say go for your goal and don't look back. If you husband hates it, you guys may have to have some counseling. It's not fair for him to hold you back. At the same time, you should reach out to him for acceptance. If he truly wants you to be heavier and demands that you stop exercising, perhaps you should give him a compromise: You stay where you are and he works on his fitness. That should be a pretty fair agreement.

Oh, and this is completely psychological. What else could it be Doc?

robertf57

and if you look at the timestamps of everyone posting including the OP, we were all posting within a few minutes of each other so not all of us saw her replies.

i'm concerned about your psychobabble of thinking 130 is not an unreasonable goal for someone who is 5'3. for goodness sakes, you could get own to 110 and then you'd be considered on the low side of a healthy weight. her goal is reasonable and doable. with that being said, if she does want to be at the weight she is now then that,'s awesome too. however, it should not be up to her spouse what her weight is. she has a strong head on her shoulders and there are some awesome comments in this post. words have meaning so obviously his worry of her becoming too thin come from somewhere

I am not even certain what you are trying to say... I made no comment about the OP's goal being either reasonable or not! and I also made it quite clear that the decision as to a goal weight was ultimately hers. I only made reference to the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that his personal preferences may be driving his concern. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"

punkrockmama

I know you kinda closed the door here, but I really wanted to comment as my husband and I struggle with this, too.
It sounds like our husbands are very similar, although you are closer to your goal.
I'm 5'3" and want to get to 120-125. The husband was like "Yikes!". Lol. But he responded really well when I changed my goal to fat % and explained that I just wanted to be in the middle of the healthy range. There's no jealousy, or insecurities, it's about my 'obsessing', constantly restricting myself, and his idea of what that # looks like.
Of course, he gets a little bummed when too often I "can't" eat this or that. Or when I'm constantly calculating my calories before a meal that we are sitting down to enjoy. Lol. So...I hold the scale and calorie talk around him (I'll dump that on you guys!!!!) and talk about my fitness improvements around him. And of that he's super supportive and involved.
And, of course, I think you should definitely keep going! I agree that to him it seems like a big loss, but that it might not be as severe as he's envisioning when you get there.
Good luck!!! X's!!!!

Amandamccl

I'm right there rigth you I my boyfriend about to be ex makes smart remarks about my weight all the time like we need a fork lift to pick you up or good lording you can eat all that and then when I start losing weight awww you don't need to lose weight.. man are so confusing now I see why so many woman are lesbians.

loro1971

I would be happy you have a supportive husband who loves you unconditionally. Unfortunately how he feels about you does not change how you feel about you. Personally I would maybe back off the hard core dieting a little and maybe stop giving him details and take the last 13 lbs slow. My husband sometimes just gets sick of me dieting and would like to see me splurge, so if me eating ice cream with him will help the peace in the house.... poor me:} It is a hard one, and everyone's husband is different, everyone's situation is different. Good luck!

i think this is very wise advice... i dont know your hubby's ways of feeling "insecure or jealous" but maybe its not that he is worried about other guys maybe its more he feels neglected that you are consumed with the dieting and exercise and he isnt your top priority... my hubby has joined me on the weight loss journey... and he is not really the jealous type(usually) but he is a man and loves his attention from me and if i get too wrapped up in anything else(like when i planned my h s reunion... friends weddings etc... he feels like im not paying enough attention to him).. maybe back off a little.. and see what happens... you can always sneak little walks in with him and have great talks.... i feel like my hubby and i have bonded alot over our exercise and walks... and mentioning the endurance and flexibility in the bedroom and your self confidence to make you feel sexier for him cant hurt!!!hope all is well!!!... talking with someone would be great but see what you can do first together... you dont want him to put up a defense mode and feel like its you against him.... make it a "US ' thing rather than a you thing or I thing.......

spcopps

Since you state he isn't the jealous type maybe he is honestly concerned about you losing to much and it becoming a problem..Maybe try to pull up some literature on what is "ideal" as for weight and BMI for your height and age and let him know you you are NOT going to go below your healthy range. Assure him that IF you do try to go below you will be more than happy to listen to his concerns and take his concern into account. Since he met you at a higher weight you could honestly look "too skinny" to him because he hasn't seen you at this weight before. Just try to ease his mind that you are doing this to be healthy and in no way want to compromise your health by losing too much weight. Also ensure him that you appreciate his concern and are not dismissing it in any way. Men like to "fix" problems and I think he is just concerned about the person he loves which is a good thing from his perspective..

loro1971

oh !!! one HUGE benefit that i have had from this whole experience is... i feel more excited to go out.. i almost started fights before we went out because i didnt feel good about myself and didnt want to get ready.. find something to wear. sometimes whole nights ruined.. so now that i am feeling better.. and have clothes i feel better in.. i am ready and dressed in no time.. and it has made us argue soooo much less when we are going somewhere..... MEN LOVE THAT!!! i can be showered, makeup , hair and dresses in 20-25 minutes when we used to fight for 2 hours before...LOL.... kinda ridiculous now that i look back but.... soooo glad its better....and it just feels good to feel good! ahhhhh the benefits of self confidence....has helped my marriage too!