advice needed!

barbsus1991

(apologies for the length!) Ok so i have a friend... shes a healthy weight but has developed an eating disorder where she will eat 0-500 cals a day for however long she can and then binge (and often purge) on food. I have eating issues so i understand where she is at. However, this is causing such issues on our friendship. For example, today we met at the beach, she was meant to be going home to get stuff to stay over and then coming back to mine. 2 hours later id text her twice and she hadn't replied. All this because she went home and binged on food and now doesn't want to go out because she feels sick. Don't get me wrong, i really do understand, but this thing happens ALL the time! At least once a week she will cancel and not even text or anything so i'm just left waiting not knowing whether she will turn up. When she finally does text me hours later, what should me reaction be? i want to be the supportive friend, and i don't want to make things worse or fall out, but i'm getting fed up. Surely she can spare 30 seconds to text me to say she isn't coming?!

Atlantique

There are two different issues here. Well, maybe three!

-She regularly stands you up on plans, and she does not follow any rules of common courtesy to notify you that she will be unable to keep a date

-You worry about treating her the way you would anyone else who disrespects you in this way


My advice is that you keep the separate issues separate.

She is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you do not appreciate the fact that she can't even bother to call you to tell yo uthat she is about to stand you up. Be clear about how you feel and about what you want. 'Friend, when you fail to call and cancel our plans, I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. In the future, please call to cancel dates or I will not be able to continue making plans with you. "

See? That's not so difficult! It's not abusive, it's not over the top, and she can pull up her big-girl pants and decide what she wants to do from that point forward.

I used to have some chronically tardy friends and I explained that I would wait for them for 5 minutes ONLY if I had not heard from them to explain their delay. Yes, a few of them arrived long after I'd departed a meeting place. Only took once for them to never leave me hanging again.

Therapist_mama

There are two different issues here. Well, maybe three!

-She regularly stands you up on plans, and she does not follow any rules of common courtesy to notify you that she will be unable to keep a date

-You worry about treating her the way you would anyone else who disrespects you in this way


My advice is that you keep the separate issues separate.

She is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you do not appreciate the fact that she can't even bother to call you to tell yo uthat she is about to stand you up. Be clear about how you feel and about what you want. 'Friend, when you fail to call and cancel our plans, I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. In the future, please call to cancel dates or I will not be able to continue making plans with you. "

See? That's not so difficult! It's not abusive, it's not over the top, and she can pull up her big-girl pants and decide what she wants to do from that point forward.

I used to have some chronically tardy friends and I explained that I would wait for them for 5 minutes ONLY if I had not heard from them to explain their delay. Yes, a few of them arrived long after I'd departed a meeting place. Only took once for them to never leave me hanging again.

Best and only advice needed!

Egger29

Sounds like she has some deeper issues than simply being inconsiderate. Her habits are extremely unhealthy and I would sense there is more to the story than simply not calling or texting.

It sounds like she could use some professional help....however, people need to be willing to help themselves first.

EDesq

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Atlantique

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

barbsus1991

Thank you for your advice everyone. That reply was totally unnecessary, you have NO idea what i have done to support her thus far, Ive got her to the doctors and helped her tell her parents, i cannot do much more, she doesn't want to help herself out of it and while i want to continue to support her, i don't see what else i can do.If you have nothing positive to say, keep it to yourself because i came to this forum for support and in all honestly you've now made a crappy evening even worse. So don't go and assume that i haven't tried to support her, because i have, i just don't know what more i can do.



"To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend."

Well to me right now, you are useless at giving advice (and not a very nice person) so id stop trying to give it when you clearly have no clue.

VixFit2011

Sometimes you just have to walk away.

capricorn144

This is a serious psych issue that needs professional intervention or help.

I think you should try to talk to her about getting some serious counseling.

You also need to take care of your needs. I would worry if someone I knew was harming themselves.
there are a lot of components of this whole situation.
Seek some local help.

This may be way beyond your ability to help.:sick:

EDesq

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOUR reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

EDesq

Thank you for your advice everyone. That reply was totally unnecessary, you have NO idea what i have done to support her thus far, Ive got her to the doctors and helped her tell her parents, i cannot do much more, she doesn't want to help herself out of it and while i want to continue to support her, i don't see what else i can do.If you have nothing positive to say, keep it to yourself because i came to this forum for support and in all honestly you've now made a crappy evening even worse. So don't go and assume that i haven't tried to support her, because i have, i just don't know what more i can do.



"To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend."

Well to me right now, you are useless at giving advice (and not a very nice person) so id stop trying to give it when you clearly have no clue.

SEE, THIS is My problem with people who Post. You did NOT say all of this UP Front in the Original Post. YOU wait until You are Criticized and THEN you come clean with ALL the Facts. Tell people UP FRONT what a Situation Is.

BASED on what YOU Originally Posted, I wrote the Best Answer...NOW you come with "Facts" that make You look "Good." I believe the ORIGINAL POST!

EDesq

(apologies for the length!) Ok so i have a friend... shes a healthy weight but has developed an eating disorder where she will eat 0-500 cals a day for however long she can and then binge (and often purge) on food. I have eating issues so i understand where she is at. However, this is causing such issues on our friendship. For example, today we met at the beach, she was meant to be going home to get stuff to stay over and then coming back to mine. 2 hours later id text her twice and she hadn't replied. All this because she went home and binged on food and now doesn't want to go out because she feels sick. Don't get me wrong, i really do understand, but this thing happens ALL the time! At least once a week she will cancel and not even text or anything so i'm just left waiting not knowing whether she will turn up. When she finally does text me hours later, what should me reaction be? i want to be the supportive friend, and i don't want to make things worse or fall out, but i'm getting fed up. Surely she can spare 30 seconds to text me to say she isn't coming?!

ORIGINAL POST

barbsus1991

Eurgh, well i apologize for not writing out my life story, maybe its partially my fault for not doing so, but if all the facts are not outlined, you should not just presume the worst of a person, you should ASK for all the facts before criticizing, or just don't bother posting a reply.

Dawntodusk

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOU reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

You seem to be under the illusion that a friend or a mother can actually control someone else's behavior. Let me be honest to you: You can't! Telling someone's mom isn't going to make the problem going away. OP has tried in her own way to help her friend, but she also seems to know that she can only do so much. I think she is far more real than you!

Schwiggity

CAPS LOCK to EMPHASIZE my POINT.

barbsus1991

also, partying and the beach? once again that is an assumption. Just because i am younger than you, there is no need to patronize, we were actually taking my son (who i love to pieces- before you ASSUME i'm a rubbish mother because i'm younger than you) for a walk and a run around.

Atlantique

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOUR reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

You're missing the point here.....

EDesq

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOU reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

You seem to be under the illusion that a friend or a mother can actually control someone else's behavior. Let me be honest to you: You can't! Telling someone's mom isn't going to make the problem going away. OP has tried in her own way to help her friend, but she also seems to know that she can only do so much. I think she is far more real than you!

The point is NOT about controlling someone's behavior, the POINT is about the duty of a Friend. Based on the ORIGINAL Post, if YOU were the FRIEND of the woman with the eating disorder...What would YOU DO?

Schwiggity

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOU reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

You seem to be under the illusion that a friend or a mother can actually control someone else's behavior. Let me be honest to you: You can't! Telling someone's mom isn't going to make the problem going away. OP has tried in her own way to help her friend, but she also seems to know that she can only do so much. I think she is far more real than you!

The point is NOT about controlling someone's behavior, the POINT is about the duty of a Friend. Based on the ORIGINAL Post, if YOU were this woman with the eating disorder...What would YOU DO?

She never said that she hadn't confronted her friend about that. She was speaking about another issue all together, and you're creating a whole lot of drama with a complete stranger based on a lot of assumptions. No all the information was not presented in the original post, so you inquire to know more instead of assuming.

barbsus1991

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

Atlantique

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

I'm sorry the thread has been derailed. Hopefully you were able to find some advice to consider before things were diverted.

It is very difficult to maintain friendships with people who are not yet ready to fully participate in their own recovery. I've been there too. And for what it's worth, it seemed fairly obvious to me that you and your friend both are aware of her issues around food in the original post. Otherwise you wouldn't have been so concerned that expecting her to follow normal etiquette in canceling engagements would be triggering to her.

But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your friend to call and cancel when she can't keep a social date, no matter why she can't keep it.

Mamapengu

I'm sorry you're getting beat up over this- what you describe is very very difficult. I have been friends with people who have become mentally ill in the past and it is very hard. Honestly, in high school my best friend engaged in some very dangerous activity and later I learned that she was not well, all I felt at the time was the push/pull of the relationship and it became too much for me. We stopped seeing each other after graduation, years later we spoke and agreed that 1- she tried to both use me and get from me what I was too immature and experienced to give, and 2- she needed/wanted others to help her identify what was wrong with her, as scared as she was of it, because she felt trapped by her own behavior but never understood them. You are being a friend by being there, but you do need to set up some limits of what behavior is acceptable or not- that does not mean you have to walk away, but let her know where the line of acceptable and unacceptable is. She needs professional help, I know you know this, but even if she won't go that is where her family should be coming in. Sit down with her family let them know and let them know she really needs help before she permanently damages her body or dies. You are not the professional and you can not give her all the help in this area that she needs. Her family can talk to her doctor, they can have a psych eval done without her agreeing to it if it is endangering her life.
I hope that helps just a little bit. Do things for yourself because you are a lovely person. Get some other friends around you who you enjoy being with, too.

barbsus1991

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

I'm sorry the thread has been derailed. Hopefully you were able to find some advice to consider before things were diverted.

It is very difficult to maintain friendships with people who are not yet ready to fully participate in their own recovery. I've been there too.

But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your friend to call and cancel when she can't keep a social date, no matter why she can't keep it.

Thanks, Ive spoken to her since i posted and explained that i want to be supportive but find it harder to do so when i feel like the whole thing is one sided. She agrees she should in future let me know when she cant keep to plans we have made. Were going to go back to the doctor next week, because last time they just fobbed her off with some group, which she couldn't attend because of work, hopefully this time they will be more helpful.

EDesq

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

Yes, YOU had to come on the Internet for ADVICE...that is SAD. When You get some advice that You do not like, You cry about it. From what YOU Originally said, to Me, You are a bad friend...No Not a Friend at all. You come off as more interested in being texted back, knowing that your friend is binging and purging. You said you knew what she was doing, she has done it before. From what YOU SAID, your priorities seem out of place or mixed up. REMEMBER: YOU put your "stuff" on the Internet, think twice the next time, you may actually get advice from honest, emotionally mature people>>>like Me.

Dawntodusk

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

Yes, YOU had to come on the Internet for ADVICE...that is SAD. When You get some advice that You do not like, You cry about it. From what YOU Originally said, to Me, You are a bad friend...No Not a Friend at all. You come off as more interested in being texted back, knowing that your friend is binging and purging. You said you knew what she was doing, she has done it before. From what YOU SAID, your priorities seem out of place or mixed up. REMEMBER: YOU put your "stuff" on the Internet, think twice the next time, you may actually get advice from honest, emotionally mature people>>>like Me.

More honesty: You are a bully and need to get some help.

EDesq

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

Yes, YOU had to come on the Internet for ADVICE...that is SAD. When You get some advice that You do not like, You cry about it. From what YOU Originally said, to Me, You are a bad friend...No Not a Friend at all. You come off as more interested in being texted back, knowing that your friend is binging and purging. You said you knew what she was doing, she has done it before. From what YOU SAID, your priorities seem out of place or mixed up. REMEMBER: YOU put your "stuff" on the Internet, think twice the next time, you may actually get advice from honest, emotionally mature people>>>like Me.

More honesty: You are a bully and need to get some help.

No, you are an Emotionally Immature 49 yr old woman who don't even get what this 20 yr old "woman" is saying, nor do you get that there is a "Culture" of eating disorder among this age group and that they keep it a secret among themselves, and in fact they think it is OK. READ what the Original Poster said...PLEASE! She says that SHE, also had/s an eating disorder so she knows what is going on with her friend. This is why young people are so confused and unhappy, "Adults" like You MISLEAD them. The problem is that from an EMOTIONAL perspective YOU are her age or Younger.

Atlantique

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

I'm sorry the thread has been derailed. Hopefully you were able to find some advice to consider before things were diverted.

It is very difficult to maintain friendships with people who are not yet ready to fully participate in their own recovery. I've been there too.

But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your friend to call and cancel when she can't keep a social date, no matter why she can't keep it.

Thanks, Ive spoken to her since i posted and explained that i want to be supportive but find it harder to do so when i feel like the whole thing is one sided. She agrees she should in future let me know when she cant keep to plans we have made. Were going to go back to the doctor next week, because last time they just fobbed her off with some group, which she couldn't attend because of work, hopefully this time they will be more helpful.

Glad that the conversation seems to have gone well!

Most of the friends I've known who suffered with eating disorders needed to try more than one program to find one that 'clicked'. Maybe it was the program, maybe it was that they were more ready to really work on recovery. But it took most of them more than one try to find success.

Hope that things go well next week!

joanndixon

hi ya,
i agree, your friend does need to be texting you back not only to just cancel your dates you have made but to also put your mind at rest cos god knows whats racing through your head when she has failed to turn up. So yes i do agree you are not asking to much for her to text you and i see your friendship is in question here but what some people here are failing to notice is that she isn't being a good friend by not texting 1. to let you know she isn't coming and 2. to give you peace of mind, she knows, you know about her illness so you would think she would have some consideration and text or phone!

I'd say give your friend some time about her disorder tell her you will be here to support her but you will not be her emotional punching bag, don't always bang on about it but listen when she chooses to talk and state your opinions clearly. Its great that you are going to the doctors with her and helping her with her family but remember you have your self and your family to take care of too. That's not being selfish, it's being real hope it helps a little and yes you are being a fantastic friend by asking for advice online cos sometimes others know what you do not

arewethereyet

4) Do not attack/slam/insult other users. The forums are here so that members can help support one another. Attacks or insults against each other takes away from the supportive atmosphere and will not be tolerated. You can discuss the message or topic, but not the messenger - NO EXCEPTIONS. If you are attacked by another user, and you reciprocate, YOU will also be subject to the same consequences. Defending yourself, defending a friend, etc. are NOT excuses. Violations of this rule are taken very seriously and may result in being banned without warning! If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

I am locking this thread without sending a warning to anyone this time. Please be civil and abide by the MFP Forum rules.

Thank You,

Arewethereyet
MFP Forum Moderator