When do I stop being afraid?

JJtexasgirl

I'm not sure where to post this, but this seems like the best place. This is a bit of a long rant...sorry.

I've been divorced for 5 years now. In the first 2 years, I lost 45lbs. I started dating and enjoying my social life. Then my mom had a debilitating stroke, the dating dried up, my ex got remarried and my father died. I gained the 45lbs back and added another 30. When I moved to Austin from Houston last summer, I told myself this would be my new beginning. I'd get in shape and get back into the dating scene. I only really got serious about losing weight in the last 2 months and have had moderate success.

But I am terrifed to go on a date. I don't know many people here except for my sister's family and my co-workers. Neither are exactly a hotbed of dating prospects. So I succumbed to online dating sites. Ick, I know. And while I've been asked out by a few people, I always bail at the last minute. At first, I'm relieved - on many levels. But then I feel stupid and regretful thinking maybe I missed out on a good thing.

In an perfect world, the perfect man would drop out of the sky and fit perfectly into my life and I wouldn't have to go through all the "getting to know you" bs. Its just so frustrating. I mean, I've been dating since I was 16. I was with my ex for 10 years. But that still leaves 18 years of trying to find Mr. Right. Where is he, already?

Ok, when you bash me, please be gentle...but anything positive you have to say would help a lot.

talysshade

I'm only 20, so it's hard for me to speak maybe, but my take on it has always been the same. Don't turn down the dates and stop trying to look for mister right! Enjoy the dates you have, make sure that life is fun. If you can have fun even without having a steady relationship yet who've already won something, namely happiness!

I've only ever had one boyfriend, but for the past 6 years he lived in America and i lived in the Netherlands. Because of it i never went on dates at all. Now that he lives here with me, and i'm doing all those things, i realised what i missed out on in the years before that. I love him to death and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.. but even without a steady relationship.. some good nights out might do you good.

Don't see it as going through the getting to know phase.. just have fun, if it clicks, you'll know..

whateverdamnit

Every time I've broken up with someone, I've thought "That's it! I'll never find anyone ever again! My life's over!" But it's never been true! As a matter of fact, someone better always comes along.. when I've least expected it!

After a few years of dating duds, a guy I used to have a crush on at school when I was 10, re-entered my life.. I couldn't believe it! I'm now 26 and we've been together for 5 years.

Whether it be someone from a dating site, or not, if you want to find a man, you'll find one! Don't give up.. have fun.. and expect the unexpected. You never know when you'll meet him.

lersie

I know exactly how you feel. I get to the point where I just want to give up. However I did meet a man on craigslist (totally accidental and not looking for a date at the time). I had just gotten out of a horrible 5 year relationship with a man I thought I would end up spending the rest of my life with - UH NOT! He sure showed his true colors by having a mid life crisis going after a 27 year old and after I lost my job and was losing my house to foreclosure. I vowed I would never fall for another man again or let anybody get close to me. So the guy I am seeing now (for the past 15 months) is very sweet and respectful and not like any other guy I have ever dated. I really like him but with being burned so many times and he was too (his ex wife and ex live in gf cheated on him), I'm a little hesitant to get too close and he has been even more so standoffish. I'm amost thinking I want to bail on this relationship now and just give up. What gives in finding someone to love who loves me back. Why is it so hard anymore? I'm a really easy going fun spirited person (at least that's what all my friends say about me and even those I don't know that well). What gives? It sounds like you might be as frustrated as me - UGH!

Innae

I am going to agree with taly -- I didn't find my guy until I was 35, and we didn't get married until I was 37, but I didn't find him until I stopped looking. I had decided that yes I would date, because it is nice to go out to a movie with someone,but I wouldn't pin all my hopes on anyone. I wouldn't be LOOKING, I would just be going out for fun and social stuff. And that is when he did kind of drop out of the sky, and I couldn't be happier as we approach our 4 wedding anniversary.

Seriously...take a deep breath and say yes to someone. Don't expect fireworks and roses, just expect to meet someone new -- who knows, maybe they won't be Mr. Right, but will have a friend/brother/coworker who they think might just be perfect for you. And online dating can work too...one of my dear friends from high school met her guy online, and they are looking at their 3rd anniversary in June :-)

Hang in there!!

EDesq

You are not alone. Dating from the internet is not abnormal any more...something like 1 in 5 people do it and I'm sure it will continue to grow. Key: Just be really careful; don't let anyone know where you live; have a specific cell phone (unlisted number...); always meet at a public place; after a few dates and you want to get closer, take the financial hit and have him investigated. As I think about it, you should do this NOW for any one, no matter where you meet them.

Hey, you may never meet Mr. Right, just Mr. Right Now...that's ok. They way life is I say just stay involved in things you like to do and get to know people. Either way you should fill up your life with things other than or inclusive of your/a man.

TDGee

Oh Heck JJ, I'd ask you out, but my wife doesn't like me dating anymore...

millymoozie

i say get yourself out there & meet some new people ,it doesnt have to end in a relationship or anything heavy ,so try & think about it in a new light that its not a date !!! or what you would hope & want from a date !!!! your just meeting a likewise person that you can have a relaxing chat .
if a likewise person on mfp turned out to live just round the corner from you & you arranged to meet up ,you would be interested to meet them & chat about stuff . you wouldnt be bailing out through nerves ,go for it & have a fun & interesting time & dont forget your a new person to them too & maybe the same feelings going through their minds ,a good conversation & breaking the ice starter to admit how nervous you were before hand & to have a giggle about it .
you can never meet too many people & new faces bring new life stories
brace yourself ,deep breath & go have some light hearted fun & there is nothing wrong with dating sites , avoid complication with friends we allready know & start a fresh with no previous friendship strings attached.
good luck my lovely xx

TourThePast

Forget thinking about men, and start thinking about yourself. You've gone through a tough time, start looking after yourself, and doing things that you enjoy and interest you,

When you start enjoying life they'll come flying out of the woodwork, you'll be fighting them off!

Meanwhile, you don't need a man to be happy.

susancelli928

You can't let your past blind your future. Only you can control your happiness and the way your life goes. That special person is out there for you and when its right you will know

kdouglas11

My boss met a wonderful man on a dating site. She is over 100 lbs overweight. My husband's high school friend met his wife on a dating site... they are happily HAPPILY married...

take a deep breath, and let yourself fly!

concordancia

1) It can be really hard to build a social network in Austin UNTIL you find a hobby. Check out Hill Country Outdoors, Austin Swing Syndicate, Four on the Floor, Hoop Circle (or any of the circus related groups) or any active group on Meet up to find an active hobby that will help you with two goals at a time. Remember, even if you don't do any of those activities now, all of these groups are designed to get people involved.

2) Online dating pretty much sucks in Austin. Everyone has a profile, no one has a second date. Maybe its just me (and most of my friends), but the only thing I ever got out of online dating in Austin was the entertainment factor of sharing all the new ways to be creepy. It came to be necessary to share those stories because, like yourself, I would start to think that I was misjudging or overjudging everything, but people tended to agree that the weird is alive and well in Austin, at least online.

3) The common factor is you - is it possible that you feel uncomfortable with yourself right now and are blaming that on the weight? Having experienced online dating in Austin, I will forgo my normal advice which would have been to go, get yourself a nice outfit and go on the next date that comes available. Of course, as long as you meet in public, you could do that and have a good story to tell, even if it isn't such a great date In the meantime, focus on YOU and refer to point #1 - any of those activities will make you feel good about yourself if you stick with them AND you will meet tons of people.

Valtishia

Go on some dates and have some fun. Thats how we learn what we do and don't want from a relationship to begin with. I always told myself I would never get married and my friends all knew of my strong opinions, however I did date but had no intentions of ever going further than that. Then out of nowhere, comes this wonderful man. He didn't try to push the relationship, just let it go its natural course. We enjoyed eachothers company and somewhere in there, I married him lol. Life can be funny sometimes, but it always has a way of surprising you when you least expect it.