Mourning the Loss of Food

DebraBuschman

I'm new to MFP. I have been making good progress in my first week, but my ultimate goal is to change myself. To give myself an overhaul: inside and out. I don't just want to lose weight; I want to become a person who loves herself enough to take care of her body. To want to give it the proper care it deserves with nutrition, exercise, plenty of rest, and a reduced stress lifestyle. All of this takes time, I know. Time to recondition my brain to habitually see myself as valuable and worthwhile. Time to restore the health of my body and shed the excess fat I have accumulated. Time to actually do all the things every day that I need to do for me. After only a solid week of trying, I’m in no way there yet. But, I’m trying.

In order to have the time to take care of me the way I think I should, I have to have boundaries. I have to say no to people when they want me to do things for them that I don't have time to do or will keep me from getting the rest my body needs. I have to love myself enough to put me and my health first. This sounds easy, but it is so very difficult for me. I think, for a long time, I have withheld this love for myself because I didn't think I deserved it because I wasn't skinny. Vicious cycle, right? It doesn't make sense to me, either. I deserve to have a good night’s rest, nice clothes that flatter my body, and a professional haircut. These things aren't just for people who deserve them because they weigh a certain amount.

Taking care of yourself is so much more than just not eating more than 1200 calories a day. It is a total mindset that affects everything you do. You have to love yourself more than your desire to please others. You have to love yourself more than your desire to sleep in instead of working out. You have to love yourself more than you love your immediate comfort (kind of like when you have to discipline your kids... sometimes it helps to think of my body as my responsibility, like the way I would care for a child). All of this involves short term discomfort for the long-term benefit of health and well-being. It makes sense when I think about it, but I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself that I love me enough to discipline my body. That I love me more than I love the feeling I will get from eating whatever it is I'm craving at the moment.

When you love eating, but you're trying to convince yourself to love your body more, at some point you realize you can never, ever go on an eating binge again. That may make you feel free or powerful, but that realization made me feel mournful. The thought of giving up the comfort and enjoyment I feel from food enough that it doesn't control me or dictate how I treat my body makes me kind of sad. It isn't that I can never enjoy food again at all, but I have to change my relationship with food. I can't love it over myself. As I love myself more, I realize, the food is for nutrition, to keep me healthy. The enjoyment from food *should* be secondary.

These are all values I am struggling to internalize. I miss eating giant portions of delicious (and unhealthy) food and not feeling guilty or ashamed about it. I enjoyed my gluttony. It was my friend. I know in my head that feeling good, looking good, and having more energy will feel better than eating an entire pad Thai entree, but still... I think I'm mourning the loss of food and all the good feelings that my unhealthy eating habits gave me.

lstadler29

Thank you for this, everything you've said here sums me up to a tee! It's nice to know that I am not the only one and that someone else struggles so hard like I do. THANK YOU! I plan to print this out and read it every day. You are an inspiration and your words will help me with my own weight loss struggle! I need the same overhaul you do and I keep telling myself it will be worth it but sometimes it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, especially when it's so much easier to throw my hands in the air and give up yet again!

I truly hope that I can get some control over myself as you seem to have done in just your first week! Congratulations on your weight loss and good luck on your journey.

lstadler29

Thank you for this, everything you've said here sums me up to a tee! It's nice to know that I am not the only one and that someone else struggles so hard like I do. THANK YOU! I plan to print this out and read it every day. You are an inspiration and your words will help me with my own weight loss struggle! I need the same overhaul you do and I keep telling myself it will be worth it but sometimes it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, especially when it's so much easier to throw my hands in the air and give up yet again!

I truly hope that I can get some control over myself as you seem to have done in just your first week! Congratulations on your weight loss and good luck on your journey.

onawho

you can still eat huge plates of food, just the right foods....I had a HUGE plate of steamed/blanched veggies the other night, a little butter, and a smidgen of salt. It was delish! and FILLING !


Make friends, allow the friends to have access to your food diary so they can help out.

good luck on your journey, we are here for support!

lesliefoste

I totally understand your mourning. I feel the same way. And you're right- it'll take time for you to replace the good feelings of eating what you want with the good feeling of knowing that you're taking better care of yourself. I find it really helpful for me to read success story blogs on this site, especially when I'm really wanting to ditch the diet and eat whatever I want. Maybe it would be helpful for you, too? Keep going! Remember that it's not about being perfect- it's about trying again and again and again- it will get easier with practice! (just like everything else)

droppin_lbs

First of all let me say that I admire and respect you both for being this journey and even more so for being so thoughtful, insightful and honest about it. I think that you are amazing for this!!

Often times food means so much to us because as you said it makes us feel good. So if you are making yourself feel good with food - what are you really doing??
You ARE loving yourself though food. As you begin to learn to love yourself in other ways, such as the ones you mentioned you the value of how the food makes you feel will slowly deminish. This takes time, a long time to be honest. Be patient and expect it to take time so that you know it is coming a bit at a time so you won't be discouraged.

You are on your way and you are worth it! Believe it so that you may be it!

Much luck and blessings to you!

droppin_lbs

Excuse the typos - on an iPhone!

First of all let me say that I admire and respect you both for being this journey and even more so for being so thoughtful, insightful and honest about it. I think that you are amazing for this!!

Often times food means so much to us because as you said it makes us feel good. So if you are making yourself feel good with food - what are you really doing??
You ARE loving yourself though food. As you begin to learn to love yourself in other ways, such as the ones you mentioned you the value of how the food makes you feel will slowly deminish. This takes time, a long time to be honest. Be patient and expect it to take time so that you know it is coming a bit at a time so you won't be discouraged.

You are on your way and you are worth it! Believe it so that you may be it!

Much luck and blessings to you!

Irene8509

It is a change in our thoughts rather than our diet that makes the difference. My path is a little different. Stress was my motivating factor to over indulge and even though I knew what I was doing, food was a comfort. The other factor is my husband. He lives to eat. I can see an emotional change in him when he has eaten his "fill". It is rather disconcerting because I don't want to eat big meals anymore and I have to cook them. I want to listen to my body not my emotions and be healthy. I want to look in the mirror and recognize the person looking back and smile at her strength and vitality. Yes I sometimes hate that I have to be watchful of what I eat but that's the price I pay now for not having done it a long time ago. It didn't take me a day to get where I'm at and it won't be a day to get back to a healthy weight. Think positive and stay the course. You are strong and there are many people here to help.

bjberry

Your are right--you cannot eat huge amounts of bad foods and maintain weight loss. But, you can have a tiny amount of a bad food on occasion. My husband made a Death By Chocolate cake (2.5 lbs of chocolate in it!) for someone's birthday last year. I entered all the ingredients into a recipe page (before this site had a Recipe page) and figured out how many calories were in a teaspoon of cake. I gloried in that teaspoon and had someone guarding the cake until we could give it all away to our guests! Or you can plan a certain amount of exercise to cover any one-time overage that will occur that day. It is best to stick to a really healthy diet, but you do not have to give up all of your favorites.
Hugs, BJ :drinker: (drink lots of water!)

ALW65

I bet most of us on MFP feel/felt the same way about food. Let's face it...food is delicious!!! You're right when you say you can't totally, all out binge (too self-destructive), but you can enjoy some of your favorites in moderation. I was famous for always mourning the loss of food. Have you heard of food funerals? That's where you eat lots of what you love right before you go on a diet because you won't get to have them again - I thought that was the funniest saying when I heard it, but it rings true for me.

I've never been good at consistently exercising, but through the encouragement of some great posts on MFP I'm doing the Couch to 5K program and Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD. This is UNHEARD of for me. But I've figured out that by doing these exercises, I can "earn" enough calories to make me happy and not feel totally deprived. One of my former favorites was Coke/Pepsi/Dr. Pepper. I have about 5 12 oz servings in the past 2+ months .... when I absolutely want one (like on Easter) I try to plan for it, enjoy it, then let it go. I wanted a second one, but I thought about how hard I'd worked exercising in the morning and just hated to waste (waist) all that effort!

I don't know if you exercise now, but if not, give it a try. It's improved my mood, strengthened my focus, and allowed me to eat enough to smile!

Best of luck to you - it looks like you're off to a great start based upon your ticker!

mommacool

Well, you have to find a new way of eating that is enjoyable. Don't mourn what you can't eat, celebrate what you CAN! There is so much good healthy food out there and I am enjoying every bite of it! I am finding that i do not miss things as much as I did when I first started, and that I actually am enjoying my healthier substitutions. Before I would eat two eggs with cheese (lots) and a bagel with butter. Now i have a one egg omelet with Laughing Cow cheese and lots vegetables or salsa (or both and stay away from the bread. If I am still hungry I eat a banana or apple or strawberries. And I find I am actually LOVING it! I still eat the same things for dinner, just the balance on my plate is different. I still eat pizza and chicken wings, but in moderation. I spend money on healthy food instead of junk food. We think nothing about going to a fast food place or the grocery store and dropping a chunk of money on junk, but hesitate to spend on a nice piece of fish or better cut of meat or the healthier yogurt or more vegetables, which would be cheaper than eating fast food. I have decided I am worth it. And I still am enjoying eating. I am also enjoying exercising, because I know it is making me healthier, improving my metabolism and allowing me to afford a splurge now and then. For once, I feel in control of food, food is not in control of me. Hope this helps you along! Good luck on your journey!

capricorn144

I agree with all of the posts before mine.

You will do well because you are so aware of where you are coming from and where you want to go!

this is a great place to do the work. Thanks for sharing.:flowerforyou:

AngieR45

Thank you for your words. You are so on the right track. It's all about loving yourself on the inside as much as the outside. There is a lot of support here on mfp. Embrace and Enjoy the journey.

MinnieInMaine

Well, you have to find a new way of eating that is enjoyable. Don't mourn what you can't eat, celebrate what you CAN! There is so much good healthy food out there and I am enjoying every bite of it! I am finding that i do not miss things as much as I did when I first started, and that I actually am enjoying my healthier substitutions. Before I would eat two eggs with cheese (lots) and a bagel with butter. Now i have a one egg omelet with Laughing Cow cheese and lots vegetables or salsa (or both and stay away from the bread. If I am still hungry I eat a banana or apple or strawberries. And I find I am actually LOVING it! I still eat the same things for dinner, just the balance on my plate is different. I still eat pizza and chicken wings, but in moderation. I spend money on healthy food instead of junk food. We think nothing about going to a fast food place or the grocery store and dropping a chunk of money on junk, but hesitate to spend on a nice piece of fish or better cut of meat or the healthier yogurt or more vegetables, which would be cheaper than eating fast food. I have decided I am worth it. And I still am enjoying eating. I am also enjoying exercising, because I know it is making me healthier, improving my metabolism and allowing me to afford a splurge now and then. For once, I feel in control of food, food is not in control of me. Hope this helps you along! Good luck on your journey!

Awesome post!!!

DebraBuschman

@ onawho: I get obsessed with food and if I allow food to be my pleasure, even good food, then I'm afraid I will run the risk of going over board. Too much of a good thing can still be bad. When you are an over eater, you want to eat too much of EVERYTHING, including healthy foods. So, for now, I'm really trying to focus on eating the right foods, in the right amounts as fuel only, and not think about the pleasure side of it, to try to train my brain to see food in a whole new light. That is why I LOVE MFP so much, it really forces you to get real about what you're eating and what a normal portion is. Didn't work last night, though, when I pigged out on Mexican food!

Thanks for your support!

DebraBuschman

@ droppin_lbs: Well put!