Starting to figure something out....

CeleryStalker

So I've been thinking about this a while now, especially after seeing person after person have an epiphany on Biggest Loser. I think about why I keep failing. Why I reach a certain weight, stick around there for a while, and then fall off the wagon, gain the weight back, only to repeat the process all over again.

As I lay in bed and my hand brushes against that tire of lard that seems to have taken on a life of its own as a new appendage hanging off my body, I think, "I'll never be thin." I think, "Even if I got down to 160# (I'm 6' tall), I'll always have this big fat stomach." Last night the thought was, "Geez, even when I got down to 180#, I still had a big stomach. I'm always going to be a 'big' girl. Having a lean, athletic body just isn't within reason for me."

Well....WTF? Why on earth would anyone else be able to dump HUNDREDS of pounds, or even A hundred pounds, and get to enjoy a lean, athletic body and I "cant"? I don't have 100# to lose. I've never had 100# to lose. Even at my largest, 238#, I didn't have 100# to lose, so why do I have this ridiculous hang up that being lean is not possible?

I'm athletic. I'm an endurance cyclist. I love doing yardwork and other physically exerting things....ok, not quite as much as I love to cycle, but hey, the point is, I found a sport I love and I'm good at it. It's not like I have no legs or some other kind of physical impairment that keeps me from maintaining my goal.

Sadly, the only thing keeping me from meeting my goals is the idea that I just can't. That no matter what, even if I was 120#, I'd still be fat. I can sit here and say "Damn, that's so stupid, Erica. You'd be in a casket at 120#, and it wouldn't be a fat body in that casket." I know it's ridiculous to think that lean is out of my reach.....but I just can't accept the fact that I CAN be fit and lean, just like I want.

Now I'm back on the downslide...having gained back up to 214# (grrrrr!) after sticking around 190 for over a year. I'm 205# today, and I can't even say wooohooo, it's coming off! Because once I lost below 200, I swore I'd never be above it again, so yes, the weight IS coming off, but until I'm below 200 again, any little weekly victory is bittersweet. I know I'll get back down to 185-190 again, and I'm scared that when I do get to that point, the stupid thoughts are going to take over and I'm going to fail again, most likely putting the weight back on.

I know how to portion my food. I know what to eat. When I get in weight loss mode, I'm REALLY good at it. I over analyze my food intake and almost make a religious experience out of it, ya know? Meticulously planning and preparing meals in advance, that sort of thing. But then I start to get close and WHAMMO, right back to pigging out on garbage and putting the weight back on.

I know I'm not the only person out there who struggles with this sort of thinking. What do you all do to shut that stupid little troll in your head the hell up so you can focus on the main idea? It's just frustrating as hell. I only want to get down to say, 165-170#. I get SO close and then fat girl mentality kicks in and ruins it all. She's already here in my head right now and I'm having a hard time telling her to F--- off.

AggieCass09

i faked it...i kept thinking that I was thin and lean even when i wasnt. At some point my brain started convincing the rest of me...

Every time I ate i asked myself, "would a skinny person eat this?"

I Visualized myself skinny while I exercised or did anything.

No one is going to be your cheerleader to lose weight and keep it off...YOU must do it for yourself.

I was really scared to get below 160 because at first i didnt think it was realistic and i was afraid of not reaching a goal. but when i got over the fear the weight started coming off now i'm 153...its amazing what you can do when you are 100% committed.

SO, what are you afraid of?

janalayn

You aren't alone in struggling ... and all the fad diets, quick fixes and scams out there don't make it any easier. You have to start to love yourself adn believe that you are worth the effort it takes to be healthy. We all have our ups and downs but as long as we don't give up on ourselves we will be successful in the long run. Just tell that negative voice inside you to find someone else to nag because you aren't listening to that crap anymore.

gaeljo

Hey Tall Girl, I'm tall too, 5'11" and I also am a biker girl. Well, actually I'm a triathlete. When I started I was up to 228 pounds, ee-gads that sucked! I'm currently fluxing between 175 and 176 my target goal is 155. I'll get there, I'm freaking determined, Dude. I know exactly the mind game you are in. I keep wondering myself, can I really hit that goal, can I really do it? And also, I have had a hard time tossing out my "fat" clothes because I keep thinking, geez 95% of people gain the weight back, the odds are against me to keep this weight off. You know it? But then I think, life is short, shiz happens daily, life can change in a flipping moment. I'm going to hunt down, chase, climb after and beat down my dreams and screw the negative garbage voices in my head. When I hear my head go into the tank and start asking myself this negative crap, I tell myself, suck it up, shut up and just for thinking that thought, drop and give me 10! (And yes, I threw out my fat clothes except for 1 pair of pants because I want those to remind myself of my journey.)

I think it is really natural to let the negative crap come in, it's so much more interesting to entertain the crap than it is to fixate on the accomplishment. When I lose a pound, I congratulate myself for about 2 nano seconds then think, it's not enough. How is that being fair to myself? I mean, I put this weight on over the period of 7 years, why don't I have patience for myself to lose this weight and try and enjoy this journey. Well, no more, I'm enjoying every pound I drop and relishing in that moment. I even weigh myself like 4 times in a row and let that new number marinate.

I have to tell you. I LOVE doing triathlons, I LOVE being a vegetarian now and figuring out the right nutrient balance. I LOVE my workout buds, and I LOVE the way that I'm starting to look! I really LOVE how awesome my arms are feeling from all the swimming, I mean get me some duct tape, I'm getting ripped! I know that I can do this, I know that I can, I have to do this, must, have to, will, gonna get there, gonna kill myself trying, I will be healthy, will, will, will. Remember that stupid train, I think I can, I think I can, I say, screw that train, it's I KNOW I will, I KNOW I will, I KNOW I will. Make a new mantra Girlfriend, you WILL do this.

One last thing, triathlons are easier than losing weight, I promise you that, so enjoy your accomplishments.

islandnutshel

We know how to take the weight off. We've done it before. We just have to get over the mental aspect. The procrastination...... the all or nothing..... the feelings of not being good enough, the guilt over focusing on ourselves more then we are used to and seeing ourselves as being worth the effort. I don't know if any of these reasonings sound familiar, but your post reminded me of the thoughts I have to fight.
My answer is that I will have nothing to give if I don't take care of myself, and that I do deserve to feel good, look good and be happy. It was the gift we were given and we should show appreciation and respect for it.
Hope these random thoughts help.
Best wishes.

CeleryStalker

"SO, what are you afraid of? "

I guess I've got to figure that out, eh? It doesn't make sense to be afraid of obtaining the body I've tried to achieve my entire adult life. You'd think looking in the closet seeing clothes I can't fit into would be enough of a motivator to stop being scared of ____________. I just don't get it. I've been soul searching, and I'm not coming up with a big epiphany like I see/hear/read other people having and I just don't know what it's going to take to get me there. A heart attack? Diabetes?

PS...you look freakin awesome!

CeleryStalker

"You have to start to love yourself adn believe that you are worth the effort it takes to be healthy."

I must be emotional today. That line actually brought tears to my eyes. I think it's because, underneath it all, the stark reality of it is that I don't love myself. I hate myself. I hate what I've done to my body. I hate myself for getting SO damn close to goal and then blowing back up to 214#. I mean, seriously, WTF?

I told the negative voice today to piss off. Then I went to Target and got myself a set of those quick-change hand weights. They go up to 25#. I've got my Chalene Extreme videos sitting here looking at me. If that voice inside my head won't shut up on her own, I'll sweat her quiet. LOL

dragonflydi

"You have to start to love yourself adn believe that you are worth the effort it takes to be healthy."

I must be emotional today. That line actually brought tears to my eyes. I think it's because, underneath it all, the stark reality of it is that I don't love myself. I hate myself. I hate what I've done to my body. I hate myself for getting SO damn close to goal and then blowing back up to 214#. I mean, seriously, WTF?

I told the negative voice today to piss off. Then I went to Target and got myself a set of those quick-change hand weights. They go up to 25#. I've got my Chalene Extreme videos sitting here looking at me. If that voice inside my head won't shut up on her own, I'll sweat her quiet. LOL

Good for you! There is no place in your head for that negative voice to rent! You are worth it. Part of the issue might be telling yourself that you are near your goal weight. While you may very well be, it might be sending a message to your psyche that you no longer need to really work at it or be as concerned or committed to the process anymore?

That is one of the reasons I cringe when I hear anyone say they are on a "diet". That to me implies a "temporary" thing. They are watching what the eat until they get to a certain point and then, wham! They go right back to their original sedentary life and/or eating habits and the yo-yo begins.

Honestly, everyone is on a "diet" ... since the definition of that word is merely "the usual food or drink of a person or animal".

The change takes place when it's a true change in overall lifestyle in order for it to continue beyond making your goal weight. I speak from experience. I've lost 100 lbs and I am living proof to every person at my gym who sees me there 5 days a week, at my goal weight, maintaining my 'new life'. I can't count the number of times I"ve been asked "if you are at your goal weight, why are you still in here so often". Quite simply, it's where I need to be to remain in the great place I landed

CeleryStalker

"the all or nothing..... the feelings of not being good enough, the guilt over focusing on ourselves more then we are used to and seeing ourselves as being worth the effort."

Exactly. I feel as if I can't be perfect, I shouldn't even bother until I can get my act together and be perfect, no slip ups, etc. When in truth, I do damn good losing weight, even with a nibble of something naughty here and there, even with a cheat day.

CeleryStalker

(And yes, I threw out my fat clothes except for 1 pair of pants because I want those to remind myself of my journey.)

I think it is really natural to let the negative crap come in, it's so much more interesting to entertain the crap than it is to fixate on the accomplishment. When I lose a pound, I congratulate myself for about 2 nano seconds then think, it's not enough. How is that being fair to myself? I mean, I put this weight on over the period of 7 years, why don't I have patience for myself to lose this weight and try and enjoy this journey.

One last thing, triathlons are easier than losing weight, I promise you that, so enjoy your accomplishments.

You are right on the money in so many different places here. I mean, for pete's sake, if i can get on my bike and ride 100 miles in 5.5 hours, I can lose 40 or so friggin pounds. Sheesh.

And it's so easy to disregard the accomplishments while agonizing over the hurdles. Why CANT I celebrate a 10# loss? That's 10# closer to my goal and it didn't just magically vanish, I worked hard to lose them. What's the sense in agonizing over a number? So what I've I'm still slightly over 200? I won't be in a couple weeks, and in a couple months, I'll be thinking how silly it was of me to agonize over this number, knowing it will get smaller every week.

Re: the clothes. Ya, I chucked all my fat clothes except the outfit I wore in some 'before' pics....I refuse to wear that hideous outfit ever again. I found a couple pairs of jeans that still fit. Not sure why I hung on to them. When I'm in the lower 190's, I am a size 10. For some reason, I had a size 12 and a size 14 in a drawer under the bed and I've been sadly marching around in them because nothing else fits. Yay me. Nothing makes you feel like a pathetic loser quite as much as having to wear the same two pairs of pants day in and day out. I refuse to buy clothes for this weight. The day I realized I couldn't squeeze into those 12's and had no choice but to wear the 14's is the day I said to hell with this. I need to get on the scale, get a reality check, face the music, and get back on the wagon. That's when I realized I had ballooned back up to 214 and wanted to stick my head in the toilet to give myself a swirly. This is why I like being a daily weigher. It keeps me honest. It makes me see where I am rather than hide from the fact and continue to over eat.

kelley555

Bump

CeleryStalker

"The change takes place when it's a true change in overall lifestyle in order for it to continue beyond making your goal weight. I speak from experience. I've lost 100 lbs and I am living proof to every person at my gym who sees me there 5 days a week, at my goal weight, maintaining my 'new life'. I can't count the number of times I"ve been asked "if you are at your goal weight, why are you still in here so often". Quite simply, it's where I need to be to remain in the great place I landed "


You are so right, and you know what? When I make the modifications to my diet, I don't do the fad stuff. I know what a proper balanced diet looks like, I know what portion sizes to stick to. Hell, I've been at this so long, I don't even have to weigh anymore because I know what 6oz of chicken looks like, etc.

The problem I have, I think, is that just like with anything else I am interested in, my interest waxes and wanes. I do it with bike riding, photography, landscaping, education, and unfortunately, with giving a rat's behind about what I'm going to eat the next day. When I'm "on", I truly love prepping meals for the week, for the day, trying new recipes, relying on old favorites, you name it. But when I'm "off", the last place I want to be is in front of the computer, compiling a recipe and groceries list or in the kitchen prepping food for the coming days.

Guess I need to adjust my stick-to-it-ness and as Nike says, just do it.

CeleryStalker

And where are my manners? Thanks everyone for chiming in. I hope this thread thrives. I'd really like to see other people's input, and you down there with the bump....come on, speak your mind. This thread isn't just for my own personal healing. What's rattling around in your head? Maybe we can figure out something together that will help more than just you or me

dragonflydi

"The change takes place when it's a true change in overall lifestyle in order for it to continue beyond making your goal weight. I speak from experience. I've lost 100 lbs and I am living proof to every person at my gym who sees me there 5 days a week, at my goal weight, maintaining my 'new life'. I can't count the number of times I"ve been asked "if you are at your goal weight, why are you still in here so often". Quite simply, it's where I need to be to remain in the great place I landed "


You are so right, and you know what? When I make the modifications to my diet, I don't do the fad stuff. I know what a proper balanced diet looks like, I know what portion sizes to stick to. Hell, I've been at this so long, I don't even have to weigh anymore because I know what 6oz of chicken looks like, etc.

The problem I have, I think, is that just like with anything else I am interested in, my interest waxes and wanes. I do it with bike riding, photography, landscaping, education, and unfortunately, with giving a rat's behind about what I'm going to eat the next day. When I'm "on", I truly love prepping meals for the week, for the day, trying new recipes, relying on old favorites, you name it. But when I'm "off", the last place I want to be is in front of the computer, compiling a recipe and groceries list or in the kitchen prepping food for the coming days.

Guess I need to adjust my stick-to-it-ness and as Nike says, just do it.

I totally get that way. One thing I do to help combat that is that when I am feeling truly "on", I make extra healthy stuff and freeze it. Instead of just one portion of something healthy that I really like, I'll make three. Put them in individual containers as a meal and freeze them. That has been a TOTAL life saver for those days when I am feeling totally "off" and consider thinking about wavering from my goals. Knowing that I have something already healthy and ready to go allows me to not have to worry about it on an 'off' day and be a little more lazy and yet still keeps me committed overall goal. Might be something to consider?

solpwr

You've hit on some core issues, the root of it.

I've been working through these same thoughts.

1) personality: I'm not one who can focus on the process itself, rather, I focus on the goal. This thinking gets in my way because if I perceive the goal as unreachable for any reason, I dismiss the goal. Some personalities are oriented towards the here and now, the process, and just stick with the process rather than the goal.

2) unworthiness: A big one for me. Ex-wife. Critical mother. I first internalize the criticism. Then I begin to believe it. This is a recipe for failure. I believe that's what I deserve. Slipping back becomes more expected than achieving success. This is destructive thinking and must be eradicated. I am worth every success I achieve. I do not deserve failure. Everyone experiences failure but they don't deserve it. Rather, failure was not BECAUSE I DESERVED IT, but it was because of choices I made (or didn't make).

3) life changing epiphany: I have been a victim of myself. My self-perception and my own personality. I took risks with money because I saw only the opportunity for gain, but didn't focus on a sound process for achieving my goals. I ate what I wanted and overestimated my ability to correct my weight with a crash diet. These are just two examples. I believe that this assessment of the problem is bigger than just my weight problem. I believe that many of us who have weight problems also have problems with other parts of their lives, financially, relationships, etc. For me, I have to focus on the process. Identify what works in relationships, financially, diet and exercise. The goal becomes a foregone conclusion because the process is adhered to. Money problems, relationship problems, weight problems melt away when the process is identified and then complied with, long term. Success achieved.

kelley555

And where are my manners? Thanks everyone for chiming in. I hope this thread thrives. I'd really like to see other people's input, and you down there with the bump....come on, speak your mind. This thread isn't just for my own personal healing. What's rattling around in your head? Maybe we can figure out something together that will help more than just you or me

I can relate to all you have said. I have tried to lose weight numerous times over the years and yet this time feels different. I have decided to stop expecting results without putting in the effort. The weight is coming off and I believe it is because I have decided to live my life instead of floating through it....if we want to be healthy it is OK. We deserve to be active participants in our lives and not settle for whatever comes our way. I believe you have it in you to meet your goals and you are worthy of those goals!! Do not beat yourself up over gaining weight but take it as a part of your life journey you are on and start again!

beckyinma

The problem I have, I think, is that just like with anything else I am interested in, my interest waxes and wanes. I do it with bike riding, photography, landscaping, education, and unfortunately, with giving a rat's behind about what I'm going to eat the next day. When I'm "on", I truly love prepping meals for the week, for the day, trying new recipes, relying on old favorites, you name it. But when I'm "off", the last place I want to be is in front of the computer, compiling a recipe and groceries list or in the kitchen prepping food for the coming days.

Guess I need to adjust my stick-to-it-ness and as Nike says, just do it.

That is my exact problem I swear, I have ADD, and I lose interest in some things... I'm obsessive when I discover a new craft, or recipe, or anything really, I'll kick *kitten* at it for 2 years then lose interest and really never pick it up again. This time HAS to be different. (I swore it would be different with karate too, and here I am, 3 weeks from my 2 year anniversary) I didn't discover I probably have ADD until we discovered my son has it. I was going through his evaluations and all the questions I could say YES to about him, I could also say YES to for myself... BIG epiphany there for me I'll tell ya. He takes meds for it, because he's too young to control it but I haven't yet. I look at him doing well in school and he's my inspiration to push through it without seeking help, I know I can beat it, I know I can beat this fat body into submission too. Every time I realize my mind is wandering, and I'm just sitting on the couch petting the dog instead of folding laundry, or sitting here surfing instead of doing dishes... I have to physically get up and tell myself not to forget the goal...this is the FIRST time in my life that I've ever actually been determined to lose the weight, do it healthy (do it at all) and get down to maintenance and stay there...I've never felt this committed to anything in my life.

Janet39

I have given this a bit of thought.

I have decided that the following rules will apply to me. I made them, I have decided that I can stick to them for the most part. ( I am working the 80/20 rule)

1) Eat real food, as it comes. No egg whites on their own, no diet foods, no gimmics, no magic potions. By all means aquaint yourself with smaller portions, especially if the food is calorie dense.

2) Eat only 1 portion of a food each day ( this will force me to eat a more balanced diet and stop me eatting compulsively).

3) The portion size is to be determined by the manufaturer. In company match yourself to the lightest eater, and if hungry fill up on salad. I will piggy back others good habits.

4) I eat what I fancy, if I crave something, I find a way to work it into the plan. I know what is good for me, I have the power to choose well.

5) If I over eat, I will be going for a walk to get back in the green ( if possible).

6) On special occasions I will, eat what I want when I want it, and try to get as much exercise as possible to balance it out.

7) I will get on the scales on Monday, even if I have lapsed, I will take the consequenses and start the diet with the enthusiasm I had on the first day.

This way I am never too far away from a new start, with no guilt. I also will not have the baggage of having failed as long as I restart on the Monday at the latest, as it is all part of MY rules.

Hope this helps

achill4

I feel you....I have lost the vision that I can get to by goal weight. I used to have that vision. I get to the same level you get....and then I go back up because what the heck? I just can't see it happening and I soon as I go up one pound, then what's the point. For me, life has got in the way and when a life bump get's in front of me I need to find a way to jump over it rather than let it halt me. It happened this weekend and I blew it, but at the same time I looked back on recent pics of myself in the everyday photos my kids keep taking and I saw me in true form, a blown up version of that person years ago. It's really my fault for not jumping over the life bumps. I was truly honest with the food diary this morning and entered every single thing I ate and it's no wonder I am where I am. Who am I fooling? Of course I look like I do when you eat that many calories. No turning that around or twisting it into another excuse...I am eating too much. Catch this....I exercise 5 days a week and burn in total over 2,000 calories! I should have went over several bumps, right?

After reading your blog, I get more clarity of how much of this is my fault and no one else.....my biggest hurdle is myself and losing my vision. I am working on getting it back...my faith in myself that I can achieve this. This week I will achieve! I hope you do too!