I'd like an opinion on an essay...anyone

StrawberryDrip

So i have to write and essay for english about an experience one of my family members have had with different parts of the world (in first person)...luckily my dad has been places for work so I had a lot to write about....but keep in mind I'm in high school and this is a high school level essay so don't judge to hard...Here it is:




In my travel, whether it be for work or pleasure, I have seen many different cultures and people. I’ve worked, and currently work, in Russia, with people who are very respectful and a little superstitious. I’ve also worked in Kenya for a month or two, where I stuck out like a sore thumb and saw some very eye opening things. It seems that you see more of what a country is if you work there, but in one experience as a tourist to Thailand, I can say that I really saw the people for who they are and had a simple life experience with people whose name I’ll never know. I would not trade any of this for the world.
Russian culture is very interesting to me, and I have to say that no matter where you go, people are good, even if you don’t agree with their government. Shaking hands with someone in Russian, isn’t a onetime thing, in fact, I’ve shaken hands with the same people every day, because it’s respectful. It doesn’t matter where you are, or how cold it is, you shake hands. I’ve been in -40 degree weather and taken off my glove to shake hands with a person I see every day, but one thing you’ll never see a Russian do, is shake hands through a doorway: its bad luck. Russians are also superstitious. While there, I learned that whistling indoors, will cause you to lose money (Russian Superstitions). I could spend all day talking about the things I’ve seen in Russia.
Working in Kenya is a whole different ball park then working in Russia. One major difference is that most people in Russia are white, and I can fit in relatively easy until they hear me speak, but in Kenya I can’t hide where I’m from because the people there are very dark. Once a friend and I went into a bar, and we where they only white people. The people at the bar weren’t too happy to see us, and called us ‘muzungus’, which means “white man” (doubletongued.org). It was an intense atmosphere, until my friend said ‘Hello’ in their language, and after that they bought us a drink. If you treat people with respect and don’t act like you’re better than them, it’ll get you far in life. One thing that really opened my eyes while in Kenya was how the people lived. It wasn’t bad living, it was just different. The hotel lodging I was staying at had a house-keeper, named Rachel, who cooked and cleaned for us. Every day, twice a day, she would carry to buckets of the filtered water to her family, who lived about a half mile away; for us, this is an inconceivable task because all we have to do to get clean water is to turn on the tap. Another example of how they live is that once I gave my safety glasses to a man named Apollo, because I noticed he didn’t have any and he was doing a dangerous job. Now for us this wouldn’t be a big deal, but Apollo appreciated it so much because safety glasses aren’t as easily accessible as they should be. Since then Apollo and I have become good friends, in fact the other day he asked me when I was coming back to Kenya, and to be honest I would go back in a heartbeat.
I’ll never forget my experience in Thailand. I didn’t go there to work, I went as a tourist, which is not a great way to get to know a culture, but while there I saw a side of people that is universal. On my trip I got my 100th dive, which for diver is a great achievement, I also met some pretty interesting people who were also tourist, but I can honestly say 50 years from now I won’t remember any of that; I’ll only remember my last night there. My wife and I had been invited to dinner with our tourist friends, but my wife wanted to stay in the room and pack, so I went alone. Towards the end of dinner we saw storm clouds gather a few miles off the island, then the next thing we know it’s pouring rain and lighting is striking not even 200 yards away. At this point, I decide it’s probably best to go back to the room, but first I have to buy a chocolate bar for my wife. When I got there the store keeper told me I should get to my room as soon as possible, so I bought the chocolate and headed to the beach to walk back to my room. Now when I said pouring, I mean flash flooding, and as I got onto the beach I saw a man shouting and pointing at a long-boat about to tip. Long-boats are a common site in Thailand and are great for transportation, but I later found out that it was this man’s home (Boat). Anyway, I stopped to help the man, and about 18 locals came out to help as well. We spent almost two hours trying our hardest, fighting against the water to save this boat, but in the end the guy decided the boat is helpless and he has to save the engine; which is the most expensive part of the boat. So he chops the engine off and all of us drag it to shore. At the end of this tiring experience we all hug and shout in joy, and it didn’t matter that I was the only tourist and couldn’t speak their language all that mattered is that I helped.
In my travels I’ve come to realize, that people are people and there’s no two ways about it. It doesn’t matter if your black or white, it doesn’t matter what language you speak, you’re still a person. I also have come to realize that at the same time, we’re all different because of what you would call local color realism. In the end the world would be very dull without it.

welly5

Hey I edit papers for my friends getting their university masters and my younger sister who is in uni. I can message you an edited version of this if you like (just for grammar though, not content)

LuckyLeprechaun

as a rough draft, you're off to a good start. With each new piece of information you give, try to tie it to something else that is already present. You have a bit about Russian superstitions, and a personal story about Kenya, but there doesn't seem to be any relationship between those experiences. If you can think of a way to tie it all together, or find similarities, it will help bring the ideas together. Another thing you can do is contrast: show how different one place was from another. example: "In Russia, we have to bundle up against the cold and snow, but in Kenya, it was blazing hot..." that kind of thing.

StrawberryDrip

@welly5 sure that would be nice, thanks
@luckyleperchan thanks, I'll keep that in mind

Anidorie

i liked it.

skinnyjeanzbound

I teach HS English (AP and honors 11th and 12th gr.). Good organization, but as a previous poster mentioned you need to tie it all together. You do this with a common theme or message which you need to present to your reader in the last sentence of your intro. You don't mention your theme (people are people no matter what) until your conclusion. A lot of students do this--I tease mine all the time about waiting to "surprise me" with the point of the essay--don't do this--state the message up front and make sure to connect back to it throughout your body paragraphs.

You also have some grammatical errors, but another poster offered to help you with those.

auntiebabs

Nice story.

Before you run a spell check on this, in MS Word go to PROPERTIES on the PC (or PREFERENCES on the MAC)
Then click:

CHECK GRAMMAR with SPELLING
and
SHOW READABILITY STATISTICS

Then run the spelling and grammar check, be careful though MS WORD is not the end all and be all of grammar. (Think about what makes sense. If you're not sure google a writer's style guide. It’s always good to have a reference for grammar and punctuation. Not to sound to teacherish, but you'll remember it better if YOU look it up.)

The readability statistics will show you what grade level you are writing at.
It’s an interesting tool; you can track your progress in your writing.

Aesop101

It's pretty good for high school. You did omit an introductory paragraph to develop the theme as others have said. You need to grab attention right away. Additionally you are redundant, i.e. using the term for "White man" and then saying the people of Kenya are dark. Let the reader discover this for themselves. Makes it fun for the reader.

Also a bit cliche. I'm trying to remember those part but fail. I think it was in the area of respect. Build to the respect. Like you did when your dad tried to save the boat. That is tell of the reasons for it. Let the reader come to the conclusion of respect.

Then I would contrast the difference in people to their similarities. That could be language, culture, and circumstances. The bar scene and the connection your dad and his friend made was pretty good. Also relate to the woman carrying the water. Maybe saying, and I complain about picking up my room once a week.

Also tell us about your dad other than that he travels. What does he do, what's his character like. Look at it from a strangers perspective and from a daughter's perspective.

Just my thoughts.

Best wishes on the assignment.

Let me add some other thoughts. You speak of travel to different countries and working in different cultures and then boil it down to race relations. Entirely different thing from your main theme so it seems. I mean there are black Englishmen, Black Americans, and even black Polish. This was one of the cliches I was referring too. Keep it culturally focused and communication focused.

Okay, I have just one more thought. This essay has some real potential, bring it out.

welly5

Messaged you the grammar corrections. You're comma-happy like the my sister


I agree with the other poster's suggestion to tie the theme of the paper into your introduction (about people being both fundamentally the same and different at the same time no matter where you go)