Ugh... Why can't I stop my cynicism about my SIL

lloydmel

I know this really doesn't have anything to do with my weight loss, but it might help me to get over something that I think is pulling me down.
I have a sister in law that I feel like is totally taking advantage of my husband's brother.
She got pregnant and they got married and then she slowly separated him from his entire family.
He went into the Army and is an officer and when they come home on leave, he doesn't see his family but a few hours (for an entire week or more) but they are always with her family. She comes home all of the time, leaving him by himself for almost a month at a time.
She spends all of his money and takes trips and goes out without him all of the time. I think a lot of it is that she's young... she turned 21 in January, but she's totally materialistic and her whole family is that way.
I just feel myself getting cynical around her and I try not to. I don't want to judge her but it's hard for me to not turn to that in my mind.
She acts like she's better than everyone in our family. She won't take hand-me-down clothes for her son, or for her upcoming child... that's just an example...
She has made comments about not getting a job... EVER... and that if Brother in Law gets stationed overseas, she'll probably move back in with her mom. It's like she doesn't really care for him; he's just her meal ticket, and he is so laid back about it, that he won't say anything until it's gotten so bad that he can't stand it anymore.
I guess most of this isn't really my business, but I hate to see him get taken advantage of. My husband and him were pretty close before he got married and now it's like they barely talk... and his parents are just devestated because they don't know what to do.

AngelaLVGJN

Ok, first I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I wish their was an easy solution and it was something you didn't have to worry about, but family can be challenging. You also, obviously, love your family which makes not being involved or worrying about it impossible. I am not sure if you are religious or not, but maybe praying about it would help. The other thing I could recommend is finding something fun to do with your SIL. Inviting her to go with you for a pedicure, etc. might start to bridge the gap. It could be that she is uncomfortable around your family or that she thinks that people don't like her or are judging her. Maybe if it is possible to get to know her better or to involve her in your family more it might be helpful. My last piece of advice is that maybe someone (your husband) needs to talk to your BIL and let him know that you miss him. See if you all can maybe plan a trip together too all meet up (away from her family). That way you have them all to yourselves. I am not sure where he lives but the other thing that you might recommend to his parents are visiting them (BIL and SIL) on their own turf - travel out there to see them. I have experienced this a little, but we have managed to make it a little better by just including them in more things - e-mails, etc. Make her feel like she is important to the family. Good luck!!!

realme56

I know how you feel. The best you can do is maintain open communication with you bil, spend time with him when you can and be as civil to her as you can.

Newmammaluv

I am on the other side of this situation... I am sure that everything you are saying about your SIL my husband's family says about me and worse!! The fact of the matter is that my husband has never said a nice thing about his family in the entire time we have been together. I have heard horror story after horror story about how awful they all are. Conversely if I do try to point out the fact that I was the one trying to foster a relationship in the beginning of our marriage with his family he will say that they aren't worth it but if his Mom complains then I must hate his entire family.... which I dont.

The only difference is that I work 50-70hrs a week and have my own money. My husband also tells me all the time that he likes my family more than his and visits my family without me there most of the time. It's truely his choice.

You may want to take some time to talk to HER and see how you feel then. You never know what her husband really says or acts like without the family watching.

TourThePast

Clearly, your brother in law and his wife are not living in a way that you approve of. She doesn't sound to me like the sort of person anyone would use as a role model.

But he's a grown man, he's serving his country, so presumably he's not a wimp. Maybe he's happy with the way things are.

Why is this stressing you out so much?

ShapeUpSidney

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. That being said, just try to be supportive and set a good example for her. Do not interfere in any way, because it WILL blow up in your face. Unless you have VERIFIABLE evidence of infidelity, don't interfere.

RoadDog

There's nothing you can do. There are three sides to every story. Your perception; my perception; and the cold hard truth.

What you percieve may or may not be the way it really is, but in the end, it's his reality and he will deal with it or he won't. All you can accomplish by offering advice is possibly drive him away from an already tenuous connection to your husband.

Hey! He's a big boy. No one ever learns from another's experiences. We learn from our own.

TDGee

Sounds like "An Officer and a Gentleman"