Surprise pregnancy -- need advice.

kittyinaz

First off, please don't lecture me on the fact that I should have been on birth control, or used condoms, or abstained from having sex in my relationship -- I'm not asking to be lectured, please. I'm 26 years old, I know that sex = babies, and there are reasons why birth control wasn't an option, so I don't need that "well, DUH!" lecture.

It's been really hard not to tell my mom I'm pregnant because we are very close. Two days before I found out I was, she told me that if I was pregnant she wouldn't be happy and that my dad would be disappointed in me since I am JUST graduating college (at 26 years old) and don't have a settled career yet.

Right now they are financially supporting me, and I know when I tell them they'll immediately think it's more financial burden on them. My mother is always telling me I don't need to have a child and my dad has said that unless I'm making $50,000 a year I should never think of having one.

My boyfriend is never going to make much money as a motorcycle mechanic and that bother's my father, too. My boyfriend has two other children with his ex-wife and he has his own bills to pay. He is barely starting to make enough where he can chip in on the bills here after making sure his are paid.

A few weeks ago (before I knew I was already pregnant) I had a discussion with my father and he told me that if I was to get pregnant before I have a career I have basically ruined my life. He said if I did, he would help me, because he loves me, but he'd be very disappointed.

We plan on telling them in a month and I'm scared shítless (pardon my French). Don't get me wrong here though, I know after the initial shock wears off and the pregnancy progresses they will both start getting excited to be grand parents to a child who actually lives in the same state as them, but that initial hump (the first month or two) is not going to be a fun one and it scares me.

I've been tempted to tell my mother now, but have held back because my boyfriend wants to be the one to tell them. I told him it's not going to go well at all and to prepare to be yelled at. He already told his parents, and they seem happy, but then again, they are not helping us financially at all like my parents are.

Have any of you gone through similar situations, and if so, any advice is appreciated.

SarahWrittenThin

I think it would go over better if you were to tell your parents rather than your boyfriend. it would be good if he was there for emotional support but I think they would take it better from you.

JodiS75

I haven't gone through this, nor anything like it. My only advice would be to not wait to tell them. I think as a parent, if I were in their shoes I would feel like you were trying to betray me if I figured out you'd hidden it from me. Hope it turns out alright :flowerforyou:

Oh, and I agree with Sarah. If my daughter's BF or friend came and told me something rather than her it'd be worse.

nmoreland

I have not experienced this, but I have some words of encouragement. You are just about done with school, and that is a great accomplishment. DO NOT forget that!!! Starting a career path will happen in time, but you have the degree that will help open doors for you. Working and supporting a child will most likely be difficult, but it can be done, and many people do it every day. Your parents may not be happy at first, but it sounds like they will support you through anything, so try to remember that too.

Kellee_76

Tell them right away. They'll only be more hurt because you also tried to hide it.

A baby is a blessing. Be positive. Remember, "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans."

rodegghero

I would try to make some plans for how to support yourself financially and otherwise so you can show them you are taking as much responsibilty as you can. And you definately need to be the one who says It!

bgeer34

How about making a plan of how you and your bf plan to deal with this financially to show them it won't be a burden on them and then sit down and tell them together, but definitely you need to tell them. If they recently mentioned it to you (before you actually found out).. they already know. I knew with my daughter before she did. Parents usually just know. So they aren't likely to be shocked and if you go into it showing them how you intend to take care of the baby and yourself it should show them some maturity.

Good luck and Congrats

loum11

Hi Kitty

Sorry that your feeling so poo at the mo but I promise you that things will come good in the end.

I was only 20 when I feel preganant with my little boy and me and my partner where not even living in the same house and I was only 6 months into a new job!

We found out the day we signed for our house that i was already 22 weeks preganant was I was on birth control but obviously it didnt work. My mum and dad have always been very supportive in everything I do but this I knew was going to be tricky and yes it was BUT we all came through it working together and muddling through.

If you waited and saved to have children you never would! I do think you should tell your mum as you said you are close to her and she will find out some how, they always do!

Hope this helps a little bit! x

kristyoconnor

I was in a similar situation, I was 22 and in my last semester of college when I got pregnant. I was very lucky because it didn't affect my ability to graduate. I was very scared to tell my parents, but they were not mad, just shocked and a little disappointed. After it settled in for a couple of months, we were all much more comfortable talking about it. By the time my little girl was born, they were 100% excited. She's 5 now and they love her and her little brother to death. I know it's scary, but your parents love you and it WILL be ok.

epj78

If his parents know, yours have to know. They will be hurt if they ever found out his knew before yours.

My brother and his girlfriend went through something similiar and he was scared to death to tell my parents - I was there for emotional support for him. They were actually thrilled. Once it's done, it's done and most parents accept that and go on to figuring out how to best deal with it. No use lecturing on past deeds.

As far as financial stuff goes - time to start figuring that out and doing what it takes to make ends meet. You are a parent now. And you have to do what is best for that child. That means figuring out how to support the child. Getting second jobs may be one of the only options and if you have to go on state aid for awhile, do it. Make sure you have insurance - get it through the state if you have to, but you need to have it for good prenatal care and delivery. It's not a long term answer but could get you through the initial crisis.

I don't think you mentioned what your job situation is, but you need to make sure you have a job with benefits. Sounds like the BF needs to pick up a second job. Unfortunately, that is just a fact of life right now and your parents will take the news much better if you lay out your plan. In all fairness to them, they have done their job raising you, they don't need to raise another baby --- they should just be able to sit back and enjoy!!

ashwarren21

Ok...Deep breath! I have been in a similar situation. I was 19, a freshman in college, and had no job. My parents were devastated. I don't think their disappointment ever went away, but they did become excited to be grandparents. The idea of a baby has a way of softening them a little. Unfortunately, my pregnancy ended at 16 weeks, and the ironic part is that the father of that pregnancy is now my husband of 10 years and we have been experiencing fertility issues for the last 5 years and are currently childless.

So, in short, things have a way of working themselves out and I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Congratulations on the baby.

hamiltonba

I was 22 when I got pregnant. I wasn't living at home (thankfully). However, it was back in the 80's and it did not go well at all. My first suggestion is DON'T WAIT. Your parents are NOT going to be impressed by your boyfriend being the bearer of this news. They will be impressed if he's jumps up to the plate and starts helping financially. He could/should get a second job! Also, just because you are pregnant does not mean you can't start your career. Your parents are right, as I'm sure that you're already aware, regarding finances. Being a single mother is difficult. Yes, your parents will be dissapointed, but they will continue to love you and their grandchild. Please, please, don't wait to tell your mother - if you are close, you will ruin that closeness by not confiding in her! Yes, you are scared, but it will be easier in the long run. Good luck! And by the way, I am now 46 and my son is 23 and we are both doing fantastic. I did marry his father, but that didn't happen until our son was 6!

kerriknox

Well, I have not been in the exact same boat but I can offer support on the surprise pregnancy. Both my kids were unplanned and although very welcome, they were a surprise. My husband and I were married and I was already 32 when we had our first, which is a bit different but financially we were still just getting started.

First off, maybe you should try to come up with a plan to support yourselves - maybe look at an inexpensive place to live, free prenatal classes, taking out a line of credit, check out the local freecycle in your area (freecycle.org). You parents will still be shocked but will be impressed to see how much you have thought through the imapct of this and how to made it work.

I don't agree with your father that you ruin your life if you don't have a career first. Although I live in Canada so maybe it is a bit different here, but I would say that employers would be happy to invest in developing the career of someone who has already started having their children and will soon be back to work with no interruptions, than someone that they invest a lot of time in and then they are off on maternity leave for years (we get a year here in Canada).

Also seeing as you are 26, having a family can add to your image of being a stable and responsible person.

Congratulations! That is the one thing you need to focus on right now. You have created the person that you are going to love more than anyone else in this world. Feel good about that and it'll all fall into line.

Good luck!

ccaym

I went through something similar over 16 years ago, when I was 25. I was financially independent and living on my own, but still so scared to tell my parents. They took it so much better than ever imagined. Try not to stress and to enjoy this time if you can. Once your dear little baby arrives you will ALL fall in love and there will be no looking back. My boyfriend and I decided to marry, and now we have four awesome kids. Maybe you both can create plan of action so that when you tell your parents it will be more "this is what we will do..." instead of "what are we going to do???" Take care & best wishes!

Elizabeth_C34

Firslty, let me say congrats. I know it was a surprise, but I'm sure you'll do what you need to do and be a lovely mother.

Secondly, I really don't think it's anywhere close to appropriate to let the boyfriend tell your parents. I think they would much rather hear it from you. I think the boyfriend should be with you when you tell them, but definitely don't let him be the one to say it.

Thirdly, you should definitely come up with a plan to get independent and follow it through as soon as possible. That will be a great move for you and your boyfriend and your parents.

Good luck to you

ladybug1620

I don't have advice to your specific situation because I was already married and on my own when I started having kids. However, my second baby was a surprise. The reaction from my mom was similar to your parents, because we really weren't financially ready to have another baby. However, as I got further in my pregnancy and after the baby was born, she was of course in love with my baby. Grandbabies just do that to people. My advice is to tell them when you feel comfortable, try to get yourself a good job before you start showing, and go with the flow. Things will work out.

Emmy_Ann

I won't lecture you but it definitely pays to think ahead on these things.. but at any rate, my husband and I got pregnant with our daughter 2 months after we started dating.. he was a struggling college student and I was the crazy party hippy chick. Anyways, my parents were disappointed in me when I got pregnant with my baby girl and he sounds a lot like yours. He didn't think I was ready, I didn't have a career, my husband (at the time boyfriend) didn't have a career, blah blah blah. On top of it we were both 20. I can tell you a few things to help you out. 1) DO NOT let your boyfriend tell your parents for you, they will be even more disappointed and I really think it will show that you've put some thought into it a little bit more if you do it yourself. 2) Be happy if thats what you really want. I embraced being pregnant despite the odds I was against. I quit drinking, quit smoking, turned my life around to be a positive role model for my child. You can be AMAZED at what you can do when your the parent of a child and your determined to make it a positive experience. 3) In the end when your parents see their grandbaby all those harsh feelings will go out the window. They will love that child just as much as you do. 4) I suggest you both start thinking seriously about how you're going to support yourselves. My husband ended up going into the military, and I worked up until the very last day of my pregnancy. I also worked full time after she was 3 months old to support the baby and myself. Its not about just you anymore, you have to do whatever it is that you have to do to take care of your own. Good luck!! I can tell you things get better if you just put a little elbow grease into it!!

chrissym78

First of all, CONGRATUALTIONS!! Babies are amazing! Your life will change in ways you never imagined. Might be tough, but it's doable. God doesn't make mistakes.

I tend to agree with the others that you should tell them. If it were me, I think I would tell my mom first. Think about it and take time to come to terms with it yourself first though. It's alot to think about. I'm sure it will all work out just fine! Prayers~

hummzz

There's NEVER the ideal time for a baby. Life is always going to throw you ups and downs. I think the most important thing right now is to get to a point where you're independent of your parents' financial support. That's first and foremost. $50,000 a year is the only good time to have a baby is crap! I raised two children on about half that and both are smart, independent college co-eds. So miss me with all that. Not saying it was easy but it is done everyday!

As for telling your parents...I think that you shouldn't wait and I don't think your bf is the one that should tell them. You should tell them together and soon. But have a plan. Let them know you're looking for a job (if you are) or we're going to do this, that and this so we don't burden you anymore than we have.

Babies make you grow up real quick!

Be blessed my MFP!!!!!

laurasnyder411

Wow, I was almost exactly in the same boat a year ago and now I have a wonderful daughter. I was also 26 just out of school and terrified to tell my parents because they felt that children should be a product of marriage or at least a stable home. I finally had to tell them and truth be told they took it way better than I could have imagined. I wouldn't wait too long (I waited until I was almost 2 months along and it was a HUGE relief to just get it off my chest). And I also think that you should be the one to tell them, but bring your boyfriend along. They should have the chance to say what they need to and let you guys do the same. It is really scary being unsure of your financial situation with a baby on the way, and perhaps this will alleviate some of your worries. If your parents want to cut you off financially student loans can be deffered, if you need to apply for foodstamps, and WIC offers free nutrition classes along with "checks" for healthy foods for you while you're pregnant and your baby once he/she is here . Those are just a few resources I looked into.

It definitely is scary and it sucks to accept "handouts", but I will say this: Your baby will quickly become your everything. Do what you have to in order to get by and have a plan to make things better. I'm sure since you've graduated you will eventually find a fantastic job that can support your new family! More than likely your parents will come around and although they may be disappointed that you didn't choose the path they wanted for you, once they see that little baby their hearts will melt.

callipygianchronicle

It's time to really step into your adulthood. You are 26. A woman. An adult. You are having a child. You cannot run from that decision like a scared child, yourself. But you do have to start taking a long view of what this means and making a plan for you and your child's future. When you have a plan--not just some ideas that kind of sound good--but a plan, that is when you discuss it with your parents.

Remember, they are passengers on this journey, even if they are invested emotionally and financially. You are the mother. You have to have strength and confidence. And you need to stand openly and honestly in truth. If you chose to involve your parents in your pregnancy--and yes, that is a choice because you are an adult and do not *have* to tell them a thing--the do it proudly, not a like a shame-filled little girl.

Your role is changing and you need to rise up to it. You are not their baby any more. You are the mother of a child who needs you to show leadership and guidance. That means getting dependent. And that means taking the reins in your own life and steering it into the future. When your parents see that you are standing up, they will grab your arms and walk with you. But what you have shown them up to this point is that you need to be carried.

Motherhood is transformative, if you are up for the challenge. I wish you so much strength and perseverance as you continue on your journey.